The Longest Yard (1974)

Day 311 - 11/7/09 - Movie #311

BEFORE: Back when I was watching prison films, I thought for a while that I'd end the chain with this film, and transition into football films. I went in a different direction, ending with "Escape From Alcatraz" and then moving into Clint Eastwood films instead - so I'll watch this one now. This will wrap up football week, but in an act of serendipity, Games Magazine ran a puzzle this month, containing images from football films, so with the answers to that puzzle, I've got a good list of football films I haven't seen, which includes: "Remember the Titans", "The Replacements", "Invincible", "Rudy", "Varsity Blues", "Brian's Song", "North Dallas Forty", and the remake of "The Longest Yard" - so I'll try to get to some of these next time around.

THE PLOT: A sadistic warden asks a former pro quarterback, now serving time in his prison, to put together a team of inmates to take on (and get pummeled by) the guards.

AFTER: Well, unfortunately I still haven't learned too much about the inner workings of football plays - all this movie taught me was how to play dirty, with brass knuckles and footballs thrown to the groin. But at least shots to the groin are always funny.

Burt Reynolds plays Paul Crewe, a cocky ex-football player who gets locked up for stealing his girlfriend's car, dumping it in the bay, and then punching out the cops who come to arrest him. In the 1970's, there was no manlier symbol of manliness than Burt (and his mustache!) - when he gets to prison, the mustache gets shaved off, a symbol that his freedom and power is gone...

For this film to work, you have to believe that a prison would contain enough football-playing guards to form a semi-pro team, and that the warden would be a secret football fanatic, and that he'd agree to a game between the guards and the inmates, just to get his team into fighting shape. This all seems pretty unlikely to me - what semi-pro league do a bunch of prison guards play in?

The most believable part, for me, is that it might be possible to assemble a halfway-decent squad from the ranks of a Florida prison - even if they're not football players per se, you could probably round up enough guys willing to take the field, just to have the chance to beat up the hacks.

But football players risk getting injured - why let your team play a game that doesn't count, just to make a point? Ah, but the warden (Eddie Albert) has other plans, mostly flexing his muscle to show how much power he has. I've learned from watching prison movies that wardens were some of the most reviled movie characters in the 1970's, right after oppressive college deans.

So Crewe assembles his ragtag bunch of misfits, which includes Michael Conrad (later famous for playing Sgt. Esterhaus on "Hill Street Blues"), James Hampton (later famous for a bit role in "Sling Blade") and Richard "Jaws" Kiel (later famous as a Bond villain in "The Spy Who Loved Me" and "Moonraker"). Bernadette Peters also has a bit role as a prison secretary with a giant beehive hairdo.

It was funny enough to keep me entertained - but as I said, I still haven't learned too much about the ins and outs of the game. I flipped on a college football game today, and found myself as clueless as usual...

RATING: 6 out of 10 athletic supporters.

Any Given Sunday

Day 310 - 11/6/09 - Movie #310

BEFORE: I suppose if I watched "Friday Night Lights" on a Wednesday, I can watch "Any Given Sunday" on a Friday - either way, I'm two days ahead of the game, right? This is the other movie I picked up yesterday at the $5 DVD store - they're running it on AMC this week, but my ban on that channel remains in effect.

THE PLOT: A behind the scenes look at the life and death struggles of modern day football gladiators and those who lead them.

AFTER: I guess Oliver Stone couldn't get the rights to use the names of real NFL franchises - since this movie focuses on the Miami Sharks, and not the Dolphins. Someone got real clever with the team names - the Raiders became the Crusaders, the Bears became the Rhinos, the Cowboys became the Knights...a freeze-frame on the Sharks' schedule also mentions the Minnesota Americans, Houston Cattlemen, New York Emperors, Colorado Blizzard, Washington Lumbermen, and Oregon Pioneers. OK, so someone had fun coming up with the names - but the Kansas Twisters? Wisconsin Icemen? Orlando Crushers? Now you're just being silly...

