Space Jam

Year 2, Day 113 - 4/23/10 - Movie #478

BEFORE: OK, enough aliens that look like humans - what about aliens that look like cartoons?

THE PLOT: Michael Jordan agrees to help the Looney Toons play a basketball game vs. alien slavers to determine their freedom.

AFTER: Ugh, I don't know where to start with this - there's no point arguing over the reality of this, when it's not meant to be realistic at all. Cartoons don't have to be cartoonish, but this one certainly is.

Remember when Michael Jordan decided that, having conquered the basketball world, he would go and play baseball? It lasted about a half a season, I think. Well, the folks who made this film had the unfortunate timing to make a film about Michael Jordan during this awkward time - so the first half of this movie is a very convoluted plot designed to explain why Jordan would play basketball again, after being semi-retired.

Once again, aliens have come to Earth, but this time they don't want salt, or water, or classic black-and-white films - they want our Warner Bros. characters! Why they don't hire intergalactic attorneys to take over the character rights, I don't know - but they want to enslave our beloved Bugs Bunny and friends, to perform in some space theme park (I know, I know...it doesn't make much sense)

The only hope is to challenge these tiny aliens to a contest, and the Toons try to outsmart them by making it a game of basketball (would it have been hockey, if Wayne Gretzky was available instead of Jordan?) - but the aliens cheat by siphoning off the talents of 5 notable (OK, 3 notable + 2 relatively unknown) NBA players.

NOW the only hope is to transport Air Jordan into the cartoon world, and convince him to play on the TuneSquad - a clear violation of the rules of the contest, since he's NOT A CARTOON! We expect the villains to cheat, but aren't the heroes of the film supposed to play by the rules?

It's great to see our old pals, the Looney Tunes, still being used in the 1990's and beyond, but unfortunately there was a lot of overlapping chatter from the toons, and a lot of little sight gags that went nowhere. All this in addition to a plot that starts with farfetched, zigzags through crazy town and ends up just being completely unbelievable. Watching Jordan interact with characters that weren't really there during filming doesn't help...

The message of the film, as I see it, is that you can achieve whatever you want to do in life - play baseball, battle aliens - as long as your name is Michael Jordan.

Also starring Bill Murray, Wayne Knight, Larry Bird, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, with the voices of Billy West, Danny DeVito, and June Foray - and cameos from Patricia Heaton and Dan Castellaneta

RATING: 4 out of 10 personal fouls

Meet Dave

Year 2, Day 112 - 4/22/10 - Movie 477

BEFORE: Variations on a theme - tonight it's Eddie Murphy as the clueless alien on Earth - though after last night's film, my expectations are not very high.

THE PLOT: A crew of miniature aliens operate a spaceship that has a human form. While trying to save their planet, the aliens encounter a new problem, as their ship becomes smitten with an Earth woman.

AFTER: Well, it is Earth Day today, and there is something of an ecological message here - Eddie Murphy's character, Number 1, leads a team of tiny aliens whose planet is in need of salt, so they journey to Earth to get it. Seems like in these movies aliens are always coming here because they need our water, or our salt, or our human flesh, but then they always get hooked on our art, and our movies, and this wacky "love" thing we've got goin' on.

Just like last night, the alien(s) learn about Earth customs by accessing their intergalactic database, which is frequently wrong. And they enjoy our old movies, this time it's the holiday classic "It's a Wonderful Life". At least that's better than old Jimmy Durante movies...

And just like in last night's film, much of the humor comes from watching the alien(s) not knowing what to do in social situations - like shaking hands, or kissing, or eating food. The Eddie Murphy-shaped spaceship, who takes the name "Dave", gets entered into a hot-dog eating contest, and since he's a machine, he's got an unfair advantage. He also has a strange reaction to eating food and drinking mojitos - well, I guess they don't have alcohol on their home planet.

Something in the Earth's atmosphere makes the tiny aliens act in different ways - some become more warlike, some become more romantic, and some become flamingly gay - or does being on Earth just enable them to become who they were meant to be?

This film was slightly better than "My Stepmother Is an Alien", but it was still pretty terrible.

Also starring Elizabeth Banks, Ed Helms, Judah Friedlander, and Mike O'Malley

RATING: 3 out of 10 carnival rides

My Stepmother Is an Alien

Year 2, Day 111 - 4/21/10 - Movie #476

BEFORE: Probably a very stupid movie - but it ties in with my chain, and I promised not to pre-judge. I will say that it makes sense that an alien trying to take over the world wouldn't look like E.T. or a glowing floaty creature - it would look like Kim Basinger, or someone equally as hot. Or maybe a big friendly panda-shaped Brian Dennehy...

THE PLOT: An alien is sent on a secret mission to Earth, where she appears as a gorgeous, attractive, and single lady...

AFTER: Wow, watching this movie was a very bad idea. I regret adding this to my chain.

