Lassiter

Year 14, Day 341 - 12/7/22 - Movie #4,294

BEFORE: I'm watching this on late Tuesday/early Wednesday, but I may be a bit late in posting because Wednesday night I have to work at a screening of "Pinocchio" - not the new Disney remake, but the newer Guillermo del Toro stop-motion one. The director's going to be there - actually, both of them, and the co-director I know from one of my past jobs.  Should be a wild evening, and the theater's probably going to be packed. I'll post this as soon as I can, after. 

Jane Seymour carries over from "The War with Grandpa", which was released in 2020 (but filmed in 2017).  Today's film was released in 1984, which means I'm jumping back 36 years in Ms. Seymour's career - I love actors with LONG filmographies, it really makes this a lot easier for me. 

The reason this is on the list is that it was on the HBO Max platform, but just for a brief time.  So I added it to my list there, but then I wasn't able to link to it from "Quigley Down Under", which I watched last year - was it last year?  I want to say last year.  Anyway, this one made it to my list, then got stranded there after I couldn't link to it - and it's not even on HBO Max any more, which means I have to rent it from iTunes for $3.99.  But I'm OK with that, because this film is going to get me closer to Christmas, and hey, now it's off the list - it's very rare that I have to delete something from my list because it's not available anywhere, but I did have to do that with one of my planned Christmas movies this year.  More on that in a couple of weeks. 

THE PLOT: A handsome jewel thief is arrested and in order to avoid prison, must break into the heavily guarded German Embassy to steal millions in diamonds. 

AFTER: Well, I knew there was a reason why I don't dip back into movies from the 1980's very often, it's just too depressing.  Bob Hoskins (who'll be in my next movie, too) died back in 2014, and everybody agreed it was too soon.  Warren Clarke died the same year, and so did Christopher Malcolm, and Ed Lauter the year before - when I go through the IMDB list, it seems like half the cast of this movie is no longer alive.  Tom Selleck is still alive, I know because there are new episodes of "Blue Bloods" airing, but while searching the internet it's easy to find his fake obituary being used as clickbait - sure, you can follow the link to "Dead Celebrities-dot-net", but they phrased the article VERY carefully to not really indicate whether he's alive or dead.  I guess so when he does pass away, they won't have to re-write it?  That's kind of sick, but also genius.  

The other reason is that everyone else is getting older - Jane Seymour and Lauren Hutton have both reached the age where the IMDB graciously doesn't even LIST their birth years, and you have to go to Wikipedia to find out how old they are. (Jane's 71 and Lauren's 79.). We just lost Kirstie Alley at the age of 71, and honestly it kind of feels like every famous woman I had the hots for when I was in my teens is over 60 now.  Brooke Shields is 57, Lynda Carter is 71, Loni Anderson is 77, and it just gets worse from there. Phoebe Cates is 59, do I have to go on?  It's too painful that everybody keeps getting older, but I guess that beats the alternative. 

But I avoided "Lassiter" for 38 years, somehow.  Hey, today's the day, no time like the present - or no time like 1939, when the film takes place.  This was released JUST as Tom Selleck had hit it big on TV as "Magnum, P.I.", but after "High Road to China".  The story is that Selleck was supposed to be cast as Indiana Jones in "Raiders of the Lost Ark", but he had to make a choice, it was either Magnum or Indy, and he chose Magnum, which left the role open for Harrison Ford. Selleck later played an Indy-like character in "High Road to China", then followed that up with another period piece, "Lassiter".  Back then it wasn't very easy for movie stars to do TV shows, or for TV stars to make movies, but Selleck crossed over like it wasn't even a problem. (Selleck is back on TV and he's 77 now, but nobody seems to care how old male actors are.) 

"Lassiter" is supposed to be a film about a jewel thief, but there are really only two scenes where he steals anything, one at the beginning and one near the end, and then the entire middle part of the film is him either trying to avoid doing the embassy heist, or talking about how to do the embassy heist - and it's a LONG middle part in a shortish movie.  During this long middle part he gets threatened a lot by the British inspector, cajoled by the U.S. FBI agent, and seduced by the German fraulein with a taste for torture and rough sexplay.  Oh, and he's married, by the way, and his wife keeps threatening to cheat on him, but she never goes through with it.  Lassiter, on the other hand, keeps saying he'll never cheat on his wife, but then of course he does.  He says she would know if he were lying because he'd tell her - yeah, right.

