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Year 2, Day 142 - 5/22/10 - Movie #509

BEFORE: From a flying city to a floating house, so that worked out pretty well. Unfortunately, I read so much about this movie, because it so universally liked and well-reviewed last year, that I might be going in to it knowing just a bit too much...

THE PLOT: By tying thousands of balloons to his home, 78-year-old Carl Fredricksen sets out to fulfill his lifelong dream to see the wilds of South America.

AFTER: I've got to be careful here, not just because this movie is so well-known and loved by millions, but because my wife watched it first (and again over my shoulder), so I could get in trouble if I give it a bad review.

Or if I were to get too hung up on the unbelievability of it all, wondering if it's possible for thousands of balloons to lift a house into the air, or for the wood-framed house to stay together in one piece, despite lacking a foundation. No, I just can't do that...

Or if I were to question the likeliness of just enough balloons popping, so that the house doesn't sail off or fall to the ground, and exact equilibrium is achieved, so that Carl can pull it into position with the use of a garden hose. Man, I could really get myself in hot water by pointing that out...

Or wondering how the invention of a dog collar that enables a dog's barks to be translated into human speech somehow also gives the dog the mental capacity to exactly understand the English language, enabling two-way conversation between the species. No, it's best not to bring these things up at all.

See, it's an animated cartoon, which means anything can happen, and we shouldn't question the physics of it all. See, I'd really be a heartless bastard if I let all that get in the way of me enjoying the movie on an emotional level, wouldn't I? I suppose I did watch "Cars" and not question why the cars had human faces and could speak English. And I did watch "Monsters Inc." and not question why the monsters needed human screams to power their nightmare world. I've got to just roll with the situation that's presented to me here, and try to enjoy the ride.

When I saw Carl's house being surrounded by construction work, and a conglomerate trying to buy his land (or force him out, whichever...) I thought of a recent situation here in New York City. A group of investors led by Bruce Ratner (Booo...) bought up property around a piece of land known as the Atlantic Yards, with the intent of building a giant mall, condo units, and a new home for the Nets basketball team. They bought out (and forced out) a lot of people from their homes, but there was one lone holdout. Then the recession hit, and the entire construction project sort of got put on hold. Meanwhile this poor guy was living in a virtual ghost town in downtown Brooklyn, which couldn't have been safe. Finally he did get a large payout in order to move - so I'm wondering why Carl couldn't have taken the construction company's best offer, or forced them to pay for his home to be moved somewhere else.

See, there I go again, forcing an animated fantasy to conform to my view of how the real world works, or should work. No, I've just got to step back and judge this film based on how well it entertained me, on a comedic and emotional level. I will say that the comic timing in this film was nearly flawless - all of the jokes and surprises landed, largely due to the timing. And of course the emotions are there, due to the flashbacks to his marriage, and the emotional bond Carl ends up forging with Russell and the other characters who join his party.

Starring the voices of Ed Asner, Christopher Plummer, with cameos from Delroy Lindo and John Ratzenberger.

RATING: 8 out of 10 picture frames - let the sniping commence.

Steamboy

Year 2, Day 141 - 5/21/10 - Movie #508

BEFORE: OK, enough screwing around with movies based on TV shows, let's get back to business.

THE PLOT: In 1860s Britain, a boy inventor finds himself caught in the middle of a deadly conflict over a revolutionary advance in steam power.

AFTER: I don't quite understand the "Steampunk" movement, from what I've seen - namely people dressing up at Comic-Con wearing leather outfits, aviator goggles, and big devices with lots of gauges and valves on them. There seems to be a desire to believe that anything could have been invented back in the 1800's, before it actually was. I don't see why people have a propensity to force 20th-century science into the Victorian Age.

Another thing I don't really understand is the popularity of manga, which always seems to contain characters with astonished expressions screaming at each other, making no sense in ways that don't quite synch up with their mouth movements. I realize a lot of this is due to the translation into English, but there's only so many times that characters can say "Huh? What? Can you hear me?" before it becomes annoying.

This is the story of a young boy, Ray Steam, whose father (and grandfather) are away working on some top-secret science project. One day a package arrives, with a note instructing Ray's family to keep its contents safe, and out of the hands of the Ohara Foundation. Of course, the Foundation shows up looking for the contents, a "Steam Ball", and Ray goes on the run, pursued by men on strange vehicles that look like locomotives, but are somehow the precursors to auto-motives. (Get it?)

