Color Me Kubrick

Year 3, Day 64 - 3/5/11 - Movie #794

BEFORE: As promised, more Kubrick references - I suppose I really should add "Spartacus" and "Paths of Glory" to the want list, I've seen most every other Kubrick film. Linking from last night, Peter Sellers was in "Casino Royale" with Woody Allen, who was in "Hannah and Her Sisters" with Michael Caine, who was in "The Dark Knight" with Christian Bale, who was in "Empire of the Sun" with John Malkovich (last seen in "Ripley's Game").

THE PLOT: The true story of a man who posed as director Stanley Kubrick during the production of Kubrick's last film, "Eyes Wide Shut", despite knowing very little about his work and looking nothing like him.

AFTER: Well, I'm sort of lumping in "con men" with cases of mistaken identity here, but I think they've got something in common. The main difference between Chance in "Being There" and Allan Conway is that Chance wasn't aware of what he was doing.

Last night's film used the theme from "2001" to set a mood, and tonight's film continues that trend (using the original, non-disco version, though), along with other audio cues from Kubrick films, like "The Blue Danube" (also used in "2001"), "The Thieving Magpie" (used in "A Clockwork Orange"), and so on. I know the soundtrack to "A Clockwork Orange" very well after wearing out a cassette of it during my moody college days.

Con-man Alan Conway chose to impersonate Kubrick because so few people knew what he looked like, the famous director was a bit of a recluse, and reportedly eccentric. He managed to play on Kubrick's fame to get drinks, meals and apparently a lot of sex (the gay kind). Who wouldn't want to get to know a famous, influential film director, especially if he's telling a lot of Hollywood stories, and making a lot of vague promises about getting people into his movies (right after getting them into the sack).

As Conway, Malkovich never uses the same cover story, or the same accent, twice - and all of his victims are either charmed by him, or afraid to report him to the police due to the explicit nature of their relationship. The best moments here are are when Conway is unloading a stream of B.S., talking vaguely about future films, like making a sequel called "3001", with John Malkovich as an astronaut. (I wonder, did the filmmakers know that Arthur C. Clarke actually DID write a sequel to "2001" with that title?)

I found the film clever in bits, and very believable, since people will often do anything for fame, without realizing that the famous director never seems to ever pay for drinks or pick up a check - it's very easy to rationalize, and say "Famous people never carry cash" - but don't they carry credit cards? I just wish that all of the incidents shown here added up to some larger point or moral. I also wish the film had chosen one pronounciation of "Kubrick" (some people say Cube-rick, some say Koo-brick) and stuck with it.

Also starring Richard E. Grant, Lee Davidson, and a cameo from William Hootkins (Porkins from "Star Wars: A New Hope") as NY Times critic Frank Rich.

RATING: 4 out of 10 heavy-metal bands

Being There

Year 3, Day 63 - 3/4/11 - Movie #793

BEFORE: Nope, it's not Peter Sellers' birthday (good guess, though...). Sellers carries over from "Lolita" and provides a link to my next chain, films centered around a mistaken identity theme.

THE PLOT: Chance, a simple gardener, has never left the estate until his employer dies. His simple TV-informed utterances are mistaken for profundity.

AFTER: I accidentally kept the Kubrick connection alive, since this film features Deodato's disco-based cover of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" (aka the theme to "2001: A Space Odyssey"). More Kubrick references tomorrow.

This is the story of a simple-minded man, a character in the same vein as "Rain Man" or Forrest Gump. He knows how to tend a garden, and that's about it - can't read, write, or feed himself. When he's tossed out into the world, he lucks into a situation very similar to the one he's used to - a Washington D.C. mansion with an old, dying patriarch and a staff that will attend to his needs.

The difference is that in the new mansion, the new patriarch is some kind of economic adviser to the President, so his simple thoughts on gardening are taken as folksy metaphors for a struggling U.S. economy - so before long the president himself is using his quotes to give a speech about how economic "spring" follows economic "winter". And apparently that's all the U.S. people need to hear to start buying again and give the economy the boost it needs.

Hmmm, a simple man who can barely tie his shoes, giving humble speeches with folksy metaphors, and failing upwards - it's the George W. Bush story! That might explain why he was always clearing brush at his ranch...

There's some clever interplay here, as Chance's words are constantly being taken out of context, and misunderstood - and for a mostly blank slate (not a true blank slate, that would be impossible on screen) he does have some simple charm. And there's also some interesting interplay between what's going on on the television and in the real world at any given moment, which takes some doing.

