Georgia Rule

Year 16, Day 132 - 5/11/24 - Movie #4,730 - MOTHER'S DAY FILM #3

BEFORE: Mother's Day is almost here, and I'm shutting down the Movie Year for a week because I'm headed down to North Carolina tomorrow, to see my own mother (and father) for the first time since October.  It's fine, there are 365 days in a year and for me, only 300 of them need to be movie-watching days so there's no problem with abstaining for a week in May.  I'm going to take another week off in June, just because the chain I landed on can't possibly fill the month, so right before Father's Day I'm going to be dark for another week.  That's right around the time of the Tribeca Film Festival, so I'll probably be too busy anyway - these things have a funny way of working out, don't they?  

Zachary Gordon carries over from "Because I Said So". 

THE PLOT: A troubled young woman is sent to live with her grandmother for the summer, while hiding a secret that could potentially tear her family apart. 

AFTER: This feels like it wanted to be a "message" film, but that message got so garbled and twisted over the course of two hours, that's it's difficult now to try to figure out what it was trying to say.  A stepfather molesting his step-daughter is BAD?  Well, sure, but we knew that going in.  But when that step-daughter is so damaged by it that she can't have healthy relationships, that she lies about nearly everything, and she just keeps acting out, the end result is that we just don't know what end is up, and thus it becomes a bit difficult to assign blame for everything.  We're dropped into the story at a point where her mother just can't deal with her any more and is handing her off to the girl's grandmother in Idaho, so what the hell am I supposed to do with that?  She's just portrayed as difficult and over-sexed at first, and there's no explanation at first for WHY she's this way.  

What's worse is that the only weapon in her arsenal seems to be seducing men, or even worse, getting close to father figures in her life, and there's kind of a fine line there. Look, I don't know much about abuse victims, but I'm not sure that a valid way of dealing with sexual abuse is to have random sex with everyone in sight, I would think that the opposite is true, that victims would be more likely to avoid sex, but what do I know?  I'm not an expert, maybe if you look like LIndsay Lohan and all you have is a hammer, then everything just looks like a nail, if you know what I mean.  This is Mental Health Awareness Month, and so I guess whatever somebody needs to do to be mentally healthy, we should encourage that. 

Rachel hits this little town in Idaho, where her grandmother lives and where her mother grew up, and that town is just not ready for her.  She tries to seduce the second man she meets, who gives her a ride into town, but she ends up dating the first man she meets, who found her lying by the side of the road.  Well, it is a small town, but this all seems kind of ridiculous.  That guy who gave her the ride used to date her mother, and he's a veterinarian and part-time doctor that she gets a summer job working for as a receptionist, it's all just a bit too insular if you ask me.  Rachel's mother drops her off and then goes to meet friends in Salt Lake City, but then the bigger problem seems to be that she goes back to her husband, Rachel's step-father, who Rachel accuses of molesting her.  Unless she's lying, of course, and that seems to be a definite possibility for part of the film.  Unless she's also lying about lying, which presents us with something of a conundrum - how do we know if she made the whole thing up, and she freely admits that she's a habitual liar, unless she's also not telling the truth about THAT, and now my head hurts, we're in way too deep on this one. 

Rachel's mother, Lilly, now is kind of caught in a dilemma, should she continue to go back to her husband, who claims he didn't have sex with her daughter, or should she believe her daughter, which means that her husband is a terrible person and her marriage is doomed to fail, and she may need to move back to Idaho herself, which she vowed she never would do.  Meanwhile her daughter is trying to live under the moral code of her grandmother, which means never taking the Lord's name in vain, eating dinner every night at 6 pm sharp, and various other house rules.  She's also dating this Mormon dude, who's got a girlfriend who's away at college and is also a virgin because it's what Jesus wants, but damn if he doesn't fall under Rachel's spell also. 

We're going to go back and forth here a few times, because nothing's ever really easy in Idaho, I guess, but somewhere in here is a point, maybe, about how Grandma is always right, even if Mommy's to drunk to really understand what's going on.  Well, at least we get two mothers in this film, so it's a Mother's Day double whammy perhaps.  The most Mother-y of Mother's Day films, even.  There are some great actors here like Hector Elizondo and Laurie Metcalf who are just criminally under-used because Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman end up getting all the good scenes.  

Ugh, I came here for Mother's Day and I got a whole bunch of other stuff I didn't need to deal with, like alcoholism and sex abuse, but OK, I guess.  What else, maybe I can point out that Jane Fonda took 15 years off from being in movies, after making "Stanley & Iris" in 1990 she wasn't in another movie until 2005's "Monster-in-Law", then 2 years later she was in "Georgia Rule", so I guess if you're a big star you just can't retire whenever you want?  Also I don't think most veterinarians would moonlight as country doctors, not even in Idaho - I'm guessing that even in Idaho they have hospitals and real doctors by now.  But whatever. 