This leads to Ray meeting up with Robert Stephenson, (I'm not sure, was this supposed to be Robert Louis Stevenson, the author? Did someone mix him up with Robert Fulton, the inventor of the steamboat? That would have made more sense...) who works for another mysterious group, at odds with the Foundation. And this leads to Ray finding his father and grandfather, who are both crazy inventors that designed a giant city/fortress called Steam Castle.

The theory seems to be that anything is possible, provided the characters have a large enough boiler, sufficient steam pressure, and a conglomeration of switches, pumps and valves. But while the movie is heavy on musings about the responsibilities of science (the big picture), it never takes the time to explain how anything actually, you know, works.

What is the "Steam Ball"? What, exactly, does it do? What makes it special? How does such a small device power an entire city? Is it best not to think too much about these things? I demand to know - how many forests are being destroyed to produce the wood to boil the water to create all this steam power? And if steam is so powerful, how come we abandoned its use in favor of gas, coal, and oil? Sorry, I'm not buying it.

And wouldn't hot steam running through the streets of London burn a whole lot of people? There's some half-hearted explanation about how expanding gas draws heat from its surroundings, which therefore freezes the city, rather than boils it, but I'm not buying that one either. It's steam, therefore it should be hot.

It's a visually stunning film, but it falls short on dialogue, explanations, and any sort of believability. I know, I know, it's a fantasy film, but it was very tough for me to slog through because there wasn't much to grab on to, plot-wise. Ray's father and grandfather are locked in a constant battle over which one of them is "right", but what, exactly is the issue that they're fighting over? Is one of them right and the other wrong, is one good and the other evil? And if so, which is which? And how come it's up to a small boy to figure out what science should be used for? Isn't that, like, what scientists are for?

Starring the voices of Anna Paquin (really? as a young British boy? It didn't sound like her at all...), Patrick Stewart, and Alfred Molina (his voice drove me crazy throughout the film, it was just outside of my recognition...). Apparently the movie could only employ voice talent that had been in an X-Men or Spider-Man film.

RATING: 4 out of 10 zeppelins (Oh, the humanity!)

Tripping the Rift: The Movie

Year 2, Day 140 - 5/20/10 - Movie #507

BEFORE: "Tripping the Rift" was sort of Sci-Fi Channel's answer to "Futurama", with the irreverancy of "South Park" thrown in. Unfortunately, it was never as popular as "Futurama" or as irreverent as South Park. But like "Futurama", a movie was released on DVD after the series ended.

THE PLOT: What begins for Chode and crew as a routine mission to protect a pissed-off princess becomes a saga of dismembered royalty, indestructible clown assassins and desperately horny housewives.

AFTER: Well, at first I just thought this was 3 leftover ideas that didn't make the cut for the third season of the show. But then I found out this movie was just three episodes from the 3rd season, stitched together to form a "movie". Now I'm ticked off, because I also bought the 3rd season box set. So not only was I tricked into buying material I already owned, I wasted time watching a movie that wasn't anything special!

OK, so technically the third season episodes didn't air in the U.S. That doesn't make this a movie, or excuse the shady distribution method. I'll make plans to watch the box set later, thank you very much.

The first episode is a "Bride of Frankenstein" spoof that finds the main characters on a planet that resembles Eastern Europe (I'm not sure exactly how everything on the planet could be in black and white).

The second bit is something of a spoof on "The Terminator", with an angry clown robot being sent back from the future to kill Chode, before he can impregnate a girl at his own birthday party.

And the third segment is a parody of "Desperate Housewives", with the crew hiding out on "Hysteria Lane" (nice...) with a number of horny CGI female aliens (?) but unfortunately there's no payoff. The movie claims to be "uncensored", but aside from hearing some salty language, which I admit is refreshing, there's no blatant sex or nudity...

I never really understood the show's obsession with clowns. Yes, they're evil clowns, and "Darth Bobo" is a funny name. But once you make the pun on "clown troopers" instead of "clone troopers" a few times, where can you go with it? Nowhere.

Starring the voices of Stephen Root, Jenny McCarthy (replacing Carmen Electra and Gina Gershon, who voiced Six of Nine in seasons 1+2) and "Stuttering" John Melendez as BOB, the ship's computer.

