Stage Door

Year 3, Day 15 - 1/15/11 - Movie #745

BEFORE: It may seem odd to go from a vulgar Kevin Smith film to a refined classic of the silver screen, but actors are actors, right? And the struggle of up-and-coming actors makes for a timeless story. I think I saw my sister perform in a stage version of this when I was in junior-high, but it's tough to remember anything about the plot.

THE PLOT: A boardinghouse full of aspiring actresses and their ambitions, dreams and disappointments.

AFTER: This is like a who's who of young actresses in 1937, some who had long and impressive careers, and some who didn't. Which is in essence what the film is about, the fact that only some of the actresses rooming at the boarding house will star on Broadway. I'm usually against actors acting as actors, or writers writing about writing, for that matter, but this didn't bother me so much here, since it's about more than acting itself, it's about the games these women had to play to get auditions, and the simultaneous hustle to find a successful husband, or at least a "sugar daddy".

And if a woman wasn't able to find a husband, or at least a man to take her to dinner, she was relegated to meals at the boarding house, the dreaded "lamb stew" (at least, you hope it's lamb...). I suppose this seemed kind of progressive back in 1937, women (gasp) living on their own and supporting themselves through acting and dance, but by today's standards I can't decide if it's degrading, or just outdated.

Did it come as a surprise to anyone that Broadway producers used the "casting couch"? Or that young actresses were willing to go along with it, to get the roles they wanted? That practice was probably ten times worse than this film even suggested, it may still be for all I know.

Terry Randall, played by Katharine Hepburn, doesn't play the game, though - she's more of the kind of person who sets the rules. But she's not like the other girls (no, not THAT way...) since she comes from a wealthy family, speaks proper English, and tries to tell the playwright how to change the lines. Umm, that's not really how this acting thing works.

Of course, for every actress who gets the part, there's at least one who didn't who was counting on it, and fame is fleeting, and people get older, and jeez, there are a lot of cliches in this film. But there is some emotion, too, even if the pieces came together in a somewhat contrived way. There's a lot of snarky dialogue - people seemed to talk quicker back in the old days, though, I guess they needed to conserve film during the Depression?

Also starring Ginger Rogers (I didn't know she could act, in addition to dancing), Lucille Ball, Ann Miller (only 14 at the time!), and Eve Arden.

RATING: 5 out of 10 taxi cabs

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Year 3, Day 14 - 1/14/11 - Movie #744

BEFORE: Seth Rogen carries over from last night, but I move from struggling comedians to wanna-be porn actors. After this, I'll have seen every Kevin Smith film except "Chasing Amy" (scheduled for February) and "Cop Out" (which I just taped off of cable tonight).

THE PLOT: Lifelong platonic friends Zack and Miri look to solve their respective cash-flow problems by making an adult film together.

AFTER: Hmm, I'm kind of torn on the premise of this one. On one level, it's a round-about way to flip the standard Hollywood love story on its ear - there are plenty of cases where sex between two characters comes first, and then love follows. Hell, for that matter there are plenty of cases where simulated movie sex comes first, and then a relationship between the actors follows. So in a sense that sort of justifies it.

But, story-wise it's a long leap from "We're short on the rent money" to "Let's make a porno film." It seems there should be some steps in-between, like getting a better job, or volunteering for medical experiments.

There is some heart here in the love story, if you can see past all the dick jokes, and ass jokes. But bad acting, even intentional bad acting in the film-within-a-film, can still be painful to watch. Seth Rogen's delivery seemed more sincere in "Funny People", which was shot a year later. Maybe they just chose some of the wrong takes - Kevin Smith acted as his own editor on this film, which to me often seems like a conflict of interest. As much as I support his indie spirit, another eye in the editing room might have chosen different takes. (Same goes for Kevin Smith's tweets, which are desperately in need of some editing)

While not set in Smith's usual Askew-niverse, this could also have easily been "Clerks 3", with Rogen in the Dante role, if Dante and Randall had moved from Mooby's to the coffee shop, and if Rosario Dawson had been available. 50% of the main cast of "Clerks" was in this film, anyway.