Also starring Jane Fonda (last seen in "Stanley & Iris"), Lindsay Lohan (last seen in "The Bling Ring"), Felicity Huffman (last seen in "Trust Me"), Dermot Mulroney (last seen in "Lovely & Amazing"), Garrett Hedlund (last seen in "The United States vs. Billie Holiday"), Cary Elwes (last seen in "We Don't Belong Here"), Laurie Metcalf (last seen in "Scream 2"), Hector Elizondo (last seen in 'Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go for It"), Dylan McLaughlin (last seen in "Kicking & Screaming"), Tereza Stanislav, Fred Applegate, Cynthia Ferrer, Destiney Moore, Christine Lakin (last seen in "Whatever It Takes"), Chelse Swain (last seen in "The Virgin Suicidies"), Shea Curry (last seen in "New Year's Eve"), Adreana Gonzalez (last seen in "Mother's Day"), Timothy Henning, Rance Howard (last seen in "Eulogy"). Hope Alexander-Willis, Paul Williams (last seen in "De Palma"), Beth Kennedy (last seen in "Race to Witch Mountain"), Sarah Lilly, Scott Marshall (last seen in "Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind"), Zettie M. Ronistal, Cat Stock, Sandra DeNise, Mandy Medlin, Lauren McLaughlin, Ash M. Warren, Katherine Helms, Anna A. White (last seen in "You Again"), Barbara Marshall (last seen in "Frankie and Johnny), Cassie Rowell, Lily Marshall-Fricker, Charlotte Marshall-Fricker, Nicole Appleby (last seen in "Quiz Lady")

RATING: 4 out of 10 kitchen knives

Because I Said So

Year 16, Day 131 - 5/10/24 - Movie #4,729 - MOTHER'S DAY FILM #2

BEFORE: OK, long story to tell but at least I can proceed with the countdown - originally this film was next to "Poms" on my list because of the obvious connection, but then as I started going through the Mother's Day films I saw a "better" order, one that I thought would end a certain way and connect with "Yours, Mine & Ours", which was a potential Father's Day film as well, since it's about two parents raising a blended family.  But that just wasn't going to work, because what was I going to do, stop watching movies for a month between the two holidays?  That would be ridiculous.  So I was probably always going to change that.

But as a result I had four films in a block that could be arranged a number of different ways, and in that case it matters which film is last, because that would be the link to the next section of the chain, which I hadn't blocked out yet.  So I figured once I got closer I'd know more, and thus figure out how that little section needed to end.  Well, I got busy and I got close to the blank part, so I needed to stop and figure out the next section.  It turns out that I should have stuck with the ORIGINAL order on Mother's Day films, but unfortunately it was a complicated job to figure that out, I had to know which films about fathers I was likely to program in June, and then of course there was the Documentary puzzle to solve.  Although I had 36 or so doc arranged in an imperfect circle, that only made things more confusing, as there were hundreds of ways to get into that circle, which was best?  Really, it wasn't a question of HOW so much as WHEN, so really, I just had to get the chain to Father's Day and then take the next on-ramp to the documentary highway.  

So I put movies on pause while I worked that all out, which you know, really worked out great because I had to go to work early on Thursday so Wednesday night was just all about the linking, and I found a path to Father's Day AND July 4 and so now after I take next week off, everything's programmed until almost the end of July, which is a relief.  And taking a pause also put the "TRUE" Mother's Day films closer to the holiday itself, so it's a win all around.  

Diane Keaton carries over "Poms", and it feels like maybe that was the way it was meant to be, I could have just stuck with that.  And here are the actor links for the rest of May, now available: Zachary Gordon, Dermot Mulroney, Jacki Weaver, Mark Wahlberg, Kevin Hart.  Sure, it looks a bit short because I'm taking off next week, but also because those last two guys will be in like five films each.  Let's clear some movies off the list!  

THE PLOT: A meddling mother tries to set her daughter up with the right man so her kid won't follow in her footsteps.  

AFTER: The other linking problem I had with this film came from trying to determine (without having seen it) if it counts as a romance film or a Mother's Day film.  I suppose it could be either or both, but then that sort of made it neither - I had it on the list next to a bunch of films scheduled for February, but then the linking took a turn and it got kind of stranded, however it still linked to so many other rom coms that I figured it wouldn't be stranded indefinitely.  But come February I was likely to say, "Oh, that film would be great for Mother's Day" and then when programming May I'd be just as likely to say, "Oh, that's a romance film, save it for next year's chain."  And then as a result I'd just never get around to it, you can see that happening, right? 

