Hercules (2014)

Year 15, Day 174 - 6/23/23 - Movie #4,474

BEFORE: I took some steps to fix my income problem for the next two months - two words: medical research.  Don't freak out now, I saw an ad on Facebook for a medical study run by a legit NYC well-respected hospital, and it's testing a vaccine that I was probably going to get anyway, that was on my "to do" list.  But when I saw the research promo, I thought, "Why should I pay for a doctor's visit to get that vaccine, when I can join a medical research study, get the vaccine for free, and also get compensated for my time?  It's not a lot of money per visit, but if there are multiple doses and follow-up visits, then that per diem could add up to some real money very quickly.  I just have to pass the medical interview, and since I'm the right age, with no chronic conditions, that should be a breeze.  A couple shots, a few trips uptown, and then I've got some money to get me through the summer if I don't get hired for the jobs I'm applying for.  Maybe I can also find a couple of focus groups to take part in, and then September will be here before you know it.  (Look, I worked a lot of hours in May and June, so I've still got money coming in for the next month, the school is on a delayed payment schedule.  That takes care of July, so I just need a little more income in August, and then I don't have to worry. Thanks, Big Pharma...)

Dwayne Johnson carries over from "Black Adam". I feel like I've done a Dwayne Johnson mini-chain every year for like the last five years.  There always seem to be about three films with him that I missed the year before, or is it just me?  I guess I did overlook him in 2021, but I made up for it with 7 appearances in 2022.

THE PLOT: Having endured his legendary twelve labors, Hercules the Greek demigod, has his life as a sword-for-hire tested when the King of Thrace and his daughter seek his aid in defeating a tyrannical warlord. 

AFTER: Ah, I realized a bit too late who the director of this film is - somebody who I once banned outright from my Movie Years, because I knew him in college at NYU and he was a total jerk. But then I watched "The Family Man" and "After the Sunset", which he also directed, so I guess I couldn't ban him forever if I'm going to keep doing this.  Around here I just refer to him as "He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named", but you can look him up.  He got cancelled during the "meToo" movement, and rightfully so based on everything I knew about him back in the late 1980's. Eventually the world caught up with me and realized this was a terrible, terrible person who degraded women, and therefore he's no longer allowed to make movies.  Seems about right, but didn't he make a lot of money in the past, and wasn't he also a terrible person then, too?  Maybe he still owes compensation to somebody, just figure out who and make it happen, because I think he probably still has a house and a car and why not take all that away from him, since he made that money while degrading women. 

I wonder how many of the problems that Warner Bros. has had in the last few years can be traced back to him - his production company had a mega-deal with WB to produce like 75 movies, some of which were based on DC Comics, and I think the trouble for him started when Gal Gadot wouldn't work with him, based on his reputation and the allegations against him - that was the beginning of the end, and not long after that several women came forward to accuse him of sexual misconduct, and then, well, major companies started cutting ties with him.  "Hercules" was the last film he directed before his downfall, and it just may end up being, well, the last film he directed.  I'm OK with that. 

At the same time that one person's star was falling, another person's star was rising - while this was by no means the first film that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson appeared in, it was just as he was transitioning from movie star to superstar.  Sure, he got his start as the Scorpion King, but he kind of got bogged down in comedies like "Get Smart" and "Tooth Fairy", and low-class action films like "Race to Witch Mountain" and "The Rundown".  And what the heck was "Journey 2: The Mysterious Island"?  Around about "Hercules" was when Hollywood started to say, "Oh, we GET IT, this guy belongs in super-outrageous, big budget action movies..." and this led to "San Andreas" and "Rampage" and "Skyscraper" and the "Jumanji" films, all kind of over-the-top and a bit tongue in cheek.  I think maybe "Hercules" was some kind of turning point, if that makes sense. 