And the "Star Wars" porn spoof attempted in this film is actually possible, as long as Mr. Lucas' lawyers don't find out about it. The same parody laws that protect song samplers and comedians have now made it possible for there to be porno versions of everything from "Three's Company" to "The Brady Bunch", and from "CSI" to "Star Trek". Come on, you know Kirk was boning every alien chick he could, now you can actually see him (or a facsimile of him) doing it. Too much city and not enough sex in "Sex and the City" for your taste? Just watch the porn version...

Also starring Elizabeth Banks, Craig Robinson, Brandon Routh, Justin Long, Jason Mewes, with cameos from Jim Norton, Traci Lords, Tyler Labine, and Tisha Campbell-Martin.

RATING: 6 out of 10 sacks (of coffee beans!)

Funny People

Year 3, Day 13 - 1/13/11 - Movie #743

BEFORE: I've got a bunch more Robin Williams movies to watch, but I'll put them off yet again - I can always do a pick-up week of that later. Instead I'll transition from musicians to comedians.

THE PLOT: When seasoned comedian George Simmons learns of his terminal health condition, his desire to form a genuine friendship causes him to take a younger performer under his wing as his opening act.

AFTER: I don't know if this movie was titled properly, since most of the time the main characters weren't being funny - oh, sure, we see them doing comedy bits on stage, but even some of those bombed or were only marginally amusing. Maybe they should have called the film something like "Stand-Up Guy", since the central character played by Seth Rogen (last seen in "Observe and Report"), keeps trying to do the right thing. And he does stand-up comedy, get it? Double meaning...

Then again, maybe the title DOES have another meaning, since "funny" also means "strange" - so they ARE funny people, just funny in a different way. Certainly there's nothing funny about a terminal illness (or is there?) or coming to terms with death, or having regrets about how one has lived. That's what happens to George, played by Adam Sandler (last seen in "The Waterboy"), and so we get to see how a famous comedian might act when he knows he's going to die.

The terminal illness plot is a Hollywood standby, a convenient shorthand for a character's mortality (and, by extension, our own), and it comes with a built-in conflict and resolution, one way or the other. See, this is why I'm not officially a film reviewer, because I've spent too much time seeing how films get made, so when I'm watching them, it's almost always from the angle of figuring out why the pieces got put together in just this way. You just know someone had to brainstorm this out, thinking about how they would act when confronted with their own death - who would they contact, how would their life change, how would it affect their relationships and friendships?

The sub-plot of a young comedian makes sense in this context too, and not just as a foil character - why is he a struggling comedian? Because struggling means conflict, and you can't pitch a movie idea that goes, "There's this comedian, and he's really funny, and he starts to succeed, and so he continues to succeed, and he becomes famous and successful." That's all you got? So the conflict gets added, between him and his rivals, him and his roommates, him and potential dates. It seems kind of cookie-cutter when you take a step back from it and think about how it was all conceived.

It's not that this film is directionless, quite the opposite - it tries to go in several directions at once, and goes through several situational mutations. And underneath the awkward comedy is an awkward drama, with people acting awkward, and "acting" awkwardly to boot. But maybe that in itself says something about comedians - isn't the stereotype that they're all laughing on the outside, but crying on the inside? And if they can't learn from their own mistakes, maybe they can at least take advice from looking at the mistakes of others.

Who knows, maybe the "sad clown" stereotype is accurate. Andy Kaufman, Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley leap to mind, I'm sure there are many other examples. But do we really want to see behind the curtain and see how dysfunctional comedians are, or do we just want to look at the surface performances and be entertained? When you have to explain a joke, most often you end up killing it, and for me the same often happens with a movie. When I start to think about how it got put together, it spoils the magic.

Also starring Leslie Mann (last seen in "The Cable Guy"), Jonah Hill (last seen in "10 Items or Less"), Eric Bana (last seen in "Black Hawk Down"), Jason Schwartzman (last seen in "Walk Hard"), with cameos from James Taylor, Aziz Ansari, Andy Dick, Charles Fleischer, Paul Reiser, Carol Leifer, Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald, Dave Attell, Ray Romano, Eminem, and Justin Long.

RATING: 5 out of 10 popsicles

August Rush

Year 3, Day 12 - 1/12/11 - Movie #742

BEFORE: Another film about a talented musician being lost in a big city - but this one looks to be a whole lot sappier.

