Monster House

Day 304 - 10/31/09 - Movie 304

BEFORE: Halloween is (finally) here, and this is the most appropriate movie, I think, for sitting in my living room and waiting for trick-or-treaters to ring the doorbell. Last night's movie was also about a haunted house, so I think that worked out rather well (and both were produced by Spielberg's Amblin Entertainment). Let's just hope the 2 bags of candy we bought last the night...

THE PLOT: Three teens discover that their neighbor's house is really a living, breathing, scary monster.

AFTER: Once you get past the oddness of the CGI (everyone seems to have really huge heads and either very scrawny bodies, or overly corpulent ones) this is not a bad little movie. Every neighborhood in the country has at least one "mean old man", and many also feature a rundown, spooky house that people tell scary stories about. Here the mean old man lives in the scary house, so it's a double-whammy.

This is a demonic house that appears to eat small children, dogs, and adults (when no one else is looking), tempting the grown-ups with their lost kites or toys from years ago, presumably lost in the house's yard. So that means the house is not only possessed, it's SMART. The mean old man, Mr. Nebbercracker, is voiced by Steve Buscemi, making an astonishing 12th appearance in my movies this year (twice as many as John Malkovich's 6), second only to Robert De Niro's 22.

The 3 kids who try to solve the mystery of the house are played by relative unknowns, but there's a lot of star power in the supporting cast - voices by Maggie Gyllenhall, Jon Heder, Kevin James, Nick Cannon, Jason Lee, and the ever-present Catherine O'Hara and Fred Willard. There's even a character in flashback voiced by Kathleen Turner - only for about 4 or 5 lines of dialogue!

There's a fair amount of thrill-ride action, of course not all of it is very believable (would a kid really know how to work construction equipment?) but hey, it's a cartoon. The main purpose is to entertain, even if it has to bend the rules. Would a house really have a gaping front-porch "mouth" and evil window-eyes? Of course not...

RATING: 6 out of 10 bottles of cold medicine

SHOCK-O-METER: 3 out of 10 (the house actually was scary, but just cartoon-scary)

Good news - the candy held out through three waves of trick-or-treaters, I gave everyone a fun-size Snickers and a roll of Smarties, and still had some left over. So that's going to wrap up Shocktober and the Halloween season - I didn't get to watch movies about werewolves or serial killers, or delve into the movies based on Stephen King stories, but I had to save something for next year anyway...

Casper

Day 303 - 10/30/09 - Movie #303

BEFORE: I know, it's a commercial kiddie movie, but it keeps my ghost theme going, and what is Halloween, if not a commercialized kiddie holiday?

THE PLOT: A paranormal expert and his daughter bunk in an abandoned house populated by 3 mischievous ghosts and one friendly one.

AFTER: Yeah, this was pretty corny - it started out OK, with Bill Pullman as a paranormal "ghost therapist" called in to rid a haunted house of ghosts, and Christina Ricci as his daughter who bonds with Casper, the Friendliest of the ghosts. But it went off the rails with Cathy Moriarty playing the owner of the house, looking for some kind of hidden treasure. And there's a machine that can turn a ghost back into a human, with some kind of primordial potion - ridiculous.

And there's a trio of ghosts more evil than Casper - or are they evil? It's hard to tell because they're portrayed so inconsistently - one minute they're scaring construction workers, the next they're chumming around with Bill Pullman. And the movie feels the need to romanticize being a ghost, informing us that dying is "like being born - only backwards." Thanks, Casper, that's really helpful...

Casper also tells us that when people die, life doesn't matter so much anymore, so their purpose in life tends to be forgotten. But the whole gimmick of the film relies on the notion that ghosts are people who died with unfinished business - how are they ever going to finish their business on Earth, if they can't remember what it is? Also, later in the film a character dies, and completely remembers who she was, and every part of her plan! Well, which is it? And if the ghosts can pass through walls so easily, how can Pullman's character trap them in a vacuum cleaner?

Eric Idle provides the comic relief, but unfortunately so much of it is slapsticky, relying on people slipping on wet floors, or getting covered in shaving cream. There are also cameos from Don Novello (turning his Fr. Guido Sarducci character into an exorcist), Dan Aykroyd reprising his role as a Ghostbuster, Ben Stein as a deadpan lawyer. But those aren't enough to make up for all the pratfalls.

RATING: 3 out of 10 cobwebs

SPOOK-O-METER: 2 out of 10

Ghost Town

Day 302 - 10/29/09 - Movie #302

BEFORE: Variations on a theme - Ricky Gervais also sees dead people in this film, but it's a comedy...

THE PLOT: When Bertram Pincus dies unexpectedly, but is miraculously revived after seven minutes, he wakes up to discover that he now has the annoying ability to see ghosts.

AFTER: This one was very enjoyable and quite amusing - Gervais's character is able to see all the ghosts walking around the earth because they have unfinished business. Like Haley Joel Osment in "The Sixth Sense" he wants to ignore or avoid them at first, but then realizes that may not be the best solution.

