BEFORE: Christine Woods carries over again from "Paddleton". So I could have dropped "Paddleton" from the chain, because it was the middle film of three with the same actress, only I didn't, because that film was on my list for so long, I really needed to clear it, and I don't know when I would have another chance to do so. This one's probably been on the list for just as long, if not longer - the fact that Netflix produced it is probably the only reason it's STILL on Netflix. Or I think maybe the person who's supposed to remove older movies from the service keeps forgetting to remove this one, I think it's THAT under the radar. Come on, it was made in 2017, people have had 6 years to watch it, so if they haven't already done so, they're probably not going to.
THE PLOT: Gene Handsome is an L.A. detective who tries to make sense of his life as he solves crime. His knack for solving mysteries is matched only by his inability to solve his own problems.
AFTER: Well, this is another weird one, that's for sure. The kind that makes me ask questions like "Who made this?" and "Why was this made?" It's a detective spoof, but much less spoofy than say, "The Naked Gun" movies or "Murder by Death", it also has to kind of function like a real situation that could happen, while being mostly not serious at all. So, umm, why bother? Why set yourself up to make a spoof and then hold back on being funny? Just to set the right tone? Hey, if the audience is laughing from start to finish, they're not going to care about the tone. Just be funny! That should be the goal instead of just settling for "amusing".
Maybe the world was a different place in 2017, maybe Netflix had just started getting into producing movies for their own platform, instead of just leasing them on two-year trial periods. But whatever they paid to make this film, it's clear they were overcharged, because it just didn't deliver the funny - so maybe they had to amortize the cost over several years and take it as a write-off, which might explain why it's still streaming on their service, that probably means they haven't made their costs back yet, and if that's the case, I'm guessing they never will.
It's also possible this was meant to be the first of a whole series of films, like the detective shows of the 1970's like "Columbo" and "McCloud", which sort of followed the "murder of the week" pattern later adopted by the "CSI" shows. Here Detective Gene Handsome would solve a murder, and also interact with a celebrity guest in the closing few minutes of the movie, like a tag on a sitcom, just before the credits roll. Note, however, that no other films with this Handsome character were ever made, and there's a valid reason for that. It's a strange sort of murder mystery that tells the audience who the murderer is in the first few minutes of the film, just blurts it out, as if that isn't the whole reason to stay tuned in for the remainder of the film.
Oh, there are twists and complications, to be sure - but most of them are murder motives and methods suggested by the police department's recruits, who Handsome is training, and they're all far-fetched and ridiculous ideas that just have no possibility of existing (one recruit, for example, proposes that the dismemberment of the murder victim was due to a "drive-by". WTF?) while the case itself is fairly straightforward. It's also a little weird, however, that the case so closely intersects with Handsome's personal life - the murder victim baby-sat for his new next door neighbor - and yet he never really feels connected to it. Maybe we're conditioned to think of these film sleuths as cool and suave and we look forward to them hooking up with the attractive non-suspect at the end, but that's not really Handsome's style - if there were more chapters in this franchise, you'd probably see that he NEVER gets the girl at the end. Nor does he get to eat the cookies, but since he's got a weight problem, that's probably a positive thing.
It's a relatively short feature, just 80 minutes long, but then also, that's 80 minutes that I'm never going to get back. And the possibility of me thinking about this film in my final days and being glad that I spent 80 minutes watching it is practically nil. It's not the worst film ever made, but neither could watching it possibly be considered a constructive use of your time. While there are a few things about it that are mildly interesting - that guy, Joe Kenda, who plays a detective, is a real-life Colorado detective who solved 356 homicides in his 23-year career, for example - only, how am I supposed to KNOW that, why would I even look him up on Wikipedia? (I did, but come on, why WOULD I?). I guess he had a show on the I.D. channel where he talked about his most famous cases - but if you didn't know that, then his appearance in this movie just wouldn't make much sense.
Well, if nothing else, at least I learned the difference between a lotion and a cream, that you can study to become a dog masseuse, and why you should never loan gardening tools to your neighbor. Also, that you can buy a second book for your coffee table, however all this excess knowledge really gets me nowhere - nor does learning that if a woman plays the accordion for you, it could mean she wants to have sex with you. Nope, I can't do anything with that, either.
Also starring Jeff Garlin (last seen in "Kurt Vonnegut: Unstuck in Time"), Natasha Lyonne (last heard in "DC League of Super-Pets"), Amy Sedaris (last seen in "Clerks III"), Leah Remini (last seen in "The Clapper"), Steven Weber (last seen in "The Big Year"), Megan Ferguson (last seen in "Suburbicon"), Dave Sheridan (last seen in "Horrible Bosses"), J.J. Totah (last seen in "Moxie"), Ava Acres (last seen in "Term Life"), Chris Redd (last seen in "Joker"), Timm Sharp (last seen in "Fun with Dick and Jane"), Hailee Keanna Lautenbach, Eddie Pepitone (last seen in "The Muppets"), Joe Kenda, Dino Battaglia, Michael R. Carlson, Erin Foley, Richard Gonzales, Brad Morris (last seen in "Unplugging"), Dana Powell (last seen in "Bridesmaids"), Adam Ray (last seen in "Game Over, Man!"), Dave Reinitz, William Stanford Davis (last seen in "Please Stand By"), Shelby Stockton, Doc Willis, with a cameo from Kaley Cuoco (last seen in "The Man from Toronto")
RATING: 4 out of 10 Japanese tourists on the bus
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