Happily N'Ever After

Year 2, Day 79 - 3/20/10 - Movie #444

BEFORE: While I'm at it, another fairy-tale spoof film. I suppose this is what you get after "Shrek" makes a few billion at the box office...

THE PLOT: An alliance of evil-doers, led by Frieda, looks to take over Fairy Tale Land. But when Ella realizes her stepmother is out to ruin her storybook existence, she takes a dramatic turn and blossoms into the leader of the resistance effort.

AFTER: This is a take on the Cinderella story, in fact the character is called "Ella" here, and most people don't realize that "Cinder-Ella" is a derogatory name based on her assigned chores of cleaning the cinders from the fireplace.

Like "Enchanted", this film examines the "Cinderella Syndrome" wherein girls are taught (by fairy tales) to be beautiful and polite, but not strong and independent, requiring their Prince Charming to find, rescue and take care of them.

According to this movie, the tales in Fairyland keep happening over and over, and the balance between good and evil is maintained by a Wizard (voiced by George Carlin), but when he takes a vacation and his assistants tip the scales, the evil forces, led by Ella's stepmother, Freida (Sigourney Weaver) are able to take over.

As a result, Prince Charming (Patrick Warburton) does not succeed in his quest to find Cinderella after the ball, and all the fairy tales are able to have different endings. Ella joins forces with the prince's assistant, Rick, (who has loved her from afar, and may end up being a better match for her than stuffy old Prince C. anyway) to defeat the evil forces.

Also starring the voices of Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr., Andy Dick, Tom Kenny, and Wallace Shawn.

RATING: 4 out of 10 flying broomsticks

Enchanted

Year 2, Day 78 - 3/19/10 - Movie #443

BEFORE: Speaking of Disney films, here's one that's something of a spoof of Disney's "princess" films...

THE PLOT: A fairytale princess is sent to our world by an evil queen. Soon after her arrival, Princess Giselle begins to change her views on life and love after meeting a handsome lawyer.

AFTER: It warms my heart to see a film that uses cel-animation, live-action and CGI, and appears to know exactly what to do with each one, and the proper way to blend them together.

I also appreciate that this film is both a spoof of fairy-tale movies, and in some ways the ultimate extension of them. By examining the "Cinderella syndrome", in which women pine for their Prince Charmings, this film questions the sensibility of the old ways, and updates the role of the fairy-tale in the modern world.

Giselle (Amy Adams) is part Snow-White, part Cinderella, and part reverse Dorothy or Alice in Wonderland - this is a twist on the traditional "real-girl goes to fantasyland" story - what are the implications of a fantasy character turning up in the real world, and learning about real-world problems like divorce or adultery?

Of course, the fantasy world of Andalasia is no stranger to concepts like "evil", as portrayed by Giselle's future mother-in-law (or more accurately, step-mother-in-law...), Queen Narissa (Susan Sarandon), who first sends her out of the fantasy realm, then continually tries to kill her with the cliched poison apples.

Giselle is aided by the real-world Robert (Patrick Dempsey) a divorced father who is portrayed as a practical counter to her fantasy-world optimism. As Giselle learns more about the real world, and concepts like "dating", she starts to re-examine her fantasy world relationship with Prince Edward (James Marsden) - to the movie's benefit, it never really takes a stand between the optimistic and pessimistic views of the world, as the real truth probably lies somewhere in-between.

Edward and his companion Nathaniel also leave the animated realm, to seek Giselle in the non-fantasy world of NYC. They look for her in landmarks like Central Park and Katz's Deli (which is my idea of a fantasy world, but for different reasons...) But what happens when Edward locates his princess - will she still be the same sunny optimist, and if not, how will that affect their engagement?

Lots of animated animal sidekicks, as one would expect from a Disney film, but at least they appear here mostly ironically - Pip, the chipmunk is the standout, even though he loses the ability to speak when he leaves the cartoon world. Giselle also commands an army of pigeons, rats and cockroaches to clean a NYC apartment - OK, maybe "clean" isn't the right word...

I enjoyed this more than I thought I would -

RATING: 7 out of 10 pizza pies

The Black Cauldron

Year 2, Day 77 - 3/18/10 - Movie #442

BEFORE: I'm done with movies about knights, but I'm sticking with animated films with fantasy/magic elements...

