BEFORE: Probably the best thing about watching these old Scooby-Doo films is clearing them off the list, knowing that I'll never have to watch them again, unless I want to, but then, why would I want that? At least this way they serve some kind of function, they get me to the next thing, which is slasher movies - not that slasher movies are any less junky for my brain, but those films at minimum follow a set of basic rules, they exist in a lawful universe where things happen for a reason, as opposed to being loud, flashy, colorful films where people battle ghosts and tend to fall down a lot, or get covered in goo or protoplasm or something just to get a laugh out of small children. And there are all sorts of topical references from the early 2000's included just to make kids somehow think these films are "cool", which they're not. God help me.
Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr. and several others carry over from "Scooby-Doo".
THE PLOT: The Mystery Inc. gang must save Coolsville from an attack of their past monsters brought to life by an evil masked figure trying to take down the gang.
AFTER: Oh, this was just dreadful and pitiful, let us never again speak of this movie, not until it's time for the year-end round-up analysis. Clearly this film is "cool" because it's set in the town of Coolsville. Good lord, who came up with that? Such pandering should be beneath everyone - and then to drive the point home, the haunted (?) museum is called the Coolsonian, in case you missed the fact that these are very "cool" people who live in a "cool" town and do very "cool" things. Jeezus, what year is this, it's like those terrible beach movies with Frankie and Annette and the filmmakers were a bunch of old geezers who threw in references to bikers and doing the frug and this crazy new music called rock and roll in feeble attempts to connect with the youth culture. Remember "Beach Blanket Bingo"? Yeah, I'm sure teens on the beach brought their bingo cards. Remember the "Batusi"? Yeah, sure, Batman's got his own dance, whatever, you old farts.
In this one (like it matters...) some old enemy of Mystery Inc. has invented a machine that takes the costumes of their old foes, like the Black Knight Ghost and the 10,000 Volt Ghost and the Pterodactyl Ghost, and somehow turns them into REAL monsters. Right, because we have that technology to take a set of clothing and make it into a living creature, WTF? So now the group that spent years debunking and unmasking ghosts and zombies and tar monsters has to contend with the fact that those things are REAL now. Yeah, because some villain figured out how to science, that really sucks.
I think the problem is that people don't demand more from films aimed at kids - there was an opportunity here to get some real science on the table, nowadays it's all about STEM education, whatever that is, but I know some parents dig it. We've already got a girl in bulky sweaters and sensible shoes who loves science, why not take things a step further and incorporate some real science here? You could probably win a Peabody Award or something. Nope, they just fall back on, "Wait, if we reverse the polarity and run a negative current through the device, that will solve everything." Nobody realizes that if you fall back on this too many times, you create a generation of kids who get to their high-school science class and want to reverse the polarity and run a negative current through their frogs on dissection day. Those little monsters....
But I'm getting ahead of myself. The film starts with the opening of that costume exhibit at the Cool-sonian, and all the Scooby Gang's fans have come out to celebrate. Fred's fans are a bunch of love-struck girls, but Daphne's fans are just two fat guys with tattoos of her. Well, I guess people are just as faithful as their options, right? Shaggy's fans are a bunch of total stoners, and Scooby's fans are...dogs. Velma's fans are the plus-sized girls in glasses and sensible shoes who just "LOVE" her, so she's getting some leg tonight for sure. There you go, Velmster, get some.
Velma's conflicted, though, when she meets the geeky (but also maybe creepy?) museum director, who's a big fan of hers, but she's very nervous about dating a man - gee, I can't imagine why - and doesn't want to go on a date with him, claiming that "mystery is her mistress". Right, it's not the screaming girls out in the crowd throwing themselves at her, it's "mystery". Whatever, girl, if that's your cover story then let's run with that.
There's no shortage of suspects for the main villain here, in fact there's a whole bar full of them at the Faux Ghost, unmasked villains who get together and drink and talk about how much they hate Mystery Inc. There's Old Man Wickles, and Old Man Smithson and Old Man Magnus and I'm really noticing a pattern here about old frustrated caretakers who dress up as phantoms to scare people off of property after they don't connect romantically with the female property owners...maybe it's just me.
But hey, ghosts are real now, so that's something, and Mystery Inc. needs a plan to sneak into the old mining town (which is somehow part of a modern city) and reverse the polarity and then unmask somebody. Once again, there are very important flashbacks that tell us everything we need to know - one flashback to a frisbee game the Scooby Gang once played, and the other tells the backstory of one of their early villains. Gee, I wonder if this information will be important later on. Now I think I've cracked the code on James Gunn screenplays, because even in "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2" everything you needed to know was in the flashback. I'm thinking about "The Suicide Squad" now, but the only flashback I recall was the brief one with Ratcatcher and her father, and it had nothing to do with the identity of the big bad villain - although the flashback with the astronauts was a key piece of the puzzle. I see you, Mr. Gunn, and I love your work, but you've got a "tell".
There's a bit where Scooby-Doo drinks a potion from a scientist's refrigerator, and turns into a monster, and this leads to both him and Shaggy drinking more random substances, in search of an antidote, and they turn into other wacky things. First off, why would SHAGGY drink the "antidote" for the thing that SCOOBY drank, and NITPICK POINT, this is a terrible message to send out to the kids. If you drink something bad, boys and girls, just keep drinking more random things until you find something that makes you better, changes your gender or maybe kills you.
Shaggy and Scooby set out in this film to be more productive members of the team, and so they work on getting their shit together, so to speak. Well, it's about time. They end up being very helpful against the Cotton Candy Glob, putting their strengths to work - yeah, they eat a monster. Which is a bit gross, but it is an innovative way to solve a monster problem. And I can't think of a better metaphor for this film than cotton candy - it's light, airy, colorful and provides no nutritional value whatsoever. Plus it's bad for you if that's all you eat. Which is why I made this part of a balanced diet of movie consumption, and we're back on more serious matters tomorrow (are we really, though?)
Also starring Matthew Lillard, Linda Cardellini (both also carrying over from "Scooby-Doo"), Seth Green (last seen in "Shazam!"), Peter Boyle (last seen in "Malcolm X"), Tim Blake Nelson (last seen in "The Jesus Rolls"), Alicia Silverstone (last seen in "The Art of Getting By"), Karin Konoval (last seen in "War for the Planet of the Apes"), Calum Worthy (last seen in "The Big Year"), Stephen E. Miller, Zahf Paroo (last seen in "Seventh Son"), Christopher R. Sumpton, Kevin Durand (last seen in "Smokin' Aces"), C. Ernst Harth (last seen in "Smokin' Aces 2: Assassins' Ball"), Ryan Vrba, Emily Tennant, Cascy Beddow, Laurne Kennedy
with the voices of Neil Fanning, J.P. Manoux (both also carrying over from "Scooby-Doo"), Dee Bradley Baker (last heard in "The Suicide Squad"), Bob Papenbrook, Michael Sorich, Terrence Stone, Wally Wingert (last heard in "Chappaquiddick") and cameos from Pat O'Brien, Ruben Studdard, Kester Moorhouse and Big Brovaz.
RATING: 3 out of 10 pickled eggs at the bar
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