Greg Kinnear plays Frank, a ghost who wants him to break up the engagement of his widow, Gwen (Tea Leoni). But Frank is just one of dozens of ghosts who haunt Bertram, desperate to communicate with their loved ones or resolve the things they didn't get the chance to do. Bertram has to learn to care about their problems over his own and not be a selfish prick. I found this to be very sweet and endearing, with an important message about accomplishing things in one's life - even when Ricky Gervais was being sarcastic and self-deprecating (of course, that's when he's at his funniest)

Co-starring Aasif Mandvi, Alan Ruck (from "Ferris Bueller") and Kristen Wiig -

RATING: 7 out of 10 fillings

SPOOK-O-METER: 1 out of 10 (annoyingly persistent, but not creepy ghosts)

The Sixth Sense

Day 301 - 10/28/09 - Movie #301

BEFORE: Now back to my regularly-scheduled M.Night Shyamalan marathon - I know, I really should have seen this when it was first released, before someone spoiled the ending for me. But I heard that you need to see this one twice to really understand it, so this will just be like me seeing it for the second time, even though it's my first time. So it's a timesaver, really...

THE PLOT: A boy who communicates with spirits that don't know they're dead seeks the help of a disheartened child psychologist.

AFTER: I'm going to take a bit of a mulligan on this one. I think that after watching 300 movies this year, I'm allowed to tank on one.

In addition to knowing the "gimmick", I had the opportunity to attend a pair of beer dinners this week, back-to-back on Tuesday and Wednesday night. And both were pretty generous with the refills, so over the two nights I did imbibe quite a bit. This is a complex movie that demands attention, and I really shouldn't have tried to watch it after a few beers - I made that mistake with "The Usual Suspects" and never fully understood it (did anyone?)

So, let's just say I'm awarding points for the cleverness of it all, but I wasn't really blown away, for the reasons listed above. Oh, and M. Night appears again in a cameo role - as a smarty-pants doctor, of course...

RATING: 6 out of 10 Jesus figurines

SPOOK-O-METER: 5 out of 10 (creepy boy sees creepy ghosts)

300

Day 300 - 10/27/09 - Movie #300

BEFORE: I hate to interrupt the horror films, and the M. Night Shyamalan chain, but I can't resist the temptation to mark this milestone with this film, so appropriately titled. I'm actually upset that I didn't arrange my October movies differently - I should have led into this film with "The Scorpion King", for back-to-back ancient battle scenes, or even with "Phantom of the Opera", for back-to-back Gerard Butler films. Heck, since this was based on a comic book I could have even justified linking it with "Blade" or "Hellboy." Oh well, what's done is done - I'm looking forward to this film, since it was directed by Zack Snyder, who did such a fantastic job with "Watchmen."

THE PLOT: King Leonidas and a force of 300 men fight the Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C.

AFTER: Actually, I think this DOES count as a horror film - certainly the focus is on the horrors of war, as a relative handful of Spartans tries to hold off the entire Persian army at a mountain pass. We're meant to root for the Spartans because they're "free men" while the Persian army is made up of slaves. But does that mean that the slaves deserve to die more? If they're slaves, they're not in control of their situation, and they're not soldiers by choice - but I guess by Spartan logic, this means they're just meaningless pawns, and therefore quite expendable.

Also horrific is the array of bizarre creatures sent into battle by the Persians - there's a wave of ninja-like "Immortals" that look like fierce animals under their masks, and a giant, fanged grunting brute who seems to be 10 feet tall. Xerxes himself, leader of the Persians, seems to be an abnormally tall man/god also, dwarfing King Leonidas during a mid-battle meeting that seemed full of homoerotic tension - or was I reading too much between the lines?

The endless fighting scenes are beautifully shot and choreographed, or at least they're as beautiful as hand-to-hand combat can be - like a ballet with blood and severed heads. The Persians have armies from all over Asia, so in addition to the ninjas, they've got elephants, rhinos, giants, mystics with gunpowder bombs (that anachronism AGAIN?) and a guy with lobster claws for hands (seriously?) and they all learn the hard way not to mess with Spartans.

The movie seems very informative about Spartan fighting techniques and their warrior-based society. I didn't know, for example, that so many of them had Scottish accents! Gerard Butler plays King Leonidas (aka MacScreamy) who barks out all his lines over-dramatically (We...Are...Spartans!) including, one would assume, his army's lunch orders (We...Want...Pastrami!)

The effects are dazzling, at times because of their invisibility - it's so easy to imagine that you're seeing limbs being hacked off for real - and other times for their grandeur, like seeing an ocean filled with tempest-tossed boats, or an army that stretches all the way to the horizon and beyond, when viewed from a mountaintop. I also liked when the sky darkened because of thousands of arrows in flight (so that's what that would look like...)

That's TWO famous comic-books brought to cinematic life by Zack Snyder - get this guy to work on the Sandman movie fast!

RATING: 7 out of 10 golden helmets

SPOOK-O-METER: 3 out of 10 (for nasty hunchbacks and brutish giants)

The Village

Day 299 - 10/26/09 - Movie #299

BEFORE: I admit it, I was a little (OK, a lot) let down by "Lady in the Water", but I'm willing to give the guy another chance. Because if I discount this M.Night guy, I can't finish Shock-tober the way I want to...

