Thinner

Year 2, Day 296 - 10/23/10 - Movie #662

BEFORE: Last day of our mini-vacation - yesterday we took a lunchtime boat trip around Lake George, then we went to check out a very cheezy tourist attraction - the House of Frankenstein Wax Museum. I guess it would be a very scary Halloween attraction if you were a small child, which was the perfect level of spookiness for me - a bunch of wax figures and mannequins in torture chamber settings, or re-enacting scenes from various horror films. Finally, after dinner at Giuseppe's, I watched a sort of auction on the local public-access channel, where Halloween costumes and other items were being sold to people who were phoning in their bids. The TV upstate was very strange, but I sort of got hooked on it, especially the public access channel.

THE PLOT: A lawyer is cursed by a gypsy to lose weight...and lose weight...and lose weight...

AFTER: Like Alfred Hitchcock and Stan Lee, Stephen King has made a habit of playing cameo roles in films based on his stories - here he plays a small-town pharmacist who witnesses the death of an old Gypsy woman. As in last night's film, the set-up for the supernatural situation involves a car accident - and this was written (and filmed) years before the author's famous van accident in 1999.

This time the driver in the accident, Billy Halleck, gets cursed by an old Gypsy, which causes him to lose weight at an alarming rate, no matter what he eats, or how much. Some might call that a blessing, but obviously it's got its drawbacks also.

So Halleck's in a race to track down the Gypsy and convince him to reverse the curse, before he wastes away to nothing. His friend and fellow lawyer tries to help him by threatening the Gypsy, but this just escalates the conflict, and makes things worse.

To me, the ending just seemed very mean-spirited, and I was left wondering which system is fairer - Gypsy justice, or the American legal system.

Starring Robert John Burke (last seen in "Good Night, and Good Luck", but more famous for his roles on "Rescue Me" and "Law + Order: SVU"), Joe Mantegna (last heard in "The Simpsons Movie"), Daniel Von Bargen (last seen in "The Majestic") and Kari Wuhrer (as the Gypsy man's hot granddaughter)

RATING: 4 out of 10 smoothies

SPOOK-O-METER: 6 out of 10. Although the actor was in fact thin, and wore a fat suit for the early scenes, the later emaciated effects are rather disturbing.

The Dead Zone

Year 2, Day 295 - 10/22/10 - Movie #661

BEFORE: Day 3 in Lake George, NY - with no internet access, but my wife was kind enough to bring along her laptop so I could continue to watch movies, after she goes to sleep. Lake George is a beautiful town (yesterday we hit the outlet malls and went to a wine tasting, then hit the casino in Saratoga) but it's fairly deserted, which is kind of spooky. We're staying in a small cabin/cottage that's part of a motel complex - and I figured that would enhance the Stephen King experience - aren't they all set in spooky cabins, out in the woods? I know they're mostly set in Maine, not upstate NY, but the feeling could be similar.

THE PLOT: A man awakens from a coma to discover he has a psychic detective ability.

AFTER: The first few minutes of this film name-check both Edgar Allen Poe AND "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow", the latter of which was set in upstate New York - Tarrytown, to be exact. And the star of this film, Christopher Walken (last seen in "Hairspray"), later had appeared in the 1999 film "Sleepy Hollow".

This movie illustrates the folly of attributing human and natural events to nebulous concepts like Luck, or the Grace of God. A man survives a car accident - is he lucky or blessed? Wouldn't it have been luckier to not be in the accident at all? A man comes out of a coma after 5 years - and people call it a miracle. So what about the coma itself, didn't God have a hand in that as well? Here a man is blessed/cursed with the ability of second sight - by touching someone's hand, he can see their future, or warn them of danger.

The best metaphor for predicting the future is seen at the beginning of the film, when Johnny Smith (Walken) rides on a roller coaster. When on a coaster, you might be able to see the general direction of the track, but you can still be surprised by each sudden curve, and you probably can't see ahead more than one turn at a time. Plus, you know your ride will end at some point, but you can't tell exactly when.

