BEFORE: I'm going to count this one as another Friday film, essentially I'm doubling up, and I was only able to get ahead of the count because I took a pass on working at NY Comic-Con, which is still going on, it's only halfway done. Geez, I guess the convention found a way to happen without me after all. I did get to pick up a shift at the theater yesterday after saying no to NYCC, so it may be a good thing that I didn't take that job. Burned toast and all that - anything else good that comes into my life this weekend is a similar bonus and that would help prove the theory about burned toast, I guess. Here's another good thing, I'm ahead on movies and therefore I won't fall behind when I go to North Carolina for a week this month.
Here's another good thing, being ahead on the movie count allows me to send another birthday SHOUT-out, this time to actor Charles Dance, born on October 10 in 1946, and therefore turning 79 today. I hope he has some cake and some burned toast.
More good news, tonight's film was a last-minute addition, but including it means I can drop that film in November I want to drop and add it back to a February chain, and I can then also drop that other film I want to drop and use it next year to link Christmas movies - if I'm one film short at the end of the year, I have something else I can add, so I think I'm locked in for the rest of the year now, when I get to the end of October I'll recount everything to be sure.
Ralph Ineson carries over from "The Pope's Exorcist", where he provided the voice for the demon Asmodeus. Tonight he plays a priest, so clearly he's accustomed to both sides of the equation.
THE PLOT: A young American woman is sent to Rome to begin a life of service to the church, but encounters a darkness that causes her to question her faith and uncovers a terrifying conspiracy that hopes to bring about the birth of evil incarnate.
AFTER: This is the prequel to the 1976 film "The Omen" that we never really needed, or I guess if you like this one it's what we never really knew we needed. But every franchise now needs to have its "Rogue One" type of film, which explains how we got to where the whole damn thing started, or where we THOUGHT it started, and we apparently need to know how it REALLY started, which was some time before that.
Think about it, the first time we see baby Damien in "The Omen", we know he's been switched with the ambassador's baby that was born dead, but then where did Damien come from. They say he was the spawn of Satan, but did they mean that literally, or just spiritually and therefore figuratively? Well, the makers of "The First Omen" mean that VERY literally, and they show his, umm, conception here, and it's not for the faint of heart.
Apparently there was a whole cult within the church that wanted to bring about the birth of the Antichrist, but why exactly, we're just never going to find out. There's stuff here about a radical faction of Catholics, trying to create fear and drive people back to the Church, because I guess attendance on Sundays is starting to dwindle. So, they need Satan back on earth, in human form, because that's going to put asses in the pews on Sunday morning. I don't know if that's believable, it seems kind of lame. Why not have a faction of the church that's trying to bring Satan back because then that would mean the rapture, the end of the world, and they, being good church-going Catholics, could ascend to heaven? Only bringing Satan into human form feels a little bit like a sin, so I guess that wouldn't work, you've been very naughty priests and nuns, trying to get Satan born! But I guess then they could just go to confession and get back in God's good graces, they've got like 35 years to do that before Damien is an adult who's trying to locate and kill the Christ child.
A couple of things just don't really fit here, one is the timeline, they're trying to get Damien born in 1971, but somehow just 10 years later, in 1981, he's an adult in "The Final Conflict"? How can he be both 10 years old and 30 years old at the same time? And why set this story in 1971, what's the significance there? An American girl is sent to Italy to become a nun, why did she have to travel to Europe, why can't she become a nun in America? Sure, there's an answer, but it comes along much later.
The other thing that doesn't work is they're having nun candidates mate with the devil in order to deliver Satan's baby into the world - but Satan is already HERE, that's who they're having sex with, so umm, if he's already here, what's with all the nun-raping? Or is that just for funsies? What Margaret learns about another nun at the abbey, the orphan Carlita, is that Carlita is one of the Satan-mating experiments, all grown up, so she's the daughter of Satan. But all the nunfoolery so far has produced only female babies, and apparently the Bible says that the Antichrist needs to be a boy, which is pretty sexist, why can't the Antichrist be a girl? Typical Catholics, so stuck in their gender roles, am I right?
But then the rogue priests land on a genius idea, if they make Satan have sex with his own daughters, that adds an element of incest to the mix, and that could be the secret to making a truly evil Antichrist boy baby. Well, I suppose that sounds crazy enough to work. Let's line up all those nuns who are also the daughters of Satan and lets get to it! I hope you realize I'm kidding, because this is all pretty sordid stuff tonight, very scandalous with all the nun-raping and the Satan-spawning, and maybe send the kiddoes off to bed before watching this one, just saying.
As with last night's film, there's a secret underground chamber below the abbey that contains all the Church's most secret, umm, secrets. And if those files ever got out, man the news would rock the world and possibly bring organized religion to its knees - which apparently is OK with some priests who spend a lot of time on their knees. But how deep does the conspiracy go here, and who benefits from it all? We never really find out because any nun who gets too close to the truth suddenly gets the urge to either hang herself or set herself on fire, sometimes both at the same time.
Also, there are a lot of "accidents" when other people seeking the truth get too close - I remember there was an accident in the original film where a plate of glass came loose from a truck and took a guy's head right off. To be fair, he was investigating the Church's conspiracy, so he was kind of asking for it. This prequel starts off with something along the same lines, you think at some point even a priest might realize the need to wear a hard hat when there's construction work being done on the church. And you would be dead wrong, and he would just be dead.
It's a really long walk here just to get everybody to the exact moment where the 1976 film "The Omen" starts, but that's what a "Rogue One" film is intended to do, God forbid we leave any tiny little explanatory plot point out, geez, this generation of movie-goers, we have to hold their hands and explain every little thing to them. "Waaahh, I don't understand!" Go read the Wikipedia plot summary, you little simps. Not everything needs to be seen on camera to be understood, but it's obvious the filmmakers behind "The First Omen" disagree.
Directed by Arkasha Stephenson
Also starring Nell Tiger Free, Sonia Braga (last seen in "Angel Eyes"), Tawfeek Barhorn (last seen in "The Rhythm Section"), Maria Caballero, Charles Dance (last seen in "Child 44"), Bill Nighy (last heard in "The Wild Robot"), Nicole Sorace, Ishtar Currie-Wilson, Andrea Arcangeli, Guido Quaglione, Dora Romano (last seen in "Mafia Mamma"), Michelangelo Dalisi (ditto), Anton Alexander (last seen in "Exodus: Gods and Kings"), Mia McGovern Zaini (last heard in "Blonde"), Eugenia Delbue, Charita Cecamore, Federica Santoro, Mario Opinato (last seen in "Paul, Apostle of Christ"), Rachel Hurd-Wood (last seen in "Dorian Gray"), Nicola Garofalo, Milena Bozic, Dobrila Stojnic (last seen in "The Machine"), Alberto Tierrez, Ljiljana Zujic, Eva Ras, Miodrag Rakocevic, James Swanton,
RATING: 4 out of 10 angry protestors
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