BEFORE: OK, we're one whole week into Shocktober now, and things have gotten serious, I've seen creepy things pretending to be cowboys and creepy things living under houses and creepy things making phone calls and using up your minutes. The nerve! And then a real creepy Creeper who wants to eat your tongue and smell your dirty laundry, not necessarily in that order. BAD Creeper! Stop being so creepy!
Now it looks like things are going to get a little - or a whole lot - sillier before the needle's going to swing back towards creepy and scary. "Swamp Thing" is based on a DC comic book, of course, and I was just hanging out with some people from DC Comics the other night at the Al Jaffee memorial. Hardly a place to do any networking, that wouldn't be proper. But hey, guys, call me if you're hiring, OK? I don't know if this film fits the technical definition of "horror", or if it's even meant to be taken seriously - all I know is I'm reaching back all the way to 1982, when I wasn't allowed to see this film because it had BOOBS in it for probably three seconds. Then I recorded it off of TCM about, I don't know, 10 years ago? Longer? I put it on a DVD with "Creature from the Black Lagoon" and "Return of the Creature", that should give you some idea.
This film is over FORTY years old, so I've avoided it passively for that long, and actively for let's say seven years, well that all ends tonight, I'm finally going to cross it off in this weirdest of all possible weird chains. I did say this year was going to be an odd mix of older films and newer ones, but the linking has dictated that. Ray Wise carries over from "One Missed Call".
THE PLOT: After a violent incident with a special chemical, a research scientist is turned into a swamp plant monster.
AFTER: Ugh, if I'd known this film was so bad, I would have kept on avoiding it. OK, it feels great to cross something off, but man, at the same time, what a WASTE of my time. It's a horror classic, OK, directed by Wes Craven but there also doesn't feel like there's anything really THERE, like how do you make a 90-minute movie that just doesn't feel like it's ABOUT anything at all? It's like wrapping up an empty box or trying to eat the air that comes in your bag of chips, rather than the chips themselves. I don't feel satisfied after, just empty, like I went out to a buffet and stupidly filled up at the salad bar, and I couldn't even sit there for a while and get hungry again, because the restaurant was about to close. Know what I mean?
OK, the meat of it is that scientist Alec Holland gets turned into a plant-based monster. Very eco-conscious, sure, if we make our monsters out of plant material, that's got to be better for the environment somehow, right? So in that sense, this movie was ahead of its time. But mostly it's one big chase scene through the swamps, with our monster hero popping up every time the women he had the hots for (after knowing her like a full five minutes) to bust the heads of the paramilitary unit that's chasing her. Also, she falls down - like, a LOT. That's called killing time, folks, turning a five-minute story into a 90-minute film, and certainly there's an art to that.
We'll chase her on foot, we'll chase her on cars, we'll chase her on boats, but really, isn't it just the same thing, over and over again? Chase her, catch her, Swamp Thing saves her. Chase her, catch her, Swamp Thing saves her. Repeat until we get close to the end of the film. Blow up a couple of boats and let the people think they're seeing a spectacle. P.T. Barnum would have been so proud. Alice is working for the government, sent to investigate the death of a lab worker in the swamps, where some scientists are working on isolating a plant-based chemical that blows up real good. Or something. It's also great for setting scientists on fire, so yeah, umm, be careful with that. Whoops, too late.
Alice saves the seventh of the scientist's six notebooks, and tries to deliver it to her mysterious employers, who send a bunch of goons in camouflage to kill her. Umm, you know if you asked her for the notebook really nice, she probably would have just given it to you, but no, go on, you do you and send in the weekend soldiers with dad bods. (Why settle for a six pack when you can have the whole damn keg?). The Swamp Thing appears on the scene several times to save Alice, but loses an arm in the process. That's OK, from what I hear it'll probably grow back.
Finally the Swamp Thing, who's a lot like the Hulk only without the extensive vocabulary, is defeated by a simple net - jeez, who saw THAT one coming. The big bad guy, Arcane, then sets out to torture Alice and the monster by forcing them to endure a great horror - a formal dinner party. (For the love of God, run for your lives!)
Arcane having both the chemical AND the Swamp Thing means nothing, however, unless he can duplicate the process of turning a man into a plant monster - and really, come on, why would you? Do we NEED more than one Swamp Thing? Honestly, do we even really need the one? What does this guy even bring to the table, or to your dinner party? Can he cook, can he paint, does he have any notable skills other than busting the heads of the military wannabes? Nope.
Another test subject is tricked into drinking the chemical - come on, now, that's not really fair - and does NOT become a Swamp Thing, he becomes a much smaller monster with pointy ears. And then, after all that, Arcane drinks the formula himself. Yes, that's right, he saw the chemical turn TWO men into hideous monsters, then decided to drink it straight, no chaser. What a dumb-ass. Did he NOT just see the drink turn TWO men into monsters? Because WE all saw it, so this guy's got a lot to learn about the experimental method.
The convoluted explanation here is that the chemical doesn't turn you into any specific thing, it only amplifies someone's natural qualities, so it turned Alec into the thing he loved, the swamp, and the other guy, well, OK, that's where the whole explanation breaks down, now, isn't it? Also, that's not how chemicals work, they can't be toxic to one person and not to the next. Let me drink this arsenic, I know it just killed those three other guys but I think I'm gonna be OK.
For that matter, there's zero attention paid to any actual science, I mean I know it's a comic book movie but it still has to exist in a world where there are rules of physics and chemistry and logic, and well, it's not that kind of film. It's set in a world where someone can be set on fire and fall into a swamp and emerge looking like a completely different person (or Thing) that's two feet taller, stronger and invulnerable and made of plants now. Yeah, great. But then they don't even really DO anything or go anywhere with that. Where's the damn third act?
There's a sequel to this film, called "The Return of Swamp Thing", but that's not going to link up with anything in my chain, so I'll pass. Then there have been TWO TV series also based on this story, and a recently-announced reboot that should be part of the new DC Universe that James Gunn is putting together. No thanks, gonna pass, I'm good.
Also starring Adrienne Barbeau (last seen in "Norman Lear: Just Another Version of You"), Louis Jourdan (last seen in "The V.I.P.s"), Dick Durock (last seen in "Mr. North"), Al Ruban (ditto), David Hess, Nicholas Worth (last seen in "Heartbreak Ridge"), Don Knight, Nannette Brown, Reggie Batts, Karen Price, Ben Bates, Mimi Craven, Bill Erickson, Dov Gottesfeld, Tommy Madden
RATING: 3 out of 10 Cokes from the gas station vending machine
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