Brightburn

Year 13, Day 260 - 9/17/21 - Movie #3,936

BEFORE: After this, just 8 more films until I roll out the horror films for October's programming.  Mostly fantasy and time-travel films between here and there, but not all.

Steve Agee carries over from "The Suicide Squad", but he's just one of FIVE actors to do so.  Normally I'd expect this sort of thing with two films from the same director, but the director of this film is named David Yarovesky - but the WRITERS both have the last name of Gunn, so possibly some connections here to James Gunn, director of "The Suicide Squad"?  Yep, Sir James is listed as one of the producers. 

THE PLOT: What if a child from another world crash-landed on Earth, but instead of becoming a hero to mankind, he proved to be something far more sinister? 

AFTER: Back when they re-booted the Superman comics (after a VERY long volume 1?) in 1983, John Byrne started his "Man of Steel" origin story with a scene on Krypton, of course, much like the 1978 "Superman" movie, he depicted Jor-El and Lara putting their baby Kal-El into a rocket and sending him to Earth, away from their doomed planet.  Well, sure, that's the obvious place to start the story, right?  But a few years later, Byrne expressed some regret over not starting the story on Earth, with a young Clark Kent getting his powers, and not knowing at first where they came from, because for the new readers, that would have generated some form of suspense.  Who is he really, why can he fly and shoot laser beams from his eyes, and what's that mysterious object buried under the barn? Starting the story at the obvious starting point gave away too many of the stories secrets on the first page, and there was an opportunity for the readers to discover his origin at the same time HE did.  

It also would have created a few story beats, revelations like those laser beams, or the mysterious light coming from below the barn, or the ghost-like vision of Kal-El's father, that would have been cliff-hangers to end each issue on, and also could have generated suspense, similar to that seen in a typical horror story.  "Superman" is just an alien invasion story, only it's years after the UFO landing that the alien becomes aware of his true nature.  More modern adaptations of the Superman story, like "Smallville" and "Man of Steel", follow the practice of not starting the story on Krypton, and depict Clark investigating the mystery of himself when he learns he has powers and is not technically human.  

The same story beats are seen in "Brightburn", after a rural couple, similar to the Kents, start to notice their son acting strangely, developing powers, and they're forced to come to terms with the events of years ago, when they also found an alien baby after a rocket-ship crash, and chose to raise him as a human.  Perhaps the 1940's-era Kents were the perfect parents, and this modern couple just...isn't.  I'm not sure if that's meant to say more about them specifically or modern parents in general - maybe Superman was a product of those times, and raising an alien child in the era of ADHD, participation trophies, social media and self-entitlement ends up producing an entirely different result.  They're sort of doing a play on this too in the new CW show "Superman & Lois", in which an older Superman has two sons, one of whom is super-powered, and has to not only come to terms with his half-alien nature, but also moving to a new school, being bullied, competing with powers on a sports team, and his greatest weakness - talking to girls.  (I feel you, Jordan.)

But in "Brightburn" they really ramp up the horror theme - what happens when a kid who already feels out of place in school, is starting to be curious about girls and their bodies, and is becoming more sullen and withdrawn by the day, suddenly starts being drawn to whatever's buried beneath the barn, and hears voices in an alien language that put him into a dream-like state, where he hovers in the air?  And the voices seem to be telling him to take, take, whatever he wants from this world?  There's that self-entitled nature of the kids today, in a nutshell.  What's going to happen when he tries to get what he wants, and is told "NO!" by his parents, or his teachers, or any other authority.  Umm, yeah, that's not going to go well.  And many parents today refuse to discipline their kids, so that's not going to help.  You reap what you sow...this is what you get when you let your kids run wild and act out in public, and then add the superpowers on top of that.

This is a perfect example of taking an existing story, putting one big twist on it, and then releasing it as a new thing, carrying the new story to a different illogical conclusion.  The comic books do this themselves, over and over - how many characters are just riffs on Superman?  Supergirl, obviously, but also Shazam!, then over at Marvel there's Hyperion, a member of the Squadron Supreme with a back-story very similar to Superman's (each member of the S.S. is based on a different member of DC's Justice League - Princess Power based on Wonder Woman, Nighthawk based on Batman, and so on.). Then Marvel made Sentry, also a riff on Superman - basically, every character's a riff on some other character, and many, many of them trace their roots back to Superman. The original Superman was influenced by other characters like John Carter, Dick Tracy, Popeye, Douglas Fairbanks, Johnny Weissmuller and wrestlers, all mixed together.

Anyway, Brandon Breyer's at that difficult age, when he can't seem to talk to girls (it's a common theme in comics, because nerds write comics), and he just wants to be alone in his room with pictures of what people look like under their clothes.  Umm, and under their skin.  And once Brandon realizes he can fly, is invulnerable AND has super-strength, why should he do what the adults tell him to do?  Isn't it just easier to put on a mask and get rid of anybody who stands between him and the girl he loves?  Except it turns out that once you kill ONE person, you might have to kill ANOTHER one to cover up the last murder, and then, before you know it, you just can't stop.  Word to the wise, this is why you don't kill the first person in the first place. 

NITPICK POINT: Brandon's adopted father gets very angry when his son is given a rifle as a birthday gift - yet, later in the film, Mr. Breyer and Brandon go hunting together, which means that he does approve of hunting and guns, to some degree, at least.  This is a bit strange, most people are either very pro-gun or very anti-gun, it's a very polarizing issue, just like most issues in America these days.  So, why did he get mad?  Was he just mad that HE was robbed of the chance to give his son his first gun?  That could be, but it doesn't really track, either.  This is set in Kansas (like the Superman story) so pro-gun would probably make more sense.  Then I can't tell why the birthday present causes such a scene.  

For that matter, perhaps the point of the film is that Superman stands for "Truth, justice and the American way" - and those concepts seem very hard to find these days.  Truth?  How can people even tell what's true any more, between "fake news" and then false accusations of "fake news", which I guess would be "fake fake news", and then all the misinformation about vaccines and viruses and election fraud going around.  Justice?  For who?  George Floyd?  Breonna Taylor?  Or is justice only reserved for white people and the well-to-do?  OJ Simpson and Bill Cosby are out of prison, and lawsuits against Trump are still pending, so I don't know when we'll see justice circling back this way again.  And the "American Way"?  OK, but which one?  Because for some reason there always seem to be two, with the most extreme views on every topic, from abortion to gun control to immigration and infrastructure.  You have to be either all in on being for something or against it, and there's just no middle ground any more.  

Or maybe this film just represents every parent's worst fear, deep down.  If you do everything right when you're raising your child, then you've had a hand in creating the perfect adult - then you're the parent of some scientist who saves the world, or cures a disease, or wins the Nobel Peace Prize.  But if you make ONE little mistake, then your kid grows up to be a serial killer, or a movie executive fined for sexual harassment, or a football coach who likes to touch little boys.  Right?  This is one reason I don't have any kids, it's too much pressure.