Of course, one of the great historical/time travel thought questions is - if you could travel back in time to when Hitler was a baby, would you try to kill him? This film explores that dilemma when Smith meets a charismatic politician with a dark future. He's got to decide whether assassinating this man would be better for the world - after all, why be given the ability to see the future without the power to change it? Which, in my mind, raises another interesting thought question - what if Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK to save the world? What if he knew, for example, that Kennedy would, accidentally or on purpose, destroy the world? What if Oswald did what he did to save humanity? I'm just askin'...

Very appropriate to watch this right before the mid-term elections, too.

Also starring Martin Sheen (carrying over from last night's film), Brooke Adams (last seen in "The Great Train Robbery"), Tom Skerritt (last seen in "The Rookie"), and Herbert Lom (most famous for playing Inspector Clouseau's boss/nemesis in the "Pink Panther" films)

RATING: 5 out of 10 campaign posters

SPOOK-O-METER: 3 out of 10. A couple of gory deaths and some gunshots, but again not too many things I would associate with a horror movie.

Firestarter

Year 2, Day 294 - 10/21/10 - Movie #660

BEFORE: We drove upstate yesterday, to Lake George, NY, for a few days of R&R, which we definitely both deserve. We haven't taken a true vacation, or even a road trip, since the spring - I did go to visit my parents in June, and to San Diego in July, but neither really counted as a vacation. However, it seems we may have delayed our fall getaway a bit too long, since 1/2 of the town of Lake George is already shut down for the season, and most of the restaurants are open only on the weekends - but still we found a great BBQ restaurant, the Barnsider, for my birthday dinner.

I'm going to wrap up Shock-tober with a Stephen King marathon, and since last night's film name-checked the film "Carrie", I feel I'm justified - plus both "Omen IV" and tonight's film both feature young girls with evil powers.

THE PLOT: A couple who participated in a potent medical experiment gain telekinetic ability and then have a child who is pyrokinetic.

AFTER: This was a relatively tame way to kick off the Stephen King chain (although technically I suppose I kicked it off with "The Shining" and "Silver Bullet"). Other than a few pyrokinetic outbursts, there's not much shock value here - in fact, most of the film is pretty boring, and feels longer than it needs to be.

We see flashbacks of the drug experiment that gives a couple psychic powers, and causes their daughter to inherit different fire-based powers. The father and daughter are on the run for the first half of the film, and held in captivity by the guvmint in the second half.

I'm not sure I buy the theory that says that if the little girl can turn a cinder block into, well, cinders, she could someday destroy the earth with her power - it seems like a rather large leap in logic. Isn't it safe to assume that someone's mental power might have some kind of limit?

And apparently this film takes place before the American Fire Safety Council developed the "Stop, Drop and Roll" method for dealing with being on fire - so the effects of the little girl's ability are enhanced by her victims' panic.

Starring Drew Barrymore (last heard in "Curious George"), David Keith (last seen in "The Two Jakes"), Martin Sheen (last seen in "The American President"), Heather Locklear, George C. Scott (last seen in "The Hustler"), Art Carney (last seen in "Last Action Hero"), Louise Fletcher (last seen in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"), with a cameo from Antonio "Huggy Bear" Vargas.

RATING: 4 out of 10 asbestos suits

SPOOK-O-METER: 2 out of 10. Charlie ends up blowin' stuff up real good. But not very scary.

Omen IV: The Awakening

Year 2, Day 293 - 10/20/10 - Movie #659

BEFORE: Once again, my birthday has come around (39? Again? Imagine that...) and I'm afraid this year I don't have an appropriate film, or even one I feel very connected to - at least last year I watched some creepy Edgar Allen Poe films... It's too bad my birthday comes smack in the middle of Shock-tober, since I'm not even a huge fan of horror films. I guess I'll reward myself by finishing off another franchise, even though this entry in the "Omen" series was technically a TV movie, a clear violation of my rules. But hey, it came in the "Omen" box set, so it counts, right?