THE PLOT: The population of a small, isolated countryside village believe that their alliance with the mysterious creatures that inhabit the forest around them is coming to an end.

AFTER: I'm going to be really careful here and not say very much about the plot, because this is one of those films where you don't want to spoil what's coming up in the film. I (sort of) knew what was coming - because I read way too many movie reviews, and not everyone is as careful as I am to not write about spoilers.

If you're reading my blog about movies, I could just assume that you're only interested in reading my opinions movies that you have seen yourself, but just to be on the safe side - if you have any interest in seeing this movie, check it out for yourself. Before you read an article or review written by a jerk like me.

What I am willing to talk about is - there's this village, see? And they're cut off from the other villages of towns, ostensibly by design. The WHY of their isolation is the mystery. Another mystery is what haunts the woods around the village, creating horrible moaning sounds, and occasionally making forays into the village to harm livestock and scare the people. And for some reason, the village has forbidden the color red in clothing and decor, and it is simply called "the bad color."

Joaquin Phoenix plays Lucius Hunt, who questions the WHY of the situation, and his love interest is a Ivy, a blind girl played by Bryce Dallas Howard (who also played the narf in "Lady in the Water") and the third part of a (sort-of) love triangle is Noah, played by Adrien Brody. The elders in the village are played by William Hurt, Sigourney Weaver, and a number of character actors like Brendan Gleeson and Celia Weston.

I wish I could comment more, if you're intrigued, definitely check it out. Or search the internet for spoilers, they probably aren't hard to find.

RATING: 6 out of 10 magic rocks

SPOOK-O-METER: 4 out of 10 (a blind girl lost in the woods is surprisingly creepy...)

Lady in the Water

Day 298 - 10/25/09 - Movie #298

BEFORE: One week left in Shock-tober, and I've got just enough time to knock off some of these M.Night Shyamalan films from my list - as I mentioned before, I would have liked to do an in-depth review of Stephen King movies, but I'll have to postpone this until next October. This month went by a lot quicker than I thought it would.

THE PLOT: Apartment building superintendent Cleveland Heep rescues a young woman from the pool he maintains. When he discovers that she is actually a nymph who is trying to make the journey back to her home, he works with his tenants to protect his new friend from the creatures that are determined to keep her in our world.

AFTER: Man, I just didn't get this at all. I understand the desire to cast Paul Giamatti as an unlikely hero or "antihero", but here's a case where a whole new mythology had to be invented as a backstory for the nymph character (sorry, NARF) played by Bryce Dallas Howard. So there's this opening animated sequence that explains that humans used to live by the oceans, and they would get advice from sea nymphs, and this would somehow prevent wars - but when men moved inland, away from the helpful nymphs, society started to go downhill.

So this superintendent finds a nymph in the pool of this apartment complex, and we're given these little hints of her purpose from an old Chinese folk-tale. Funny, we only seem to get a tiny bit of the story at a time, and of course it's just one little relevant nugget at a time, to draw out the story... The nymph is there to inspire a writer, so somewhere in the complex is an author who's apparently going to change the world with his words, to be a vessel for the nymph's advice to mankind.

There's all kinds of complicated bits to the folk-tale - the narf is being chased by a scrunt, which is like a big nasty dog/wolf that looks like it's made of grass. But she can be protected by a Guardian, a Healer, and a Guild, until an eagle....look, it's just complicated, OK? But my confusion comes with the writing of this story - you could have written anything you wanted, M. Night, and THIS is what you come up with? What was the freakin' point of all this?

Mr. Shyamalan, of course, has a habit for casting himself in his own films - which is not uncommon, Alfred Hitchcock had a cameo appearance in almost all of his films, and Stephen King and Stan Lee are known for making appearances in films based on their stories and characters. But Hitchcock would cast himself in a TINY role - like a man walking a dog, or getting on a bus - or even as the "before" picture in a weight-loss ad in a newspaper. Shyamalan casts himself as the important writer, the guy whose book is going to change the world, possibly by inspiring a future president or something. Someone's got an inflated ego, I think...

Another significant character is a movie reviewer, played by Bob Balaban. He gives Cleveland horrible advice, based on what he knows about predictable movie plots, about how to locate the people who are supposed to help protect the narf. From this we learn, by extension, that movie reviewers are dumb and often mis-understand plots. The movie reviewer meets an untimely end - so I think (the same) someone has an axe to grind with movie critics.

Besides being way too self-referential, this film just gets bogged down in its own mythology - which was created for this film, so why make things so darn complicated? There was a bit of a twist (I guess...) and one small reveal that I saw coming a mile away. Of course Giamatti was great playing a schlub - isn't he always? And there were some OK performances from Bill Irwin, Freddy Rodriguez, and Noah Gray-Cabey (the kid from "Heroes") but mostly this just felt like a waste of time.

RATING: 2 out of 10 lounge-chairs

SHOCK-O-METER: 3 out of 10 (OK, that dog/wolf thing was a little scary...)