Also starring Elizabeth Banks (last seen in "Charlie's Angels" (2019)), David Denman (last seen in "Logan Lucky"), Jackson A. Dunn (last seen in "Avengers: Endgame"), Matt Jones (last seen in "The Layover"), Meredith Hagner (last seen in "Palm Springs"), Emmie Hunter, Becky Wahlstrom, Gregory Alan Williams (last seen in "Hidden Figures"), Annie Humphrey, Jennifer Holland (also carrying over from "The Suicide Squad"), Stephen Blackehart (ditto), Michael Rooker (ditto), Terence Rosemore (ditto), Abraham Clinkscales (last seen in "Black Panther"), Christian Finlayson (last seen in "Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween"), Mike Dunston (last seen in "Shaft" (2019)), Elizabeth Becka (last seen in "Just Mercy").

RATING: 5 out of 10 facts about wasps

The Suicide Squad

Year 13, Day 259 - 9/16/21 - Movie #3,935 - VIEWED ON 8/10/21  

BEFORE: I watched this film on HBO Max, and it's going to be reviewed out of order to preserve the chain, which is everything to me.  I could have seen this film in the movie theater for free, and maybe I should have, but these days, the movie theater is the last place I want to be, and from what I've seen, I'm not alone.  For me, that's because I'm working at a movie theater, and when you work at a movie theater, a great perk is that you can see any movie playing in the chain, any time you want - only the catch is, that means spending an extra two hours at your place of work, and who the heck wants to do THAT?  So if you love movies, you may not want to work in a movie theater, because then you may end up hating movies.  I have to change jobs so that I can love going to the movie theaters again.

But, for many other people, other factors are involved, like COVID cases are on the rise again, so they may not want to be out in public places, especially since the movie theaters have waived the mask requirements, it's all on the honor system right now.  Eating popcorn means taking your mask off, and that's a risk - screw it, everything's a risk right now, that's not going to change any time soon, unless all the unvaccinated people suddenly change their minds about trusting the government and science.  Plus, this film's available on HBO Max, so you can watch it at home, or on your computer, or at a friend's home if you don't have that streaming service yourself.  So, umm, why exactly would I want to go see it on the big screen, again?  Yep, I watched this at home, thanks to Warner Bros. policy of same-day release on streaming, for 30 days, and then probably again in a few months.  That's why this one's out of order - I'm guessing it will be some time in the third week of September that I'll post this review, and by then maybe I'm not working at the movie theater any more.  Let's hope.

Lloyd Kaufman carries over from "The Last Blockbuster".  He's just got a cameo in this film, as a guy in a bar, or so I've heard, but that's my way in.  But there are numerous ways I could have gotten here, via Flula Borg from "Trolls World Tour", or via Idris Elba from "Cats" but after some trial and error this seemed to be the preferred linking method, allowing me to get just one more documentary in, one that I really wanted to see, and I'm still just one movie over for the remainder of the year, so cutting just one film may be the last tough decision I'll have to make in 2021. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Suicide Squad" (Movie #2,512), "Birds of Prey" (Movie #3,676)

THE PLOT: Supervillains Harley Quinn, Bloodsport, Peacemaker and a collection of nutty cons from Belle Reve prison join the super-secret, super-shady Task Force X as they are dropped off at the remote, enemy-infused island of Corto Maltese. 

AFTER: This film is crazy, bonkers, nuts - but isn't that what comic-book movies SHOULD be?  The whole idea behind having super-powers, fighting crazy super-villains, saving the world in unlikely ways, it's all crazy, none of it is possible in the real world, so why not just freaking GO for it?  Make it big, make it impossible, make it 99% likely that everybody's going to die or the villain's going to take over the world, and just leave that last little glimmer of hope that somehow the main characters are going to pull the world back from the brink of disaster and ruin, save everybody and then go out and have a drink, or share some shwarma.  

This film certainly GOES for it - with an extinction-level threat that could only be defeated by this EXACT mix of villain-heroes, using their powers and skills in an unlikely way, which makes it seem like karma or fate or just the weirdest sort of luck that everything shook down exactly this way.  Plus there are super-weird characters, a super-weird villain, and people keep dying in super-weird ways.  If there were ever a superhero movie that you could watch while stoned, this is probably it.  

The only knock I really have is that the film went out of its way to kill off so many people in so many new, creative ways, and then after so much of that, it kind of made me feel a little bit dirty for enjoying that.  Should I be relishing all the death and destruction, even if it is creatively done?  

SPOILERS AHEAD after this point - proceed with caution, unless of course you've already seen "The Suicide Squad".  

One of the taglines for this film reads, "Don't Get Too Attached" - great advice considering the film's premise, which is that freelance heroes are expendable. The comic book this is based on, and the first film with the "Suicide Squad" title both had a very good premise, to take criminals with super-powers, put them to work saving the world, in exchange for ten years off their prison sentences.  Sure, it's a rip-off of "The Dirty Dozen", but in the comic-book world, this could explain how some criminals that Batman and/or Superman stop get back out on the street so soon, plus it saves a comic-book writer the trouble of coming up with new, innovative prison escape sequences every other month.  It also allowed for villains, which are often more interesting than hero characters, to take center stage in a story, redeem themselves in the eyes of the fans, but also maintain their status as self-serving individuals trying to get ahead in a fictional world that often needs saving.  PLUS, they'll do the dirty jobs, the wetwork that the heroes can't lower themselves to handle, and this way Superman's hands and public remain squeaky clean.  

BUT, there's a catch, these missions are dangerous - some or all of the task force members may not survive, so what good is ten years off your prison sentence if they're not alive to enjoy that?  AND even if the mission is successful, if it's not done to their supervisor's satisfaction, or if they try to escape when on the mission, their handlers have the option of detonating the explosive device implanted in their skulls.  You know, as a safety measure.  We see the entire recruitment process as Amanda Waller visits Belle Reve prison, to find the living cannon fodder needed to invade Corto Maltese, a (fictional) Central American island nation.  We assume she's putting together the best team possible, finding the exact mix of powers and personalities who can get the dirty job done.  Savant, Javelin, Blackguard, Mongal, and three carry-overs from the first "Suicide Squad" movie: Harley Quinn, Captain Boomerang and Colonel Rick Flag.  This all makes sense, possibly there were team members from the first film who died, or got their prison sentences sufficiently reduced, or simply weren't available (cough) Will Smith (cough).  

Honestly, I can see the conundrum here - how does one make a "standalone sequel", that's something of a big contradiction in terms.  Either this is a sequel or it's not, but somehow they tried to make this both. Sure, the events of the first film HAPPENED, umm, unless you absolutely hated that film, in which case, they didn't.  You don't HAVE to have seen the first one for this to make sense, but it does help, unless you didn't like that film and you want to just start again from scratch, and treat this second film as a soft reboot.  That's why they didn't call this one "Suicide Squad 2", however, not doing that probably led some people to think, "Wait, didn't I already SEE this film?" or "Is this a sequel or a remake or what?"  Well, what do you WANT it to be, just think of it however you like, just please get out there and see it.  Treat this as the sequel to "Birds of Prey" if you want, and let James Gunn make as many films as he wants and call them whatever he wants.  