THE PLOT: A drama with fairy tale elements, where an orphaned musical prodigy uses his gift as a clue to finding his birth parents.

AFTER: This one scored very high - but on the B.S. meter, unfortunately. Among this film's offenses are: (and this is by no means a complete list)

#1 - portraying New York City as some kind of musical/rhythmic wonderland, as seen by a lost boy. No pedophiles, no crackheads, no muggers - just beautiful sounds and rhythm. Give me a break.

#2 - the unlikely set of circumstances that lead to a child being born, and NEITHER of his parents are aware of him. This makes soap operas - sorry, daytime dramas - seem realistic by comparison. Somewhere a soap writer is saying, "Wow, that's pretty unbelievable..."

#3 - the movie is hardly original at all, the basic plot was stolen from Dickens' "Oliver Twist", with Robin Williams (last seen in "Being Human") in the "Fagin" role, in charge of a group of young street musicians (instead of pickpockets - OK, so that's one deviation from the source material.

#4 - having a central character who's such a musical prodigy that the first time he touches a guitar he not only knows how to play, he's got an innovative percussive playing technique, one that would take years to develop, and he's superior in talent to any guitarist you can name.

The character later learns the piano and organ in mere moments, and also picks up complex musical notation, after 2 minutes of instruction from a small girl. Simply not possible.

#5 - unlikely coincidences do occur, even in New York City (any time you attend a crowded concert, chances are you might know someone in the crowd) and some people do find lost family members after years apart - but this movie is just one impossible coincidence after another. You've got to multiply the odds against each coincidence happening to really get a sense how cumulatively unlikely this all is.

(Yes, there is a technique called "parallel editing" - wherein we're shown 2 or 3 non-linked stories in a film, with the understanding that eventually the characters' paths will cross - but once you're aware of this technique, the film goes from unlikely to contrived)

#6 - as these separated family members (who aren't even aware that they're a family) keep missing each other, almost connecting but never really being able to - the best thing turns out to be for all three of them to play music. Because focusing on yourself and your music is the best way to connect with people you can't find - HUH?

You can't show us a mother who will do anything to find her son, and she vows to NEVER stop looking, no matter what - oh, right, after she performs with the New York Philharmonic, that is... So how long was that search, a few hours, before she was back to being self-absorbed again? No way will she be able to take care of her son - the father's a rock singer, and we know that they're not self-absorbed at all, right?

I don't have high hopes for this family unit. Mom and Dad will be performing or practicing all the time, and the kid's going to wish he was back in the orphanage - where he got beat up all the time, but at least that's a form of attention.

A movie doesn't have to be 100% believable, but it should at least be plausible, and this one is not, on any level.

Starring Freddie Highmore (last seen in "Finding Neverland"), Keri Russell (last seen in "Mission: Impossible III"), Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (ditto), Terrence Howard (last seen in "Iron Man"), William Sadler, Mykelti Williamson (last seen in "Heat").

RATING: 3 out of 10 wind chimes (and I hate to call "Shenanigans!", but the movie left me no choice...)

The Soloist

Year 3, Day 11 - 1/11/11 - Movie #741

BEFORE: In last night's film, Samuel L. Jackson played a former soul star who was living in a rundown apartment, and in tonight's film, a former music student is living on the streets. With the recent news of a homeless man with a radio-friendly voice becoming a YouTube sensation, and then finding employment, I can't help but call this a timely choice.

THE PLOT: A Los Angeles journalist befriends a homeless Julliard-trained musician, while looking for a new article for the paper.

AFTER: Robert Downey Jr. (last seen in "Iron Man") plays a journalist who tries to get a homeless man off the streets - but he's also writing a human interest story for the L.A. Times, so how altruistic are his motives? I was never sure whether things were being done solely for the sake of his articles or not.

So...the homeless people who aren't musical prodigies aren't worthy of media attention? Or financial help? Sorry, the cynic in me is looking for problems with the plot. How convenient that the semi-coherent homeless man spells his name for the reporter during their first encounter, and also happens to mention that he went to Julliard - so the reporter can easily check his story...

The reporter finds out that helping the musician is not easy - which I believe, because I don't think there would be simple ways to fix a "broken" person, or simple answers to the homeless problem in general. My dad used to say the main problem is distribution - our country has money and food, it just doesn't get distributed to the people who need it the most.