THE PLOT: Damien Thorn's prophecy is reborn in a mysterious girl named Delia, who is adopted by two attorneys.

AFTER: I didn't see the connection to the other films in the series at first - probably because the filmmakers neglected to include any, for the first 2/3 of the film. I guess Damien's spirit had to go somewhere, since they did a rather incorrect job of dispatching him in "Omen III" (the not-so-Final Conflict, as it turns out...)

Delia's adoption causes a spontaneous eclipse (whatever that is...again we've got troubles with real-world astronomy), but shouldn't that have happened at the time of her birth? She also seems to be able to cause arbitrary earthquakes, invert crosses, and make priests and nuns convulse in pain. If you experience convulsions around this young girl, please consult your doctor - or the nearest exorcist.

Once again we've got the Rottweiler hellhound, and the unlikely "accidents" that befall anyone who gets too close to the truth. This was filmed during the New Age-y 90's (good times...) so there's a bunch of stuff about inner light and crystals mixed in with the quotes from the Book of Revelation. Delia's visit to the Psychic Fair results in it being burned down - but really, who invited the clowns and the fire-jugglers to the Psychic Fair? It's not a circus, this is science! (sort of...)

More creepy nannies, even creepier doctors, and a conspiracy that reaches all the way up to...a political action committee! Who could have dreamed that they would be so corrupt? Say it ain't so...jeez, if you can't trust lobbyists, who can you trust? But I didn't realize that Satan's interests were being represented in Congress - I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.

The eventual resurrection of Damien strains the boundaries of believability - not to mention the human reproductive system. And Delia's adoptive mother learns that once you go down into the rabbit hole that is the Book of Revelation (or the prophecies of Nostradamus, for that matter) you start to see all the connections, real or imagined, and it's hard to get yourself back to reality. You're riding on the rails of the crazy train...

Starring Faye Grant, Michael Woods, and character actors Michael Lerner (last seen in "Art School Confidential") and Don Davis (last seen in "Con Air" but more famous for appearing in "Twin Peaks" and the "Stargate" TV series).

RATING: 3 out of 10 headstones. An unfortunate and unnecessary end to the franchise.

SPOOK-O-METER: 2 out of 10. The girl is nasty, but honestly, so are a lot of 10-year old girls. And most of the accidents are fairly explainable - a woman walked into a pit of snakes, and wasn't prepared to get bitten? That's just bad planning.

Omen III: The Final Conflict

Year 2, Day 292 - 10/19/10 - Movie #658

BEFORE: I think I might have seen part of this one when I was a kid - I was drinking the Catholic Kool-Aid, and so I was interested in the Book of Revelation stuff, sort of enamored with the approach of the year 2000 and the "end times". But as we know now, it was just a bunch of illogical conclusions based on incoherent prophecy and unfounded assumptions.

THE PLOT: The now adult Antichrist plots to eliminate his future divine opponent while a cabal of monks plot to stop him.

AFTER: Well, this wasn't at all like I remember - so maybe I hadn't seen it before, or not much of it, anyway. By the third film, with the AntiChrist all grown up, you've really got to raise the stakes - I want to see rivers of blood and the sky filled with fire, the Four Horsemen riding through the clouds, war and famine and pestilence. Yet all we get here are more of the "accidents" that surround Damien Thorn. Car crashes, people falling into rivers, attacked by dogs...it's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel ripped off.

Yes, Damien's got a goal in mind, after taking over his father's company, and that's being named Ambassador to England - which we all know is the true "Power Position" in global politics. (Really? Why not President of the U.S.? Aim high, son of Satan!)

It seems that the Second Coming of Christ is predicted to be born in England, when the stars "align" in a particular fashion. Astronomically, we know this is B.S., right? Stars don't align, and they don't converge - they all move independently, and what changes is Earth's position relative to the stars. See, I paid attention in astronomy class...