Except for Kim Basinger's late-80's hotness, and her 47 costume changes that include many sheer + see-through things, there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie at all...

I simply could not believe one line of dialogue - I just kept thinking, "No one on the planet even TALKS this way." Which is fine for a character who's an alien, but the dialogue from the humans just isn't lifelike either.

I usually appreciate Dan Aykroyd, but even as a geek in "Spies Like Us" he was more believable - here he's a astro-physicist (!) working for SETI who accidentally finds a way to transmit a faster-than-light message (!!) to another galaxy. This prompts a visit from a very sexxxy alien (Basinger) who doesn't understand Earth customs at all - it's like "Mork & Mindy" in reverse, except it's not at all funny.

The movie can't even stay consistent with itself - did the alien come to Earth in response to the transmitted beam? She says something about it threatening her planet, so why does she need him to send it again? Wouldn't that harm her planet more, or something? And she talks about things as if they've happened in the past, so is she a time-traveler, or is she just confused? I know I sure was...

Aykroyd's character ends up learning that there IS intelligent life (OK, let's just say "life") on other planets, and Basinger's character ends up learning about Earth concepts like eating food, getting married and having sex (not necessarily in that order...) And again we find out that an "advanced" civilization can be endlessly fascinated by our base Earth culture. Here it's Jimmy Durante - I don't know one person who likes Jimmy Durante movies, so clearly this was based on what stock footage they could afford - but it could just as easily have been Reese's Pieces, or sour milk, or Elvis records...

It's another movie that feels like it was made by people who had never, ever even SEEN a movie before, or who have any idea how to put one together. Hey, maybe it was MADE by aliens!

Also starring Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, Seth Green (in a cameo as perhaps the only believable character, a smarmy teen) and Harry Shearer (as the voice of Carl Sagan!)

RATING: 2 out of 10 VHS porno tapes (awarded solely to Ms. Basinger's hotness, the rest of the movie is for crap...)

Cocoon: The Return

Year 2, Day 110 - 4/20/10 - Movie 475

BEFORE: So what DID happen to those senior citizens who got sucked into space?

THE PLOT: The old age pensioners that left at the end of the first film come back to earth to visit their relatives...

AFTER: The oldsters come back from space, but without the benefit of director Ron Howard, or Brian Dennehey's alien operations manager (except for in a brief cameo at the end) - that should be a couple of big warning signs that this sequel was pretty darn unnecessary. I mean, why unravel the ending of the first film, just to stretch out the drama of getting older? If the alien planet was such a fantastic paradise, where no one ever gets sick or dies, why come back and jeopardize all that? For all they know, they're all going to drop dead as soon as they set foot back on Earth...

Hmmm, live forever, or see the grandchildren one more time? Sorry, kid, it was nice knowing ya....what's that? They actually WANT to come back to Earth, grow old, get sick and die? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense...

Meanwhile, Steve Guttenberg's still a two-bit boat captain and tour guide - even though he should have been brought up on mass-murder charges after a boatload of his elderly passengers was (officially) lost at sea...or at least 30 charges of criminal neglect - so really, five years later, he should still be in jail, serving consecutive terms.

Without Dennehy to interact with the hu-mans, the responsibility falls on Tahnee Welch, who's got an odd accent and can't deliver a line of dialogue with any believability at all. The accent may enhance her role as an alien, but the second part, not so much. There's a reason why you haven't seen her in any film since, well, this one.

This time, the aliens have come back to rescue their lost cocooned comrades, after failing to do so in the first film - funny how they could transport 30 senior citizens to their home planet, but not 10 small pods... Plus, if they always need humans to help them with the heavy lifting, just how advanced a civilization are they, anyway?

When one of the pods gets found by an oceanographic institute, they need to hatch a plan to rescue the alien before it dies. But they have 4 days to plan a last-minute rescue - that's 3 1/2 days of planning, and one frantic evening of rescue. There's no back-up plan in case something goes wrong, so either these aliens are very poor planners, or just have a flair for the dramatic. But since the alien is in failing health, wouldn't it make more sense to rescue him AS SOON AS POSSIBLE?

In the end, all of the old folks need to make decisions about whether to stay on Earth or go back into space - weighing all the factors like their health, families, jobs, etc. etc. - life goes on, I guess...um, until it doesn't.

Also starring Don Ameche, Wilford Brimley, Hume Cronyn, Jessica Tandy, Maureen Stapleton, Jack Gilford (all reprising their roles from the first film) - plus Courteney Cox and Elaine Stritch.

RATING: 3 out of 10 cheap souvenirs

Cocoon

Year 2, Day 109 - 4/19/10 - Movie 474

BEFORE: Of course, the problem with watching my movies in a particular order is that occasionally, I think of a better order or a different way to organize them, but just a bit too late. I wish that after "Futureworld" I had watched "Capricorn One", then "The Right Stuff", then "Moon" as a lead-in to "The Day The Earth Stood Still". Oh well, what's done is done - I'm into the alien chain now, so I'll keep going, and I'll have to swing back and pick up astronaut films later on.

