BEFORE: I've had my eye out for this film, due to its similar mythological theme, but no pay TV channel has run it yet, it must be under their radar for some reason. But I kept a slot open for it, so my next option was to watch it on iTunes, or better yet Amazon, which turned out to be a buck cheaper, or else I'd had to find another film to take its place. This is also the first time I've watched a film on my iPad, which I'm starting to get more and more use out of to play games and check my e-mail, since the screen is larger than the one on my phone. Better for the old eyesight.
Linking from "Wrath of the Titans", once again I fall back on the Harry Potter films, which starred just about every British actor at one point or another. Ralph Fiennes was also in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2" with John Hurt (last seen in "Heaven's Gate").
THE PLOT: Theseus is a mortal man chosen by Zeus to lead the fight against the ruthless King Hyperion, who is on a rampage across Greece to obtain a weapon that can destroy humanity.
AFTER: It's another "Greek salad" tonight, by that I mean a lot of the elements from the last two films are re-surfacing here. The plot tonight combines some of the elements of "Troy" (large army trying to break down an enormous wall) and some of the elements of "Wrath of the Titans" (releasing the titans from Tartarus, Gods aiding humans, plus there's a minotaur). The central plot is SO similar to that of last night's film that it leads one to wonder who copied who. Sure, this film was released first, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the rip-off - it could have sped through production to hit the market first.
They just replaced Perseus with Theseus - and changed his story quite a bit. Theseus was the man who, according to the myth, traveled through the Cretan labyrinth with the aid of a ball of string, and successfully slew the Minotaur within. He had other adventures, too, possibly as one of the Argonauts, and eventually became the king that united Athens. But none of that is here in this film, which concentrates only on his struggles against the invading King Hyperion. Ironically, in mythology, Hyperion was the name of one of the Titans, but here he's just a human king, leading an army of soldiers who like wearing fetish-style leather masks.
And once again everyone is looking for a fantastic weapon, in this case it's the Epirus Bow, which shoots these magic arrows that just appear as needed, so an archer would never run out. And these arrows can apparently kill Titans, and the bow never misses. Let's hope the bow doesn't fall into the wrong hands...whoops, too late.
NITPICK POINT: Let's talk about these "Titans", who by the definition of their name, are supposed to be giants. Literally "titanic", so that's one thing that "Wrath of the Titans" did better. But here "Titans" just seems to mean "regular-sized evil guys who lost to the Greek Gods eons ago". For this all 16 of them (they all look alike, so forget about naming them...) were imprisoned in a small cell in Tartarus, standing up with big bars through their mouths, making them collectively look like a giant foosball team, but standing still for all eternity. Or at least until some idiot fires a magic arrow at their cell.
NITPICK POINT #2: This then puts them into a battle with the Greek Gods. But again we wonder, can the Gods be killed? Apparently so - because if not, what's the point in fighting with them? But if they can be killed, then how the heck are they God-like? And if the Titans get killed, do they go to hell? (They were JUST there!) Apparently not, because the battle is shown to continue, in heaven, for all eternity. So the good guys AND the bad guys go to heaven? And if they live on in heaven forever, then what's the point of continuing to fight? I'm going around and around on this and it's just not making any sense.
NITPICK POINT #3: I'm not even going to get into how Theseus knew where to find the bow. They didn't bother to explain this one at ALL.
Also starring Henry Cavill (last seen in "Man of Steel"), Mickey Rourke (last seen in "The Expendables"), Stephen Dorff, Freida Pinto (last seen in "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"), Luke Evans (last seen in "The Raven", but he was also in "Clash of the Titans", hmmm...), Kellan Lutz, Isabel Lucas, Steve Byers, Joseph Morgan, Mark Margolis (last seen in "Hardball").
RATING: 4 out of 10 oiled-up ab shots
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