At least these movies are short, and I'm now two movies ahead of where I need to be, so I can take a few days off on Memorial Day weekend, and not affect my schedule.

RATING: 3 out of 10 porno mags

Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder

Year 2, Day 140 - 5/20/10 - Movie #506

BEFORE: Right now, my favorite two words are "Season finale". Most TV shows are running their finales this week, and some are even running their series finales. "Law & Order" and "Heroes" have been cancelled, along with several other shows, which gives me back a couple hours each week when September rolls around. Right now, it looks like my Mondays, Tuesdays and Saturdays will be clear of shows that I'm interested in.

This counts as the series finale of "Futurama", at least until new episodes start airing on Comedy Central. That's right, like "Family Guy", this show has been un-cancelled, at least partially due to the popularity of these made-for-DVD movies.

THE PLOT: The Planet Express crew visits Amy's parents, who are destroying the "old" Mars Vegas and constructing a more extravagant one. A group of eco-feminists are protesting the destruction of 12% of the galaxy to build the universe's largest miniature golf course.

AFTER: Wow, the joke well really ran dry after the third movie, if they're resorting to jokes about mini-golf...

Feminists, Vegas mobsters, poker players, President Nixon, environmental destruction - I just don't know if there's enough to build a movie plot around...what is this, animated Caddyshack? In fact, a few Caddyshack references might have helped...

Plus the group of main characters isn't even a group before - they're all working for different concerns here, so whatever camaraderie this bunch of lovable losers had is unfortunately long gone. However, there is a hippie-crunchy environmentally friendly ending that leads neatly into the upcoming new episodes.

With voice cameos by Snoop Dogg, Seth McFarlane, and my buddy Penn Jillette.

RATING: 4 out of 10 black holes

Futurama: Bender's Game

Year 2, Day 139 - 5/19/10 - Movie #505

BEFORE: Futurama Movie #3 of 4 - I was hoping to watch 2 movies tonight, but I had to keep current on "American Idol" and watch 2 crime shows from January (I'm that far behind...), but at least I have the whole summer to catch up on TV.

THE PLOT: The Planet Express crew get trapped in a fantasy world.

AFTER: Right away the movie scores, with a faithful animated spoof of "Yellow Submarine", and that's just in the opening credits! Other targets this time include Dungeons & Dragons, Star Trek, The Twilight Zone, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Lord of the Rings, The Jetsons, Alice in Wonderland, the Three Stooges and the Dixie Chicks. Oh, and Star Wars, of course, thus becoming the 1,000th film (or so) to parody a lightsaber battle.

This time I could see the breaks, where this would have been divided into 4 episodes had Fox not cancelled the 5th season of the show. A couple of "Previously on Futurama" bumpers, and it would be all set for airing - but honestly, it plays much better as a long-format DVD release.

I obviously realize that "Lord of the Rings" was just asking to be spoofed - and with a few simple name changes - Fry becomes Frydo, Leela becomes Leegola - we're good to go. But it's almost too easy to do a Gollum sequence these days. Plus, if you take the Futurama characters out of the Futurama universe, they lose a lot of their appeal. Part of the fun is having 4 seasons of references to draw from, and it's not the same when they throw that out the window and change reality around for an episode.

Still, this was funnier than last night's Futurama film, and the gags about role-playing games really hit home. But the question raised, about whether a robot can have an imagination - didn't we cover this with Data on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"?

Guest-starring the voices of Rich Little, George Takei, and the D&D master himself, Gary Gygax. (RIP)

RATING: 6 out of 10 on a 10-sided die (now roll for damage)

Futurama: The Beast With a Billion Backs

Year 2, Day 138 - 5/18/10 - Movie #504

BEFORE: Futurama's 2nd feature-length movie, out of 4. I don't see how these 90-minute storylines would have made up the show's 5th season, unless they were each designed to be edited down into 3 (or 4?) half-hour shows, each ending with "To Be Continued..."

THE PLOT: A planet-sized, tentacle alien takes over the Earth and convinces the inhabitants of Earth to abandon the Earth to live in a pseudo-heaven, leaving the robots of the world to inherit the planet.

AFTER: Eh, the story's more than a little lame, even though it's a logical progression from the previous film - the mucking with the timestream in the last film caused a rift between universes, which is what allows the multi-tentacled alien to gain control of Earth.

