Twister

Year 2, Day 93 - 4/3/10 - Movie #458

BEFORE: From a hurricane to tornadoes - makes sense, right?

THE PLOT: A couple on the point of divorce keep meeting each other because both are researchers who chase tornadoes.

AFTER: Another exciting, overly stressful disaster movie -

A tornado chaser (Bill Paxton) tracks down his soon-to-be ex-wife (Helen Hunt), who has carried on with their reseach in his absence - is the tornado a metaphor for their stormy relationship? Or is a tornado sometimes just a tornado?

They've got this recording device with all these little sensor balls that are supposed to fly up into the tornado and collect data - but there's a problem with the plan, which is to get close to a twister, drop off the equipment and get away safely. It seems that if they get close enough to ensure that the device is in the tornado's path, then there's not enough time to get away safely. And if they leave before the tornado hits, then they're not able to properly set up the device. Anyway, the thing is poorly designed if it has to be unloaded from a pick-up truck by hand, right in the tornado's path.

Seems to me they should have put the device on a trailer, driven it into place behind a truck, and then they could just detach the trailer hitch, and drive away...but who listens to me?

I also felt there were a few too many characters on the research team - we never get to learn anything about them, beyond their colorful nicknames, and the fact that they're all somewhat eccentric - but did there need to be 15 of them, if we're not going to divulge any of their backstories, or each person's purpose on the team?

What has struck me this week is the HUGE difference in the quality of special effects between a film like "The Poseidon Adventure" and something made 2 decades later, like "Twister" or "The Perfect Storm". There's just no comparison, the later films are exponentially better, and that's encouraging. It gives me hope for the future of filmmaking, and makes me look forward to recent films like "2012".

Also starring Cary Elwes, Jami Gertz, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Alan Ruck, Jeremy Davies, and Joey Slotnick (jeez, is anyone NOT in this film?)

RATING: 7 out of 10 tractors

The Perfect Storm

Year 2, Day 92 - 4/2/10 - Movie #457

BEFORE: Wrapping up movies about boats or the sea - I've been meaning to watch this one for quite a while. Unfortunately, I know how it ends - but it's a link to some other disaster films that haven't been spoiled for me yet.

THE PLOT: In the Fall of 1991, the "Andrea Gail" left Gloucester, Mass. and headed for the fishing grounds of the North Atlantic. Two weeks later, an event took place that had never occurred in recorded history.

AFTER: Well, George Clooney's now been well represented in my movie choices, since I watched all 3 "Ocean's" movies, and "Burn After Reading", "Leatherheads", "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind", and "Three Kings".

I'd say this is a good movie to watch when you've had a tough day at work - not that I know anything about that - you can come home and take comfort in the fact that you're job is not as difficult as being a Gloucester fisherman (unless, of course, you work on a fishing boat in the Gloucester area...)

The story is about the convergence of three storms (stahms...) and also the convergent stories of a fishing boat, a small sailboat, and a rescue helicopter in the middle of it all. The fishing boat, the Andrea Gail, is full of manly men doing manly things while interacting with each other in manly man-ways.

What women don't usually understand about men is how they can hate each other - but still work together, after punching it out or saving each other's lives or something. Women hold grudges - men just slug it out or hug it out.

A word about accents - (and I know I'll be talking with a Boston accent tomorrow) - the movie gets them mostly right, with people saying "GLAW-ster", "SAHD-fish" and "PAH-kin lawt" - Mark Wahlberg of course is a natural, and Diane Lane does admirably, but Clooney seems to be above it all.

And there's a little too much exposition at the beginning ("I'm a fisherman, fishing's what I do. I catch fish.") and not enough at the end, when I would have loved to know a little bit about the science of steering around (through?) 30-foot swells.

But all in all it's an extremely exciting tale, though more than a bit stressful, and it'll make you appreciate the men who go out and put their lives on the line so that other people can have food on their table...

Also starring John C. Reilly, William Fichtner, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Karen Allen, and Christopher McDonald as the local TV weatherman.