Unfortunately the movie is just as muddled as that - is this a film about romance or a film about mothering?  Is Mom always right, or is she proven wrong in the long run?  Should mothers keep having influence over their adult daughters' lives, or do they need to know when to back off?  It's absolutely maddening that the film can't give us any clear answers on these points - and there simply must be answers!  Why, it's almost like the screenwriter was hedging their bets, and they didn't want to alienate either the mothers OR the daughters in the audience, so they couldn't draw any firm conclusions or take a strong stand on these points!  So as a result, Mom is always right about everything, but only until she is proven wrong.  Mom means well, she only wants to see her daughter married and happy and therefore she keeps doling out the advice BUT it's driving her daughter crazy, so ALSO Mom has to learn when to stay out of things. WTF? How can both of these things be true?  Life is complex, sure, and there are two sides to every story but when a character is CLEARLY depicted as a "helicopter mom" who can't stop hovering, and it's really, really screwing up her daughter and affecting their relationship, well then we've all just got to agree that Mom needs to take a chill pill, and Milly really really needs to start making her own decisions. 

Mom says to wear the polka-dot dress, but Milly doesn't like polka dots.  OK, so why does Milly give in on this point?  Just don't wear the dress that Mom picked out for you IF you don't like it.  Thinking for yourself and living your own life has to start somewhere, and that's as good a place as any - start with something small, maybe learn to pick out your own clothes?  And then if that goes well, you can start picking out your romantic partners and dealing with the fall out instead of running to Mommy and your two sisters every time things don't go your way.  You're never going to leave the nest this way, MIlly, cut the damn cord already.  You've got your own catering business and that's going well, now you just need to learn to make better choices regarding who to date, and if you can't find a suitable partner, just don't date anyone for a while, there's no law against being single and just focusing on your business, wait until the right one comes along, that's better advice. 

But no, Mom Daphne can't wait either, she's married off her two older daughters and now she's focused on Milly, to the point where she takes out a personal ad on behalf of her daughter and she meets with all the men herself, to weed out the undesirables, and in a sexist, racist and possibly transphobic montage that makes absolutely no sense, Daphne rejects a long line of suitors for all kinds of reasons - this one sneezes, this one's foreign, this one has bad teeth and this one's a transsexual.  Huh?  Why would a trans person even answer this ad in the first place?  Mom's taking meetings with a lot of randos who either didn't even READ the ad or I guess wandered into the wrong restaurant by accident?  It's very stupid and also not funny.

But the ad produces ONE potential suitor, Jason, who is an architect and loves wine and Italian food and seems perfect.  Correct that, TWO potential suitors, because Johnny, the guy playing music in that café is very curious about the older woman conducting speed dating sessions in the corner, and when he finds out what's going on, he proposes himself as a match for Milly.  What? A musician?  Beat it, you damn hippie, you don't qualify, who can possibly fall in love with a musician, they never have any money and they live on tour and sleep with groupies and they couldn't possibly want to settle down with a nice WASP-y girl from, umm, Los Angeles?  NYC? I'm not even sure, but hit the bricks, you deadbeat guitar player!

Mom sets up a "chance" meeting between Milly and Jason by getting him to hire her catering company for a corporate party.  Meanwhile, Johnny decides to track down Milly on his own and have his own meet-cute by buying her ice cream from a truck.  Oh, these guys couldn't be more different, but Milly starts dating both of them, and then before long she's in a love triangle of her own creation (OK, half was her mother's creation) and isn't that just the classic romantic dilemma? 

Jason's single and eventually he suggests he might be thinking about proposing, while Johnny is a single dad with a kid who's on the spectrum, and a father who helps him take care of little Lionel.  Ah, it's the classic case of which to choose, love or money?  Oh, if only Milly had had a mother who taught her the most important lesson, to make her OWN decisions - since Mom didn't do this, Milly can't possibly decide between them, so she keeps dating both, and that's a no-win situation, it turns out. Eventually the two men find out about each other, and Mom's scheme with the personal ad is exposed, and Milly separates herself from her over-helpful mother.  Well, at least she got there, but there probably was a less painful way to go.  

Meanwhile, Mom finds herself in a very similar dilemma, Milly's rich boyfriend Jason wants to set her up with his rich uncle, but she instead finds herself drawn to Johnny's middle-class father.  Again, classic dilemma, to choose love or money, and Mom essentially makes the same choice as her daughter does, so why isn't THIS the focus of the last act, that Mom now understands the dilemma that her daughter had, choosing between two men, because she found herself in the same fix, and meanwhile now she understands that nobody can make that decision FOR Milly, not even her mother, and she has to grow the f*ck up and do that herself. 

Ugh, the comedy here is unbearable, like when it's revealed that Mom Daphne has never had an orgasm, though she's had three daughters apparently her husband never did sex right.  Well, come on, there's an easy enough fix for that, instead of asking her daughters what that feels like, why not just have one by herself?  It should be easy enough, why isn't that an option?  You may need a partner for sex, but you don't need one to have an orgasm.  Really, this is basic stuff and for the film to not acknowledge this, it's really stupid and not funny.  

Also stupid and not funny is showing Mom "accidentally" finding porn on the web and then suddenly she's also on the phone and she's forgotten how to lower the volume on her computer OR turn the monitor off OR press pause on the video OR even unplug the computer - any of these quick solutions would have solve the problem, but no, she chooses to keep smashing the keyboard randomly hoping for a miracle.  And this scenario happens not just once, but TWICE. Give me a break. 