Some people seem to have taken a rather Biblical interpretation of the movie, since the character is cast out of a garden, has feelings for a woman named Eve, and speaks in metaphors, which Jesus was known to do. Then we've got the final scene... I don't know about all that, but it raises the question - what if Jesus came back to Earth, and mentally wasn't all there? That could be a whole other movie...

Also starring Shirley Maclaine (last seen in "Valentine's Day"), Jack Warden (last seen in "12 Angry Men"), Richard Dysart (last seen in "The Falcon and the Snowman"), David Clennon (last seen in "Falling in Love").

RATING: 6 out of 10 limousines

Lolita

Year 3, Day 62 - 3/3/11 - Movie #792

BEFORE: From centerfolds and college-age sorority sisters, I move to a story of a younger girl. I feel like I really should know more about this Stanley Kubrick film, or the novel it's based on, and not just its mention in that Police song.

Linking from last night's film is tricky, but not impossible - Beverly D'Angelo was also in "Christmas Vacation" with Juliette Lewis, who was in "Husbands and Wives" with Woody Allen, who was in "What's New, Pussycat?" with Peter Sellers.

THE PLOT: A middle-aged college professor becomes infatuated with a 14-year-old nymphet.

AFTER: This was scandalous subject matter back in 1962, and it still is (and should be). How Kubrick got away with making a film that's essentially about a man having sex with his stepdaughter is mind-boggling. In the original novel Lolita is 12, and notably her age is never given in the film.

There's a score by Nelson Riddle that sounds upbeat, almost cartoonish sometimes, which I guess was supposed to make the situation less creepy, but I don't think it helped very much. There's a lot of suggestive wordplay - like Lolita's summer camp is named "Camp Climax" - and visual puns as well (is that a stuffed beaver in the foreground? Inspiration for the gag in "The Naked Gun"?)

Kubrick moved the novel's ending to the beginning of the film - and I've just learned the proper name for this technique that usually drives me crazy, it's "in media res", Latin for "in the middle of things". But Kubrick used it well, showing just enough in the beginning to spark interest in the story that follows. Umm...I mean precedes.

James Mason (last seen in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea") plays Humbert Humbert, who develops an unnatural attraction to his step-daughter, and Peter Sellers plays a writer who seems to be living a depraved lifestyle of his own - like Humbert, he seems to have an interest in Lolita. But it also seems like he's got more of a Bohemian thing going on, something like a swinging single life in the art community.

This gives Sellers the opportunity to stalk the pair, using a number of accents and disguises to get closer to the young girl, which actually makes him the creepier of the two men. I find it hard to believe that a famous writer turned up in both the small town in New England that Humbert was visiting, AND the small town in Ohio where he was hired to teach. Seems like a little too much of a coincidence.

What's the take-away here? Don't sleep with your step-daughter? Kinda knew that one already... Don't fall for a 12-year old? Good advice, to be sure. It's a short leap from pedophilia to murder? Not sure about that one.

Also starring Shelley Winters (last seen in "Jury Duty"), Sue Lyon.

RATING: 6 out of 10 painted toenails

The House Bunny

Year 3, Day 61 - 3/2/11 - Movie #791

BEFORE: Back-to-back movies about Playboy bunnies - come on, what would I know about them - and Hugh Hefner carries over from his appearance in "Miss March".

THE PLOT: When Shelly, a Playboy bunny, is tossed out of the mansion, she has nowhere to go until she falls in with the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta.

AFTER: It's not really fair, because any movie I watch after last night's debacle is going to look like "Citizen Kane" by comparison. So, OK, this is the "Citizen Kane" of centerfold-themed comedies...

I get where they're going with this, the ex-bunny helps out the plain girls and misfits, but by applying the Tao of Playboy to them, is she truly helping them, or just improving their appearance? Today's lesson (apparently) is that nothing's more important than being a pretty girl, and once you are, everything else just sort of falls into place.

Mostly, that is - Shelly is given a love interest, and despite all her talk of "be who you are", she ignores her own advice and tries to be someone she's not to impress a man. And she learns that, like, learning is hard and stuff. Points for stressing the value of education (I guess), but that lesson also goes right out the window when she reverts back to "be who you are". That's OK, pretty girl, don't try to think, you'll only strain something...

It's still mostly low physical comedy, but at least the excrement was kept off screen this time. (or was it...?)

I'm not sure I follow the film's internal logic near the end - the main character can either be a college dorm leader who runs charity events, or she can be Miss November in Playboy? Why can't she be both - or is she just not capable of processing this as an option? Many centerfolds have led productive lives or held down jobs, whether before or after their appearances in the magazine.