RATING: 7 out of 10 fishhooks

The Poseidon Adventure

Year 2, Day 91 - 4/1/10 - Movie #456

BEFORE: After all that stress with the sharks, this is just what I need - a film about a nice, relaxing cruise... I kid! April fool! Actually, the Brody family was seen celebrating Christmas and New Year's in last night's film, and tonight's disaster film ties in nicely, with a boat that overturns just after midnight on New Year's Eve.

I have seen bits of this film before, and read the parody in MAD magazine, but I don't think I've watched the film the entire way through...

THE PLOT: A group of passengers struggle to survive and escape, when their ocean liner completely capsizes at sea.

AFTER: Full disclosure - I've been on 2 Caribbean cruises thanks to the fine folks at Holland America - neither as dramatic as this one. One for our honeymoon, and another for our 5th Anniversary. On the second one, we did celebrate Thanksgiving on board, and I gained an entirely new perspective on the holiday - I learned that it does not have to involve football, a drive upstate, or dealing with my looney aunt. Who knew? I now have to say that you haven't truly experienced the American holiday of Thanksgiving until you've had it on a Dutch boat staffed by Canadians, eating a meal served by Filipinos...

And if you've been on a cruise, or any another boat for a long period of time, you get very accustomed to the rocking of the boat. After watching this movie, I felt the same way as if I'd spent a week at sea, and I had to get accustomed once again to sitting down on dry land and not feeling that phantom rocking motion.

I know, I've mentioned that I don't swim, and there's that agreement I have with the sharks to stay out of their territory. Well, I was talked into the first cruise, and both of them turned out to contain enormous amounts of fun and luxury. So I figured that was worth putting myself at risk to enjoy some quality vacation time. And I arrived back both times without falling off the boat or becoming fish food, so I win.

Though there was a lot of motion in the ocean on our second trip - but nothing compared to the wave that overturns the Poseidon. With the tsunamis and earthquakes in the news in recent years, I see this film just becoming more and more of a relevant piece of classic cinema.

It was weird to see Leslie Nielsen playing it completely straight as the ship's captain - I guess this was filmed a few years before "Airplane" turned him into a deadpan comic genius.

Taken on one level, it's the story of 10 cruise-ship passengers who band together and travel up into the lower part of the upside-down ship in hope of rescue. But I can't help feeling like this is an attempt at a metaphor for something greater. The sermon given by Reverend Scott (Gene Hackman) at the start of the film is on the topic of BEING a greater power, as opposed to relying on a greater power - praying to God, but suggesting that God would prefer that people believe in themselves, and help themselves and each other. Are we supposed to take the journey through the ship as a metaphor for the difficulties of life? Is the implication that we can only ascend to a higher plane if we are willing to struggle and improve our own situations?

Usually, I stop listening whenever someone starts to tell me what God wants, but I liked Rev. Scott's spin on things, it was very subversive, and I support that. For a Reverend, he sure seems to know a lot about practical things like breaking open hatches and making his way down corridors which are on fire - I would have liked a little more back-story - was he once a chaplain in the navy, or something?

The group of survivors is your basic Hollywood ragtag crew - the older Jewish couple (Jack Albertson + Shelley Winters), the older confirmed bachelor (Red Buttons), the NY cop (Ernest Borgnine) and his ex-prostitute wife (Stella Stevens), the hip mod singer (Carol Lynley) and the kids (Pamela Sue Martin, Eric Shea). Oh, and the British cruise-ship waiter (Roddy McDowall) - and of course there are conflicts between the different characters, and some bonding relationships, and...well I don't want to spoil all the details if you haven't seen it.

But if I were a casting director in the 1970's, I would have reunited them all on an episode of "Love Boat" just for the fun of it...

It's a true classic - probably deserving of a 7 but I feel I have to deduct for the low-rent special effects, some of which haven't held up over the decades.

RATING: 6 out of 10 party hats

Jaws: The Revenge

Year 2, Day 90 - 3/31/10 - Movie #455

BEFORE: Might as well finish off the franchise - but who's getting revenge, the shark? And just how far did this franchise go off the rails - was Spielberg right to abandon it after the first film?

