The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Year 12, Day 281 - 10/7/20 - Movie #3,669

BEFORE: Well, I knew things were going to get pretty weird, as far as my record-keeping goes.  Most of the actors (but not all) from the second film in the series of course carry over to the third film, just as most (but not all) of the actors from the first film carried over to the second.  But each time there are a few notable newcomers.  One prominent character seems to have skipped Film #2, but she's back for Film #3, and so on.  And it's bound to get even more confusing as I get close to wrapping up the series, and the week - one actress did NOT return for Film #3 but her character did, and was played by a different actress.

By my count, 25 actors carry over - see the breakdown below, no need to list them twice. 

THE PLOT: As a string of mysterious killings grips Seattle, Bella, whose high school graduation is fast approaching, is forced to choose between her love for vampire Edward and her friendship with werewolf Jacob. 

AFTER: Let me point out, though, that this is NOT the way the series is meant to be viewed - at least, I don't think it is.  This is not for binging, like in just four days I'll be already 3/5 done, and I'm ready to start the two-part finale tomorrow.  It's too much mopiness, too much drama, and I'm somehow both exhausted and bored.  I made a genuine mistake yesterday by drinking caffeine-free ginger ale instead of my usual Diet Mountain Dew, and I managed to fall asleep with 30 minutes left to go in the movie, which was JUST when the big battle was starting to take place.  Yep, the most important part of the film, stuff was finally HAPPENING, and I fell asleep.  But I did this for the sake of my stomach, which has been feeling out of sorts.  Two Tums and a glass of ginger ale were definitely in order, but that won't help me stay awake - but it was either my stomach or my head, I had to make a difficult choice. 

The solution, of course, was fairly simple - I got up this morning, signed in to Hulu again (after being forced to read and sign yet ANOTHER update to the Sony PlayStation agreement, exactly how many does this make, now?) and fast-forwarded to just before the big battle, and re-watched what I missed.

But my difficult choice is well-timed, because Bella STILL finds herself trying to make the difficult choice between Edward and Jacob.  Only she MADE her choice already, she keeps telling us (and Edward) that she wants to be a vampire, why the hell is she still perceived as being on the fence here?  Does the film just not want to alienate the Team Jacob contingent?  This eternal/immortal love triangle should have been resolved like TWO movies ago, what possibly could there be left to debate? In other words, they're really stretching this thing out - it's amazing how much this film series has NOT accomplished in the first three movies, things that it keeps talking about but not DOING.  Clear violations of the famous "Show, don't tell" rules - we've had so much telling about Bella wanting to join the vampire family, to be turned by Edward and spend eternity with him, but it's always several months in the future, isn't it?  Jesus, just do it already - or does it not happen?  Wait, wait, don't tell me.  Look, I'm starting to not give a crap whether it happens or not, just pick a damn lane already!  

Each episode seems to move the relationship drama ahead, but just in tiny, tiny increments - it's the old soap opera "tune in tomorrow" bit, right?  Or for guys, comic book storylines that always make you buy the next issue to find out what's going to happen next, they're both examples of classic non-terminating narratives. Most agonizing of all was probably the original "Twin Peaks" series, where you could watch a whole hour-long episode and at the end of it, be absolutely no closer to any answers or resolutions than you were before, in fact you might even be further away.  I remember watching an episode of the original series and then realizing that nothing, in fact, HAPPENED during that hour of television - it was just delay, delay, delay - and the re-boot series on Showtime was even worse in this regard!

But let's get to the story, such as it is.  There's a new series of brutal killings in Seattle, which makes me wonder why the Seattle tourism board approved this storyline - why would I want to visit Washington state if it's plagued by brutal attacks from vampires and werewolves?  Yes, of course, I know it's not the local vampires, they only drink artisanal small-batch animal blood that's locally sourced, cage-free and organic.  Ah, but is it cruelty free?  I'm guessing not.  It's those damn tourist vampires visiting Seattle who just aren't as woke as the hipster ones, they're the problem!   And because the local vampires are so well-behaved, the city doesn't even have an SVU - that's Special Vampire Unit, of course. 

So, it's up to the Cullens, they follow the news from a distance as vampires ravage the city, because they figure it's probably a group of vamps formed by Victoria, who still blames Bella and the Cullens for the death of her vamp-mate, James.  Sooner or later, the vampire army forming in Seattle will be heading out to Forks, you can count on it.  (Plus, Alice conveniently had a vision about this.)  Victoria's been chased by vampires through their territory on one side of the river, then by werewolves on THEIR side of the river - she doesn't seem to get the message, does she?  But she gets away because the two factions are mortal enemies, and refuse to work together.  Umm, until they do.  

Is one human girl really that important, that both cultures will put aside their differences and their centuries-long feud?  For ONE human?  Seems like a bit of a stretch, but that's where we find ourselves.  Or maybe it's a case where the werewolves are willing to team up with THESE vampires so they can take down THOSE vampires, a bit like the old "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" gambit.  So stick with this one, because there's a lot of vampire carnage in the last half-hour, heads being ripped off, arms going bye-bye and so on.  And nobody uses a good old-fashioned wooden stake any more? Geez, what happened to the classics?  