The gender-neutral alien (which wants to be called "Sklee" instead of "he" or "she") has enough love (and tentacles) for everyone on Earth. The comic twist comes when everyone realizes this alien wants to mate with them, so the alien has to go on a "date" with the population of Earth first...I did not see that coming.

Even though watched quite a few "Alien invasion" films, which is a genre that's ripe for parody, I didn't find this to be as funny as Futurama's take on time-travel paradoxes. Since Bender isn't human, he's given a robot sub-plot that just seems like killing time until he's important to the main plot again.

I guess there's a point to be made about jealousy - Fry hooks up with a girlfriend near the beginning, and she has 4 other boyfriends - Kif is jealous of Amy (with good reason) and Bender saves the day when he gets jealous of the giant alien. So, jealousy is good? Is that really the message?

With voice cameos from David Cross, Stephen Hawking (even in the future, he's an a-hole...) and Brittany Murphy

RATING: 5 out of 10 arcade games

Futurama: Bender's Big Score

Year 2, Day 137 - 5/17/10 - Movie #503

BEFORE: A continuation of the OTHER Matt Groening-created Fox animated sitcom, which was cancelled after 4 seasons. Storylines for the planned 5th season were turned into 4 feature-length DVDs, which I got from Amazon + eBay, so I'll try to whip through them this week.

THE PLOT: Planet Express sees a hostile takeover and Bender falls into the hands of criminals where he is used to fulfill their schemes.

AFTER: I admit I was a little unsure about whether to count this as a "movie" and include it as part of my project - but then I found out that the whole plot centers around time travel. So it's about one of my favorite topics, and is a good follow-up to last night's film.

I did manage to see every episode of the Fox show, I think - except for the ones that got pre-empted by NFL games that ran overtime. Fox scheduled the show for 7 pm on the East Coast, and if a football game ran over (including the very unnecessary post-game recap) then the episode of "Futurama" didn't air, and they went straight into the 8 pm episode of "The Simpsons". Why Matt Groening never sued Fox-TV for not airing one of his shows, I have no idea.

This movie starts with a blatant dig at Fox, though - the Planet Express missions get cancelled by their corporate bosses at the "Box Network", and then they get taken over by some nudist aliens, who want to use Bender the robot to travel through time and steal Earth's treasures from the past - the Mona Lisa, various statues, etc. Though the time-travel is one-way, Bender can shut himself down and exist in the caves under the building, holding the treasure until the appropriate moment he was sent back in time...

What the staff discovers is that traveling into the past is very dangerous - you can easily change the past by convincing yourself to do something differently, which creates a duplicate version of yourself. (the one that travels back to the future, and the one that doesn't, for example) This ties in neatly with conversations I've been having with my co-worker about the book "The Time-Traveler's Wife" - she didn't understand how Henry could interact with an older version of himself, without "replacing" himself in that time period.

This movie puts forth the theory of causality, in which creating a time-altered duplicate of oneself adds a "doom coefficient" into the equation - namely that the time paradox will take care of itself, by killing off the duplicate in a horrible (and comic) fashion. If the paradox is not resolved, well, then the whole universe is in danger.

So the duplicate is doomed (but aren't we all?) - I can't say that they got the time-traveling scenes perfect (what movie does?) but as complicated as it was, at least it was quite entertaining, when it wasn't confusing.

We also see a time paradox similar to the one where the inventor of the time machine travels back in time and gives his younger self the plans to build a time machine - so who really invented the thing? In this case, who created the time-travel code? At the end of the film it's planted back into the beginning scenes, so where did it originate?

The drawback of "Futurama" is that all future-set films are essentially a by-product of the times in which they are created - and this show was first aired in 1999. At the time cryogenic freezing seemed like the wave of the future, so the creators built jokes around preserved heads in floating jars. Dr. Kevorkian was in the news, so they turned phone booths into "suicide booths". Celebrities like Al Gore also played big roles - hey, they rolled with what they had to work with. But then they got locked into a particular version of the future, which even in 2007 had to stay faithful to the 1999 predictions.

With voice cameos by Coolio, Mark Hamill, Sarah Silverman

RATING: 7 out of 10 spam e-mails

The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones

Year 2, Day 136 - 5/16/10 - Movie #502

BEFORE: Yes, I'm doubling up by watching 2 short movies tonight - not just to get ahead of the numbers of films on my list, but also because Memorial Day weekend is coming up, and it looks like we'll be going on a weekend trip, so I will probably be unable to watch films for a couple of days.