THE PLOT: The long suffering wife of Chief Brody decides she's had enough of Amity and heads off to the Caribbean to join her son, daughter-in-law and grandchild. However, the shark with an attitude just won't leave her alone...

AFTER: Someone forgot to sign Dennis Quaid to a 2-picture deal! All of the Brody roles are re-cast again, except Lorraine Gary returns as Ellen Brody, who's convinced that a great white shark is targeting her family, even tracking her down in the Bahamas...

And Michael Caine is brought in as comic relief, and a potential love interest for the widow Brody. Ellen seems to have vivid memories of shark attacks that look exactly like clips from "Jaws" and "Jaws 2", even though her character wasn't even present during those scenes. She shares this ability with the new shark - who seems to want to eat anyone with the last name Brody, even though it couldn't possibly be the same sharks destroyed in the previous films.

Very little of this movie makes sense - Sean Brody was afraid of the water, but early in the film we see him back in Amity, and taking a boat out to clear driftwood from a buoy. Mike Brody's girlfriend in "Jaws 3" was a dolphin expert named Kathryn, but now he's married to a sculptor named Carla - what happened to Kathryn? I guess in the 4 years between the films he ditched Kathryn, married Carla and somehow they produced a 5-year old daughter...

Let's not even get into the presence of Mario Van Peebles with a horrible Jamaican accent...

You know, I couldn't even tell what killed the shark at the end. The editing was so bad, it seemed like Ellen Brody blew up the shark with her psychic powers, while staring at it. Or somehow Martin Brody shot the shark from her impossible flashback...

Stick a harpoon in this franchise, it's dead in the water...

RATING: 3 out of 10 conch shells

Jaws 3-D

Year 2, Day 89 - 3/30/10 - Movie #454

BEFORE: Eating healthy pretty much sucks - and the people who run my usual breakfast and lunch haunts, who usually provide me with such delights as smothered chicken with mac + cheese, and grilled pastrami on a hero with bacon and swiss, are probably wondering what happened to me...maybe they think I'm on vacation. Do you know how long it took for me to train the staff of a NYC diner to order up a egg, sausage and cheese on a roll as soon as they see me walk in? Another week and they'll probably think I died or moved away...

Tonight I had a couple of tuna fish sandwiches (minimal mayo) to put me in the mood for watching Jaws 3 (too bad I'm not still watching prison movies...) But hey, this is a movie blog, not a diet blog. Still, replacing Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw with Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong and Louis Gossett Jr. is probably akin to replacing my regular Tuesday meat 'n potatoes dinner with tuna fish...

THE PLOT: The sons of police chief Brody must protect civilians at a Sea World theme park after a gigantic 35-foot shark becomes trapped in the park.

AFTER: The action moves to Sea World in Florida, which is justified by re-casting Dennis Quaid in the role of Mike Brody, son of Martin. He sure grew up fast, he's building underwater theme parks, living with a steady girlfriend/co-worker, and even his younger brother comes to visit, to remind us that he also survived "Jaws 2". It's an ideal life until a great white shark shows up at the park, and they have to decide whether to kill it, or make it part of the exhibits.

I'm glad they moved the venue out of Amity - after watching all those spoiled New England kids on their sailboats, I was almost rooting for the shark. But the recent tragedy at the real Sea World, the death of a trainer caused by a killer whale, makes this movie all too prescient.

I could use this space to talk about the recent upswing in 3-D movies - I'm sure the technology's come a long way since 1983, but I haven't seen any of the new films in the theater, except for "Coraline". So I'm really not an expert - anyway, I'm watching a film that was meant to be seen in 3-D, but as it aired on cable, without any of the 3-D effects! So the expressionless mechanical shark which looked so fake in "Jaws 2" looks even faker here, without the benefit of the 3-D illusion.

A recent commercial for Samsung 3-D televisions (coming soon?) shows a family watching all kinds of fish swim out of their TV and into their living room. I wonder if this film will enjoy a revival once 3-D technology makes it to America's homes...

Quibble: I know I've never witnessed a great white up close - but do they really make the same sound as a lion's roar when they open their mouths?

