BEFORE: I've fallen a bit behind on posting because I had to work TWO late nights at the theater already this week, on tent watch, which means standing outside and keeping an eye on the press tent as it's being built, or being taken down, or when it's full of stars walking the red carpet. We had one TV series premiere on Monday and another on Wednesday, which meant I was just feet away from stars like Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan, Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. Umm, those are the stars of both series, those people are not all on the same show - the shows were "Mobland" and "Dying for Sex". Last night I had to stay while the whole big press tent came down, and it's held in place by these big concrete blocks that also needed to be loaded in a truck after the event, and then all these metal barricades had to be stacked up. But I didn't have to DO any of this work, just watch other people do it and make sure that the barricades keep passersby out of the work zone, so it's fairly easy work over long hours, which is exactly what I need right now. Time to stand around and watch things happen and think about choices I've made...
Connie Nielsen carries over from "Basic" and I COULD drop this film and the next one, and the chain would close up the gap, but that would throw off my numbering system and a different film would then be Big Movie 5,000 - plus, I really want to SEE "Gladiator II", so dropping it and tomorrow's film wouldn't make much sense. So let's stay up late on a Thursday night and knock this one out. Damn, I wish I could have sent a Birthday SHOUT-out to Pedro Pascal, born April 2, 1975 - but I'm one day late. Well, if you see him, please send him my best wishes anyway.
THE PLOT: After his homeland is conquered by the tyrannical emperors who now lead Rome, Lucius is forced to enter the Colosseum and must look to his past to find strength to return the glory of Rome to its people.
AFTER: OK, I'm determined to catch up this weekend - I don't have to work again until Sunday afternoon. Normally I'd drink a couple beers after coming home on Friday, but I want to stay up tonight and watch TWO animated movies, and that should bring me back up to speed. Right now it's Friday and I still haven't posted my Thursday review, that's no bueno. I throw myself on the mercy of the court, as I was out late TWICE this week on tent duty, and today I had to go in for my last (?) day at the animation studio. That's it, 31 years in, here's your hat, thanks for balancing the checkbook and cutting payroll checks one more time. They'll be lucky to stay in business six more months without me, I think - that place is a sinking ship.
SPOILER ALERT - turn back NOW if you haven't seen "Gladiator II" just yet.
Speaking of ships, this movie's got them - Roman warships, ones that can attack a walled city from the sea. Ships with towers on them, so soldiers can climb up and get over the walls of a city and then get inside. For the glory of the Empire! Also, ships that can sail INSIDE the Colosseum, and re-enact famous naval battles from the first century A.D. - which is great, because those who forget about history are condemned to repeat it. And isn't THAT what sequels are all about, repeating what came before? If you remember the acclaimed movie "Gladiator" from the year 2000, well, this is more of that. You may want to re-watch that one so you know who the players are in this film, set 16 years later. But the only actors that carry over are Connie Nielsen as minor Empress Lucilla and Derek Jacobi as Senator Gracchus. Jacobi was also famously in the PBS miniseries "I, Claudius" years ago, and has also done many Shakespeare plays, so at this point he probably shows up on set with his own togas.
But that first "Gladiator" film was all about a disgraced general who had a falling-out with Rome's Emperor, and as a result he became a slave and then a gladiator, but one who tried to work his way out of the Colosseum and buy or win his freedom back. I guess there's a way to do this, if you stay alive long enough, or maybe it's just a line of B.S. they gave the slaves to keep them motivated. But this is a totally different film, because it's about a disgraced son of the empress who had a falling-out with Rome's emperor, and as a result became a slave and then a gladiator, but one who tried to work his way up and buy or win his freedom back. See? Totally different.
We actually don't know Hanno's background when we first meet him, in the faraway province of Numidia - or is it Humidia? It looks humid there. The Roman ships, led by General Acacius, attack Humidia and kill almost everyone, including Hanno's sort-of wife, who's a prominent archer. Hanno and the rest of the survivors are shipped back to Rome to become slaves or gladiators or maybe extras in a gladiator film. It's good honest work if you can get it. The Romans make them fight baboons in Ostia to see if they're ready for the big leagues, and I guess those that aren't ready get consumed by the baboons. Hanno bites the baboon, so the stable master Macrinus buys him for the gladiator games, and offers him the opportunity to kill General Acacius if he plays his cards right.
The General just wants some time off, man, maybe a quick vacay with his wife, Lucilla (who again, is Marcus Aurelius' daughter and one of the only characters carrying over from the first film) but no, the two Emperors, Geta and Caracalla want to send him RIGHT back out to conquer Persia and India, right after the gladiator games held to celebrate his conquering Numidia, of course. Hanno wins a warm-up bout at a party and recites a verse from Virgil, the poet, which reveals that he has an educated background. Hmmmmmm.......