And a lot of people might want to help a homeless person, but not enough to let them live with them - so that rings true. And some people are like black holes - absorbing massive amounts of help and charity, without ever getting into an improved situation. My parents have a couple of stray people that they help, but I found I'm just not cut out for it. I tried to volunteer for City Harvest, but it didn't go well - so now I just send them a check when I can, sometimes after a particularly good meal, to ease my conscience.

There's a movement now to get some of the richest Americans to agree to donate a portion of their earnings to charity. The cynic in me believes that someone probably showed these people that the resulting tax deductions would make it worth their while. Anyway, what kind of a country do we live in, where people have to be SHOWN how to help the less fortunate? Why can't it just be part of our routine? And instead of our religions dictating charity, why can't people just do it because it needs to happen?

Which brings me back to Ted Williams, and further cycnicism on the subject. What about all the homeless people who aren't blessed with great-sounding voices? I know he's gotten job offers, already his voice is in a macaroni and cheese commercial, and a radio station in Cleveland has offered him a position, complete with mortgage payments. While I'm all for improving someone's situation, remember what happened when Oprah gave away those cars to underprivileged women? They all had to pay the taxes on the gifts - which some of them couldn't afford to do. Same problem with "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" - where the increased property taxes on the rebuilt homes forced some families to sell the homes that the TV show had built for them. SO while one set of problems is over for Mr. Williams, I have a feeling that another set of problems is just beginning.

Again, there are no simple answers - which, in the end, this film tries to point out. There's always another side to an issue - evidenced by the constant stream of newspaper staffers that were being fired in the background, while Downey's character is filing his successful columns. (and somewhere, a voice-over announcer is bringing home less money this week because he lost out on a macaroni and cheese commercial...)
But I don't require that a movie supply all the answers, as long as the questions being raised are interesting enough.

Also starring Jamie Foxx (last seen in "Miami Vice"), Catherine Keener (last seen in "Capote"), cameos from Rachael Harris (last seen in "The Hangover"), Stephen Root (last seen in "The Men Who Stare at Goats") and Jena Malone.

RATING: 6 out of 10 shopping carts.

Soul Men

Year 3, Day 10 - 1/10/11 - Movie #740

BEFORE: A logical (?) follow-up to last night's film - this comedy shows what happens to the members of a soul group years AFTER they break-up, and try to get back together. I prepared for this one by getting my lunch from a take-out place called "Soul Fixins" on 28th St. Smothered chicken, mac 'n cheese, and candied yams - though I usually get the green beans, they make the best damn green beans. That added flavor is soul, I presume.

THE PLOT: Two estranged soul-singing legends agree to participate in a reunion performance at the Apollo Theater to honor their recently deceased band leader.

AFTER: This film was a lot more watchable than last night's film, it was a whole lot funnier and didn't take itself too seriously. Plus it had an original premise - I've never seen a comedy about two group members re-uniting for their friend's funeral. Part road trip, part relationship comedy, part music performance film.

Of course, it's the actors that make the film, and the interplay between Bernie Mac (last seen in "Mr. 3000") and Samuel L. Jackson (last seen in "Patriot Games") went a long way toward making this enjoyable. They really felt like old friends who wanted to kill each other over their old arguments.

The kicker is that they've got to drive together from L.A. to New York - my first thought was "Why don't they just take a plane?", but driving gives them the chance to re-connect, plus perform at clubs along the way to get ready for their show. There are twists and turns along the way, most too choice to reveal here.

However, there was a little too much slapstick, and low humor like dick jokes. Salty language I've got no problem with, but erection gags I can do without. Aim a little higher, guys.

Also starring Sean Hayes (last seen in "The Bucket List"), Adam Herschman (last seen in "Walk Hard"), with cameos from John Legend, Isaac Hayes, Jennifer Coolidge (last seen in "For Your Consideration")

RATING: 6 out of 10 back-up singers

The Five Heartbeats

Year 3, Day 9 - 1/9/11 - Movie #739

BEFORE: Sticking with musicians for another week - tonight a fictional famous soul group takes the stage. Well, it is Black History Month, isn't it? Or is that February?