Also starring Lea Thompson in her first movie role, as a Sea World water-skier, who always seems to be in either a bikini or her underwear. Good gig...

Hmmm...what should I watch tomorrow night?

RATING: 4 out of 10 harpoons (comin' right at you!)

Jaws 2

Year 2, Day 88 - 3/29/10 - Movie #453

BEFORE: I'm glad there was at least 1 shark in last night's film, which makes this transition a little easier. For the record, I don't swim, so I'm not bothered too much by shark attack footage. The sharks and I have an understanding - I don't go into their ocean, and they stay out of my house. So far, the arrangement is working out pretty well.

THE PLOT: Police chief Brody must protect the citizens of Amity after a second monstrous shark begins terrorizing the waters.

AFTER: I may not have to worry about shark attacks, but I've got other threats to my health. In addition to the kidney stones I seem to have inherited from my father, I now have my mother's poor leg circulation to deal with. I did manage to pack on a few pounds this winter, and that doesn't help either condition - I was like a Great White shark myself, gobbling up everything in my path (including a competition-sized sandwich) and as a result, my left leg has become swollen and prone to infection. I had fever and chills last Friday night, and got on some antibiotics Saturday afternoon. My calf still looks like I was the victim of a shark attack myself...and I've put myself in food jail, confining myself to healthier choices until I can get my weight under control.

Anyway, about the film - since it takes place a couple years after "Jaws", I presume it's about how an idyllic seaside community pulls together after a tragedy, and learns to enjoy summer maritime activities again... What? Another shark? Damn, what are the odds?

Roy Scheider, one of my fave actors, carries over from the original film, as Police chief Martin Brody - who has become something of a Captain Ahab, so obsessed with his acquatic adversary that everything looks like a shark attack to him. But just because he's paranoid doesn't mean that he isn't also right - the first attacks are remote, but soon the shark is seen up-close and targets tasty water-skiers and a group of sailing kids that happens to include Brody's 2 sons.

Quibbles: How many spoiled teenagers would a Great White eat before it got full? Those kids are pretty rich, so I'd wager it would only be able to stomach 2 or 3 before calling it a day...

RATING: 5 out of 10 bite-marks

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Year 2, Day 87 - 3/29/10 - Movie #452

BEFORE: Continuing with the theme of nautical adventures, this is the 1954 Disney-made live-action version of the Jules Verne classic.

THE PLOT: A ship sent to investigate a wave of mysterious sinkings encounters the advanced submarine, the Nautilus, commanded by Captain Nemo.

AFTER: We now take things like scuba gear and submarines for granted, but someone had to invent them. And before that, someone like Jules Verne had to think of them - such things didn't exist when Verne published this in 1869, but of course they did in 1954 when Disney Studios made this film - so they got the benefit of hindsight, keeping the story set in 1868, but updating the Nautilus to atomic power instead of electric.

This was mostly faithful to the plot of the original novel - though they gave Captain Nemo something of a more direct reason to gain revenge on war-mongering profiteer ships, and not just a general hatred for civilization. It's tough to determine if Nemo is a madman, genius, dictator, outlaw, or all of the above.

Three survivors from a ship destroyed by Nemo are taken aboard the Nautilus - Prof. Arronax from the Paris Museum, his assistant Conseil, and a professional harpoonist, Ned Land (Kirk Douglas). Through their eyes we get to see the enigma that is Capt. Nemo (James Mason) as he travels through international waters, setting his own rules along the way.

The Disney corporation used to make a lot of nature documentaries in the 1950's, I wonder if some of this underwater footage was used twice to cut costs. There are a few technical mistakes here - even I know that a giant squid wouldn't move through the water tentacles first - and that shark that attacks the crew at one point was clearly a nurse shark, which is relatively harmless to divers.

But you don't want to miss seeing Kirk Douglas singing a song called "A Whale of a Tale", which might be the highlight of the film. And later he gets drunk and pals around with the captain's pet female seal, who probably looks somewhat attractive after many months at sea...

Also starring Peter Lorre, who just also happened to star in "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea", which was a terrible, terrible film.

RATING: 5 out of 10 diving helmets