Meanwhile, General Acacius and his wife, Lucilla, are conspiring with Senators to overthrow the two emperors (who look like Ron Weasley's older brothers if they got really sick) and I guess give the throne to Lucilla. Great, good luck with that, let me know how that goes. And meanwhile, Hanno is doing great in the gladiator fights, calling to mind another gladiator who did really well there, right up until he died, now what was his name again... Maximus, right? Hmmmmmm.........
Lucilla watches Hanno fight and also recite that poetry again, and realizes that Hanno is really her lost son, Lucius, which surprises absolutely nobody, and for once, not even me. But what's more surprising is that Maximus is really his father, who once had a thing going with Lucilla - but everyone naturally assumed that the father of Lucilla's son was her brother, the Emperor Commodus. Yeah, you read that right. Ewwww.....what a relief to learn that she had a relationship with someone other than her brother. Well, it was a different time.
Hanno/Lucius finds a shrine with Maximus' armor and shield in it, and now he really starts to look like his father. Macrinus, who's kind of like the "Don King" of ancient Rome, sets up the match between Lucius and Acacius, who's kind of like his stepfather. How ironic that the man Lucius came to Rome to kill would turn out to be sleeping with his mother. They have a gladiator fight and Lucius wins, but he can't bring himself to kill Acacius, so the Emperors do it for him.
Macrinus also turns the emperor brothers against each other, he convinces the smaller, weaker one to kill the larger, stronger one, but honestly neither of them look like they'd be very good in a fight. Too much inbreeding I guess, they both looked pale and sickly, better to let them kill each other with a couple plans within plans. This is Rome, there aren't really elections but the throne tends to go to those bold enough to take it. Geta becomes the Emperor and names his pet monkey as his VP, and Macrinus as the secretary of state or something.
Macrinus isn't done yet, not by a long shot - he convinces the Senate to put him in charge of the Praetorian Guard, then arranges the public execution of Lucilla, hoping that this will start a riot in the streets, which would be enough for the Senate to depose the Emperor, and if Lucilla's also out of the way, then Macrinus becomes the best candidate to sit on the throne. Oh, there's a riot all right, but it's a riot of gladiators revolting against their keepers, I mean, come on, there's a lot of weapons just lying around, this feels a bit like a no-brainer, right?
Lucius sends word for General Acacius's legions to approach from the port of Ostia, and the Praetorian Guard heads out from the city, and so the armies meet just in time to see Lucius and Macrinus battle to the death. This gives Lucius the perfect opportunity to reveal his lineage and unite all the armies behind him. Sure it's a bit corny, but this movie really swung big to try to tell an epic story.
Hey, remember when this movie got released last year, on the same weekend as "Wicked"? People were hoping for another "Barbie/Oppenheimer" thing but it just didn't really come together. I think maybe the two movies were so different that it would be hard to find people who wanted to see both the musical fantasy AND the gladiator film together. Maybe there were a few people interested in both, but then they couldn't decide whether to call that "Gla-Dicked" or "Wadiator", so they really just called the whole thing off. Then "Gladiator II" got nominated for just one Oscar, which it did not win, and "Wicked" won at least two of them.
Directed by Ridley Scott (director of "Napoleon")
Also starring Paul Mescal (last seen in "The Last Daughter"), Denzel Washington (last seen in "The Little Things"), Pedro Pascal (last seen in "Drive-Away Dolls"), Joseph Quinn (last seen in "Overlord"), Fred Hechinger (last seen in "News of the World"), Lior Raz (last seen in "Operation Finale"), Derek Jacobi (last seen in "The Gathering Storm"), Peter Mensah (last seen in "300: Rise of an Empire"), Matt Lucas (last seen in "Wonka"), Alexander Karim (last seen in "Dying of the Light"), Yuval Gonen, Richard McCabe (last seen in "Napoleon"), Riana Duce (ditto), Tim McInnerny (last seen in "The Aeronauts"), Alec Utgoff (last seen in "Mortdecai"), Rory McCann (last seen in "Slow West"), Yann Gael, Alfie Tempest (last heard in "Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio"), Amira Ghazalla (last seen in "The Rhythm Section"), Richard Katz (last seen in "Guardians of the Galaxy"), David Ganly (last seen in "Body of Lies"), Hadrian Howard, Lee Charles, Chris Hallaways, Chi Lewis-Parry, Angel Gomez de la Torre, Tom Moutchi (last seen in "The Hustle"), Dean Fagan, May Calamawy (last seen in "Together Together")
with archive footage of Russell Crowe (last seen in "Thor: Love and Thunder"), Spencer Treat Clark (last seen in "Weird: The Al Yankovic Story")
RATING: 7 out of 10 tiger sharks (yeah, that happened)
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