THE PLOT: A young boy and a bunch of misfit friends embark on a quest to find a dark magic item of ultimate power before a diabolical tyrant can.

AFTER: Definitely a Disney film, and definitely made during Disney's low period in the 1980's. By that I mean there are too many sidekicks, and too much slapstick. I'm going to place much of the blame for the rise in attention-deficit disorders on movies like this one that have to give kids no less than 7 cutesy animal sidekicks, and something crashing into something else every 30 seconds. Kids get conditioned to that sort of thing, and then when you ask them to read a newspaper or hold a conversation, they get no bang for their buck, and tend to wander off.

The plot (what little there is of it) concerns a pig that has visions of the future, and must be kept out of the hands of the Horned King, or else he can see how to gain control of the magical Black Cauldron. Point of order: a future-telling pig, or any future-telling device, shouldn't be able to tell you HOW to do something, just what WILL take place. I'm just sayin'.

Young Taran is put in charge of the pig, and loses it to the Horned King - great job! So he's thrown in a dungeon where he meets Eilonwy who says she's a princess, but is later referred to as a scullery maid - well, which is it? They rescue an old minstrel from the same dungeon - I guess security's not too tight there - and with a weird forest creature named Gurgi, they decide they'd better get to the Black Cauldron first, and destroy it.

There's fairy-folk, a bunch of witches, and an army of the dead, but it doesn't add up to something nearly as cool as it sounds. I mean, it's no "Willow".

RATING: 3 out of 10 harp-strings

Quest for Camelot

Year 2, Day 76 - 3/17/10 - Movie #441

BEFORE: Happy St. Patrick's Day! At least I'm sort of in the right part of the world, watching a film that takes place in the U.K. This is a more updated animated version of the King Arthur story (I think), which starts with Arthur (in flashback) pulling Excalibur from the stone - so this sort of picks up right where last night's film left off...

THE PLOT: An adventurous girl, a young blind hermit and a goofy two headed dragon race to find the lost sword Excalibur to save King Arthur and Camelot.

AFTER: Sort of disappointing, I'd hoped this would center more on Arthur, but the central character is a young girl named Kayley, the daughter of a knight, who wants to perform heroic deeds herself - very proto-feminist for the Middle Ages. She gets her chance when an evil ex-knight named Ruber (voiced by Gary Oldman) tries to steal Excalibur, and it gets lost in the Forbidden Forest.

Kayley heads into the woods and finds Garrett (voiced by Cary Elwes), a blind former resident of Camelot who knows his way around the woods, and together they encounter a two-headed dragon, named Devon and Cornwall, who ends up breaking the dragon code and helping them out.

This was a Warner Bros. picture, but it suffered from some of the same problems as your average Disney picture - too many animal sidekicks, and too much slapstick (funny characters fall down!) The story's OK, I suppose, but it got a little preachy with the lessons (see, if we all just work together, we can do it!).

But hey, there was some Irish-style music in here, with some songs by the Corrs, so I'll take that as a win for St. Patrick's Day.

Also starring the voices of Pierce Brosnan, Jane Seymour, Eric Idle, Don Rickles, Gabriel Byrne (last seen in "Lionheart"...shudder...), Sir John Gielgud (last seen in "First Knight"), Bronson Pinchot and Jaleel White.

RATING: 4 out of 10 chickens

The Sword in the Stone

Year 2, Day 75 - 3/16/10 - Movie #440

BEFORE: I have a very vague memory of this movie from when I was a kid - Mom was hardcore about taking her kids to see every Disney movie, even the re-releases. If only she had known her son would end up working for animators!

THE PLOT: Merlin the Magician teaches a young boy who is destined to be King Arthur.

AFTER: OK, I know that there probably wasn't a real King Arthur, and his whole story is fiction and conjecture, but it still seems odd to focus on the childhood of the King, the time when he was a lowly boy and not really regal at all.

The part of the story that we know as the beginning of Arthur's story - pulling Excalibur from the stone (anvil?) appears in this movie as the ending. Everything that goes before that - meeting the wizard Merlin, serving as a squire, scrubbing pots and pans - should be a preface to serving as England's king, but I'm not seeing the connection. What about his experiences made him worthy? The movie fails to say.

