BEFORE: Halle Berry carries over again from "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge". This film's been on my DVR since last October, I was eager to watch it when I recorded it, of course, but my linking path took me to other movies like "Don't Look Up" that seemed more important. Still, I found a place for it, eventually, and it's going to help me get through the summer, so there's that - but my enthusiasm seems to have dampened quite a bit. Also, I've never heard anyone talk about this movie, like nobody I know ever said "Hey, did you watch 'Moonfall'?" which is a bad sign. Oh, well, let's clear some space on the movie DVR!
FOLLOW-UP TO: "Don't Look Up" (Movie #4,286)
THE PLOT: A mysterious force knocks the moon from its orbit and sends it hurtling on a collision course toward Earth.
AFTER: So many questionable decisions here - it's a bit like that KFC bowl that Patton Oswalt once did a comedy routine about, where he called it a "failure pile in a sadness bowl". You might think hey, I like chicken, I Iove mashed potatoes and corn and gravy, so what could be wrong with putting them all together in one bowl - screw having things arranged on a plate like you're an adult with self-respect and dignity. No, by all means, have the restaurant put all of your food in one big bowl, like you're a dog. So you order it because the price is right, and if you like all those things separately, you'll like them together, right? Then before the meal is over, you're questioning all of your life choices that led you to where you now find yourself.
In a similar manner, this is a movie that takes bits and pieces of what Hollywood thinks you loved about "Armageddon", "Deep Impact", "The Day After Tomorrow" and let's say "2001: A Space Odyssey" and "Contact" and puts them together in a big bowl for you, knowing you're going to chow down on it, but then not doing anything to help with the shame and regret that you're going to feel after. Hey, you liked that part in "Armageddon" where the heroes had a big fight over who's going to sacrifice themself to save the world, right? And you liked watching meteors hit the earth in "Deep Impact", because it made you feel more alive and thankful that wasn't happening in real life, right? And you loved those bits in "The Day After Tomorrow" where people walked across the country while it was snowing and they eventually found each other again, right? So come on, it's a no-brainer, you're gonna LOVE this one.
And all you have to enjoy it is to unlearn everything you were ever told by science about the Earth and the moon and how life started. That's right, you were told that life started on earth, molecules came together in the primordial soup of the still-forming planet, then they got struck by lightning or something, and eventually there was DNA and consciousness and carbon-based one-celled organisms got together and made multi-celled beings, protozoa evolved into worms, then into fish, then walking fish, then animals, primates and eventually cavemen, it just took a REALLY long time, but that's OK because an asteroid killed the dinosaurs and history belongs to the winners, after all. Meanwhile a bunch of space debris formed a ring around the planet because gravity, and those pieces kept colliding into each other and eventually they formed a big satellite we call the moon, which is perfectly round because again, gravity and friction, and it's perfectly situated in a spot where it doesn't get any closer to the earth, and it also doesn't fly off into space and do it's own thing.
(Or maybe you believe God snapped his fingers and created the heavens and the earth in 6 days, then went on break. Your choice, but science chooses method A. Either way, forget all that because they're about to put every conspiracy theory ever together and blow your freakin' mind...)
So, here's a SPOILER ALERT because here comes the new theory on how everything started - the first beings lived a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (no, not that one) and they filled up their planet and they outlawed war and then they turned their attention to building giant rings in space and colonizing the galaxy. They created a giant factory that harnessed white dwarf stars for power, and built these big round vessels for those stars, ones that looked exactly like little planetoids, like the moon. These were really mega-structures, containing spaceships, people, computers, electronics - essentially the opposite of the Death Stars from "Star Wars" - they were designed to go out into the galaxy to find ideal planets to colonize, and then remain in orbit to monitor the progress of the new worlds. And apparently if they couldn't FIND appropriate planets, then they would help them form. (This bit is quite unclear, did the moon FIND the earth, or did it CREATE the earth. Or a little bit of both?)
