BEFORE: Well, we're about as far away from Halloween as we can get, which puts me in a bit of a bind. What do I do when the films I want to see only seem to link to horror films, or a horror film ends up being a necessary link between, say, my St. Patrick's Day film and my Easter film? Well, I've made exceptions before, and it helps when that horror film doesn't seem to link up with any of the other horror films, so I don't really mind separating this one from the herd. After all, a film with love or romance in it doesn't HAVE to be screened in February, they've been known to pop up in other months, so why can't a scary movie?
I'm assuming, of course, that this is a horror movie, it was kind of pitched that way, but the TV series it was based on was more campy than scary, so who knows. That show was part of the ABC "jiggle-fest" in the 1970's that also included "Charlie's Angels" and "The Love Boat", and with guest stars like Barbi Benton or Charo a young pre-teen boy was almost guaranteed a shot of a hot model in a bikini in every episode. This, plus watching Lynda Carter in "Wonder Woman" and Erin Gray in "Buck Rogers" probably jump-started puberty for me.
Speaking of female superheroes, now that "Black Widow" has been re-re-re-scheduled for July, I have found a couple of paths that will take me from the end of my documentary chain to a Mother's Day film. Actually, I've got a choice between two Mother's Day films, and I can decide later. And it's a bit of a Black History-themed chain that will get me there, so I've essentially re-scheduled Black History month from February to May. (not the month MLK was born, but May IS the month Malcolm X was born, so there you go)
And speaking of history, Women's History Month continues - March 25 is the birthday of Indian freedom fighter Usha Mehta (born in 1920), businesswoman Eileen Ford of Ford Models (born in 1922), American author (Mary) Flannery O'Connor (born in 1925), Indian politician and social advocate Kishori Sinha (born in 1925), and activist & feminist Gloria Steinem (born in 1934). Also Aretha Franklin (born in 1942) and actresses Bonnie Bedelia, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jenny Slate and Katharine McPhee.
The team of Jimmy O. Yang AND Ryan Hansen carries over from "Like a Boss".
THE PLOT: When the owner and operator of a luxurious island invites a collection of guests to live out their most elaborate fantasies in relative seclusion, chaos quickly descends.
AFTER: You might have seen this film in your cable listings as "Blumhouse's Fantasy Island" - however, I don't allow any possessives as part of my film's titles. I don't care how much money Tyler Perry makes, his name does not belong in the titles of all of his films, same goes for Lee Daniels - if you look back, I titled my post "The Butler", not "Lee Daniels' The Butler", because that would make no grammatical sense. We've got to come together as a society and not allow any of this, otherwise we'll all be stuck referring to "J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone", or "J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings", and where does that end? It's not "Disney's Mulan", it's just "Mulan", and it's not "Marvel's The Avengers", it's just "The Avengers". Let's get real and be aware of what is and isn't part of a movie's title - give an inch and these studios will take a mile.
Anyway, about the only thing this film has in common with the 1970's TV show is the fact that the getaway island is owned and operated by a Mr. Roarke. But it's a different Latino actor playing him, since Ricardo Montalban hasn't been available for some time. (Gee, he hasn't had any acting credits since 2009, I hope he's doing OK.) He stills says, "Smiles, everyone, smiles!" to his workers, after the guests arrive via "De PLANE!" (Sniff, pour one out for Hervé Villechaize...) The old Mr. Roarke used to teach the guests of Fantasy Island ironic but important lessons, like if they had a fantasy about getting back together with an old flame, or if they wanted to be a successful rock star or something, you could bet that by the time the fantasy was over, the guest might wonder why they ever wanted that in the first place. "Hey, you know what, Mr. Roarke, I don't need to be married to be happy, I found out that I'm quite satisfied by myself!" or "Hey, Mr. Roarke, I don't need a million dollars and fame to be happy, because true happiness comes from within!" OK, maybe not exactly that, but it was usually something to that effect.
The new Mr. Roarke's got a real mean streak about him - the new fantasy scenarios put people in danger, and we're led to believe that the danger is real. Plus Mr. Roarke finally gets an origin story, and it's tragic but also kind of creepy, and it makes you wonder whether he controls the island, or the island's controlling him. Is he the master of the island, or is he a prisoner? And how DOES all the fantasy/magic stuff work, anyway? The guests figure it's got to be all done through either special effects or hallucinogens, or virtual reality holograms mixed with sleight of hand, or something, but we never really find out, do we? The old show once had Mr. Roarke facing off against the devil, if memory serves, but did that suggest that he himself was an agent of a higher power? Was he doing the lord's work on Fantasy Island? Because now this reboot comes along and contradicts that, perhaps he's showing people twisted versions of their fantasies as some form of hellscape...
Then there's the possibility that the whole thing is some other kind of ruse, that these particular guests were given free trips under false pretenses, that in fact they all have something in common, they share a dark secret from their collective pasts...but at this point, you may be used to the constantly shifting sands of this storyline. What happens when the fantasies not only go wrong to prove a point, but also start crossing over with each other and intersecting? I thought they weren't supposed to cross the streams...
Honestly, it's a lot to take in, and the rules of time and space are bent pretty liberally here, in order for a man with a soldier fantasy to meet his dead father for the first time in years, and for a woman to go back to a moment five years ago when she turned down her boyfriend's marriage proposal. Sure, it's one thing to build a replica of that restaurant on a tropical island, and somehow brainwash her boyfriend (or pay him off) to make him think he's recreating that moment, but it's another thing entirely to use time travel FOR REAL to change the events of the past. Honestly, which is more likely? And if it's neither, then are we back on the hallucinogen theory?
Plus, who is the mysterious stranger with the machete that seems to be living off the grid, while trying to collect information about how this whole crazy island works in the first place, to either shut it down or tell the world what kind of freaky stuff is taking place in the tropics? Revenge fantasies, time travel, maybe some zombies, just what is happening here, and who, if anyone, is in charge? But man, this is a long, long way to go just to end up back where we all started...
You can judge this film for yourself, just be aware that it's currently up for FOUR Golden Raspberry Awards, for Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel, and TWO contenders for Worst Supporting Actress. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Also starring Michael Peña (last seen in "End of Watch"), Maggie Q (last seen in "The Con Is On"), Lucy Hale, Austin Stowell (last seen in "Battle of the Sexes"), Portia Doubleday (last seen in "Her"), Michael Rooker (last seen in "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2"), Parisa Fitz-Henley (last seen in "The Jane Austen Book Club"), Mike Vogel (last seen in "What's Your Number?"), Evan Evagora, Robbie Jones, Kim Coates (last seen in "Goon: Last of the Enforcers"), Ian Roberts (last seen in "Superman Returns"), Charlotte McKinney (last seen in "Baywatch"), Josh McConville (last seen in "War Machine"), Tane Williams-Accra, Edmund Lembke-Hogan, Goran D. Kleut (last seen in "Alien: Covenant"), Joshua Diaz.
RATING: 4 out of 10 hand grenades
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