Another repeated non-funny joke was to have Mom baking cakes for MIlly's catering business, and every time she tries to deliver one, something happens and Diane Keaton gets covered in cake or gets her face smashed into the frosting.  Somewhere out there in the world there's this ONE guy with a Diane Keaton frosting fetish, and God damn, but this is THAT guy's favorite movie. Still, he probably needs therapy.  But when mothers are involved, don't we all? 

Also starring Mandy Moore (last seen in "A Walk to Remember"), Gabriel Macht (last seen in "The Object of My Affection"), Tom Everett Scott (last seen in "The Love Letter"), Lauren Graham (last seen in "The Answer Man"), Piper Perabo (last seen in "Angel Has Fallen"), Stephen Collins (last seen in "Blood Diamond"), Ty Panitz, Matt Champagne (last seen in "The Giant Mechanical Man"), Colin Ferguson, Tony Hale (also last seen in "The Answer Man"), Sophina Brown, Karen Leigh Hopkins (last seen in "Going Berserk"), Gerald Downey (last seen in "Birds of Prey"), Ingrid Sanai Buron, Jennifer Bolton Lee, Alexis Rhee (last seen in "Black Panther"), Shu Lan Tuan (last seen in "Kill Bill: Vol. 1"), Steve Little (last seen in "The Ugly Truth"), John Ross Bowie (last seen in "Sex Drive"), Parvesh Cheena (last seen in "All I Wish"), Doug Budin, William Belli (last seen in "Cinema Verite"), Carlo Manchini, Mary Pat Gleason (last seen in "Blended"), Judi Barton (last seen in "The Hoax"), Rudolph Willrich (last seen in "The Front"), David Purdham (last seen in "The Aviator"), P.J. Byrne (last seen in "Babylon"), Nate Petre, Levi Chambers, Zachary Gordon (last seen in "The Brothers Bloom") with archive footage of Mario Battali. 

RATING: 4 out of 10 guitar class students

Poms

Year 16, Day 129 - 5/8/24 - Movie #4,728

BEFORE: OK, not a movie about mothers, or maybe is it?  I don't know, since I haven't watched it yet, but it's about older women, so some of them are bound to be mothers, right?  Maybe?  Taking a bit of a chance here, but this film sets up more Mother's Day themed material, so it's here as connective tissue, if nothing else. 

Pam Grier carries over from "Being Rose". 

THE PLOT: A comedy about a group of women who form a cheerleading squad at their retirement community, proving that you're never too old to "Bring it!"

AFTER: Aww, it's an adorable film about getting old and trying to do all the things that you meant to do but never got around to, before you die. It might be more sweet if it weren't more tragic, and vice versa.  Diane Keaton plays a woman with cancer who chooses to deal with it by NOT dealing with it, and by selling all her stuff and moving out of her NYC apartment to go live in a retirement community in Georgia.  And it seems like she cancels all her doctor's appointments and doesn't get a new primary doctor in her new state, so umm, that's either a good thing or a very bad thing.

Things do not go well at first, because she's got this weird new neighbor who is just a bit too friendly, and she's spent the last 40 years in New York, where you're not even supposed to notice strangers, let alone talk to them.  You don't need friends in NYC, unless you had them before you moved here - everyone you meet is either your competition or they're just plain in your way.  At best other people are a necessary annoyance. 

But despite this, Martha becomes friends with Sheryl and they want to start their own club in the community, which has a lot of rules about Christmas decorations and mowing lawns, so sure, why wouldn't they have rules about what kind of club you can start, how many members it needs to have, and whether it serves some kind of purpose?  And what is cheerleading's purpose, exactly?  To, umm, cheer on other sports, but somehow this activity became something of a sport of its own, I mean there are competitions that judge how well people cheer on other things, that does seem a bit ridiculous if you think about it. 

But, it's important for old people to stay active, and at least moving around and waving pom-poms counts as a form of exercise, it's better than mall-walking at least, provided somebody doesn't break a hip or something.  Naturally they have to cut out all the high-flying and the stunts and there's no senior citizen pyramid, because all of that is too dangerous, their bones are just way too brittle.  

There's a mix-up getting some practice space at the high school, and the seniors end up performing at a high-school pep rally, and of course all of the kids are not very kind, and one "Mean Girl" posts the video of the senior squad bumping into each other, which then goes viral and the senior cheerleaders are famous, but for the wrong reasons.  But it only makes them more determined, and they even blackmail one of the high-school girls into training them and showing them some new moves.  That's a great message for the world, if you can't beat them, just blackmail them into joining you, or something. 

