BEFORE: Halfway through August, and I wish I could say that this too-long summer is winding down, but honestly, we're not even 2/3 of the way through, if you go by the official dates of summer, not the social ones. It's June 21 to September 21, don't blame me, I didn't put a tilt in the earth's axis or define the seasons according to equinoxes and solstices. Memorial Day and Labor Day, the "unofficial" start and end to summer, are just society's constructs - so I've still got some summer blockbusters to get to, including tomorrow's Marvel movie, the new Indiana Jones film, the Puss in Boots sequel, and, umm... the Elvis movie? I think that last one counts as a summer blockbuster, because it was released June 26 last year, but it didn't really pick up some steam until the fall awards season. (Speaking of that, what's this year's award season going to be like, if the actors are still on strike and they can't promote the movies they starred in? Will that create the most boring nomination period ever, or will it just level the playing field? And what about the Emmys and Oscars ceremonies? Just asking.)
Chloe Coleman carries over again from "65". One more film after this, then I'm on break, a road trip up to Massachusetts. But I've BEEN on break, more or less, since mid-June, and oddly what I really want to take a break from is this long break. Just 9 more days of relative inactivity...
THE PLOT: A charming thief and a band of unlikely adventurers embark on an epic quest to retrieve a lost relic, but things go dangerously awry when they run afoul of the wrong people.
AFTER: Well, the hope was that this would be a fun, action-packed romp through the fictional world of America's most popular RPG, the world of dwarves and orcs, sorcerers and clerics, you know the one, sort of one world over from the Middle Earth that Tolkien created, where anything can happen if your dungeon master can think of it, and hopefully you as a player can come up with some good dice rolls to counter. But if "Avatar: The Way of Water" felt like a video-game that you just can't play, what's this one going to feel like, an RPG that you just...watch?
The other hope here is that this film doesn't just remind me about my first marriage, how playing D&D in a mixed group together ended up driving a wedge between her and me, because she was attracted to another person in the group, and acting as a fantasy character, well, let's just say it brought up some stuff. But that did inspire me to think a lot over the years about turning that expeience into a screenplay, where you would see a bunch of twenty-somethings playing a popular fantasy RPG, and then you'd also see (through animation or live-action fantasy sequence) what's going on in the GAME, and then ideally, over time, you might realize that these people's characters are either a representation of how they see themselves or who they want to be, and that's eventually going to spill over into the real world. Suddenly by playing the game they realize that their boring real lives just aren't enough any more. Eventually in the fantasy world a line would be crossed, and then the desire to repeat that in the real world, and by then a relationship would fracture, and the group would split up. At the end you'd see the game characters just standing around, wondering if the humans would ever return to the game and give them some more missions to do.
But that's my idea, and I've made several attempts to turn it into a better story, only I don't really have the talent, or the contacts to find someone who does, and then I just end up deciding it's better to let sleeping dogs lie and not remind myself of the ill will and life-altering consequences that resulted from being in a D&D group for several years. I've moved on and decided that it doesn't much matter any more, as we all must with certain things.
Anyway, I managed to not sink into that despair while watching this movie, that's a good thing, there was enough action and changes of scenery and twists and complications in the mission to keep my brain occupied. Though I did have to stop watching with about 45 minutes left, because we had a hard rainstorm and when my wife's cat came up from the basement, that was a strong sign that probably the backyard got flooded, the drain by the back door got clogged, and water was coming in. Yep, that was the deal - when it rains super-hard all the little sticks and leaves in the backyard get swept into the drain, and I have to go outside with a screwdriver and clear the debris so the drain at the low point will work again. Only then will the water stop coming in, but then we had to mop up the water that did come in, not as much as in previous floodings, because I think I caught the problem early, but still, now the dehumidifier has to run for a few days just to dry the place out - this would only be a problem if I had a room full of books down there, which I do. But I think if I do some triage, I'll find that only the lowest level of books on the floor will be water-damaged, and I don't want to start moving things around, because then I'll be moving the already-damaged books out of harm's way, and replacing them with others, which will then be in the line of fire. Umm, water.
