Bullet Train

Year 15, Day 155 - 6/4/23 - Movie #4,456

BEFORE: Working at the Newfest Pride Festival today, that's two days out of the five-day festival. After this just three more shifts at the Tribeca Festival, then I've got two months off from that job.  Really, the last thing I should be doing is staying up late the night before, watching a long action movie.  But if I don't, then I'll fall behind. 

Zazie Beetz carries over from "Slice". 

THE PLOT: Five assassins aboard a swiftly-moving bullet train find out that their missions have something in common.  

AFTER: Normally I'd pick apart an action film, and point out how it doesn't make much sense, how everyone's motivations are terribly unclear and how people seem to end up working at cross purposes with themselves - but when a film is this much just plain fun, who cares?  

Brad Pitt plays a hitman/assassin, or maybe he's a secret agent, it doesn't really matter much, he's filling in for another guy named Carver, who's got a stomach thing - and the assignment is to get on board the Japanese "bullet train", find a briefcase full of ransom money, and get off at the first stop.  But who's the ransom for, who's the kidnapper and who's being kidnapped?  It's not important, at least not until it is important.  All he needs to know, and all we need to know at first, is that the train's going to stop every ten minutes, and each stop will last exactly one minute before the doors close and the train's back in super fast-motion.  Does the real bullet train work this way, down to the second?  Does it matter?  Did the screenwriter do any research at all, or did he just set the action on a train that works the way he wants it to work?  Again, best not to spend a lot of time thinking about it, you'll only open the door to disappointment - wouldn't you rather just go on the thrill ride and not worry about reality for a couple of hours? 

Brad - sorry if I'm being informal here - Mr. Pitt's character is code-named Ladybug, and he finds the briefcase fairly quickly, not being watched by two other agents, Lemon and Tangerine.  But his quick exit off the train at the next stop is blocked by Wolf, who seems to have a grudge against him, and if only there were a flashback to explain why.  Oh, right, there's ample time for that, because time is relative and memories can come flying in at any time, and as long as those flashbacks are action-packed, again, who cares when they happen?  This all traces back to an earlier incident in Mexico that Ladybug can't seem to recall right away, but don't worry, it'll all come in due time. 

Meanwhile Lemon and Tangerine discover their briefcase is missing, so it becomes imperative for them to find it RIGHT AWAY, this instant, only right after this brief flashback that explains the criminal gang structure in Japan, and also how a ganglord named White Death came on the scene ten years ago and changed the whole game.  (Honestly, this is the only time that it was noticeable that the flashbacks were slowing down the action.  For the most part, they were really helpful, just not right here.  Shouldn't you guys be heading off looking for your briefcase?)

More players keep getting added to the mix - there's a teen girl named Prince, and she sets her sights on Kimura, the Japanese father of a boy who got thrown off a roof and is in the hospital, and somehow this explains why Kimura is on the train, and later we learn who his father is and how this all links back to that White Death guy.  So yeah, at first we all just get pieces of the big picture tossed our way, gradually we've got to assemble all these pieces into a larger framework, it's just going to take a while.  There's another assassin called the Hornet, and there's a snake that escaped from a zoo, Every. Little. Bit. Is. Important. or if not now, it will be soon.  Pay attention, would you?  Don't miss anything, or you'll have to go back and watch it again!  

Honestly, this feels like the kind of film Tarantino would make, if he could just get out of his own way, stop using the "N" word so much and looking at women's feet, and just try to have some damn fun for once in his life.  Seriously, Quentin, stop taking yourself so seriously.  Your dialog is great, but just look what you could accomplish if you just focused on the action first and the words second!  Just saying...the director here is David Leitch, and he also directed "Atomic Blonde" and "Deadpool 2".  Yeah, that seems like a natural progression that landed him here, and here is a lot of fun and violence blended together. 

Are there NITPICK POINTS?  Hells, yeah, like how come the train conductors are there to check Ladybug's ticket, or lack thereof, but then disappear and aren't around whenever somebody is getting shot or stabbed?  How come there are people aboard the quiet car who similarly don't mind the shooting or the stabbing, as long as it doesn't make much noise?  Why are there "regular" passengers on the train at first, and then later we find out that somebody bought up all the tickets to make sure that every single person on board was an assassin of some kind?  And who the hell was inside that anime character mascot costume?  So yeah, I've got unresolved questions that the movie just didn't care about answering, but if everything were crystal clear, it might not be as much fun.  

Anyway, let's focus on the shooting and the stabbing and people being thrown off the train, this only happens in the movies, right?  Some people die very quickly, but those people are unimportant - the main characters seem to be able to survive just about anything.  Mostly.  The bigger star you are IRL, the greater your character's chance of walking away alive, right?  I don't think one review called this movie a "train wreck", so mission accomplished.  This all could have gone horribly wrong, and become the next "Snakes on a Plane", thankfully it didn't.

Also starring Brad Pitt (last seen in "Sheryl"), Joey King (last seen in "Zeroville"), Aaron Taylor-Johnson (last seen in "The King's Man"), Brian Tyree Henry (last seen in "Person to Person"), Andrew Koji, Hiroyuki Sanada (last seen in "The Catcher Was a Spy"), Michael Shannon (last seen in "Amsterdam"), Sandra Bullock (last seen in "Gun Shy"), Benito A. Martinez Ocasio (Bad Bunny), Logan Lerman (last seen in "Gamer"), Masi Oka (last seen in "Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde"), Karen Fukuhara (last seen in "Suicide Squad"), Kevin Akiyoshu Ching, Minchi Murakami, Kaori Taketani, Jim Garrity (last seen in "I Love You Phillip Morris"), Emelina Adams, Nobuaki Shimamoto (last seen in "Hacksaw Ridge"), Johanna Watts, Ian Gabriel Martinez, Tania Verafield, Julio Gabay, Andrea Munoz, Nancy Daly, Arnold Chun, Benmio McCrea, Pasha D. Lychnikoff, Joshua Johnson-Payne, Miles Marz, Parker Lin, Zooey Miyoshi, David Leitch, with cameos from Channing Tatum (also last seen in "The Lost City"), Ryan Reynolds (last seen in "The Nines"). 

RATING: 8 out of 10 "Thomas the Tank Engine" stickers