Bella is removed from the battleground in advance, for her own protection, and taken to the top of a mountain, to sleep in a very flimsy tent.  Come on, this is a terrible idea - was this plan thought up by two groups of monsters who don't feel cold weather?  Oh, yeah, maybe.  But this really just seems like an excuse for Bella to cuddle in a tent with a warm-blooded werewolf boy while her cold-blooded fiancé gets to be all moody and jealous.  The two men will never see eye to eye, so by all means, let's make the romantic situation more complicated for everybody.  And NITPICK POINT, wouldn't it have been better for Bella to snuggle with Jacob in his wolf form, where he's, you know, all furry?  Just sayin'. 

Now I've got all kinds of questions about the nature of vampires and werewolves, like are they still considered the same species?  Are they mutants, or do they think of themselves as the next step in human evolution, like the X-Men?  And if the Native American werewolves think of themselves as shape-shifters, can they turn into other animals, or just wolves?  And if so, why just that?  And in the older movies, weren't vampires able to turn into bats and wolves, too?  What happened to that?  How come none of these new vampires can turn in to bats, or fly?  Sure, they can run very fast and super-climb trees and mountains, but wouldn't flying be much more efficient?  For that matter, is vampirism a disease, a virus or a mutation?  And how come there are male and female vampires here, but only male werewolves?  

Much like our nation, the monster world seems to be divided into a two-party system - the vampires seem a bit more like the liberal-elite Democrats, I think, with their high-and-mighty diet, and they just feel more like the type who would drive electric cars and think about their fellow man, even though they've got base desires to drink that fellow man's blood.  And the werewolves here seem a bit more like the down-home country-boy Republicans, who just want to be left alone while they're stockpiling guns and food down in their apocalypse shelters, or am I reading all of this wrong?  Though it feels like there's been a real shift in America, a few decades ago I would have associated good old boys with Democrats and elitist city-folk with Republicans, and it almost feels like they've sort of switched places over the years.  Like when we were down in Texas two years ago the urban areas felt very liberal and we saw signs supporting Beto O'Rourke, but once we left the city and drove through the farmlands, you could just feel it was more like Trump country.  

Possibly I'm reading too much into this whole vampires/werewolves thing, but I wish that Americans weren't so divided, that we could find some approaches to issues that weren't all so clear-cut, right now everything's all "I'm right and the other guy is wrong", and it doesn't have to be that way.  You'd think that a national crisis like a pandemic would unite everyone against the virus, and it just hasn't been that way at all.  Every issue, from wearing masks to working on a vaccine to how to re-open the country has been given a political bent, so it's no longer possible to determine who's taking action based on reason and good sense instead of just toeing their party's line.  We could have knocked out the whole pandemic in six weeks if everyone followed all the proper guidelines, wore masks, didn't travel anywhere or infect others.  But they didn't, people went to water parks and motorcyle conventions and political rallies, so it's taken six weeks, then another six weeks, another six weeks and so on.  Then kids had to go to schools and college classes started, so we're back-sliding again, when we should have been done with this by August. I'm very disappointed, because how many people have paid for that with their lives?

Anyway, we also get to learn Jasper's and Rosalie's back-stories in this film, and it was more action-packed than the last two, so these are all good things.  But really, I blame four parties for extending this love triangle past any reasonable limit.  I blame Jacob for holding out hope that Bella will change her mind, when she's already made her choice, and not settling for being placed in the "friend zone".  I blame Bella for not making things clearer to Jacob, and being all wishy-washy about having to choose - be more decisive!  I blame Edward for not laying down some clearer ground rules about being exclusive, and "accidentally" letting Jacob hear about the engagement, that's some dirty pool.  And, of course, I blame the author for failing to resolve this whole situation, again and again and again.  

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Billy Burke, Dakota Fanning, Cameron Bright, Anna Kendrick, Michael Welch, Christian Serratos, Justin Chon, Daniel Cudmore, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon, Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier, Charlie Bewley, Tyson Houseman, Gil Birmingham, Tinsel Korey (all carrying over from "The Twilight Saga: New Moon"), Sarah Clarke (last seen in "Twilight"), Bryce Dallas Howard (last seen in "Rocketman"), Xavier Samuel (last seen in "Fury"), Jodelle Ferland (last seen in "The Cabin in the Woods"), Catalina Sandino Moreno (last seen in "Paris, Je t'Aime"), Julia Jones (last seen in "Cold Pursuit"), Booboo Stewart (last seen in "X-Men: Days of Future Past"), Paul Jarrett, Iris Quinn, Alex Rice, Peter Murphy, Monique Ganderton, Byron Chief-Moon, Jack Huston (last seen in "The Irishman"), Leah Gibson, Kirsten Zien

RATING: 6 out of 10 missing persons reports