Muppets Haunted Mansion

Year 14, Day 261 - 9/18/22 - Movie #4,247

BEFORE: Taraji P. Henson carries over from "Minions: The Rise of Gru". Actually, two other actors do, too - Will Arnett in a lead role and Danny Trejo in a cameo.  So that's great, multiple connections to the last film.  But wait, before I get into the film, I have to debate whether this constitutes a "movie".  The IMDB lists this as a TV special, what's the difference?  What makes a movie a movie?

Is it length?  Because this one's only 52 minutes long -  that's a very short movie, so maybe it's NOT a movie.  But I know from reading the Academy rules for Oscar qualifications, and the general rules for film festivals, that anything under 40 minutes (including credits) is considered a short film, so this is longer than a short film, which makes it "feature-length", and if it's a feature, then maybe it's a movie.

Is it where the material aired?  Because this streamed on the Disney Plus service, which shows a mix of movies and TV shows - but on a streaming service, is there even a difference any more?  Sure, anything with multiple episodes is a "series", but is a streaming series the same as a "TV series"?  Something would have to be on broadcast TV to be a TV show or a TV series or, by extension, a TV movie, right?  But I've allowed in TV movies before, like "Salem's Lot" and the original "It" miniseries, and this year's double dose of Winston Churchill, "The Gathering Storm" and "Into the Storm".  Those were made for the BBC, had no theatrical release, and are now airing on HBO Max as "movies", so none of that should disqualify "Muppets Haunted Mansion" from being considered a movie, right?  

I still have to cut ONE movie from my list, in order to hit the target number of 300 films for the year, and not go over - it's going to come down to either this one, "The U.S. vs. Billie Holiday" or "A Shock to the System", I think.  I could easily disqualify this one as a TV Special, not a "movie" and be done with it.  Taraji P. Henson is in tomorrow's film, too, so it's an easy drop and the chain would still survive.  

But, as soon as I think about cutting this one, then I don't want to do it. It's the perfect link between last week's kiddie movies, "Tom & Jerry", "Sing 2" and "Minions: The Rise of Gru" and my Halloween programming, which has decided, against all better judgement, to start itself early.  Don't blame me, it's the chain's decision, not mine!  I'm all for waiting until October 1 to start the scary movies, but the chain's got a mind of its own sometimes.  Looking at what's been programmed for the next 2 weeks, I've got a movie about Charles Manson, a film based on a Marvel comic about a vampire, and a mystery film that the IMDB also places in the "horror" category, then after that come the "Purge" films, all this BEFORE OCTOBER 1, this is madness!  

OK, I'll level with you.  I put a horror chain together, months ago, and it's always started with the "Purge" films, that's always been the plan.  But then I realized I have to work at New York Comic-Con, and then my wife and I planned an 8-day vacation in October, and all told, that's 12 days of October that are just not conducive to watching movies.  Now, I could allow the horror chain to stretch into November, that's one option - but that means two weeks of downtime here in September, I can't just sit around doing nothing when there are movies to watch!  Anyway, there's a chill in the air (maybe one day a week, but it's there) and they're serving pumpkin-based donuts and coffee at both Starbucks AND Dunkin, so it looks like my annual horror chain is starting early, just like the "unofficial" end of summer is Labor Day, but the "official" start of fall is September 22.  We're still in the between-time, but screw it, the horror chain is "unofficially" starting here, tonight.  Yah, we're going to ease into it, like a swimming pool... that will chill you to the BONE!  No one can prepare you for the horror that is...THE MUPPETS!

FOLLOW-UP TO: "The Muppet Christmas Carol" (Movie #2,199), "The Haunted Mansion" (Movie #2,457)

THE PLOT: On Halloween night, Gonzo is challenged to spend one night in the Haunted Mansion.

AFTER: The other big plus for watching this one last night - I had to get up early and work at that animation art sale again today, not AS early, because we didn't have to do set up on Day Two, we just left the tables as they were at the end of Day 1.  But still, I didn't want to oversleep on a day where there's money to be made for the company - so a 52 minute special, I mean MOVIE, was just perfect. I could knock it out on the computer, hit the hay early and try very hard not to sleep in, even though it was SUNDAY.  I have to start my training for New York Comic-Con somewhere, after all.  And we were pretty successful, we sold a bunch of art, made about half of what we usually make at NYCC - it makes sense, that's a four-day event, and this was a two-day event. Good news, our bake sale saved the rec center, now the kids can have a sock hop.

But now I still have to review "Muppets Haunted Mansion". Please save me from this nightmare, now I have to debate the finer points of a plot where we STILL DON'T KNOW if Kermit and Miss Piggy are still married, or divorced, or separated, or what.  I suspect they were never officially married, I think it was all a big publicity stunt - I think we learned from "Sing 2" that animals should only date animals of the same species, after all, so the thought of a frog and a pig living together and, you know, the other thing, it's unnatural, right?  And a bit disgusting, but I digress. 

Kermit's not the star here, thank GOD, he had his time in the limelight, right?  We've moved on, and that whole pig-marrying scandal nearly cancelled his career, anyway. Just me?  The star here is GONZO, believe it or not. (Anyway, you probably can't even tell me who performs the voice of Kermit, who took over after Jim Henson died?  You don't even know, do you? Kermit is so over.)  Anyway, Gonzo has to spend the night in a haunted mansion, because it's a challenge from, umm, somebody (?) and it's 100 years exactly since the magician the Great MacGuffin died, and they say he haunts the mansion, and so do a bunch of dead folk who look an awful lot like the other Muppets.  The haunted mansion is picking up the sympathetic vibrations from Gonzo, and the dead spirits have eerily taken on the looks of his close friends, or words to that effect. Really, it's just a cheap way to get all the characters into the show twice over.