THE PLOT: The story of the rise and fall of an African American vocal group.

AFTER: Yeah, there's a lot of the same territory covered already in a bunch of other films - like "Cadillac Records", "That Thing You Do!", "What's Love Got to Do With It", "A Star Is Born", etc. etc. It's the struggle to get famous, and then once that's achieved, the struggle to stay together and stay successful.

As with "Great Balls of Fire!", I found some of the sequences here to be very phony - especially the songwriting sequence, when a whole band track is heard, but there's no band in the room. OK, so the music's supposed to be in their heads, but still Duck manages to grab JUST the right scrap of paper at JUST the right moment to supply the lyrics without missing a beat. Come on...unbelievable.

There's also a lot of cookie-cutter elements that are probably cribbed from the real-life history of The Temptations, or the Commodores, or the Spinners. Which music group DIDN'T have a record executive try to stiff them on royalty checks? Or which group DIDN'T have a member get mixed up with hard drugs? Or have group members fight over a woman? As a result a lot of it just seemed fakey and forced.

Starring Robert Townsend (last seen in "The Mighty Quinn"), Leon (last seen in "Colors", but more famous for being on HBO's "Oz"), Michael Wright (another member of the "Oz" cast), Diahann Carroll, with cameos from John Witherspoon, Eddie Griffin.

RATING: 5 out of 10 album covers

Great Balls of Fire!

Year 3, Day 8 - 1/8/11 - Movie #738

BEFORE: Last January I watched the biopics on Richie Valens, Ray Charles and Johnny Cash - and some time later, I got a copy of this film, focusing on Cash's touring buddy, Jerry Lee Lewis. So this is a follow-up of sorts.

THE PLOT: The story of Jerry Lee Lewis, arguably the greatest and certainly one of the wildest musicians of the 1950s.

AFTER: The suggestion here is that Lewis was the original "bad boy" of rock and roll, who (along with Elvis) set the tone for Jim Morrison, Hendrix, The Stones, and countless others, right up to today. But to a large extent, famous entertainers have always done what they want, whether that involved booze, drugs, or sleeping around. Marrying one's 13-year old second cousin, although scandalous at the time, could be seen as kind of tame in the ensuing years of groupies, hard drugs and sex-tapes.

While the film does an adequate job (I suppose) of bracketing Jerry Lee Lewis' place within the spirit of the 1950's - car-hops, poodle skirts, nuclear war fears - there's also a fair amount of corniness here. The goofy expressions of Dennis Quaid (last seen in "The Rookie") while performing, which only highlight the abysmal use of lip-synching, don't help - nor do pseudo-music videos that feature "impromptu" dance numbers, which are obviously heavily choreographed, or an abundance of teenage (and older) girls who are reduced to mindless scream-bots upon seeing a recording star.

Then we get to the whole marrying one's cousin thing. While it's part of Jerry Lee's story, that doesn't make those scenes any easier to watch. Even though it took place after their marriage, I thought the sex scene was too suggestive - it's still a 13-year old girl, for chrissakes! And it's Winona Ryder, America's sweetheart! (last seen in "Alien: Resurrection") Wouldn't it have been better to leave the camera out of the bedroom, and just leave it to the audience's imagination?

Also starring Alec Baldwin (last seen in "Talk Radio"), Stephen Tobolowsky (last seen in "The Time Traveler's Wife"), Trey Wilson (most famous as Nathan Arizona from "Raising Arizona"), with cameos by Steve Allen (as himself), Peter Cook, Mojo Nixon (!!)

RATING: 4 out of 10 ice cream cones

EDIT: This film represents an inadvertent Birthday SHOUT-out, #3 for the year. I found out after the fact that January 8 was Elvis Presley's birthday (or is, if you believe he's still alive somewhere...). Perhaps I unconsciously knew that Elvis appeared in this film as a character - though not played by the King himself. The King would have turned 76 today if all that fast living hadn't caught up with him...

In this film Elvis was played by Michael St. Gerard, who also played him in another film, "Heart of Dixie", as well as on a 13-episode TV series, and on an episode of "Quantum Leap". He also played Link Larkin, an Elvis-type singer in the first "Hairspray".

And Mojo Nixon had a song named "Elvis Is Everywhere", so it's all connected.