But it works, and the seniors strut their stuff in a real competition by entering the "18-Plus" division, and just not mentioning how far over 18 they all are.  Multiply that age by 4 or 5 and you've got some idea.  This is a great fulfillment of a lifelong dream for Martha, who was close to becoming a cheerleader when she was in high school but then her mother got sick or she had to tend to wounded Civil War soldiers, one or the other, and she had to quit the squad.  So the message is that there's always a little time left to do the things you really wanted to do in life, like that's why there's the Seniors Tournament on "Jeopardy!", and it may take me that long to get there. There's always enough time, that is, until there isn't.  

Still, it's important that you follow every road you want to, and that you find your tribe, whatever age you are.  That's really the best way to get through this crazy thing we call life, otherwise if you're lucky enough to get old then you may feel like you wasted too much time on those stupid things called "jobs".  I mean, you realize that you're trading away HOURS of your life each day for what, money?  You don't get those hours back, you know, once they're gone, they're gone.  So there simply has to be a better way - please let me know if you discover one. 

Look, two of the actresses who played squad members have already passed away, and this film was released in 2019, that's not that long ago.  But I guess that's the chance you take when you cast a film and hire so many people over the age of 80.  That's "80 for Late-y".  I've got to cut this review a bit short tonight for two reasons - I've got to figure out the path to Father's Day before I can watch the next movie (there are several ways to arrange the next three or four films, and I've got to make sure the order I pick connects) and also, I've got to get up super early tomorrow and open up the theater at 8 am.  So I guess no sugar, no caffeine and no movie tonight, I'll just work out the next segment of the chain and then it's off to bed.

Also starring Diane Keaton (last seen in "Book Club: The Next Chapter"), Jacki Weaver (last seen in "Equals"), Celia Weston (last seen in "Igby Goes Down"), Alisha Boe (last seen in "Yes, God, Yes"), Charlie Tahan (last seen in "The Land of Steady Habits"), Rhea Perlman (last seen in "Barbie"), Phyllis Somerville (last seen in "Swimfan"), Patricia French (last seen in "Hall Pass"), Ginny MacColl, Carol Sutton (last seen in "Jeff, Who Lives at Home"), Bruce McGill (last seen in "Elizabethtown"), Alexandra Ficken, Dave Maldonado (last seen in "The Tomorrow War"), Karen Beyer (last seen in "One Missed Call"), Sharon Blackwood (last seen in "Loving"), Afemo Omilami (last seen in "The Best of Enemies"), Frank Hoyt Taylor (last seen in "October Sky"), Josephine Roth, Angela Mitchell Kronenburg, John Atwood (last seen in "Richard Jewell"), Leon Lamar (last seen in "No Good Deed"), Dorothy Steel (last seen in "Black Panther: Wakanda Forever"), John Paul Kakos.

RATING: 6 out of 10 parking spaces for golf carts

Being Rose

Year 16, Day 128 - 5/7/24 - Movie #4,727 - MOTHER'S DAY FILM #1

BEFORE: Cybill Shepherd carries over from "Once Upon a Crime". Really, this is the only justification I can think of for watching a stinker of a movie like that unfunny comedy, as it helps me clear "Being Rose" off the list, and today's film has been on the list for a very long time, probably four or five years.  I figured I might get to it some Mother's Day, and if not, then I thought, who knows, maybe it could get me out of a linking jam someday, like if some channel aired that sequel to "The Last Picture Show", which was called "Texasville", which isn't on any of my lists right now, but, hey, it could have been.  Instead it's fulfilling a purpose this year as my first official Mother's Day film, and I know the holiday isn't until Sunday, but I've still got a few more Mother-based films, and anyway we're hitting the road on Monday to drive down South and visit my mother and father.  It's still weird to think they live below the Mason-Dixon line after they both spent 82 years living in Massachusetts.  But look, tonight's film is about traveling a great distance to visit family, so really, it couldn't be more appropriate, maybe. 

THE PLOT: A widowed ex-cop discovers that she may have a life-threatening illness, and goes on a solo road trip in a motorized wheelchair to visit her son and explore the beauty of the Southwest. On her journey, Rose meets - and falls in love with - Max, an old cowboy who comes to a crossroads of his own. 

AFTER: This film calls to mind "The Straight Story", a film from 1999 about an older man traveling a long distance by lawnmower to mend his relationship with his brother.  Really, if you just change "brother" to "son" and "lawnmower" to "wheelchair" you can probably see how it's essentially the same film at heart.  But that other film was directed by David Lynch and got a lot of attention and an Oscar nomination, and "Being Rose", well, not so much on all those counts. 

Still, it's good to see Cybill Shepherd still active, at least she was in 2017 at the age of what, 67?  There are still parts for actresses over 40, like Annette Bening's still working and Diane Keaton's still getting roles - they've all had to adjust to playing older characters, duh, and maybe they don't get to pick and choose roles or they have to wait a bit longer for the right role to come along, but let's be real, "The Last Picture Show" was released in 1971 and that was 46 years before "Being Rose". 