(I think maybe I should go back and re-watch the first "Suicide Squad" film - I remember not being satisfied with it, but maybe I was just having a bad day.  Some people I've talked to lately think it's just the bomb, while others agree with me that it was a bit all-over-the-place, unfocused with many things being unclear.  Director David Ayer had a lot of things changed and re-worked by the studio after the failure of "Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice" and the success of Marvel films like "Deadpool".  Perhaps someday another cut of "Suicide Squad" will be released, like they did with "Justice League"?)

It's when we find out the superpowers of the other team members, like "T.D.K." and Weasel that we first maybe suspect that something's up, something's not right here.  Does Weasel even HAVE any superpowers?  His own teammates don't even know if he's a transformed human, or a dog, or maybe a werewolf - that's funny, and it's maybe how weird things would be in a fictional world where people have superpowers, many of which might be very unusual, not always helpful, and frequently misunderstood.  

There's a big fake-out happening, and nobody's more shocked to learn about it than the members of the task force themselves. These villains-turned-heroes were arrogant and overly sure of themselves, and governments lie because that's what governments DO.  That's a theme that comes up again and again in "The Suicide Squad", and it's a good one.  Think about it, would you ever fully trust the people who would put a bomb in your brain and point you at the enemy, with some vague promise of freedom, but only if you survive the mission, against all rational odds?  The whole concept is SERIOUSLY effed-up, but in a good way, a way that feels real-ish, like something that the government might actually do, if given the chance.  Didn't the government experiment on its own people, at Tuskegee and such, in order to find cures for diseases?  Haven't prisoners been used for hard labor, to build the railroads and clear swamplands and clean up highways?  So why not treat super-powered prisoners as a resource, all their knowledge and abilities are going to waste if they're sitting in jail cells, plus if they should die - whoopsie - after signing the consent forms, that's one less prisoner to house and feed, right?  

Anyway, the good news is that the film found a way to continue on, after losing so many members - Harley Quinn is a survivor, of course, out of necessity.  Her character is very popular, her hidden superpower is that she puts asses in movie theater seats.  Girls want to be her, guys want to...well, you know.  Rick Flag also makes it through to the next level, and the new/old team of Bloodsport, Peacemaker, King Shark, Ratcatcher and Polka-Dot Man is on hand to pick up where the first squad left off.  These are all wonderfully imperfect characters, like Bloodsport has a daughter that hates him but is also starting to act out, and Peacemaker is an overly patriotic character who will KILL ANYONE in the name of peace, yet he can't <<quite>> see the logical contradiction in his mantra.  And Ratcatcher controls and loves rats, which is quite icky of course, but it's all for the futile love and approval of her (deceased?) father.  

But the most screwed-up character of all is probably Polka-Dot Man, whose mother experimented on him and his siblings when he was a child.  In other words, she infected him with an inter-dimensional virus that causes him to expel toxic brightly-colored dots from his body, and if he doesn't do this twice a day, he gets very sick and could even die.  He's depressed, has mommy issues and is even suicidal - sounds like he'll fit into the squad just fine.  Oh, yeah, and there's also King Shark, who's some weird combination of man, shark, and possibly demi-god.  Don't try to figure it out, just roll with it, it's not important.  Talking shark is funny and cool.  

Arguably, this is one of the best uses of Harley Quinn as a character, she not only brings to the table those fighting skills we saw her use in "Birds of Prey" (where everything in the room, even the room itself, is a potential weapon, and she can take down about 100 or 200 assailants in short order) but she also gets her "Hero moment", in case you were under the mistaken belief that Harley is somehow a villain.  Actually there's a great turn-around moment for most of the main characters here, which then really makes things pretty fuzzy where good and evil are concerned.  If an evil character does good deeds because it serves him or her to do them, or because they're forced to, then is that action good or evil?  What if that evil character then is TOLD to walk away from a situation where he or she could be of greater help?  Then when that evil character defies and goes off mission, is that doing the right thing for the right reasons?  Or is that character just doing the right thing because it's WRONG, as in not part of the mission?  

I'm not even going to really get into the big, glorious fight scene (boss level) at the end, because it's SO good, so twisted, so unexpected - again, it's crazy bonkers nuts.  But the Squad goes up against a villain that I've only seen in "Justice League" comics, meaning this is a threat that usually requires Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Aquaman AND Green Lantern to defeat, at minimum.  So the Squad is really punching above their weight, this extinction-level villain is quite literally out of their League - this would be akin to Deadpool taking on Thanos in a Marvel movie.  It would be highly improbable, nearly impossible for the Suicide Squad to even survive this battle, let alone win.  But perhaps a good writer can always find a way.  

A good writer, in either comic books or superhero movies, also finds a way to keep the story going.  That's the first rule, never wrap things up, make everyone buy the next issue to find out what happens next.  So I hope this isn't the end, I hope we get at least another "Suicide Squad" movie, call it whatever the hell the director wants, I don't care.  And in the comic books, the issues that sell the best are always the ones where the heroes die, because another good writer can always find a (semi-)believable way to bring any hero back from the dead, I've seen it happen many, many times.  Remember that Arthur Conan Doyle once killed off Sherlock Holmes, then brought him back because killing him off made him popular again, and this process goes even further back, to Greek mythology even.  The "Suicide Squad" formula is even simpler, just bring back the team members who lived and supplement their ranks with other weird characters, there's a whole universe full of them. 

If I've got any complaint about this movie, it's the fact that the violence is way over the top - the film seems to delight in finding new ways to depict people being decapitated, torn in half, having limbs ripped off, etc.  There are much better ways to be creative, I don't find that this qualifies, it just becomes excessive showing-off at some point, and I don't think that it's something to be proud of.  Some people may take this as a positive, and I would keep an eye on those people.  Just saying. 

Oh, and last weekend while I was up in Massachusetts, I re-watched the first "Suicide Squad" film, I carried it up on old-school physical media DVD since streaming options at my parents' house are limited. I liked the original film a little better than I did upon first watching, but still found there were big story problems with the choice of villain and the team's formation also causing their first mission, rather than the other way around.  So, upon further review, the original score of 7 still stands. 