How did I miss this film about time travel, which is one of my favorite plot devices?

THE PLOT: Elroy Jetson invents a time machine that takes his family back to prehistoric times, where they meet the Flintstones family.

AFTER: The big question I'm left with is, why am I watching crap like this, when I have some classic movies like "On the Waterfront" and "Rebel Without a Cause" on my list? It's a damn shame that I have to resort to this, just to get ahead of the count.

Even by lame cartoon standards, this is crap. There are glaring continuity mistakes - Elroy's time machine has just two settings - "Past" and "Future" - and he states that he's got it set on "Future", but we can clearly see that the lever is on "Past". This is a cartoon, couldn't someone just re-draw the shot so it can be correct? Either no one noticed, or the original plan was to have Elroy screw up - then someone came up with the clever idea of having Astro's tail bump the lever. But it was set on Past, then his tail bumps it from "Future" to "Past"? Unacceptable...

And ELROY is the genius who builds a time machine? Unlikely - about as unlikely as encountering your doppleganger sitcom when traveling back to caveman days...

Wouldn't you know it, the two sitcom families become friends - and there's a wacky mix-up that sends the Flintstones back to the future, and strands the Jetsons in the past...and things seem fine for a while - the cavemen are a trend-setting hit in the future, and the spacemen easily financially take over half of Bedrock in the past...

But there's a lot of stupid dialogue, and most of the jokes don't land right. Plus Judy manages to be whiny and annoying as she moons over boys in TWO time periods. And all bosses are evil and manipulative, no matter what year it is.

RATING: 2 out of 10 talking appliances

Jetsons: The Movie

Year 2, Day 136 - 5/16/10 - Movie #501

BEFORE: A movie about a different animated sitcom family. Despite my best efforts, in watching 500 films in 500 days, my list of films to watch has NOT been shrinking - but instead remaining constant at 400. I'm still taping movies as fast as I've been watching them. So I've got to come up with a plan to get my numbers down - either by doubling up, or cutting off the list and allowing no new additions.

THE PLOT: George Jetson is forced to uproot his family when Mr. Spacely promotes him to take charge of a new factory on a distant planet.

AFTER: All right, so this wasn't too terrible. And like "The Simpsons Movie", there is a bit of an environmental theme, when the Jetsons learn that Spacely's ore mining is uprooting a colony of little furry creatures, who in response are sabotaging the factory. Also, recycling is mentioned prominently - so maybe by the end of the 21st Century, it could actually catch on!

There's also another similarity to last night's film, which uprooted the Simpsons to Alaska - here the Jetsons are forced to relocate to a distant asteroid, when George is put in charge of a factory a good distance from Earth. Was this some reference to U.S. factories relocating to Mexico? Some kind of NAFTA reference in a 1990 cartoon?

Unfortunately, the usual voice of Judy Jetson was replaced by pop star Tiffany for this movie - in an obvious attempt to bring in younger viewers. But they should have limited her to the songs, and left Judy's speaking voice alone - not only is the voice clearly different from the Judy that regular viewers know, but her speaking voice is very whiny, which makes the character seem like a real downer. All she does is fall in love with boys and then complain about them - so it's fairly obvious that the writers just don't know what to do with the character.

This was the final appearance of George O'Hanlon, the voice of George Jetson, who died in 1989 - which sort of explains why there haven't been any Jetsons projects since 1990, but they are talking about a new big-screen version for 2012 (if the world doesn't end by then). Also, this was the last screen credit for Mel Blanc, the voice of Mr. Spacely, who also died in 1989.

Quibble #1 - there are just too many different cute, furry aliens in the film. How many do we need, between the Furbelows and the Grungies? Enough already.

Quibble #2 - if the mining asteroid is so remote, how come there's an apartment complex (a residence mostly for robots and aliens, apparently) and a shopping mall nearby? This is just an excuse to give Jane and Judy a chance to shop, which is all that their characters seem to get to do.

Quibble #3 - why are there traffic jams, after the flying car was invented? Are people really going to create "highways" in outer space, with so much empty space NEXT TO each space lane? Doesn't having a flying car mean that you can drive wherever there is empty space?

RATING: 4 out of 10 sprockets