This is still a romance of sorts, because older people need love too, and her character meets a recently-divorced cowboy who couldn't make things last by marrying a woman who was 20 years younger - inevitably those two people are going to want different things out of life, or the younger wife is going to get tired of waiting for her older husband to die.  Naturally, Max thinks he'll do better with a woman born in the same decade as him, and so maybe he comes on a little too strong when he sees Rose smoking marijuana and doing donuts in her wheelchair, but come on, that's somebody's dream girl, maybe even his.  Max offers her a ride and so she gets a little sidetracked on her journey, but an old ranch-hand's horse farm is probably a fine place to waste a little time.  (Sam Elliott was probably the second choice for the role, if James Brolin hadn't been available...)

But Rose may not be ready for a new relationship, since her husband passed away less than a year ago, and also she's a little focused on this terminal illness.  So that means a roll in the hay with a cowboy isn't off the table, but a long-term thing just isn't where her head's at.  The main purpose of the trip was to visit her son and try to make things right.  Will's still angry with her for not letting him see his dying father in the hospital, so he feels he missed the chance to settle things before his father died, but come on, it was his father's choice to not let his son see him during his last days, so he shouldn't hold Rose responsible for that.  Anyway, did Will even have time, considering his time-consuming heroin addiction? 

There's almost a hypocrisy here, because Rose smokes marijuana, and her son shoots heroin, but for her it's medicinal, and now just a few years after this film was made, pot's legal in maybe half of these Un-United States now, while heroin is not.  I'm actually fine with drawing the line right there, pot YES and heroin NO, except for the fact that some people might start with pot and let it become a gateway drug to harder things.  Know when to say when, I guess, or just take the win on pot being legal in your state and try to be satisfied with that, I guess. 

Anyway, the film is about devotion, which is a necessary thing if you decide to ride your wheelchair for a few hundred miles, rather than just taking the bus.  OK, umm, why doesn't she just take the bus?  She was on the bus and it broke down or something, but which is it, did she ride the wheelchair because the bus broke down, or was the wheelchair always the plan?  It's a bit unclear, that's all. This is a difficult thing for some people, but part of growing old is learning how to accept the help you need from other people, whether that's a ride to another city or getting your wheelchair recharged, or taking relationship advice from the woman you met at the spa.  It doesn't make you weak or less of a person if you accept someone's help.  

I really should check at the end of the year which movie I watched in 2024 had the smallest box office - today's film grossed just $6,200, and that's if I round up.  If you're playing along at home you can catch this one on Roku, Tubi or Freevee, and I think that last one's part of AmazonPrime, so if you have that service, you've also got Freevee.  Anyway if it's streaming for free don't go into it expecting "Citizen Kane", that's all.  As you may imagine, the film has a bit of a bummer ending, but won't we all? 

Also starring James Brolin (last seen in "A Guy Thing"), Pam Grier (last seen in "The Man with the Iron Fists"), Cindy Pickett (last seen in "She's Having a Baby"), Julio Cesar Cedillo (last seen in "The Harder They Fall"), Erik Fellows, Amy Davidson, Aimee Williams, Mary Maxson, Delana Michaels, Mark Vasconcellos, Melissa Chambers, Price Hall, Joe Loiaza, Stephen Burhoe, Michael Guajardo, Phil Duran, Mischa DeWalt, Cassandra Rochelle Fetters, Luke Mauldin. 

RATING: 5 out of 10 people crowded in the hot-tub at the spa

Once Upon a Crime...

Year 16, Day 127 - 5/6/24 - Movie #4,726

BEFORE: Sorry if my posts are coming late, I'm working every day until Friday, and some of these shifts are very long, it's thesis presentation time at the college, and that means each department books the theater to either show the students' films or their PowerPoint presentations, whichever.  Yesterday was the BFA Film program, and the films were all shown in one block, from 2:30 pm to 8:00 pm, that meant I had to be there at noon to open up and help get the theater ready, and after there was a reception in the lobby, so I couldn't lock up until about 11:15 pm. There's not much time to recover, because I have to be there at 8 am tomorrow, for the thesis presentations from a different department.

Still, I watched a movie last night even though I got home after midnight - one of the great things about New York City is I can work until 11 pm or midnight and still get home on the subway, I'd be too tired to drive home after an 11-hour shift, but I'm never too tired to take the subway.  A little Mountain Dew and some snack cakes (Funny Bones, or Yodels, whichever) and I'm likely to make it through a movie, provided it's short and doesn't suck.

James Belushi carries over from "Destiny Turns on the Radio". 

THE PLOT: Phoebe and a fellow American in Rome find a dog with a $5,000 reward. They take a train to the owner in Monte Carlo, who ends up murdered. They run and become suspects, along with 3 other Americans from the train. 

AFTER: Well, one out of two ain't bad, this movie is very short, only 94 minutes, but man, does it suck.  There's just nothing funny about it, despite casting some very funny people, like Richard Lewis and John Candy and it being directed by another very funny person, Eugene Levy.  What the hell went wrong here?  How do you make a comedy mystery and forget to put both comedy and mystery in it?  It's largely about dumb, loud Americans in Europe doing dumb, loud things like gambling in Monte Carlo and trying to return a lost dachshund to its very rich owner, but everything keeps going wrong for everybody, and not even in a funny way.  