Also starring Margot Robbie (last seen in "Birds of Prey"), Idris Elba (last seen in "Cats"), John Cena (last heard in "Dolittle"), Joel Kinnaman (last seen in "Suicide Squad"), Viola Davis (last seen in "Ma Rainey's Black Bottom"), Jai Courtney (last seen in "Unbroken"), Peter Capaldi (last seen in "Smilla's Sense of Snow"), David Dastmalchian (last seen in "A Million Little Pieces"), Daniela Melchior, Michael Rooker (last seen in "Fantasy Island"), Pete Davidson (last seen in "The Jesus Rolls"), Nathan Fillion (last heard in "Cars 3"), Sean Gunn (last seen in "The Giant Mechanical Man"), Flula Borg (last seen in "Trolls World Tour"), Mayling Ng (last seen in "Wonder Woman"), Steve Agee (last seen in "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2"), Stephen Blackehart (ditto), Jennifer Holland, Tinashe Kajese (last seen in "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks"), Alice Braga (last heard in "Soul"), Juan Diego Botto, Joaquin Cosio (last heard in "Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse"), Storm Reid (last seen in "A Wrinkle in Time"), Julio Cesar Ruiz, Natala Safran (last seen in "Shazam!"), Jared Leland Gore, Rey Hernandez, Ray Benitez, Geraldo Davila, Mikaela Hoover (last seen in "Playing It Cool"), Lynne Ashe, Maya Le Clark and the voices of Sylvester Stallone (last seen in "Creed II"), Dee Bradley Baker, with cameos from Taika Waititi (last seen in "Jojo Rabbit"), John Ostrander, Pom Klementieff (last seen in "Thunder Force")

RATING: 8 out of 10 glasses of Fernet

The Last Blockbuster

Year 13, Day 258 - 9/15/21 - Movie #3,934

BEFORE: This one hasn't been on my Netflix list for THAT long, but long enough that I got a Netflix notification two days ago, reminding me to watch it.  Could be just a coincidence - I'd hate to think that the recommending bots have finally figured out my all-over-the-place approach to watching my movies.  I won't be contained - I should probably skip this one as a protest, but I'm too curious about it to do that.  Yesterday's film also links to tomorrow's, so I don't HAVE to watch this one here and now, but if not now, then when?  It's got such a varied cast that I could probably link here from anywhere, and my schedule is still one film over for the year, but nope, I'll find something else to drop.  Watching this one makes a better film land as Movie #3,950 so there you go. 

Ron Funches carries over from "Trolls World Tour". 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "All Things Must Pass: The Rise and Fall of Tower Records" (Movie #2,428)

THE PLOT: A documentary on the last remaining Blockbuster Video, located in Bend, Oregon.

AFTER: I bet you can guess how nostalgic I am about renting movies fom video stores - I was a teen during the 1980's, when Blockbuster Video was the biggest game in town, especially since my parents adamantly refused to get cable, he strongly believed that all TV should be free.  I had to order cable for my parents years later and pay for it, just so there would be some decent TV and a clear picture when I came to visit.  And I STILL watch movies on DVD, and I STILL have a collection of VHS tapes, I just never replaced some movies that I bought back in the 1980's and 90's on VHS, but I still have VCRs and a working DVD player, even if my computers no longer have DVD drives.  It's a way of life that I still don't want to completely lose touch with, though I don't think I've been in a video-rental store since I moved out of Brooklyn.  

They're still out there, this doc may be about the last Blockbuster, but there are still independent video stores, just like somewhere there are still blacksmiths making horseshoes and there are people using mimeograph machines and printing books using movable type.  Umm, right?  People still grill food over fire, I know that much, and that's been going on for thousands of years, and BBQ isn't going away any time soon.  And people still ride horses, somewhere, when they're herding cattle or sheep or something, I bet.  Sometimes the old ways still just work.  

My first job was in a department store in the Boston area, the kind of place that sold furniture, housewares, computers, electronics, and even had a video rental counter.  I applied to work in video rentals, but they put me in the warehouse, bringing merch out to the customers who'd just paid for it.  (Cash, then carry...). I wonder if my life would have been different if I had been able to work in video rentals, recommending movies to people and talking movies all day long - I might have become the next Tarantino, but probably not.  After that, I worked in a movie theater while I went to film school, so I eventually got where I wanted to go, more or less, and not working in video rentals was just a momentary setback.  But working there allowed me to afford a copy of "The Empire Strikes Back" on VHS the day it came out, even though it cost close to $100 (yep) I watched that tape so many times that price became a bargain.  Previously I had bought the first "Star Wars" film used from a different video store, for the high price (to me, at the time) of $30.  

So this film gives me a little background about WHY the movie industry was making bad decisions, like pricing VHS tapes at $100, instead of, say, $20.  The industry felt they were losing money when compared to movie theater ticket prices, which were maybe $6 or $7 at the time.  If I bought that movie on VHS I could watch it whenever I wanted, and I'd never go out to see it in the theater again, so Hollywood felt they were losing their monopoly, and wanted to be compensated for that.  But, but I was still going to go to see NEW movies in the theater, so what gives?  (The Star Wars series is probably a bad example here, because as a true fan, later on I'd end up buying the special editions on VHS, then DVD, and now they're on streaming, so really, I wasted all that money...)

Also, the VHS tapes were priced to discourage people from buying to own, at least at first - what 15-year old kid, besides me, was going to drop a C-note on a VHS tape?  They could sell a tape to ONE person for $100, or they could rent it for $3 to 100 people, which would take in $300?  Well, sure, that makes sense, provided nobody damages the tape or it doesn't break during rewinding or get caught in the VCR heads - yes, it happened, but good luck trying to explain that to the rental store without having to reimburse them for the cost of the tape.  Fortunately, DVDs soon came along and those were VERY difficult to damage - I'm just kidding, they were very easy to scratch or damage or melt, if you left them in your car on a hot summer's day.  Whose bright idea was it to have one side of the disc exposed to the dusty air and the elements, and that side would also be where the disc's information was stored?  One little scratch and the disc would skip, worse than a vinyl record, and again, you'd be on the hook for the damage.

Or, god forbid, if you forgot to rewind the VHS tape, that was ANOTHER charge - so having a Blockbuster or other franchise video-store was basically a license to charge the customer for doing everything, or even doing nothing.  Bring the tape back late, and they'd charge you for the whole cost of the tape.  Seeing "Gremins" for $3 was a good deal, but if the tape broke, then you had to pay $50 and you now own a broken copy of "Gremlins", that's a terrible deal.  You know, I'm starting to see why streaming took so much market share from video rental stores when it came along.  But I'm going to point out here that streaming and cable have their own problems - what happens when the cable company is having problems, when the lines are down or your internet isn't working right?  My DVD player will still work when the internet is down or the cable's doing that thing where it pixellates every 30 seconds.  (Or if your satellite TV is on the fritz because, you know, it's cloudy.)

Plus, some people still miss the human connection, that ability to walk into a store where someone will recommend a movie to you based on what they know about you, even if what they know about you is that you like movies where people are tortured horribly by a stranger who's put them in weird puzzle-like contraptions.  (Dude, you really should see somebody about that...). I was always afraid that the staff at Park Slope Video in Brooklyn knew just a bit too much about my tape-renting habits.  Sure, we have Amazonbots and Netflixbots recommending movies now, but it's just not the same, where's the shame and scorn?  