The problem was, this society that overcame war and poverty and all bad nastiness also created artificial intelligence, and then something went wrong (this bit is also unclear...) and the AI formed nanotech that decided to turn on the Great Society that created it, and eliminate all human life. Yes, the great society that had it all somehow made a bad calculation and created EVIL A.I. - if you're looking for a greater metaphor here, like the climate change one in "Don't Look Up", I'm afraid this is it. A.I. = bad, which is exactly what the actors and writers in Hollywood are on strike for right now. Look, I'm not saying studio executives are looking into A.I. for the right reasons, clearly they just want to push a button and have a script written for them and take humans out of the process all together - we've seen where that ends, and it's called "Skynet" and an army of Terminator robots. So we don't want that - but surely there could be SOME noble use for A.I. in the future? Maybe A.I. could figure out an answer for climate change, for example, because right now we humans can't seem to do dick about it.
So yeah, the Apollo 11 mission learned the truth about the moon, but they kept that quiet for years. And then shuttle astronauts in 2011 saw the nanotech swarm, but instead of being honest about it, they blamed one of the astronauts for the death of another, while the third was conveniently unconscious. And instead of being thanked for saving the life of his "work wife", Jocinda Fowler, Commander Brian Harper was put on trial and thrown out of NASA, which led to the break-up of his marriage and turned his son into a juvenile delinquent. Things have repercussions, after all.
Meanwhile, there's a non-astronaut who keeps calling NASA to check on the moon's orbit, because he's convinced that it's getting closer to the planet, and wouldn't you know, he's right. Then he impersonates Brian Harper to tell a bunch of kids all his crazy theories, how the moon is a mega-structure built by aliens, and yet somehow he doesn't get in trouble for it. Then he breaks the news to everyone via social media that the moon's going to crash into the Earth in three weeks, and he doesn't get in trouble for THAT either. Go figure. Instead he connects with the maverick shuttle pilot and Jocinda Fowler, who just became the head of NASA, and they all set off on a broken-down, graffiti-covered space shuttle to fly to the moon and, you know, fix it with a bomb, because that makes sense.
They only have a limited amount of time, because Fowler's ex-husband is a military general who's going to help send missiles to the moon once it gets too close, even though they KNOW that blowing up the moon isn't going to fix things, it's only going to make things worse, once you factor in all the radiation from the missiles and the fallout from all the pieces of the broken moon. Blowing up the moon when it gets closer is basically a death sentence for the planet, so for God's sake, WHY is this seen as the solution to the problem? When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, so I guess when all you have is missiles, everything is just something to be blowed up. Still, this is just stupid on top of stupid. Who the hell wrote this?
Also meanwhile, Harper's no-good son is for some reason put in charge of making sure that Fowler's younger son gets to the military shelter in time, also protecting the kid's exchange-student live-in caregiver. They keep failing, though, because of all the rioting and looting that's going on because some idiot told the world that the moon was going to crash into the earth. Yeah, that seems about right. So instead they strike out for Aspen and hook up with Harper's ex-wife and her second husband and their two daughters, so the whole damn blended and extended family can face the end together. They have to evacuate because as the moon gets closer, it's sucking away all the oxygen and also causing "gravity waves" that somehow make tanker trucks float, and I think science will back me up here, this is absolutely 100% ass-backwards, because if the moon can create the tides in the ocean, then as it gets closer to the planet, it's going to INCREASE gravity rather than decrease it. Right? Or is the moon pulling cars and trucks and people towards itself? That doesn't really work, either, it's just more junk science on top of other junk science.
So we keep cutting between the team of three people in the shuttle who make it to the moon in record time (well, it is getting closer...) with a bomb to "fix" things, the families of those two astronauts who are trying to find a way to survive, and the team of army generals who are safe but are waiting for the right moment to fire all the missiles at the moon and blow it up, which would still kill everyone. Got it? Did I miss something, or is that all the stupid in one complete sentence? Man, I've got NITPICK POINTS for all of these situations, and I hardly know where to start. Here we go...
NP: They only had like HOURS to find the shuttle, get the shuttle into position, checked out, fueled, loaded with both a lander AND a rover, and ready for take-off. Ideally, this is a process that takes MONTHS, and they somehow do it in hours, at a time when all the NASA techs and crew members are either running for their lives, resigning or being dismissed for their own safety. Nope, not possible, not under these conditions. End of story.
