BEFORE: Well, I'm fighting with my drug dealer again - and by "drug" I mean cable television, and by "dealer" I mean a large cable provider with the initials TW. The time on my DVR was off by a few minutes, first 3 and then 5, which meant I was starting to miss the beginnings of shows. I swear, don't pay for cable TV until they get all the bugs worked out. I tried to reboot the box to reset the time, and the thing wouldn't reboot. I got a countdown from "10" that can't seem to get past "1", so the box may be a dud. But it is/was 40% full of shows, what happens to them? I paid for all that programming, and now I can't watch it? How come their first fix is to swap out the cable box, so I lose my shows, and all of the favorited programs I tell it to record? Aren't these shows just like files on a drive, and if so, why can't they download the files to a new drive for me before swapping the box? Jeez, when your computer crashes, you can take it somewhere and they'll recover the data, but with the cable company, they don't even try. It's like they're some giant faceless corporation that doesn't care about the individual, because they know I'm going to keep paying $200 a month to get my fix. Already I've got the shakes, trying to figure out how to maintain my habit with only 1 other DVR at home, a cable box at work and a small army of VCRs.
Tonight's film was NOT directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Which is going to feel a little weird, after watching so many films directed by Alfred Hitchcock. It's an unauthorized (I'm assuming) sequel. Which is good to know - you can just go out and film a sequel to any film you want. Didn't someone write an unauthorized sequel to "Gone With the Wind" a few years ago? Just pick your favorite film, slap a roman numeral "II" on it, and get to work. Worry about the legal ramifications later. Ain't America great?
Tippi Hedren carries over from "The Birds" - but she plays a different character here. Huh??
THE PLOT: Birds go berserk and turn against mankind.
AFTER: Some cable channel happened to run this when I was assembling all of the Hitchcock films, so I figured it was a good way to round out the DVD. Finally, a film that answers the lingering questions left over from "The Birds". Such as, "What the hell, birds?" and "Why are you acting like such dicks, birds?"
But this is where things get a little confusing, with an "indirect" TV movie sequel to "The Birds". Tippi Hedren lends the thing some credence, but not only does she NOT play Melanie Daniels, this is set in a different town from the first film. But at one point the characters talk about what happened in Bodega Bay, as if it's very far away. To further muddle things up, they filmed in the SAME house seen in the first film - only now it's in a different city ?? And in this city there is also a Tides Restaurant, just like in Bodega Bay. Now my head hurts, are we in the same city or not?
Tonight's film was directed by Alan Smithee, which you may recognize as the acknowledged pseudonym used whenever a director wants to take his name off of a project. Usually this means the film is very bad, and it won't be appearing on anyone's resumé.
Our central family is already assembled in this one, which saves a fair amount of time, and they come to an island summer house so that the father can get some writing done, and the mother can teach a famous photographer how to use a computer - but Mom's got a wandering eye and starts spending a lot of time with her new boss, and Dad's still mourning the loss of their young son from 5 years ago. It's not a large leap in logic to suppose that the birds attacks are a symbolic manifestation of their collective guilt. So this movie is perfect for anyone who might find Hitchcock films "too subtle".
Actually, that's not a bad read. There's some cockamamie explanation about "high tides" - but doesn't high tide happen twice a day? Why haven't the birds attacked during high tide in the last 30 years? Maybe they're attracted to human guilt, the way that dogs can smell fear. The most guilt-laden couple in history moves to town, and days later birds are swarming all over the place. Even back in Bodega Bay, maybe when Melanie was telling all those lies to Mitch, that's what made the birds attack in the first place - because she felt so guilty. And Annie waited to tell Melanie she was Mitch's ex-girlfriend, I bet she felt very guilty about that.
I'm 99% sure I'm overthinking this. I bet no screenwriter on "The Birds II" put this much thought into what the birds' motivations were. This is more for people who might have enjoyed "Sharknado" or "DinoCroc" on the Syfy channel. And true to form, just like the original "Birds" film, it doesn't really resolve anything at the end, it just kind of runs out of gas. It doesn't come close to making any sort of point at all.
Also starring Brad Johnson (last seen in "Always"), Chelsea Field (last seen in "The Dark Half"), James Naughton (last seen in "The First Wives Club"), Jan Rubes, Richard K. Olsen.
RATING: 2 out of 10 seagulls
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