Al Pacino is a great choice to play Tony D'Amato, a head coach in the NFL (or whatever they call this fictional league...) as a middle-aged guy who's made a lot of mistakes, down on his luck and looking to recapture some of that elusive football glory. Dennis Quaid is Jack Rooney, the aging quarterback who might be past his prime, but is under pressure from his team (and his wife) to keep pushing for another season or two. And Jamie Foxx is Willie Beamen, the 3rd-string QB who has to take the field after injuries take out strings #1 and 2, and has to learn how to lead the team FAST if they're going to make the playoffs.

I didn't learn much about the actual game of football, since the film concentrates more on the behind-the-scenes conflicts, like the ones between D'Amato and the team owner (Cameron Diaz), or Rooney and his wife (Lauren Holly), or the coaches (Jim Brown, Aaron Eckhart). Even the off-field partying done by the players (LL Cool J, Bill Bellamy) and the conflicts between the shifty team doctor (James Woods) and the more upstanding assistant doctor (played by FOH Matthew Modine - I delivered a check and some SAG paperwork to him about a year ago, nice guy...)

The most believable performance, for me, came from Lawrence Taylor, playing Luther "Shark" Lavay. Of course, we know he can play football, but as a player worried about his health, his age, and his bonus - who knew he was such a good actor? Or does that not count as acting, since he lived that life for so long in the NFL?

Oliver Stone inserted himself into the movie, playing Tug, one of the main announcers in the Shark broadcast booth. Ann-Margret also appears, playing Margaret, the widow of the team's old owner (interesting to see her as Cameron Diaz's mother...) and some more stunt casting with Charlton Heston playing the football commissioner - in an earlier scene in Tony's house, the famous chariot race from "Ben-Hur" is playing on a TV in the background. And if you're a REAL hardcore football fan, look for cameos from Dick Butkus, Warren Moon, Johnny Unitas and Y.A. Tittle, playing opposing coaches...

All told, this was a flashy piece of football spectacle. It looked (and sounded) gorgeous - except for some of that hyper-editing and shaki-cam style that the kids seem to like these days...football really needs to be seen on FILM, and not on crappy video (I suppose maybe it looks good in hi-def, but I wouldn't know...)

But what's missing was a lot of the HEART that I've seen in other films this week. Someone should make Oliver Stone watch "We Are Marshall" or "Friday Night Lights" - maybe he'd realize then that really is about how you play the game... I suppose Pacino comes close to being inspirational with his "Football is a game of inches..." speech in the final game.

Oh, and if you watch it, stay tuned through the end credits, you won't be sorry. I know it's a long film (2 1/2 hours) but there's a press conference that Tony D'Amato gives during the credits that you won't want to miss...

RATING: 5 out of 10 tackling dummies

We Are Marshall

Day 309 - 11/5/09 - Movie #309

BEFORE: Well, I was all set to wrap up Football Week tonight, but then I stopped at the $5 DVD store on the way home, and picked up 2 more football movies. Might as well, right? Why leave so many un-watched? Even with these 2 last-minute additions, I'll still have a number of football films to track down for a possible follow-up next November.

From high-school football we move up to college football, but from the late 80's back in time to the 1970's...

THE PLOT: When a plane crash claims the lives of members of the Marshall University football team and some of its fans, the team's new coach and his surviving players try to keep the football program alive.

AFTER: This was a stirring, emotional movie - not just about football, but about how a town and its people recover from a very tragic loss. What happens AFTER 75 people die in a plane crash - do they rebuild the team? SHOULD they rebuild the team? Do you honor the memory of the departed by moving on, or by NOT moving on?

More to the point - HOW should the team move on? The University president (David Strathairn) conducts a search, and comes up with cockeyed-optimist Jack Lengyel, played by Matthew McConnaughey (last seen by me in "Dazed & Confused"). Lengyel sees the glass as half-full, and starts with three team members and an assistant coach (Matthew Fox) who were either injured or missed the plane. It's funny to see Matthew Fox avoiding a plane crash - unlike what he did on the TV series "Lost."