And I hate to say this, I really do, but this isn't a terrible movie.  It's no "Red Notice", hell, it's no "Jungle Cruise", but it gets the job done in being a sword-and-shield ancient Greek sort of thing.  If I've got a problem with the story, it's that the famous 12 Labors of Hercules are only seen at the start of the film, in quick flashbacks.  Umm, that's the single most famous thing about Hercules, that he did these twelve very difficult, near impossible tasks.  THERE'S your movie, watching Hercules fighting the Nemean Lion and slaying the Hydra, capturing the Erymanthian Boar and the Cretan Bull, stealing the Mares of Diomeded, the girdle of Hippolyta, and the cattle of Geryon, and so forth.  Hell, I'd watch that movie, if somebody would make it - or maybe there are enough labors for two or three movies, so hey, it's a franchise!  Part of the fun would be seeing Hercules tasked with something impossible, like cleaning the Augean stables, then coming up with an ingenious solution like diverting a river to accomplish it. 

Instead, we're shown Hercules after these labors were accomplished - supposedly. It's kind of implied that maybe he DIDN'T do all these near-impossible things, and the stories that we know now were also just stories back then.  Eh, this is KIND of interesting, because it suggests that maybe the Greek religion is just as impossible to believe and full of crap as our modern religions are.  Maybe Hercules was just a strong guy and an accomplished warrior who just got a lot of good press, or had professional storytellers working to enhance his travels and feats JUST a bit, but actually a lot.  I can work with this, too - because we all know now there were no Greek gods, that people back then would believe just about anything, like Zeus turning into a bull to impregnate young maidens (or the women back there were into some kinky stuff...).  And therefore, by extension, if the Greek gods weren't real and just stories, then....well, it's not looking good for Jesus either, if you follow me. 

Ugh, so I want to hate this based on who directed it, but I also kind of appreciate what it had to say about religion being a lot of hooey and tall tales.  Can I like what this movie was suggesting and still hate the director who made it?  OK, good, that's the plan then.  The story also says that Hercules was driven mad by Hera and killed his whole family - but then maybe that's not true, either.  If not, then what happened?  Ah ah, no spoilers here. 

Hercules also travels with a whole team of comrades here, a few too many to keep track of if you know what I mean.  I couldn't keep Autolycus apart from Ialoaus at the end of the day, too confusing. And wasn't Hercules also known as a lone wolf sort of guy, who single-handedly did all those labors and fought whole armies and stuff?  Having so many companions kind of dilutes the brand a bit, doesn't it?  

What's weird is that none of these great strategists hired by King Cotys to defeat Rhesus and his army of non-Centaurs is able to figure out that training the Thracians is a BAD idea, and that the King is a similarly BAD man.  They're all wracked with regret when they realize that they took a bunch of soldiers on the wrong side of history and taught them all their good battle tactics.  Oh, great, now the army of soldiers with bad intentions is also great at fighting, and it's all your fault! Who could have seen that one coming?  What good is earning gold for training the army when that army takes over the whole of Greece and triples the taxes?  You guys broke this ancient city-state, so you'd better march right back there and start fixing it!  And who knows, maybe if you take down the evil power you might also find out what really happened to Hercules' family at the same time!  That would be a bonus, wouldn't it? 

Also starring Ian McShane (last seen in "Hellboy" (2019)), John Hurt (last seen in "The Limits of Control"), Rufus Sewell (last seen in "The Father"), Aksel Hennie (last seen in "The Cloverfield Paradox"), Ingrid Bolso Berdal (last seen in "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters"), Reece Ritchie (last seen in "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time"), Joseph Fiennes (last seen in "Risen"), Tobias Santelmann, Peter Mullan (last seen in "Welcome to the Punch"), Rebecca Ferguson (last seen in "Reminiscence"), Isaac Andrews (last seen in "Ready Player One"), Joe Anderson (last seen in "Becoming Jane"), Stephen Peacocke (last seen in "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot"), Nicholas Moss, Robert Whitelock (last seen in "The Bank Job"), Irina Shayk, Christopher Fairbank (last seen in "Papillon" (2017)), Ian Whyte (last seen in "The Northman"), Karolina Szymczak, Barbara Palvin, Robert Maillet (last seen in "Game Over, Man!"), Mark C. Phelan (last seen in "Radioactive"), John Cross.

RATING: 5 out of 10 MORE unhelpful premonitions