So Damien sets out on a Herod-like quest to kill all the babies born in England on that day when the stars aligned (again, not possible) over the U.K. He uses all the power of his company, and his ambassadorship (Ooooh....) to get his followers to kill some innocent babies. Really, Damien? Does that make you feel like a BIG man, killing babies? You know the holy one's going to slip through, right? History repeats itself, and all that?

They completely screwed up the timeline with this film - the first film was released in 1976, and set in 1976, and Damien was 5 years old, born in 1971. In this film, set in 1982, Damien is an adult, and they make reference to the fact that he's been running his late father's company for seven years, ever since 1971. So he took over his father's company at the tender age of...zero? And he's an 11-year-old adult?

Starring Sam Neill, Lisa Harrow, and Don Gordon (last seen in "Bullitt") Also, character actor Mason Adams as the President.

RATING: 4 out of 10 beagles

SPOOK-O-METER: 6 out of 10. Sam Neill makes a convincing AntiChrist - and convincing regular people to commit suicide or kill their infants is pretty low. And scary.

Damien: Omen II

Year 2, Day 291 - 10/18/10 - Movie #657

BEFORE: Fast-forward 7 or 8 years, and Damien is back - and so is that creepy Latin choral music that sounds like an evil version of "Carmina Burana". Did you ever notice that you don't meet too many people named Damien any more? That's because of these films, I bet. I went back and read my review of "The Omen" remake from last year, and I realized I forgot to turn on the Spook-O-Meter for this year's horror films - I'll have to back and fix those reviews.

THE PLOT: Damien the Antichrist, now age 13, finally learns of his destiny under the guidance of an unholy disciple of Satan.

AFTER: Looks like they took my advice, and shipped Damien off to boarding school - actually a military academy. That's a relief - the son of Satan can't get into much trouble in the military, now can he?

Once again, the people who figure out Damien's true nature all seem to meet with untimely demises - some of which are rather graphic.

They also explain a bit about what we saw in the first film - somehow Damien's mother was a jackal? How did that work, exactly? Must have been an interesting courtship...

Unfortunately, this is pretty much a re-tread of the first film, the only difference being that this time, Damien knows who he is, and figures out how to make these "accidents" occur to the people who cross him.

And the movie takes liberty with aging Damien - this sequel was released just two years after "The Omen", but the kid aged 7 or 8 years. Neat trick.

Starring William Holden (last seen in "The Wild Bunch"), Lee Grant (last seen in "Airport '77"), Lance Henriksen (last seen in "Powder"), Robert Foxworth (also last seen in "Airport '77"), Nicholas Pryor (last seen in "Hoffa"), Leo McKern (again), and Allan Arbus (most famous for playing Dr. Sidney Freedman on "M*A*S*H"), also Meschach Taylor (later famous for being on the sitcom "Designing Women").

RATING: 4 out of 10 headstones

SPOOK-O-METER: 7 out of 10. Creepy teenager is creepy. Also, some pretty nasty death scenes - I'll bet this inspired films like "Final Destination".

The Omen (1976)

Year 2, Day 290 - 10/17/10 - Movie #656

BEFORE: I watched the remake of this film last October, and I think I've only read the MAD Magazine parody of the original, so let's knock off another franchise before I go on vacation later this week.

Boy, it was really tempting to hold off a few days and make this movie #666. But when I blocked out the month, I couldn't make it work that way - so more about movie #666 later.

THE PLOT: An American ambassador learns to his horror that his son is actually the literal Antichrist.

AFTER: From the decade that brought you "The Exorcist" and "Rosemary's Baby" - this film took advantage of a very particular moment in time - the baby boomers were having children, and the end of the millennium was just a few decades away. So, if Satan was going to bring about the Apocalypse in 1999, (666 upside-down, sort of...) he'd have to plant the seed, so to speak, in the mid-1970's, so his demon-child would be an adult at the right time.