Never fear, there's still at least ONE Blockbuster video store keeping the dreams alive, even in the age of COVID where people are still afraid to leave the house, they can still get curbside pick-up at the last Blockbuster in Bend, Oregon.  But this film leads you to think this is the last video-rental store, period, and that's just not true - there's Scarecrow Video in Seattle, and there's Movie Madness in Portland, OR, and my boss recently visited Universal Video in Seaside, on the Oregon Coast.  We used to have Kim's Video here in NYC, several locations but I guess the last one closed in 2014.  There still might be a couple holdouts in the Times Square area, but I'd be a little wary of those - anyway, I don't need to go to video stores, because even if something I really want to see isn't on cable, or disappears from Netflix, then there's always iTunes.  Why would I go to a video store to rent a movie for $3.99 when I can just push a couple buttons on my computer and see it for $3.99?  So of course, I get it, I see why streaming killed the video-store.  (My apologies to The Buggles.)

This documentary puts forth the theory that Netflix and Redbox didn't kill Blockbuster, BLOCKBUSTER killed Blockbuster.  They expanded too much, too quickly and didn't pay attention to the changing marketplace or the fact that customers wanted more convenience, not just 50 copies of Stephen Seagal in "Hard to Kill" available to them in the New Releases section.  By the time Blockbuster started to listen to their customers, abolish all late fees, and started mailing DVDs to customers' homes, with an eye toward looking into this "streaming" thing, it was already too late.  Plus Blockbuster had a revolving door on the CEO's office, the men who had led 7-Eleven and the guy who invented the Cheesy Gordita Crunch over at Taco Bell both took turns leading the company before corporate raider Carl Icahn started sniffing around.  (Not to disparage the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, it's damn delicious, and if there were a Nobel Prize for fast food, it would definitely be worthy, only that's not a thing.)

Carl Icahn, why does that name sound so familiar?  Oh, yeah, Marvel Comics.  Some people don't remember that Marvel once filed for bankruptcy and had to reorganize itself - it never stopped publishing comics, but in a very similar fashion to Blockbuster, Marvel sort of lost its way and wasn't really reading its customers right - they thought what the fans wanted was a new X-Men series, with a #1 issue with 6 different covers, so instead of paying $3 for a comic, you'd have to pay $18 to collect them all, thinking that they'd be very valuable someday - only they wouldn't because all your friends and all their friends also bought all 6 collectible covers, and there were so many copies of X-Men #1 on the market that they had no resale value, and became essentially worthless.  Of course, they didn't really think of just making the comics BETTER, or if they did, that idea came a bit too late - and in the meantime Marvel bought a trading card company (Topps) and a sticker company (Panini) and a toy company (ToyBiz) so they could make Marvel trading cards and Marvel stickers and Marvel toys themselves, and WHOOPSIE, we're out of money, how did that happen?  

I remember this because I bought stock in Marvel Comics when it was first offered, I dropped maybe $1,000 on I think 40 shares.  I got an invitation to their stockholders meetings for a few years, and I did go, and a couple times I got my stock report (in comic book form) signed by Stan Lee, so that's something.  But a few years after I bought the stock, naturally it was in the crapper because Marvel had bought up all these smaller companies and had massive debts.  My 40 shares were essentially worthless, though I was given the opportunity to trade them in for ONE share of the new, reorganized company - for a fee, of course.  Yeah, no thanks, I took a pass and a couple years later I bought a few shares of Disney - then what happened?  Disney bought Marvel, so I felt the universe was having a big old laugh at my expense - but then the Marvel movies came out and did gangbusters, so who knows, maybe these things just go in cycles, you just don't want to be left holding the stock at the bottom of that cycle, like I was.

Anyway, Blockbuster - at one point Netflix representatives had a meeting with Blockbuster executives to see if they were interested in buying Netflix.  "What?  Buy a streaming service?  No thanks, we're about to start a streaming service of our own, and buying an existing one would just be easier and probably cheaper, so that's crazy talk."  And one day, people would look back on that as one of the great bonehead entitled white guy moves of ALL TIME.  If Blockbuster were still around, and they OWNED Netflix, would that be a better world, or just a different one?  And now the documentary about Blockbuster's demise is streaming on Netflix, so there's another case of the universe having a big old laugh at somebody's expense - just this time, it's not mine.

So somebody still manages that Last Blockbuster, her name is Sandi Harding, and all of the members of her family have worked at the store at one time or another.  They're still surviving, they still don't sell porn, and they still provide that face-to-face personal service, and they don't even make people rewind any more, but I think that's just because you don't have to rewind a DVD.  (Kids, ask your parents.).  The last Blockbuster in Bend just may stick around forever, because they got all that cool Russell Crowe merchandise that John Oliver bought at an auction and sent to the last couple Blockbuster stores in Alaska (which have since closed) and they also somehow got all the computers from the other Blockbusters in Oregon, which they can cannibalize for parts and keep their own machines running.  

People come from far and wide to visit the last Blockbuster, some people who are in their teens or 20's who have NEVER been in a video-rental store before.  Plus I hear there's a secret cabal of Hollywood elite who meet in the basement of this store and discuss and trade old horror movies. Thank god we still have arcades, too - that's another prehistoric thing that isn't completely dead yet, either.  We even have a few in NYC called Barcade, they have food, beer and video games, and they're surviving too.  

This film interviews a number of comedians and actors, some of whom worked in Blockbuster Video stores as teens, and have a mix of wonderful nostalgic and probably also a few horrible memories (Because, you know, it was still A JOB.).  They also interview Troma executive and film producer Lloyd Kaufman, someone I've met at various comic-cons, he and my boss did a podcast together once, and I think a couple times Lloyd and I were on the same flight from San Diego back to NYC.  The interviewer asked Lloyd to introduce himself and describe his accomplishments and Lloyd said, "Why do I have to do that, isn't that your job?  Or do you not know who I am?  Didn't you do your research?"  Ah, that's typical Lloyd - I also have a friend who worked for Lloyd for a while, and I'm sure he'll back me up.  

That's OK, there are friendly people interviewed here too, like Kevin Smith - who I've never met, but I think I'd like to have a chat with him someday if possible.  I've just never been willing to stand in line outside Hall H to be able to do so.  Ron Funches, Doug Benson and Paul Scheer, I feel like I know them all from watching every episode of "I Love the 80's".  Brian Posehn's here too, I think I saw him once walking out of Comic-Con with Patton Oswalt late one night, but I was too chicken-shit to approach.  

Anyway, please patronize your local video-store if you can, I feel like I've done my share over the years, and iTunes is my go-to back-up now, but if you've got one in your area, please stop in.  And I hope hope HOPE that someday Amazon follows the same business model as Blockbuster, expands too much too quickly and somehow pays the price for not giving a crap about their customers (or in Amazon's case, their employees) or that Jeff Bezos wastes so much money on space travel that the company has to file for bankruptcy and gets bought out by, I don't know, m&m/Mars or something.  It could happen.

