BEFORE: For the third day of the year, a film that's centered on the number 3. And since I covered two versions of this often-told story before during last year's World Tour, it happens to be the THIRD version of the famous Dumas novel in my project. I love when stuff like this happens.
I'm also dipping back a bit further into French history, from the late 1700's to the early 1600's, or from the reign of Louis XVI to Louis XIII.
And it feels so great, so freeing, to not have to find actor links between successive films any more. That said, Kirsten Dunst from "Marie Antoinette" was also in "Elizabethtown" with Orlando Bloom (last seen in "New York, I Love You"), playing the Duke of Buckingham tonight. Sorry.
THE PLOT: The young D'Artagnan, along with three former legendary Musketeers must unite and defeat a beautiful double agent and her villainous employer from seizing the French throne and engulfing Europe in war.
FOLLOW-UP TO: "The Three Musketeers" (1993) (Movie #1,277) and "The Musketeer" (2001) (#1,278)
AFTER: We all know the typical beginning to this story - D'Artagnan sets out for Paris to become a Musketeer, but accidentally gets involved in duels with all 3 Musketeers (recently disbanded, due to budget cuts or the Fiscal Cliff or something) but then the Cardinal's guards attack, and they unite based on their common enemy.
But wait, not so fast - this film added a frontispiece, a bit of pre-story detailing an adventure of the Three Musketeers, plus Lady DeWinter, with plot and effects cribbed from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "National Treasure". You can treat it like a short before the main feature, which neatly sets up the rivalry between Milady and Athos, plus the three heroes and the Duke of Buckingham.
Ah, but it's a double-edged sword, so to speak. Though it introduces the characters well enough (as well as detailing their individual fighting styles), it ruins the surprise in store later, when we learn that D'Artagnan has managed to offend his personal heroes in turn, and must duel them all on the same afternoon. What a way to step on a joke.
Alas, it gets a bit worse. The opening sequence sets up a special-effects driven plot piece that's not found anywhere near the original novel, but seems to be something more at home in a Jules Verne fantasy piece. If you don't approve of steampunk (or the anachronistic use of gunpowder in a Robin Hood film), then you'll really hate this. Looks pretty, but makes no sense. At least steampunk takes things we have now and replicates them in a pre-Industrial Revolution world, but this...thing isn't even possible NOW, so what's it doing in 17th Century France?
There are certain words in the English language that should not be modified by adjectives - a woman can't be "very pregnant", and something cannot be "very unique". Unique means singular, that there is only one of something, and the word is fine when it stands on its own. Another such word is "impossible" - either something is impossible, or it's not. Yet here I'm proven wrong - the action sequences in this film are very, very impossible.
In addition, we've got fighting moves straight out of "The Matrix" (the 2001 version was more like "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"), and a planned heist that seems to reference "Ocean's 11". On top of that, Lady DeWinter is part super-spy and part cat burglar, like a Bond girl-meets Charlie's Angel. Any more references you guys want to throw in there to be current? The battle from "Star Trek II"? Don't forget "Pirates of the Caribbean"! (note: they didn't)
It all does make for a fresh version of the story, but it's just so blatant in the attempt. Furthermore, we've got accent problems for the third film in a row - in "Les Miserables" there were French street kids with British accents, last night we had French royalty with American accents, and tonight there's a German guy playing Cardinal Richelieu!
It's a spectacle, for sure, but it's like buying a Trans Am to run your errands - fun to drive and flashy to look at, but it makes not a lick of sense.
Also starring Logan Lerman (last seen in "Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief"), Matthew McFayden (last seen in "Robin Hood"), Christoph Waltz (last seen in "The Green Hornet"), Milla Jovovich (last seen in "Zoolander"), Ray Stevenson (last seen in "The Book of Eli"), Luke Evans (also last seen in "Robin Hood"), Gabriella Wilde, Mads Mikkelsen, Freddie Fox, James Corden.
RATING: 6 out of 10 tankards of wine
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