But if he doesn't steal the gems from the German embassy, then the Inspector's going to frame him for some made-up crime and he'll serve 20 years in prison.  Why does the inspector need to make up a crime, if he knows that Lassiter is a thief?  Why not just arrest him for his real crimes?  Ah, but they need to steal those Czech diamonds and keep Hitler from selling them in South America to fund the Nazi military buildup.  OK, sure, let me know how that works out.  

It's important above all to remember that there were NO GOOD Nazis. We don't talk about World War II and say, "There were good people on both sides."  Why do people like Donald Trump and now Kanye West think that they can advance themselves somehow by saying good things about neo-Fascists, or even Hitler?  Who, exactly, are they trying to appeal to?  Saying "I like Hitler" is only going to get you shut down, it's not going to appeal to anyone.  If you admire Hitler even a little bit, it's best to keep that to yourself - and I say this as someone of mostly German descent. If you're out there saying Hitler was great, you might have missed the message somewhere. 

Well, just six more films to go - and five more shifts at the theater - before Christmas break and the end of Movie Year 14.

Also starring Tom Selleck (last seen in "Frank Sinatra: One More for the Road"), Lauren Hutton (last seen in "I Feel Pretty"), Bob Hoskins (last seen in "Mermaids"), Joe Regalbuto (last seen in "The Goodbye Girl"), Ed Lauter (last seen in "Magic"), Warren Clarke, Edward Peel, Paul Antrim, Christopher Malcolm (last seen in "Reds"), Barrie Houghton, Peter Skellern, Harry Towb (last seen in "Barry Lyndon"), Belinda Mayne (last seen in "Wonder Woman 1984"), W. Morgan Sheppard (last seen in "Cry Freedom"), Brian Coburn, Jane Wood (last seen in "Legend"), Tristram Jellinek (last seen in "The Trouble with Spies"), David Warbeck, Nicholas Bond-Owen, Clive Curtis (last seen in "The Gunman"), George Lane Cooper. 

RATING: 4 out of 10 crazy boxing fans

The War with Grandpa

Year 14, Day 339 - 12/5/22 - Movie #4,293

BEFORE: I know, after seeing what I watched last week, you all probably really want to ask me, "Why the hell is THAT film on your list?"  It's a question I get asked a lot - or I would if I took questions from the audience.  This just looks like a silly, stupid family comedy, though, so why did it even make it to the list?  I'm always thinking about next year's holidays, and there's a little section of my list devoted to possible films for Father's Day.  In that small sub-section there's a film with Christopher Walken ("One More Time"), and two with Robert De Niro ("Being Flynn" and "City by the Sea").  I've got a few De Niro films on the list, but this film would have been the easiest way to link all those Father's Day films together.  I needed to separate this one from the herd, however, to help me link my Thanksgiving films and my Christmas films.  Not to worry, though, there's another film with Christopher Walken in it that links to "Being Flynn" via Dale Dickey.  So since I don't need THIS one THEN, I'm free to watch it now. 

But then why not just come straight here from "Friendsgiving", via Jane Seymour?  Ah, but then I would have arrived here too quickly, and I'd have two empty slots to fill. Sure, I could have filled them easily, but you know, all things in due time.  I'm right on schedule, don't worry. 

Rob Riggle carries over from "True Memoirs of an International Assassin". 

THE PLOT: Upset that he has to give up his bedroom when his grandfather moves in, Peter decides to declare war in an attempt to get it back. 

AFTER: OK, this one COULD have been a lot worse.  It's a movie meant for kids, which means there's a lot of "Home Alone"-style slapstick, physical comedy where De Niro falls down or De Niro gets splatted with ketchup or covered with foam, or worse, he loses his pants (it happens at least twice, and both times the "humor" derives from his character's son-in-law being unlucky enough to view his genitals. Har har.). 

If you can get past all that, which was tough for me but I think I survived, there's the makings of a semi-heartwarming story here, where the kid first views his grandfather as the enemy, the old guy who took over his bedroom, the reason he had to relocate to the attic, and eventually through their conflict they realize they're evenly matched, and even form something akin to a friendship as a result of their pranks on each other.  I think that's a good thing?  Not sure. Then at the VERY end of the film they're back to being adversaries - talk about dropping the ball on the 1-yard line.  

Look, it's great that De Niro is still working - but part of me can't believe he's playing grandfather roles now, instead of aging gangsters.  I mean, sure, the calendar says he's 79 years old (he was 77 when this was released) but part of me still wants to remember him from "Taxi Driver" or "Raging Bull" or "The King of Comedy" or "Midnight Run", and this is the SECOND film he's been in with "Grandpa" in the title, so I should be used to it by now.  And here his character is the father of Uma Thurman's character - didn't they play love interests in "Mad Dog and Glory"?  Just saying. 