One big NITPICK POINT - the interviewer surprises many of the interview subjects with a VHS case containing the film "The Last Blockbuster", as a gift for participating in the interviews.  Only we all realize that's impossible, right?  Impossible for them to have footage IN THE FILM of people receiving copies of the FINISHED FILM.  It's a paradox, you can't have a finished film until all the footage is filmed, so you can't be filming a scene of someone getting a copy of the finished film, and have that scene then get edited into the finished film.  

Also starring Tom Casey, Sandi Harding, Kate Hagen, Alan Payne, Jared Rasic, Ken Tisher, 

Doug Benson (last heard in "The Lego Batman Movie"), Adam Brody (last seen in "CHIPS"), Greg Camp, Eric Close (last seen in "American Sniper"), Darren Hayes, Lloyd Kaufman (last seen in "Comic Book: The Movie"), Jamie Kennedy (last seen in "Boiler Room"), Samm Levine (last seen in "Vacation"), Brian Posehn (last seen in "The Five-Year Engagement"), Paul Scheer (last seen in "The Onion Movie"), Ione Skye (last seen in "River's Edge"), Kevin Smith (last seen in "Jay and Silent Bob Reboot"), James Arnold Taylor (last heard in "Teen Titans GO! to the Movies"), the voice of Lauren Lapkus (last seen in "Between Two Ferns: The Movie")

and archive footage of Jeff Anderson (last seen in "Zack and Miri Make a Porno"), John Antioco, Jim Carrey (last seen in "Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond"), David Cook, Terry Crews (last seen in "Middle Men"), Russell Crowe (last seen in "State of Play"), Tom Cruise (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - Fallout"), Ellen Degeneres (last seen in "The Accidental President"), Seth Meyers (ditto), Jim Gaffigan (last seen in "Drunk Parents"), Jami Gertz (last seen in "The Lost Boys"), Tom Hanks (last seen in "Everyting Is Copy"), Ed Harris (last seen in "Cleaner"), Reed Hastings, Clint Howard (last seen in "Solo: A Star Wars Story"), Carl Icahn, Jim Keyes, Jimmy Kimmel (last seen in "Class Action Park"), Gayle King (last seen in "The Color Purple"), Burt Kwouk (last seen in "You Only Live Twice", Elisabeth Moss (last seen in "Shirley"), John Oliver, Al Pacino (last seen in "Manglehorn"), Kellie Pickler, Sumner Redstone, Andy Samberg (last seen in "Brigsby Bear"), Peter Sellers (last seen in "Elvis & Nixon"). 

RATING: 6 out of 10 copies of "Paul Blart 2"

Trolls World Tour

Year 13, Day 257 - 9/14/21 - Movie #3,933

BEFORE: I know, I know, what the hell am I doing?  First I watch "Cats" and now it's the second "Trolls" film, made for kids.  In my defense, I do like to keep track of what stupid ideas animated films are putting into the minds of kids, and I've probably watched WAY worse movies than the first "Trolls" film.  This was another film originally scheduled for last year, I had a whole Ron Funches chain planned, with "Once Upon a Time in Venice" and "Killing Hasselhoff" that was also supposed to connect to "Bill & Ted Face the Music", only that Bill & Ted movie didn't play in NYC theaters, which were still closed at the time.  So I had to re-work the chain, and it was too long after the re-work, so something else had to be cut, too, and that was "Trolls World Tour".  So I'm still sometimes playing catch up with the films I didn't get to in 2020.  

Last film in the James Corden chain, and they were all musicals, too - putting this one here will make some more sense tomorrow, as I squeeze in another documentary before I get to "The Suicide Squad". 

THE PLOT: When the Queen of the Hard Rock Trolls tries to take over all of the Troll Kingdoms, Queen Poppy and her friends try different ways to save all the Trolls. 

AFTER: Look, it could have been a lot worse, that's all I'm saying.  This could have been called "Trolls 2: Rock & Troll" or there could have been many horrible puns on "rock trolls" throughout the film.  But I guess that wouldn't have worked, because it turns out there's a whole Troll-iverse out there - sure, if you're going to dream, why not dream big - with country music trolls, classical music trolls, funk trolls, techno trolls, K-Pop trolls and smooth jazz trolls.  What, no easy listening or adult contemporary trolls?  No New Age trolls?  There seems to be a part of troll-land based on every major form of American music, and the less popular styles of music, like, say, yodeling, don't get a whole land, because it's just a couple of trolls who practice that. 

Yes, the land we saw in the first "Trolls" film was just the tip of the iceberg, and it makes sense now why "Poppy" (daughter of King Peppy) is their leader.  Pop music trolls, get it?  This explains why they just dance around all day, singing medleys of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" mixed with "Good Times", right?  Though when you think about it, what does "Pop" mean, anyway?  Isn't it short for "popular"?  So if a lot of people like a country song, then it becomes popular, why isn't that considered a "pop" song, then?  You see what I mean, it's a terrible name for a genre of music.  It would be like if in addition to Chinese food, Spanish food, French food, we had a category called "edible food".  It's ALL edible, so that name wouldn't work.  Any style of music can be popular, but not all music can be "pop", it makes less sense the more you think about it.  Also, NITPICK POINT, why is there no Jazz land, there's a small "smooth jazz" contingent, but where did that come from in a world where there was no "jazz" to begin with?

It seems that once upon a time, there was only one kind of troll, and one kind of music, played on a six-string harp or lyre, but over time, the trolls developed different tastes and began arguing over what kind of music should be played, so the kingdom split into six parts, and each group of trolls took one of the strings with them.  This seemed weird to me at first, because how much music can you play on just one string?  But then again, if you've got frets to change the note, then maybe one string is all you need.  Also, be glad they didn't call this film "Poppy and the Six Strings".  

The problem comes when Barb, a Hard Rock troll, starts to the invade the other kingdoms with her Barb-arians, in order to steal their strings and make sure that Rock is the only type of music played with them, going forward.  Since "rock" here means classic rock songs that are easily available for licensing, that means we hear "Crazy Train", "Barracuda" and "Rock You Like a Hurricane".  Hmm, those are all decent songs, so maybe it's a mistake to have the villain play better music if you don't want me to root for her.  Do I want country music to be replaced by rock?  Do I want funk and classical to be taken over by the rockers?  Umm, yes, please, I'm not sure I see what the problem is with that.  Why is classical still hanging around, anyway?  Didn't it peak in like the 1700's?  I guess some people still ride horses, even though we have cars now, though I don't see the attraction.  