Plus, our Miss Bunny is originally described as an "expert on men", at least when compared to the sorority girls. Then when she goes on dates, she turns out to be completely clueless about how to act - well, which is it? Is she an expert on men, or not? Why the discrepancy, and if this man is different from the rest, why not point out HOW?

Starring Anna Faris (last seen in "Observe and Report"), Colin Hanks, Emma Stone (lats seen in "The Rocker"), Katharine McPhee (from "American Idol"), Kat Dennings (last seen in "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist") and Rumer Willis, with cameos from Christopher McDonald (last seen in "Thelma and Louise"), Friend of the Blog Beverly D'Angelo (last seen in "Man Trouble"), Nick Swardson and the "Girls Next Door".

RATING: 6 out of 10 giant tiki-heads.

Miss March

Year 3, Day 60 - 3/1/11 - Movie #790

BEFORE: Because it's March 1, get it? And it fits in with the theme of geeky guys and hot chicks. Linking from last night, Jay Baruchel was in "Knocked Up" with Seth Rogen, who was in "Pineapple Express" with Craig Robinson, who is in tonight's film.

THE PLOT: A young man awakens from a four-year coma to hear that his once virginal high-school sweetheart has since become a centerfold in one of the world's most famous men's magazines.

AFTER: Ugh, this was completely contemptible and un-redeemable. Except for Craig Robinson (last seen in "Zack and Miri Make a Porno"), the acting here is just terrible across the board. The two lead actors are like 3rd-rate clones of Jim Carrey and Sean William Scott, but they're not fit to shine those actors' shoes. They can't deliver one line believably (every point has to be made three times, at least), and every horrible slapstick move is telegraphed horribly.

Plus, it's appalling how much of the humor is based on violence against women (and in one case, a small dog, also unforgivable), and said women are either mindless centerfold models or raging mindless she-demons. The multiple pee and poop jokes also help to establish a new comedic low point.

Additionally, there's no internal logic to speak of. Kidnapping someone from the hospital to fly him across the country - when he's got no clothes or I.D. on him? And the back-up plan is then to, what - drive across the country in 2 days, a feat which can't be done in that time-frame? Really? The audience is just supposed to not notice this? And how come a character who's epileptic goes into a seizure when she sees a strobe light (this is somehow a key plot point), but later stands in a parking lot, surrounded by fire-trucks with flashing lights, and is unaffected?

It's like someone wasn't even trying to tell a proper story, and then put the film in the hands of actors who aren't the slightest bit believable, even though they're playing morons. How stupid do you have to be to not even be able to play stupid right?

Starring two actors, I don't even want to learn their names, because it's quite clear they should never be allowed to appear in another film ever, plus Molly Stanton, Cedric Yarbrough (last seen in "Four Christmases"), and Hugh Hefner.

Seriously, where did they find these guys? "The Whitest Kids U Know"? Great, remind me to NEVER watch that comedy show. This movie is for the people who couldn't quite get the high intellectual content of "Dumb & Dumber".

RATING: 1 out of 10 involuntary bowel movements (I'm seriously wondering if the scale should go down to zero, rather than 1)

She's Out of My League

Year 3, Day 59 - 2/28/11 - Movie #789

BEFORE: Another comedy with slacker guys and hot women - gee, I wonder who this film's target audience is?

Linking from last night, Ben Affleck of "Chasing Amy" was in "He's Just Not That Into You" with Jennifer Aniston, who was in "The Bounty Hunter" with Gerard Butler, who did a voice in "How to Train Your Dragon", with Jay Baruchel (last seen in "Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist")

THE PLOT: An average Joe meets the perfect woman, but his lack of confidence and the influence of his friends and family begin to pick away at the relationship.

AFTER: At first this seemed like an original idea - but then a joke about a certain bodily fluid called to mind "There's Something About Mary", and I realized how much this film has in common with that one. It's easy to see things that got cribbed from the Farrelly Brothers films, and whatever didn't come from them seems to borrow from the Judd Apatow playbook.

The premise is that a woman who's a "10" falls for a guy who's a "5", tops, but comfortable with that. At least, until he feels inadequate from dating the "10". Then friends and family get involved, none of whom think the relationship can work, and then what you have is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The movie posits an exemption to the rule preventing hot women from dating geeks - if the hot woman has had her heart broken by a shallow hot guy, she could be playing it safe and dating down. You won't hear a geek complain about that.

But it's sad when a movie has to portray women as either a nerve-inducing bombshell or a harpy bitch, and those are the main character's only relationship choices. Why not find a geeky girl? They are out there...go hang out in a library, or a comic-con, young geeky guy.