So Damien is born on June 6 (6/6) in...1971? That doesn't seem right. OK, so the movie explains he was born at 6 am on June 6 - there's your third 6. But was this based on a book in which he was born on 6/6/1966? And maybe it took a few years to get the movie made? At least the remake was released on 6/6/06...

So how do you know if your child is a real demon-spawn, or just prone to tantrums? I'm sure there are some parents out there who are willing to believe that their child acts demonically when he or she misbehaves... But maybe they don't have the hounds of hell defending them, or have odd accidents happen to the people around them...and they probably don't have that demonic choral soundtrack that follows them around.

I've got to call shenanigans on Hollywood's notion that animals - dogs, monkeys, giraffes, etc. - are more able to spot demonic children (or werewolves, for that matter) than people are. Do animals even have souls, according to the Church?

One easy solution to the problem of a demon child: boarding school. And the prophetic photographs? Well, early in the film you see Ambassador Thorn knock the camera out of the photographer's hands, so it's not too much of a stretch to think that the camera was damaged, which of course affected the photos...

Still, this goes down as a horror classic, from a simpler time before zombies, serial killers, chainsaw massacres, and evil deathtraps. When movies relied on suspense instead of blatant gore. Though there are a couple of gruesome deaths here - now, if it were me, and I saw a sharp lightning rod falling off a building, I'd step out of the way, but what do I know?

Starring the great Gregory Peck (last seen in "Cape Fear"), Lee Remick, David Warner (last seen in "The Company of Wolves"), and Leo McKern (last seen in "The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother"). Also a cameo by Bruce Boa, who later played General Rieekan in "The Empire Strikes Back" - the rebel General on Hoth who accepts Han Solo's "resignation" - hey, he's on my autograph wall!

RATING: 5 out of 10 baboons

SPOOK-O-METER: 4 out of 10. Who's a cute Antichrist? You're a cute Antichrist!

Blade: Trinity

Year 2, Day 289 - 10/16/10 - Movie #655

BEFORE: Wrapping up another franchise tonight, and a vampire mini-chain.

THE PLOT: Blade, now a wanted man by the FBI, must join forces with the Nightstalkers to face his most challenging enemy yet: Dracula.

AFTER: In addition to adding Dracula (often called "Drake" in this film for some reason) into the mix, this film also adds more heroes from Marvel Comics, the Nightstalkers (Hannibal King and Abigail Whistler).

As the original vampire, Dracula's got some unique abilities, like enhanced shape-changing, immunity to sunlight, and one of those gross bi-sected jaws seen on the Reaper vamps in the previous film. A group of vampires awakens him to study his abilities, in order to create new vampires with his powers.

There are some neat twists here, as we learn over time which humans might actually be working for the vampires, but unfortunately, what really draws the film out is the constant reliance on martial arts - I just don't understand why the heroes choose to engage the vampires in hand-to-hand combat, when they have silver bullets, silver arrows, silver knives, silver-dust bombs, etc. Why allow a vampire to even get close, when a projectile weapon seems to be so much more accurate, and a heck of a lot safer?

It just seems like a way to draw the action out and keep the battle from ending - but I've never really been a martial arts fan, maybe some people would find some beauty in it.

Starring Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Ryan Reynolds (last seen in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"), Jessica Biel (last seen in "The Illusionist"), Parker Posey (last seen in "Superman Returns"), Dominic Purcell (last seen in "Mission: Impossible 2"), Natasha Lyonne (last seen in "Kate & Leopold"), and wrestler Triple H, with cameos from John Michael Higgins (last seen in "Yes Man"), Eric Bogosian (last seen in "Talk Radio"), and Patton Oswalt (last seen in "Observe and Report") as the "gadget guy".

RATING: 5 out of 10 skylights

SPOOK-O-METER: 7 out of 10. Dracula gets kicked up a notch for modern times.