Speaking of things that make less sense the more you think about them, how do Trolls know about K-Pop?  "K" stands for "Korean", right?  How do they even know what Korea is in the land of the trolls?  And "country"?  The country being referenced in the name of that music is the good ol' USA, and they shouldn't know what that is, either.  The whole concept here is pretty clunky, also not all country music is sad, though some of it admittedly is, and damn you for putting me in a position to defend country music when I don't even like most of it.  Hank Williams and Johnny Cash had some pretty good stuff, but the modern stuff is all shite.  And don't even get me started on Reggaeton, because I have no idea what it is, and I'll bet that even the biggest reggaeton stars can't even properly describe what it is.  

Anyway, there are some mixed messages here, Poppy wants to reach out to the other Troll lands right after she finds out about them, because she assumes they want to get together to party or make mixes or something.  Ah, sweet naive Poppy.  Branch and King Peppy try to convince her otherwise, because they know that Trolls (people) should just stay in their own countries, not travel anywhere, because interacting with other cultures can only lead to trouble.  It's a bit weird that this notion is being put forward in the plot of a kids movie - usually the movie studios are trying to champion diversity and acceptance, and it's even weirder that Branch turns out to be right.  Those damn foreigners will take over your country if you let them.  Huh?  Best to stick to your own kind, defend your borders and let other nations wage war with each other and take each other out.  Again, WTF?  Was this written by Republicans?  I'm surprised part of the plot didn't involve building a giant wall to keep the Rock Trolls out.

Poppy turns out to be right in the end, of course, but it's a LONG road to getting there, even in a relatively short 90-minute movie.  Also, kids, remember that you can ONLY like one form of music, so choose it very carefully, and you can never, ever change it.  You then must only live and associate with the other people who also share your tastes.  Trust me, it's better that way.  And also, if somebody sends you an invitation to a party, you should, of course, be very suspicious of their motives.  Hey, it's a tough world, best not to take any chances.  

A couple of random musings - when you compare the cast list of the first "Trolls" film to this one, it's clear which actors were not invited back to reprise their roles, thanks to the #MeToo and "cancel culture" movements.  Also, THIS is how Trolls give birth?  Is this canonical or is it just something random that's going to confuse kids, going forward?  

Also starring the voices of Anna Kendrick (last seen in "End of Watch"), Justin Timberlake (last seen in "The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"), Rachel Bloom (last heard in "The Angry Birds Movie 2"), Ron Funches (last seen in "6 Underground"), Ozzy Osbourne (last seen in "Let's Go to Prison"), Karan Soni (last seen in "Like a Boss"), Anderson .Paak, George Clinton, Mary J. Blige (last seen in "Quincy"), Kelly Clarkson, Sam Rockwell (last heard in "The One and Only Ivan"), Icona Pop, Kunal Nayyar (last heard in "Trolls"), Walt Dohrn (ditto), David P. Smith (ditto), Caroline Hjelt (ditto), Aino Jawo (ditto), Jamie Dornan (last seen in "My Dinner with Hervé"), J Balvin, Kenan Thompson (last heard in "The Grinch"), Kevin Michael Richardson (last heard in "Tarzan & Jane"), Ester Dean (last seen in "Pitch Perfect 3"), Gustavo Dudamel, Anthony Ramos (last seen in "Godzilla: King of the Monsters"), Flula Borg (last seen in "Killing Hasselhoff"), Charlyne Yi (last seen in "All About Steve"), Betsy Sodaro (last seen in "An American Pickle"), Berenice Amador, Jamila Hache, Justin McElroy, Travis McElroy, Griffin McElroy, Da'Vine Joy Randolph (last seen in "Dolemite Is My Name"), Marcella Lentz-Pope, the group Red Velvet, with a cameo from Zooey Deschanel (last seen in "The New Guy")

RATING: 4 out of 10 cheese balls

Cats

Year 13, Day 255 - 9/12/21 - Movie #3,932

BEFORE: I'm up in Massachusetts for just a weekend, a little break before the new part-time job starts, because after that, I may be busy on weekends again, and who knows when I'll be able to sneak away and visit my parents, maybe not until Thanksgiving.  This was part of my campaign to clear films off the living room DVR, the "movie DVR", before leaving, so it won't fill up.  This is an ongoing problem, because I can only clear movies from certain channels off the DVR, by dubbing them to DVD, and some premium channels run a signal with the movie that makes duplication impossible.  So the Movie DVR is at 70% full and holding, I can't seem to get it any less full without watching the movies, thus freeing them for deletion, but thanks to my system, that takes proper planning, and time.  And while I'm doing that, I keep finding movies that I haven't seen, so the damn thing fills up again, and so on ad infinitum.  Meanwhile, the bedroom DVR, the "TV DVR", is filled with about 55 episodes of "Chopped", I've cleared off as much of every other show as I can, but watching "Chopped" together used to be our bedtime routine, and that's fallen by the wayside, so I don't know how I'm going to free up some more space there. 

James Corden carries over again from "The Prom". I promise you, there is a method to my madness, or at least it's the other way around.  And I switched the last two movies around so I could give a Birthday SHOUT-out to Jennifer Hudson, born September 12, 1981.  So, happy 40th, Jennifer, sorry I can't work "Respect" into the chain at this time - I saw bits of the film while I was working at the movie theater, but I was too busy to watch the whole thing.  I'll get there, I've only scratched the surface so far on the films of 2021. 

THE PLOT: A tribe of cats called the Jellicles must decide yearly which one will ascend to the Heaviside Layer and come back to a new Jellicle life. 

AFTER: This is a good reminder that Broadway is coming back, even the "Hamilton" lottery is running again, but ONLY for vaccinated people.  Don't even bother trying to see a Broadway show if you haven't got the shot, you'll be turned away, because NYC is a right-thinking city, and we all know the only way we're all going to get through this thing is to encourage everybody to get the COVID vaccine.  And if that doesn't work, we're going to try DIS-couraging NOT getting the vaccine, maybe that will work.  Meanwhile, in other parts of the country, the pandemic is worse than ever, gee, I wonder why?  What could POSSIBLY be going wrong with letting people's personal freedoms outweigh the common good, which is basically just a free pass for the virus to run rampant, yet the politicians are doubling down by forbidding mask mandates and vaccine mandates, while insisting that nothing's wrong with that.  OK, great, just remember that you kept your personal freedoms, but when you caught COVID, you infected your granny and now she's six feet under.  Good luck sleeping at night, and living with your damn self going forward, but no, no, congratulations on keeping your personal freedoms and not making any sacrifices for the common good. Life is full of lessons, it turns out. 

I put this film off just about as long as I could, because it looked absolutely ridiculous - AND I was right.  My excuse today is that I suffered through it just to make some space on the DVR, and I'm sticking with that - plus I was curious to see JUST how bad it could be.  It's not totally un-watchable, just almost completely un-watchable.  Painful at times, and other times it just left me scratching my head, wondering who the hell thought this would be a good idea.  The Broadway show had its day, and thankfully was never followed by anybody making the musical "Dogs", which would have been the obvious parody, if you ask me.  There was a time when the live show was promoted with "Now, and forever at the Winter Garden Theater", which sounded a bit like a threat, if not just overly ambitious.  "Yes, I know it's 1985, but we're now taking reservations for 2015, would you like an orchestra seat or something in the balcony?"  The show ran on Broadway from 1982 until September 10, 2000 - that's almost 21 years ago to the day that it closed, after 7,485 performances.  Then there was a revival on Broadway from 2016-2017.