Another sucker-punch ending, which isn't always a terrible thing. But enough jokes about airport security, already - God, that's so 2010. I don't particularly find breaking TSA rules and destroying airline and airport property as funny. Go ahead, crack a joke next time you're going through security and see how far it gets you.

Also starring Alice Eve, T.J. Miller, Mike Vogel, Lindsay Sloane, Krysten Ritter, (nope, I haven't heard of these people before either...), plus Debra Jo Rupp (the mother from "That 70's Show"), Nate Torrance (last seen in "Get Smart"), and a couple other people who look sort of TV-sitcom familiar, but I can't really be sure...

RATING: 5 out of 10 (that's a 7, minus 1 for no real star power, minus 1 for an overly abrupt ending, plus 1 for Jay Baruchel, but minus 1 for ripping off other films)

EDIT: My instincts were spot-on - a day after watching this film, I found that many of the actors are all over the sitcom scene right now - two of them are appearing in the NBC show "Perfect Couples" (the show on NBC's Thursday line-up that I fast-forward through), and another two turned up on the ABC show "Mr. Sunshine", which I also don't watch.

Chasing Amy

Year 3, Day 58 - 2/27/11 - Movie #788

BEFORE: It is Oscar night, and I would be justified in taking a break, or watching an Oscar-winning (or even nominated) film tonight, but I don't really feel connected to tonight's telecast. I've seen exactly none of the nominated films, since I've been so busy catching up on films from years past. Heck, I've only seen three of last year's 10 Best Picture nominees ("Hurt Locker", "Inglourious Basterds" and "Up"), with another three on my list to see ("Avatar", "Up in the Air" and "District 9"). But I kill on the long game - I've seen 19 out of the last 20 Best Picture winners (the lone hold-out: "The English Patient") and 46 out of the total 83.

Last night's film "Date Night" did feature cameos by James Franco and Mark Ruffalo, two of tonight's nominees, does that count? BTW, Steve Carell of "Date Night" was in "Anchorman" with Will Ferrell, who was in "Jay and Bob Strike Back" with Kevin Smith, who of course is in "Chasing Amy". (Will Ferrell is the new Kevin Bacon...)

Anyway, I've got more of a personal connection to this film, which is set in the world of comic-books and comic-cons.

THE PLOT: Everything's going good for comic book artists Holden and Banky until they meet Alyssa, also a comic book artist. Holden falls for her, but his hopes are crushed when he finds out she's a lesbian.

AFTER: So the final topic in my month-long examination of romance will be the unrequited love, the one-way love that was sort of touched upon in "He's Just Not That Into You" - but these last three films all feature men who fall for the unattainable.

This film was released in 1997, and I suppose the main reason I avoided it at the time was because I'd gotten divorced in 1996, after my wife came out in 1995, so the pain was still fresh. Often when people hear my story, I get asked if I've seen this film, and I tell them there's no need, since I pretty much lived it.

The next inevitable question is, "How does such a thing happen?" Well, in my case she hadn't figured it out yet - but she did over time, and due to an attraction to a particular person - so, really, my story is actually the opposite of what's seen in this film. But there are some similarities, because I remember the confusion and the arguments and the slamming of doors.

Like Holden, I spent weeks coming up with 1,000 different ways to try and make the relationship work, but in the end 999 of them were unrealistic. I'm withholding most of the details of what went down, because someday I hope to turn them into a screenplay of my own, provided that the result is not just a cross between this film and "(500) Days of Summer", and provided that it doesn't turn me into one of those douche-y guys who thinks he can write a good screenplay, but can't.

But I feel that this film gets more right than it does wrong, even if it does so in a very vulgar, juvenile way. These days I have a number of female friends, some of whom do date women, and I handle it much better - more like Banky than Holden, I just treat them like "one of the guys".

Of note is the scene where Alyssa's lesbian friends feel betrayed when they learn she's dating a man - which I'm sure happens, even though it's a double-standard. The same group of people who will champion gay rights, the right to love who they want, might not apply the same freedom to one of their own.

And I do favor gay rights, and gay marriage - assuming, of course, that gay divorce becomes part of the deal. Because it only seems fair -

Starring Ben Affleck (last seen in "He's Just Not That Into You"), Jason Lee (last seen in "Enemy of the State"), Joey Lauren Adams (last seen in "The Break-Up"), with cameos from Matt Damon (last seen in "The Talented Mr. Ripley"), Ethan Suplee (last seen in "Remember the Titans"), Kevin Smith (last seen in "Live Free or Die Hard"), Jason Mewes (last seen in "Zack and Miri Make a Porno"), Casey Affleck (last seen in "Gone Baby Gone") and Brian O'Halloran (last seen in "Clerks II")

RATING: 7 out of 10 yearbook photos