Merlin knows he's destined for greatness, but HOW does he know? And turning Arthur into a fish, a squirrel and a bird - how does all that prepare him for being King? What lessons does he learn from it - that big creatures want to eat small ones? That lady squirrels are horny? Again, I'm not seeing the point, and this mostly feels like filler material until it's time to draw the sword. This kid should be learning about trade disputes, military techniques and the laws of England!

And about that sword - who put it in the stone, God? Again, no explanation. And what does Arthur do differently from other contenders when he pulls the sword? You got me...details, Disney, I want details! And I'm supposed to believe that there was a complete power vacuum in the U.K. for decades before Arthur came along? Unlikely...

I want to take some time here and give a shout-out to my cat, Merlin. He's 19 years and one month old, so in cat years he's starting to give the old wizard he's named after a run for his money. He may not be as active as he once was, he may sleep 20 hours a day, he's missing some teeth and he's acting cranky, but more power to him. He's been my companion for almost 2 decades, and I don't know what I'll do when he's gone. So keep rockin' that catnip banana, Merlin.

RATING: 4 out of 10 magic spells

First Knight

Year 2, Day 74 - 3/15/10 - Movie #439

BEFORE: Back-to-back Sean Connery films, as he takes the role of King Arthur here, with Richard Gere as Lancelot.

THE PLOT: Lancelot falls in love with Guinevere, who is due to be married to King Arthur. Meanwhile, a violent warlord tries to seize power from Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.

AFTER: At first I wasn't sure about Gere playing Lancelot, especially since he's the central figure here, but he pulls it off, wavy-haired mullet and all. Of course, we all know the love triangle that develops between old Lance, Queen Guinevere (Julia Ormond) and King Arthur. Lancelot loves the Queen, and thus betrays the King.

But it seemed like the movie was going to neatly avoid the conflict by making Lancelot a lone wolf, an outsider who dwells in the forest and serves only himself (free-lancelot?) but after rescuing Gwinny 6 or 7 times, Arthur figures he'd better put him on Camelot's payroll.

After several nights of jousting and riding around on horses, finally I get to see some big medieval battle scenes - army vs. army as the ex-knight Malegant's forces overrun Guinevere's homeland, and Arthur's forces must go and defend it. Lancelot is clearly the best combat fighter, and this is explained by stating that he doesn't care if he lives or dies.

This is a troubled Lancelot, haunted by the memories of watching his family die in a burning church. He's also a post-"Star Wars" knight, representing the best of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo rolled into one - though his lightsaber is made out of this funny metal-like substance...

Also starring Ben Cross as Malegant, with a cameo by Sir John Gielgud.

RATING: 7 out of 10 flaming arrows

Robin and Marian

Year 2, Day 73 - 3/14/10 - Movie #438

BEFORE: That last movie sucked, but the appearance of Richard the Lion-Hearted leads me to think of Robin Hood, which leads me to this film. I have a vague memory of watching part of this as a child, but I don't remember much about it.

THE PLOT: Robin Hood, aging none too gracefully, returns exhausted from the Crusades to woo and win Maid Marian one last time.

AFTER: The first act has Robin Hood (Sean Connery) defying King Richard (Richard Harris), which lands him in the dungeon. Robin wasn't too keen on pillaging a castle full of women and children on Richard's orders, and an old man inside the castle tosses an arrow at King Richard, scoring a lucky shot in his neck.

After the King's death, Robin is finally free from his service, and returns to England, 20 years after leaving on one of the Crusades. He finds a few of the old Merry Men, his old adversary the Sheriff of Nottingham (Robert Shaw) and Lady Marian (Audrey Hepburn) who's now a nun.

Old habits are hard to break, and before long Robin and Marian are together again, but the new king allows an army to march on Sherwood Forest to put an end to the returned hero. Robin risks it all with a one-on-one battle with the Sheriff - the winner lives, the loser dies and the loser's men retreat.

Also starring Ian Holm as King John, Denholm Elliott as Will Scarlett, and Nicol Williamson as Little John (he'd later play no less than Merlin in "Excalibur").

RATING: 5 out of 10 catapults