At the same time, the University president petitions the NCAA to allow the school to stock its team with freshmen, and the NCAA grants them an exemption, in light of the tragedy. What's that saying about the Chinese word for "crisis" being the same as the one for "opportunity"? The coaches also visit a rival school, and are granted access to some crucial game-films to study in order to put together a game-plan that best suits their team.

Once again, the subject of the film is the smaller, ragtag bunch of misfits that we're supposed to root for. Once again, the star player suffers an injury at the worst possible time (is there ever a good time?). But there's more going on here - as the team learns that in this one case, it's not about winning or losing, it actually is about how they play the game. And more importantly, that they rise to the challenge of playing the game at all.

I liked McConnaughey's performance, it's probably the most mature acting job I've seen from him, even if he had a weird tendency to talk only out of the right side of his mouth during the whole film. And something about the 70's haircut and the plaid sports jackets sort of suited him. I usually like David Strathairn, too - and Ian McShane did a nice job as a (mostly) surly grieving parent. But Matthew Fox and Kimberly Williams-Paisley (as Lengyel's wife) just seemed mostly like blanks to me. I didn't really recognize anyone else...

A lot of times, sports films are about the underdogs - and I'm glad I watched a film about an underdog team on a day when a bunch of overpaid Yankee millionaires are celebrating their World Series "victory" (if you can call it that...)

RATING: 6 out of 10 field goals

Friday Night Lights

Day 308 - 11/4/09 - Movie #308

BEFORE: OK, enough football comedies. Time to get real serious and watch a drama about a real (?) serious game.

THE PLOT: Profile of the economically depressed town of Odessa, Texas and their heroic high school football team, The Permian High Panthers.

AFTER: I love Billy Bob Thornton, and I'll watch just about anything that he's in - ever since "Sling Blade" I've been very impressed. This movie also features Lucas Black, who played the small boy in "Sling Blade", as the team quarterback - all grown up and still working with Billy Bob...

There are lots of films about football and other team sports, but so few of them get into the drama of what it MEANS to represent a school or a city. THIS is that film. On a day where my city seems to be suffering from Yankee-mania (the Yankees don't represent MY New York...), here's a movie about a team that DOES represent its town, and everyone in it seems to be affected by the team's ups and downs. This film is set is Texas, after all, where love of football seems to come just after that of God and country...

If the team wins a game, the players are meeting with representatives from various colleges, and leafing through luxury car brochures - and if the team loses, the town residents are calling for Coach Gaines' head on a platter. And all the while the players' parents, some of whom are former football stars themselves, are piling on the pressure. "Here's my state championship ring, where's yours? Oh, that's right - you ain't got one!" The most notable parent reliving his former glory (through verbal abuse of his son) is played by Tim McGraw, who I didn't even recognize without his trademark cowboy hat. One would imagine that the son of Tug McGraw might have a few issues himself with living up to his father's sports success...

This movie features some of those sports cliches that were parodied in "The Comebacks" - like the star running-back with the crippling injury, the pulling together of a small underdog team facing impossible odds, etc. But for every winning team, there's a losing one - why focus on one particular team during one particular season, and the answer to that question is the essence of this film. Our star coach can give a stirring half-time speech, but across the stadium, isn't there another coach doing the exact same thing? Our Panthers can kneel in team prayer, but aren't they praying to the same God as the other team is? Why them, why now? Because they have "heart"? Because they "want it more"?

The thrilling state championship game is packed with drama, and contains a few events that set it apart from just an average football film. I don't want to reveal too much - but it managed to keep me awake and interested in the wee hours of the morning. And they turned this into a TV series which is still going strong after 4 seasons, carrying over Connie Britton from this film, along with all the town drama surrounding the high-school football team.

RATING: 7 out of 10 letters of intent

Leatherheads

Day 307 - 11/3/09 - Movie #307

BEFORE: Another comedy, this one hearkening back to the early days of pro football in the 1920's, starring (and directed by) George Clooney, and my birthday-twin John Krasinski.

THE PLOT: The captain of a professional football team drafts a strait-laced college sensation, only to watch his new star fall for his fiancée.

