BEFORE: I'm at the office on a Saturday, since I'm so far behind in updating our database/contact list. But this is a great opportunity to watch another film and also catch up on some TV. So I didn't watch a movie last night, I fell asleep around 11 and slept through - got a full 8 hours for the first time in a long while, and woke up refreshed - who knew?
Obviously, Schwarzenegger carries over from "Conan the Barbarian".
THE PLOT: Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess.
AFTER: Well, It's a good thing Conan brought his Chronicler along on his quests, otherwise how would they have ever made the Conan comic books, and ultimately these dumb-ass movies? This time Conan has to guide a virgin princess to find a gem that only she can touch, since only the woman with the sacred mark can switch off the special effects that protect the relics.
Whenever some king or queen declares that "The princess must remain a virgin" or "The princess cannot marry a commoner" - come on, you just KNOW what's gonna happen, right?
The trivia section for "Conan the Barbarian" on IMDB points out that Conan's backstory mimics that of Schwarzenegger himself: Conan's formative years are spent in a small village, then he gains fame and wealth through his physical prowess. Although at first given to wine and women, he eventually abandons his hedonism and uses his skills for acts of heroism. Conan eventually becomes a king, and Arnold became governor of California. But it states that, like Conan, "Schwarzenegger engaged in drug use and womanizing in his past, but gave those up later in life." Ha, that's hilarious - and shouldn't it be updated given his adultery scandal?
The production values are higher than they were on the first film, but they're still pretty bad by today's standards. And the fact that the alliances are always shifting, with friends becoming enemies, I'll give this one a slight edge over the original. I know they made an update/rebooted Conan film in 2011, but I have no desire to watch it. Like they totally gutted and redecorated the Dunkin Donuts near my office, so it now has bucket seats and video-screens, but really, it's putting out the exact same food as before.
Like the first Conan film, this one ends by showing him on a throne, after having finally gained his kingdom, promising to tell us another story about how he got there. It seems like there were plans to make a third film with Arnold, and those plans never came to fruition.
Also starring Grace Jones (last seen in "A View to a Kill"), Wilt Chamberlain, Mako, Sarah Douglas, Olivia D'Abo, Jeff Corey.
RATING: 4 out of 10 spitting camels
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