His companion is Pepe the Prawn, who's always been a bit of an underused character, I think he just looks weird, and I prefer my shrimps to be not talking, fried in batter and silent on my plate. And he's got a Spanish accent and says a lot of things incorrectly, shouldn't this character also be cancelled for being a negative stereotype of Hispanic seafood?  They made a reference to Pepe's horrible luck dating women in the limo ride over, which perfectly (?) sets up why he falls so hard for a beautiful ghost named Constance who's married and killed six husbands and is looking for number 7.  Point of order - can a ghost get married, to a living person?  Geez, I guess if a frog can marry a pig, anything can happen, but come on, is that legally binding?  Like, he's a shrimp, and he's alive, how is she going to kill him, and then what happens, they stay married forever in the afterlife?  But she's not currently married to the other six guys?  People, it's right there in the vows - "till death do we part".  Once somebody dies, or if they're already dead, then the marriage contract is null and void, they are officially "parted".  So no, if Pepe gets married to a ghost, he does not have to stay with her forever, uh uh. 

But the haunted mansion is tricky that way - you can leave the mansion, sure, but only after you face your fears.  And in order to face your fears, first you have to articulate what your fears ARE, which is tough for a daredevil like Gonzo. (Remember the stunts he used to do on "The Muppet Show"? Gonzo was the puppet version of Super Dave Osborne...who was the comedy version of Evel Knievel.). Gonzo is told to visit Room 999, which is difficult to find - I'd try the ninth floor, but what do I know?  Haunted house physics seem really weird, what with the hallways that keep getting longer and the foyer that somehow gets taller.  In order to get OUT of Room 999 (which is really Room 666, duh) Gonzo has to come to terms with the fear that nobody will like him UNLESS he keeps doing the dangerous stunts.  Ah, the price of fame. He also has the fear of getting older, the fear of getting trapped in a haunted mansion (obvi) and the fear that his friends are having a great time at the Halloween party without him.  The greatest fear in the world, it turns out, is FOMO.  That's "Fear of Missing Out", not "Fear of Muppet Oligarchs". 

Once he faces his fears, Gonzo has succeeded, he's mentally beaten the Haunted Mansion, which peeks into your SOUL and uses your greatest fears against you, to keep you there forever.  And he's congratulated by his host, the butler, who is really...well, I don't want to spoil it. But Pepe the Prawn is still in the mansion, about to be married to a ghost.  Gonzo risks his freedom to save Pepe, and that's the real accomplishment.  When the butler lets them go, and it's because Gonzo faced his fears, there's a missed opportunity here.  He SHOULD have said, "Sure, you faced your fear, but you also risked your freedom to save a friend, and that's the greatest act of all."  Just saying, it would have been more powerful that way. 

Wow, some screenwriter REALLY doesn't like marriage. (Who hurt you?). And I'm kind of questioning if any of this is really appropriate for a kids special - I mean MOVIE, jeez, why do I keep doing that?  There's a bunch of cameos, stars appearing as ghosts, and one is Ed Asner - MAN, it's just WAY too soon for that. It may not be the last film or TV project he appeared in, but still, he died in August 2021 and this came out what, two months later?  Not cool. Sure, this is all in fun and it's all meant to be quite silly, but there's a harsh reality here that kids shouldn't have to face when we talk about ghosts and stuff.  Ghosts are dead people (umm, except ghosts don't exist) and vampires are undead people who drink blood zombies are dead people who eat brains and mummies are dead Egyptian people and doesn't this really call into question the "fun" nature of Halloween?  What the hell are we even doing, treating all the Halloween stuff like it's a fun time for the kids?  

I think the bigger takeaway, though, and watching the documentary "Street Gang" a couple months ago just confirmed it - puppeteers are very weird people, they make specials - er, movies - like this one.  When I think about the fact that I've spent thirty years in the world of independent film, and directors have big egos and independent filmmakers are a cheap, cowardly, cutthroat lot (I'm generalizing, here, but I stand by this) I realize that my station in life could be much, much, worse after all - I was sort of puppetry-adjacent for a few years, I knew a few people who worked for CTW and even smaller outfits.  Let me tell you first-hand, THOSE are the real freaks. 

Also starring Yvette Nicole Brown (last seen in "Lady and the Tramp" (2019)), Darren Criss (last seen in "Midway"), John Stamos (last seen in "Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project"), Kim Irvine, Quinn McPherson, with cameos from Alfonso Ribeiro, Edward Asner (last seen in "Betty White: First Lady of Television"), Chrissy Metz (last seen in "The Onion Movie"), Jeannie Mai, Sasheer Zamata (last heard in "The Mitchells vs the Machines"), Skai Jackson, Geoff Keighley, Pat Sajak, Justina Machado (last seen in "Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go for It"), Craig Robinson (last seen in "Conan O'Brien Can't Stop")

and the voices of Dave Goelz (last seen in "I Am Big Bird: The Caroll Spinney Story"), Eric Jacobson (ditto), Matt Vogel (ditto), Bill Barretta (last heard in "The Happytime Murders"), Peter Linz (last heard in "Muppets Most Wanted"), David Rudman (last heard in "The Muppets Christmas Carol"), Julianne Buescher, Alice Dinnean (last seen in "Smokin' Aces"), Bruce Lanoil, Brian Henson (last seen in "Street Gang: How We Got to Sesame Street"), Nicolette Santino, Alex Villa.

RATING: 5 out of 10 ghostly ballroom dancers