AFTER: The contest on the field is no match for the battle of the sexes, as Dodge Connelly (Clooney) matches wits with reporter Lexie Littleton (Renee Zellweger) with Carter Rutherford (Krasinski) as the third leg of the love triangle. There's a lot of snappy banter and sharp dialogue - the movie's set in the 1920's, when some women were becoming more assertive in the job market.

Littleton is offered an assistant editor position at the Tribune if she can get the real story about Rutherford, who's an alleged war hero, then a football star. But Dodge needs his war hero's status intact, in order to put fans into the stadium to watch games in the ailing pro football league. At the same time, the game of football gets its first commissioner, so Dodge's tricky brand of no-rules football is coming to an end.

I liked how this movie illustrated a fundamental truth about men - if they're fighting over a woman (or anything, really), two guys just need to drink some beers together, or punch each other in the face - or both - and they're friends again. Or at least friendly rivals. How women settle their differences, I have no idea...

I have to take a point off for a number of anachronistic errors - Krasinski's character gives his age as 24, and the movie is set in 1925. Yet he's supposedly a war hero - even if he had entered World War I in 1917, he would have been 16 at the time. Not impossible, but the movie points out that he "took time off from Princeton" to fight, and then came back to school. If he came back to college in 1918, would he still be in college 7 years later? There are a number of other errors (like no elevator operators, songs played that weren't written until 1927) but that one is the worst of them.

RATING: 7 out of 10 train tickets

The Comebacks

Day 306 - 11/2/09 - Movie #306

BEFORE: I should probably watch the serious football films before the parody one - but I've got another plan in mind. Heck, after "The Waterboy" I should have watched Sandler's remake of "The Longest Yard," but I don't have a copy of it, and no channel is running it, so it's not on my list...but this movie, starring the usually funny David Koechner is.

THE PLOT: The story of an out-of-luck coach, Lambeau Fields, who takes a rag-tag bunch of college misfits and drives them towards the football championships.

AFTER: Even though it's a spoof of films like "Friday Night Lights" and "Remember the Titans" which I haven't watched yet, I still found it funny. I think one can enjoy "Airplane!" without having seen all of the "Airport" movies. This is an attempt to poke fun at ALL football movies, and even movies about other sports, since there are digs at baseball and basketball also.

Yeah, the jokes are silly and more than a little obvious (the team they face is called "The Unbeatables"...) but at least they're funny, and silly-stupid is better than stupid-stupid, like "The Waterboy" was.

With Carl Weathers (last seen by me in "Little Nicky"), Melora Hardin, and cameos from Andy Dick, Kerri Kinney-Silver, Will Arnett, and Jason + Randy Sklar. Also cameos from some real sports stars like Dennis Rodman, Lawrence Taylor and Bill Buckner (have we forgiven him yet?)

RATING: 6 out of 10 shoulder-pads

The Waterboy

Day 305 - 11/1/09 - Movie #305

BEFORE: October gives way to November, and November means Election Day, Thanksgiving and football, right? I'll try to get to politics later on in the month - but before I started my horror-film chain, I was watching Adam Sander films. I know, the World Series is still being played, but since the Yankees are in it and not the Sox, I'm done with baseball and ready for football...

THE PLOT: A football team water boy discovers he has a unique tackling ability and becomes a member of the team.

AFTER: As usual, Sandler's character is mentally defective, and I just sort of felt that this whole movie suffered from some form of similar lack of intelligence. I can understand the whole underdog success-story thing - but are you telling me that the best tackler in football reads at a grade-school level? I mean, I suppose it's possible, but does it really create a character that I should be rooting for?

And does he have to live in a swamp, and have a mother who refers to everything she doesn't approve of as "the Devil!", and talk like a darn baby? It's just too much to swallow...

Kathy Bates and Henry Winkler should be better than this - doesn't Kathy Bates have an Oscar? And she's reduced to cooking up snake gumbo and playing badminton with a horse? Really?

I learned exactly nothing about football from this film - do teams even have "waterboys"? Or do they just use a cooler? Like with boxing films, I would appreciate a little something about the psychology of the game, the intricacies of different plays - not just "Idiot gets mad, and tackles really well..."

RATING: 3 out of 10 playbooks