"Cats" was a great NYC show, in that it was comforting to know that it was always THERE, always being performed, even if you never went to see it.  Kind of like the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building, true New Yorkers never visit, but like matzoh ball soup at 3 am, it's great to know that the opportunity is always available.  Where else can you get actors in skintight catsuits coming into the crowd to fondle audience members?  Pretty cheap thrills for a Times Square show, if you ask me. "Cats" was replaced at the Winter Garden (after "forever" turned out to not be a viable option) by "Mamma Mia?", which ran there from 2001 to 2013.  And yet "Mamma Mia!" got adapted into a movie years before "Cats" did, go figure. 

I'm avoiding it, of course, but where does one even BEGIN to tear apart this movie?  It's ridiculous from start to finish - I've never seen the stage musical performed, but the plot concerns a group of cats who get together for a contest, to decide which of them is worthy of being reincarnated, or taken to the HeaviSide Layer, whatever that means.  Wait, I thought all cats supposedly have nine lives, why are we getting so bent out of shape over just one of them getting a second life?  Why are we even getting involved in the afterlife of cats anyway, it's all bullshit based on folklore, right?  There's just no THERE there, so why are you wasting my time with this?  Why did Andrew Lloyd Webber waste his time with this, why did T.S. Eliot waste his time with this?  "Practical cats"?  There's nothing practical about this at all, I'd really start with T.S. Eliot and work my way down the chain if I had more time, but I don't. 

Somehow old T.S. got stuck observing cats - was he just a weirdo or did he honestly have nothing better to do?  OK, so he put together a bunch of clever rhymes, but that only gets you so far at the end of the day - remember, though, that there was NO internet back then, so people, and poets in particular, had a TON of spare time because they weren't shaming people on Twitter or posting pics to the Instagram or re-posting vacation photos from three years ago today on Facebook.  So basically he had no choice but to come up with names like Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer and create a whole hierarchy and religious system that justified the odd behavior of stray cats.  MAYBE it had some relevance for people back in 1939, but that was then and this is now, and don't we all know better?  

Look, I'm a cat owner, I love cats, but I'm not a fan of "Cats", it's just silly.  If I'd known this would all lead to me having to watch James Corden and Rebel Wilson dancing around in big cat suits, I would have passed.  I SHOULD have passed, and now I have nothing but regrets - it's not quite as bad as the regret I felt after watching the documentary about the 1999 Woodstock Festival, but maybe it's about half of that?  Look, I get it, if your thing is watching sexy dancers in tight cat-suits, that's cool, it's not my type of kink, but if it's yours, go right ahead. I don't particularly care for Taylor Swift, not even in a cat-suit, but I can see it if that's your thing.  Mazel tov to you, but I'm not into furries.  My old boss used to give me time off to go to San Diego Comic-Con, only he thought of it as a type of furry convention, which it wasn't, at least not for me.  But that venue was so big, so overreaching that whatever your kink was, you could probably find it somewhere in the Gaslamp District, what I called "Comic Con After Dark".  I went to a couple of burlesque shows in my early visits there, ones that featured women dressed as Marvel and DC characters, and it was called "Comic Strip".  Memorable, and maybe a bit closer to my thing, but I have a feeling that after a time, somebody got cease and desist letters from Marvel and DC's lawyers.  

This film had a $95 million budget, or thereabouts, and then only grossed $73 million or so worldwide - when you do the Hollywood math, that means Universal lost about $110 million on this (I know, that doesn't really add up right, but that's Hollywood math, the only people who made money were the advertising and promotion people, and the actors, I guess). But overall that proves that just because you CAN make this movie, that doesn't mean that it's a good idea to do so.  Some actors will still come out on top, like I'm thinking that Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Swift are going to be OK, Idris Elba can still get work, as long as he never mentions his work on this film again in public, right?  James Corden still has his TV show to fall back on, and Judi Dench and Ian McKellen have a lot of respectable work on their resumés, so they're gonna be all right.  Rebel Wilson, I like her, but maybe she needs some help making better choices. 

I'm still dancing around all the problems here, without mentioning them specifically, so here goes, beyond what I've already described.  The actress who plays Victoria, the new cat to the tribe, has the same dumbstruck expression on her face in every single shot.  This may be a directorial choice, instead of an acting choice, but still, it's annoying.  I don't want to fat-shame anybody, because that's not cool, but people who are a bit on the plump side, both male and female, need to be aware that skin-tight suits are just not for everyone.  I'm a big guy, and I don't wear shorts or tight shirts for a reason, it's just what we have to do if we're going to leave the house. Then we come to names like Growltiger, Bustopher, Bombalurina and words like "Jellicle", I don't know what any of this means, or is supposed to mean, so I'm just at a loss.  It's just nonsense, right?  Like it feels more like Dr. Seuss than anything else, but at least Dr. Seuss is accessible, it's aimed at kids so it will be easier to understand.  I would have paid to have Mike Myers appear in the background here, dressed up as The Cat in the Hat, because at least that would have been funny and self-deprecating. 

And that's maybe the biggest problem here, it's the tone.  This shit takes itself WAY too seriously, when it's too ridiculous to be serious, even a little bit.  Somehow when a movie goes WAY over the top like this, it's also got to be tongue-in-cheek, poke fun at itself a bit, and not be so god-damned straight-laced about everything.  I'm supposed to think that there's nothing more important in life than a cat that catches mice on a train so that the passengers won't be bothered during their tea?  Really?  Was this ever a genuine problem on trains, in the U.K. or anywhere?  Quite literally, who gives a rat's ass about this?  It's a pile of nonsensical things that together, doesn't add up to anything worthwhile.  Thank you, next.

Also starring Francesca Hayward, Judi Dench (last seen in "All Is True"), Idris Elba (last seen in "RocknRolla"), Jennifer Hudson (last seen in "Clive Davis: The Soundtrack of Our Lives"), Taylor Swift (ditto), Laurie Davidson (last seen in "The Good Liar"), Robbie Fairchild, Rebel Wilson (last seen in "The Hustle"), Jason Derulo, Ian McKellen (last seen in "The Dresser" (2015)), Steven McRae, Danny Collins, Naoimh Morgan, Ray Winstone (last seen in "Black Widow"), Mette Towley (last seen in "The Old Guard"), Daniela Norman, Laurent Bourgeois (last seen in "Men in Black: International"), Larry Bourgeois (ditto), Jaih Betote, Jonadette Carpio, Bluey Robinson, Freya Rowley, Ida Saki, Zizi Strallen, Eric Underwood, Cory English, Melissa Madden-Gray.

RATING: 3 out of 10 marching roaches