Wait, I'm digressing again. Dungeons & Dragons, right. Ironically there was a flood at one point in the film, but one created by magic, not by rain. Lots of good fight scenes and magic-based action sequences, they spent a fair amount of money making this ($150 million) and it looks like it turned a profit ($208 million box office) but apparently that wasn't enough to break even, once you factor in the advertising and promo budget, so from the studio's POV, this film did NOT break even, therefore a flop. There was a film released in 2000 that was a minor hit (but also still lost money) and then two TV movies that were, by all accounts, terrible. (And that's not even taking into account "Mazes & Monsters", the unofficial TV movie where a young Tom Hanks's character got brainwashed by playing an RPG.). So I'm genuinely happy that this franchise finally scored a minor win, it's been a long time coming, and it's amazing that they still found a studio to invest money in making this film, given the track record - but still, it didn't make three times the cost, so now that probably puts a damper on the plans for a sequel.
Finally, somebody had the right way to approach a D&D movie - essentially it's a heist film, just one set in the fantasy realm of Faeron (Forgotten Realms). Every successful D&D team needs a good thief, they're excellent at spotting and disabling traps, in addition to being sneaky fighters and (with enough charisma points) also very charming and likable. Assuming that they're lawful netural at least, not chaotic evil. (Chaotic evil characters just really wouldn't even work on a team, like at that point, you're probably better off re-rolling when creating your character...). It might be rare to see a thief LEADING a team, but maybe a fighter or a cleric would be more likely to recruit a team for a mission, but hey, when a thief puts a team together, bing bang, you've got a heist movie. (Why they didn't re-title "The Hobbit" as "Gandalf's Fifteen", I honestly have no idea.)
Originally there was a group of five in this story that pulled a heist together, and that was thief Edgin Darvis, barbarian fighter Holga Kilgore, half-elf sorcerer Simon Aumar, Forge Fitzwilliam (the team leader) and necromancer Sofina. Edgin used to be a member of the Harpers, a group dedicated to good causes, but after his wife died (killed by the disciples of an evil Red Wizard that he helped imprison) he turned his back on the organization and re-invented himself as a bard and thief. (It's unusual for a D&D character to have a story arc, because once you roll for your attributes and figure out who you want to be, that's it, that's the thing you are...). Forge got Edgin to help with this heist by promising him a Tablet of Reawakening as part of his share, which would help him resurrect his dead wife.
But something went wrong during the heist, and Edgin and Holga were caught and imprisoned, while the other team members got away. Later on we find out that this was part of the plan all along, and Forge had no intention of protecting his team or rescuing them later, so I guess it turns out he was secretly chaotic evil himself. OK, lesson learned, and we catch up with Edgin and Holga in a giant arctic prison, on the day of their parole hearing, where they relate the events that landed them in Revel's End prison to begin with. They've actually got a daring escape planned, but it depends on a particular adjudicator showing up for their hearing, and apparently he's stuck in caravan traffic. Oh, well, they manage to get out anyway, but in a comically ironic way.
Once out of prison, they look up their old teammates (again, standard for a heist film) but they learn that Forge is now going by the name Lord Neverwinter, has been taking care of Edgin's daughter (and poisoning her mind against her father) and also Sofina the Necromancer is actually a Red Wizard herself. Also, they betrayed Edgin and Holga on that last heist, and now that their old team members have come calling again, it's time to have them executed. Not great. But hey, there's some good news, as the new Lord of Neverwinter, Forge is bringing back the High Sun Games, which are a bit like the Olympics if you combined them with the Hunger Games.