First problem, we watch these two non-dating loud dumb Americans try to bring this dog back to its home by train, only there's some dumb rule about a dog needing proof of vaccination papers, which I'm guessing the screenwriter just made up, the French (?) train conductors probably don't even care about this, they just needed one more thing to go wrong, in addition to the other things that are going wrong, and hey, you know what, if you string enough things that go wrong together maybe at some point the whole movie just goes wrong, that's what this kind of feels like.  So they are kicked off the train and have to take a bus, and in the extra time it takes to get there, somebody murders the dog's owner, and they both run off because they think they'll get blamed for killing this woman.  But the simple act of running away makes them LOOK guilty, why can't they understand this?  An innocent person would call the police and report the murder, because they knew they didn't do it, so if they wanted to look innocent they should have done the right thing.  But already in this paragraph I've shown that I thought about this more than the screenwriter did.

This is all based on an Italian comedy film from 1960 that was meant as a spoof of murder mysteries, or maybe a farce, I'm not exactly sure what the difference is.  I think with a spoof you are making fun of a specific film or genre, but in a farce it's just exaggerated circumstances and ridiculous situations without imitating a particular piece of work.  I guess maybe this could be both a spoof and a farce, is that right? 

The train also has a married couple on it, and they're from New Jersey and going to Monte Carlo to gamble, because Mr. Schwary learned some "foolproof" system for beating roulette, which is also stupid because it's a random game of chance and there can't possibly be a system for beating it, not alternating between red and black, not picking the same number three times in a row, literally nothing works.  Mr. Schwary is always arguing with Mrs. Schwary, which makes me hate them both because he's a narcissistic asshole and she stays with him, so she must be a submissive self-hating doormat.  I can't like either of these characters as long as they keep acting like that.  It this how Europeans see Americans, though?  We're big, dumb, loud and hopelessly neurotic - actually they may be on to something here. 

They also meet Augie Morosco on the train, he claims to be a reformed gambling addict, and also for some reason he buys the dog that the other two characters are trying to transport by train, only Phoebe really wants to deliver it to it's rightful owner, Madame van Dougan, and Augie won't sell it back. Jeez, who cares?  Why can't they just bring the woman some other dachshund and pocket the reward, don't all of those dogs look alike?  All they really need is the dog's ID bracelet. 

Eventually all of the four tourists get arrested by the Monaco police, two because they were at the scene of the murder and the other two because somehow the dead woman's body ended up in their suitcase, which doesn't work comedically either because the body would be stiff with rigor mortis at some point and then you can't pack it into a suitcase, also the smell of decomp would be horrible, I think everyone in the train station would know if somebody tried to bring a suitcase with a dead person with them on the train.  So nothing is funny AND nothing really makes sense here, that's a terrible combination. 

It's a bit weird that Giancarlo Giannini plays a European police captain here, and he also played one the last time I saw him, in "Book Club: The Next Chapter". Is it me or does he always play police captains or secret agent bureau chiefs?  

There's a lot of talent here, so why does it feel like somebody didn't know what to do with it?  The situations of traveling on the train with a corpse, gambling to the point of losing control, even Morosco trying to use his wife as an alibi when he (and we) knows that his wife was with another man the night in question, there's just nothing FUNNY about any of this.  And now that Richard Lewis has passed away, in addition to John Candy being dead, a lot of this is just sad now, but at least that's something, it was never going to be funny.  (John Candy died two years after this film was released, and Richard Lewis passed away earlier THIS year.)

Dare I even ask how a dog that belongs to someone in Monte Carlo gets found in Rome?  Was it dog-napped and brought there, or did it walk to Rome from Monaco?  With such little legs, that would take longer than the lifespan of the dog...

Two terrible films in a row has a definite impact on me - I do like some of these actors, but this is such a waste of their talents.  I need to watch something more positive, very quickly. 

Also starring John Candy (last seen in "The Amazing Johnathan Documentary"), Cybill Shepherd (last seen in "They'll Love Me When I'm Dead"), Sean Young (last seen in "A Kiss Before Dying"), Richard Lewis (last seen in "The Super Bob Einstein Movie"), Ornella Muti (last seen in 'To Rome with Love"), Giancarlo Giannini (last seen in "Book Club: The Next Chapter"), George Hamilton (last seen in "Natalie Wood: What Remains Behind"), Roberto Sbaratto, Joss Ackland (last seen in "K-19: The Widowmaker"), Ann Way (last seen in "The Dresser" (1983)), Geoffrey Andrews, Caterina Boratto, Elsa Martinelli (last seen in 'The V.I.P.s"), Georges Carlo, Benedetto Fenna, Eugene Levy (last seen in "The Ladies Man").