It's a bit sad to see him playing a widower, someone who's lived longer than their spouse, and long enough to have his driver's license taken away, forcing him to move in with his daughter and her family.  And there's no time to build a room on to the house, or find him a senior-friendly apartment nearby, or a nursing home, so he's got to take over his grandson's bedroom.  Peter, the grandson, holds his grandfather fully responsible for him having to move to the attic, which for some reason his parents couldn't afford to have carpeted or painted or insulated in any way.  I can see why the kid is pissed, but it's not his grandfather's fault.  It's not like they could SHARE a room.  Wait, why couldn't they share a room?

This turns into a battle between two stubborn individuals, and it's clever youth vs. wise army veteran.  One has combat training, but the other has experience surviving middle school - OK, we'll call that a wash. The kid has experience with electronics, but the grandfather has experience with tools. Another draw, as the grandson changes the ring tone on his grandfather's cell phone, but the grandfather dismantles all of his grandson's furniture with a power drill. There's a dodgeball showdown/throwdown where they can each bring three friends, but even that proves to be a stalemate - the kids are more agile but the seniors are craftier.  But if you told me that someday I'd watch Cheech Marin, Jane Seymour and Christopher Walken bouncing around in a trampoline park, I'd say that would be very strange - maybe some night after eating too many tacos I might dream that? 

There's some kind of a narrative problem here, I want to say it feels like there are too many loose ends that never get connected?  This "war" features some ground rules that get summarily ignored, for example - one rule is "no collateral damage", meaning that they both promise that the war won't hurt the other family members.  But that's what ends up happening, Peter puts a snake in his grandfather's room, for example, and it ends up in his mother's car the next morning.  Depending on the type of snake (I'm not an expert) that could have been very harmful to his mother, thus it's a clear violation of the rules of war, but there are no consequences from this.  

Another disconnect is the way Grandpa shows up to school to handle Peter's bully from the 8th grade. Once again, a Hollywood film shows that it doesn't know how to properly handle the issue of bullies - having a bigger bully show up to bully the bully is not an acceptable solution to the problem.  That's the wrong message to send out to the kids, also, it took place during the war - why would Grandpa want to beat up Peter's bully, when Grandpa was in the middle of his own war with Peter?  It's as if he's saying, "Nobody gets to beat up my grandson, except for me!" which is another bizarre message to put out there in a movie.  Anyway, adults shouldn't be showing up at a middle school to throw bullies into dumpsters.

The grandfather and grandson call a "truce" during Peter's younger sister's birthday party, which for some reason is Christmas-themed.  Sure, kids like Christmas, I get it, but nobody, repeat nobody, throws their kid a Christmas party for their birthday.  For one thing, Christmas decorations aren't usually readily available until after Halloween, but OK, let's assume that the parents went to some year-round Christmas store or found them all on eBay or something.  Still, why would anybody DO this?  It feels more like some screenwriter couldn't decide whether to have the big film climax at a birthday party or a Christmas party and said, "Well, why not do BOTH?"  Because that doesn't happen in real life, that's why.

Still, I'm forced to allow that narrative hiccup today, because it's December for me and it kind of justifies me including the film here and now.  See, the chain knows, the universe knows.  It's still a silly, stupid movie but I'm feeling generous since it's the Christmas season.

Also starring Robert De Niro (last seen in "Mr. Saturday Night"), Uma Thurman (last seen in "Motherhood"), Oakes Fegley (last seen in "The Goldfinch"), Laura Marano (last seen in "Lady Bird"), Cheech Marin (last seen in "George Carlin's American Dream"), Jane Seymour (last seen in "Friendsgiving"), Christopher Walken (last seen in "Romance & Cigarettes"), Juliocesar Chavez, Isaac Kragten, T.J. McGibbon (last seen in "X-Men: Apocalypse"), Poppy Gagnon, Lydia Styslinger, Joe Gelchion (last seen in "Escape Plan 2: Hades"), Colin Ford (last seen in "Captain Marvel"), Faizon Love (last seen in "The Paperboy"), Rutanya Alda (last seen in "Too Big to Fail"), Drew Scheid, Veronica Alicino, James Martin Kelly, Joanie Stewart

RATING: 5 out of 10 self-checkout stations