THE PLOT: When a group of trespassing seniors swim in a pool containing alien cocoons, they find themselves energized with youthful vigour.

AFTER: It's another case where I've read and heard so much about a movie over the years, it's almost an afterthought to actually watch the film. But I need to watch, in case there are subtle plot points that I would never know about otherwise.

The movie focuses on a trio of elderly-Americans (Don Ameche, Wilford Brimley, Hume Cronyn) and their spouses, who get a second chance at feeling youthful after dunking in a pool full of alien health juice. Just as you sometimes see an older film and wonder why characters don't just call each other on cel phones - you have to remind yourself that this movie was filmed before the invention of Viagra...

Steve Guttenberg plays a boat captain who's hired by the aliens to locate the titular cocoons on the ocean floor. You kind of have to admire a character who, when he discovers he's working for space aliens, doesn't ask "Are they going to enslave humanity?" or "What does this mean for Earth's role in the universe?" but instead wonders about the aliens' credit rating, and if he's going to get stiffed on the boat rental.

Guttenberg's character has the hots for one of the aliens, played by Raquel Welch's daughter - but after experiencing what passes for intimacy on another world, finally decides that they're from two different worlds (duh!).

I guess this is somewhat endearing if you have elderly relatives, or have spent a lot of time around usually depressing nursing homes - but it means you have to endure watching grandparents feeling frisky and making out. Relief finally comes when the seniors are given the chance to leave earth and spend their twilight years whizzing to other planets - presumably the aliens would use their technology to keep them alive for a long period of time, during which the senior citizens would bore them with stories of the Prohibition Era, show them pictures of their grandchildren, and complain about the hard mattresses on the flying saucer...and how you can't get a good brisket sandwich in outer space.

Obviously, this is meant as a feel-good film, confident in its belief in the inherent good-ness of the aliens. But jeez, what if it were all a dodge? I mean, would evil aliens necessarily ACT like evil aliens, or tell you what their intentions are? What if they were evil aliens who just ACTED good? Maybe senior citizen is a delicacy where they come from - puts a whole different spin on it, doesn't it?

Also starring Brian Dennehy, Maureen Stapleton, Jessica Tandy, Gwen Verdon and Jack Gilford

RATING: 5 out of 10 bingo cards

Signs

Year 2, Day 108 - 4/18/10 - Movie #473

BEFORE: Wrapping up some loose ends tonight - I think this is the last film from M. Night Shyamalan's filmography that I need to watch. Plus I've heard so much about this film already that I basically know the plot, and the twist - which is fine, but I'm not treating that as an acceptable substitute for actually watching the film itself.

THE PLOT: A family living on a farm finds mysterious crop circles in their fields which suggests something more frightening to come.

AFTER: I understand the film in principle - we're supposed to take the small story of one family's encounter with the aliens, and extrapolate that to the larger story of the aliens invading multiple cities around the world. The problem is, it mostly violates the rule of "show, don't tell". We are told, via radio and TV news, that the aliens are invading countries in Europe and Asia as well as major U.S. cities - but we don't get to SEE very much of it.

Nor do we get to see very much of the aliens on the Pennsylvania farm, either - which creates a great deal of suspense, and also has the added bonus of keeping the special effects budget down. You might see a leg here or a couple of fingers there - which creates the feeling that the aliens might be hiding just out of shot - or would have been seen if the characters had turned their heads just a bit earlier...

Mel Gibson plays Graham Hess, an ex-reverend who seems to have lost his faith in a higher power after the death of his wife. He's raising his son and daughter with the help of his brother, Merril (Joaquin Phoenix) and together they discover crop circles in their fields, and then have to decide how to react once the alien invasion starts.

As Hess's son points out, there are two basic reasons for aliens to come to Earth - the first would be for exploration or contact, to foster better relations between planets and welcome the humans into the global community. The second reason, well it's not so pretty - it means that another species ran out of resources on their planet, and they've come to Earth to harvest it, enslave humanity, or both.

In the famous H.G. Wells novel "The War of the Worlds", invading aliens were defeated by a simple, unseen Earth bacteria - there's something like that in this movie, which I won't reveal in case anyone (besides me) hasn't seen the film, but it does present something of a plothole to me. If humans were to travel to another planet, we'd probably avoid places that had atmospheres of sulfuric acid or methane - even if we needed some resource there, the risk would outweight the benefit. I'm just sayin'.

Also starring Abigail Breslin, Rory Culkin, and my buddy Michael Showalter in a cameo (as the chatty guy in the Army recruiting office)

RATING: 6 out of 10 flashlights