RATING: 3 out of 10 fake passports

Destiny Turns on the Radio

Year 16, Day 126 - 5/5/24 - Movie #4,725

BEFORE: I always kind of wondered about this film, it's not a Tarantino film but it's got Tarantino in it as an actor, so I'm kind of curious about that. And it's been on the list for a VERY long time, yet now the linking has brought it right to the top.  I've learned not to question that when it happens, even if the film is terrible, well, at least now it will be gone from the list and I can move on to bigger and better things. 

David Cross carries over again from "It's a Disaster". And another big birthday SHOUT-out to Lisa Jane Persky, born May 5, 1955. 

THE PLOT: After 3 years in prison, Julian breaks out and returns to get his half from the bank robbery and see Lucille again. But the Devil took the loot and Tuerto took Lucille. 

AFTER: Wow, this is almost exactly the same storyline as "Tell" - a guy gets out of prison after two or three years, returns to where he last lived and finds his old partner, and also the woman he was living with who is now living with someone else, or so she says.  He also has to outmaneuver two cops/agents who are following him to find the stolen money.  There are some differences, though, like in "Tell" the lead character stashed the money and eventually gets back to his hiding place, and in "Destinty" the partner lost the money when a mystical figure stole his car.  Also in "Tell" the lead's ex claims to be raising his child, and in "Destiny", the lead's ex is currently pregnant and claims that this is from her having sex with the lead character in a dream while he was still in prison.

Yeah, about that, there's a lot here that just doesn't make sense at all, like Tarantino's character, who came into this world via a crack in a motel swimming pool, which resulted from a lightning storm.  The IMDB states in its synopsis that this is the Devil - why, just because he came from below?  The portal could have come from anywhere, like another point on Earth or even outer space, and why are we even arguing about this when the movie doesn't make any sense anyway?  Also, you can't get somebody pregnant when you're miles away from each other and having some kind of dream sex together.  Right? 

After escaping prison, Julian gets a ride out of the desert from Johnny Destiny, who he notices drives a road runner car, just like the one his ex-partner drove.  It's too bad Julian doesn't realize that it IS the same car, Johnny stole it from Thoreau, but he finds that out later - otherwise he could just save some time and get the bank job loot back from him right there, instead of having to wait until the end of the movie.  

After a few flashbacks about how he met Lucille, Julian gets back together with her, just before she's going to perform her cabaret show for the famous talent agent, Vinnie Vidivici.  Something very Julius Caesar-like about that name.  This is all very silly, like who even DOES a cabaret act in Vegas any more, and sings standards like "That Old Black Magic".  Oh, right, this film came out in 1995, but even then, I think acts like that were very passé.  Maybe there's something kind of timeless about this film, in addition to it also being terrible and narratively very stupid. 

If Johnny Destiny was the Devil, why did he steal the car and the money. Oh, right, yeah, he's evil then.  OK, then why did he give both BACK, and where was he for three years, just driving around with Thoreau's car and a trunk full of stolen money?  Dang it, that maybe would be EXACTLY what the Devil would do, he wouldn't need money, but he'd take delight in keeping it away from the people it belonged to, even if they also stole it.  But he does need Thoreau to fix the crack in the pool so he can use the next lightning storm to get back to wherever it is he came from, whether that's Hell or outer space or even Atlantic City.

So many other questions, like what the hell did Lucille see in Tuerto?  Why is she so eager to leave town with Julian, considering she just got offered a big recording contract?  Why not stay in Vegas and see how that pans out?  For that matter, why does Julian need to leave town, now that he got his half of the money from the heist?  Let's face it, nothing really adds up here, there's no story arc, no denouement, just a bunch of things that happen before people jump into the fixed swimming pool and teleport to wherever.  What a cop-out.  At 102 minutes long, that's a lot of movie for almost nothing to happen in it.

This movie is so bad that it was released on VHS and laser-disc, but NEVER on DVD or Blu-Ray.  The silence of people who want to see this film is practically deafening.  It's available digitally but apparently there was never a call to put it on physical media, because well, who would want that? 

Also starring Dylan McDermott (last seen in "Nobody Walks"), Nancy Travis (last seen in "The Jane Austen Book Club"), James Le Gros (last seen in "Nostalgia"), Quentin Tarantino (last heard in "Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood"), James Belushi (last seen in "The Whole Truth"), Janet Carroll (last seen in "Forces of Nature"), Richard Edson (last seen in "Desperately Seeking Susan"), Bobcat Goldthwait (last seen in "World's Greatest Dad"), Barry Shabaka Henley (last seen in "Carrie" (2013)), Lisa Jane Persky (last seen in "I Am Divine"), Sarah Trigger (last seen in "Pet Sematary II"), Tracey Walter (last seen in "Beloved"), Allen Garfield (last seen in "Nashville"), Che Lujan.

RATING: 3 out of 10 motel rooms named after Marilyn Monroe movies.