Edgin and Holga (mostly Holga) manage to fight off the executioner and the guards and escape again, in order to track down their old sorcerer pal, Simon Aumar, and try to put the old team back together and add some new members. And when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, so naturally the best plan the thief can come up with is to pull off a heist, and rob the treasury of the High Sun Games, also hoping that somewhere in that treasure stash is also that Tablet of Awakening that can make Edgin's wife alive again. The team recruits another member, Doric, a druid shapeshifter who can turn herself into any animal, bird or even insect, and while disguised as a literal "fly on the wall", she learns that Forge's vault has magical defenses that their average sorcerer can't disable (harder to break into than a casino vault, in other words) and so they need to find The Helm of Disjunction, which the sorcerer SHOULD be able to use to disable any magical enchantments in the surrounding area. And tracking down this helmet leads them to a paladin named Xenk Yandar, who leads them into the depths to get the helmet, protected by a dragon, and as a final alignment based twist, in return for the helmet, Edgin has to promise to distribute the proceeds from the heist among the people of Neverwinter, and not just distribute it among the team.
Whew, that's a lot, it's a very complicated set-up, and that doesn't even get us to the point where the group actually steals something - Simon also has to attune himself with the helmet by making peace with his grandfather's spirit, and also Holga has to make peace with her halfling ex-husband, and Edgin has to somehow try to convince his own daughter that he didn't leave her on purpose, and even that first failed heist was for her benefit. So basically every team member has to confront their pasts, improve their extraneous relationships with others and settle their accounts before they can pull off the heist. Most D&D campaigns are NOT places where geeks confront their personal relationship problems, honestly I thought until now that my story was unique, but who knows, maybe this is all par for the course.
There's also some good bits here in dealing with both the dead AND the undead - in addition to Edgin being motivated by the possibility of resurrecting his wife, the paladin has a backstory about the Red Wizards turning a crowd into an army of the undead that becomes really relevant later on, and then the sorcerer happens to have an amulet that will resurrect a corpse so you can ask it five questions only, and they use this to ask dead soldiers where the Helm of Disjunction is, and it's really the funniest and funnest part of the movie.
I feel kind of sad that so much of the gameplay just doesn't transfer over to a movie version, things like hit points and saving throws and being forced to buy rations before going on a long journey, but I also understand that these are the things that would turn off the average movie-goer, who wouldn't want to get bogged down in the rules and the details. I guess any time you turn a book or a play into a movie there are some things that just can't carry over, and it's a bit like that. It's still a great effort, though, to give this nerd-centric game some mass appeal.
Also starring Chris Pine (last seen in "The Contractor"), Michelle Rodriguez (last seen in "Widows"), Regé-Jean Page (last seen in "The Gray Man"), Justice Smith (last seen in "Jurassic World Dominion"), Sophia Lillis (last seen in "It Chapter Two"), Hugh Grant (last seen in "The Bubble"), Daisy Head, Bradley Cooper (last seen in "Nightmare Alley"), Spencer Wilding (last seen in "Jupiter Ascending"), Will Irvine, Nichoas Blane (last seen in "In Secret"), Bryan Larkin, Sarah Amankwah, Colin Carnegie (last seen in "Zoo"), Georgia Landers, Clayton Grover, Barry O'Connor, Dan Poole (last seen in "Moonwalkers"), Ian Hanmore, Paul Bazely (last seen in "Cruella"), Kenneth Collard (last seen in "Tale of Tales"), Jason Wong (last seen in "The 355"), Hayley-Marie Axe, Richie Wilson, Philip Brodie (last seen in "Unlocked"), Michael Redmond, Daniel Campbell (last seen in "Outlaw King"), Darren Kent, Claude Starling, Paul Lancaster (last seen in "Operation Mincemeat), Sharon Blynn (last seen in "Spider-Man: Far From Home"), Rylan Jackson, Appy Pratt, David Durham, Luke Bennett, Moe Sasegbon, Trevor Kaneswaran, Emer McDaid, Seamus O'Hara (last seen in "The Northman"), Edgar Abram (ditto), Tom Morello, R.F. Daley (last seen in "Game Night"), Richard Croxford (last seen in "The Lost City of Z"), Rylee Neilly-Large, Kim Chapman, Tom Mason Duffy, Sophia Eleni,
RATING: 7 out of 10 Intellect Devourers
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