BEFORE: Almost done with March films, and the Samuel L. Jackson chain - both should run out at exactly the same time. Then I've got to deal with April - which is mostly set already, thanks to this Batman & Superman chain I've got worked out. There's also a film I want to see at the Tribeca Film Festival, however, and it should fit neatly in the schedule, then I can program all the way to Mother's Day and just a bit beyond.
I've got about 2 dozen films that are languishing at the end of my watchlist, not connected to anything. I should probably take a run through their cast lists to see if they can provide any filler that I need (2 more films, or 2 days off, and I'll hit Mother's Day square on...) but I have to accept that at some point, my links are going to run out, and I'll be left with a certain number of random films that will defiantly not connect to anything, even by subject matter. It's too horrible to think about.
THE PLOT: An extreme sports athlete, Xander Cage, is recruited by the government on a special mission.
AFTER: The year was 2002, a former U.S. president (Jimmy Carter) had just visited Cuba, and a young Dick Cheney became the leader of the free world for a few hours while George W. Bush had a colonoscopy. And the world was ready for a new kind of movie spy, the kind that could drive a car off a bridge, ride a snowboard down a mountain, and jump out of a plane very close to the ground.
That's the theory, anyway - Vin Diesel had only been in a few movies at this point, like "Pitch Black" and "Boiler Room", and had only made ONE movie that was both fast and furious. I know, it's hard to remember that far back.
But mostly, this proves to me that the 1970's + 80's era James Bond films didn't have a monopoly on semi-seriousness. This one sort of lives at the same crossroads, including both serious action and silly gadgets. (Other spy films tend to be either more serious, like "Mission: Impossible", or more silly, like "Spy" or "Austin Powers" - this XXX film is right down the middle.)
And now I know that I've reached the saturation point on spy movies, because I'm seeing the same clichéd elements, again and again. Xander Cage is recruited to be a spy (because of his prowess at extreme sports, of course) and is the standout among a group of 5 or 6 recruits, just like Eggsy in "Kingsman: The Secret Service" last night (and they both got in trouble for stealing a car, putting them on the agency's radar). And they put the recruits through testing scenarios that might be real, might be fake ("Kingsman" again). And there's a mercenary group here made up of former agents from Russia and other countries (Hmm, just like in "Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation") Also, Cage's escape from being tied up looked suspiciously like the one Tom Cruise pulled off in that recent M:I film, PLUS there's a female agent who's deep under cover with the band of bad guys....
But I think I've got it backwards - I can't fault "XXX" for sharing story elements with films that were made 12 years later - if anything, I should be blaming "Kingsman" and "Mission: Impossible" for lifting plot points from THIS one. But I think it also proves that "XXX" is pretty standard fare, because late in the film the villains have a biological weapon that's going to be used to take down a whole city (umm, that's like in every spy film, ever) and here it gets mounted on a submarine that for some reason, seems designed to never go under water. So, therefore, it's not a submarine - the prefix "sub" meaning "under", after all.
It's not until Cage drives after the submarine with a souped-up gadget-enhanced Pontiac GTO, and there are conveniently enough roads running right next to the river to allow this to happen, that the film goes from slightly silly to supremely silly - and I swear, after he and the car's passenger switch places without stopping the car (which only works in the movies, kids, try this at home and you will probably crash and die) he proceeds to fire a harpoon gun at the above-water submarine, then use a parachute to parasail behind it, then slide down the line to reach the submarine, and disable it at the last possible second. Even for an "extreme sports" guy, no effing way.
Also starring Vin Diesel (last seen in "Riddick"), Asia Argento, Marton Csokas (last seen in "Sin City: A Dame to Kill For"), Michael Roof, Werner Daehn, Richy Müller, Tom Everett, Danny Trejo (last heard in "The Book of Life"), Thomas Ian Griffith, Eve, Leila Arcieri, William Hope, with cameos from Tony Hawk (last seen in "Parental Guidance"), Carey Hart, and the band Rammstein.
RATING: 4 out of 10 fake tattoos
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