NP: The shuttle can't use any "electronics" because doing that will alert the nano-storm, which can sense electronics being used by humans. OK, but you know the shuttle is full of electronics, right? Every single system on board, from navigation to climate control to deploying the lander is some form of electronics. What did they do, install some kind of hydraulic system or power the shuttle flight with a crank? This made zero sense. Even if they get to the moon and "power down", then at that point the shuttle would just be a floating piece of space junk, they wouldn't be able to DO anything without turning something on. And they're worried that the nanotech swarm can sense their cel phones? Ridiculous. Even the BOMB is powered by electronics, so if they have to keep the bomb turned on, the swarm will sense it, and if they turn the bomb off, then it won't work. Meanwhile, the solution to the cel phone? Just break it, because you can't possibly turn a cel phone OFF.
NP: Out of all the generals in that bunker, only ONE of them, Fowler's ex-husband, is against turning the key and launching the missiles that will blow up the moon and also destroy Earth in the long run. Really? Just one? And he only feels this way because his son is not safe in the bunker yet and his ex-wife is up on the moon, trying to fix things with a bomb? Yeah, this feels like a stretch. He draws his gun and holds the other generals at gunpoint to prevent them from firing the missiles - but this subverts the chain of command and seems a bit like treason, plus there are 12 other generals who could shoot back at him, so why is he suddenly in charge of determining the planet's fate? The first guy who draws a gun wins the argument? Also doesn't really work at all.
Then we've really got to get into the physics of this all. Sure, I understand a bit about the orbit of the moon - as I said before, the moon's in that gravity "sweet spot" where it's not too close to the Earth, and not too far away, either. (You can read all you want into the fact that when there's a solar eclipse, the moon appears almost exactly the same size as the sun, but maybe in the end this is just a coincidence.). Would you believe that the moon could get so close to the earth as to scrape off the atmosphere, maybe even knock off the tops of a few skyscrapers, and then somehow, against all logic and everything we know about momentum, RETURN to its natural orbit? No freaking way. At that point it would be so close to the planet that an impact would be inevitable, because that's how gravity works - they mention this at the beginning of the film, and then this fact gets casually ignored, or explained away because the moon really isn't a natural satellite, remember, it's more like a Death Star. Give me a freakin' break.
So I thought this one was going to be a cool film - but it was just a waste of time. Now I know why nobody was really talking about this film, it's just a bunch of nonsense and visual effects making the impossible possible. Did you ever get to where you were trying to go and then wonder why you thought that would be a good place to be? I guess we learn something from going on that journey, even if it seems pointless after the arrival.
Also starring Patrick Wilson (last seen in "Midway"), John Bradley (last seen in "The Brothers Grimsby"), Michael Peña (last seen in "Tom & Jerry"), Charlie Plummer (last seen in "All the Money in the World"), Kelly Yu, Donald Sutherland (last seen in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"), Eme Ikwuakor (last seen in "The Gray Man"), Carolina Bartczak (last seen in "X-Men: Apocalypse"), Maxim Roy, Frank Schorpion (last seen in "The Hummingbird Project"), Christian Jadah (ditto), Stephen Bogaert (last seen in "It: Chapter Two"), Andreas Apergis (last seen in "Birthmarked"), Tyrone Benskin (ditto), Kathleen Fee (last seen in "The Words"), Zayn Maloney, Ava Weiss, Hazel Nugent, Chris Sandiford, Jonathan Maxwell Silver, Ryan Bommarito, Frank Fiola (last seen in "Bad Santa 2"), Katy Breier (last seen in "The Calling"), Josh Cruddas, Kyle Gatehouse (last seen in "The Man from Toronto"), Andre Bedard (last seen in "X-Men: Dark Phoenix"), Zachary Amzallag, Michael Czyz, Randy Thomas, Azriel Dalman, André Lacoste.
RATING: 3 out of 10 free bagels
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