BEFORE: Another day, another third installment in an action film franchise, and a different member of the Huston family (Danny Huston was in "Angel Has Fallen", and his sister Anjelica's in this one). They're also both 2019 films that I could have gone to see in the theaters, I remember I was doing an Ian McShane chain last year and had a perfect opportunity to work it in, only I passed because I was too lazy to go to the theater - now I'm really itching to go to a theater, just to get out of the house.
Lance Reddick carries over from "Angel Has Fallen".
FOLLOW-UP TO: "John Wick" (Movie 2,292), "John Wick: Chapter 2" (Movie #3,250)
THE PLOT: John Wick is on the run after killing a member of the international assassins' guild, and with a $14 million price tag on his head, he is the target of hit men and women everywhere.
AFTER: Welcome back to the Hotel Continental, New York's premier accommodations for assassinations, providing B&B services (that's, umm, bullets and body armor). Check-in starts at 3 pm, and we ask that you do not conduct any contract killings on the hotel premises. More of a guideline than a rule, really - or is it that rules are meant to be broken? Anyway, we have to pay the cleaning staff extra if they have to deal with bloodstains, so we'll need a credit card for incidentals, and if you have to ask how much the Toblerones are in the minibar, trust me, you can't afford them.
During your stay, please visit our new "Warfare Through the Ages" exhibit of samurai armor and crystal skulls, all encased in glass in an entire room made of glass, all the walls and floors are glass for some reason, TripAdvisor called it "the world's most breakable room", and please be advised that there is no fighting allowed in the Warfare exhibit. Again, more of a guideline. Be advised that due to new health regulations our swimming pool is currently closed until further notice, while our new corporate partners at the High Table conduct their management review process, but we hope to have all of our amenities back in service as soon as possible. Please enjoy a complimentary latte from our coffee bar in the meantime.
Also, our new nightly neon light display begins at 7 pm, or whenever the hotel enters lockdown mode, and the flickering neon is synchronized to automatic weapons fire - I'm not quite sure why we added that feature, since there's no reason to fire weapons within the hotel. We've been quite clear about this, how all business MUST be conducted elsewhere, but I guess rules were meant to be broken. And if you do require emergency medical treatment during your stay at the Continental, may we suggest the Hotel Artemis, conveniently located down the street and only 50 years in the future.
Here at the Continental, the safety of our guests is of paramount importance, and management deeply regrets the incident last month where one assassin killed another on the hotel grounds, so rest assured that under no conditions is John Wick allowed back at the hotel, not without a mandatory period of being on the run with a bounty on his head. In the meantime, please visit our new French bistro, run by executive chef Jean Wické. Hey, wait a minute...
We're conveniently located near the New York Public Library, the Russian ballet school, and the Metropolitan Stables, should you care to read a book, take in a show, or go horseback riding for some reason. We also have a full line of amenities available in our lobby stores, including bullet-proof tailored suits, a full line of custom-made knives and axes, and shotguns that hold an unrealistic number of bullets. And if you run out of bullets, remember that you can always throw the gun at your opponent as a last resort. So there's never a need to reload! Now relax in our nightclub, the Armory, and enjoy the nightly 90's themed review, featuring Wick-liffe John and the WickTones.
Now that we've cracked down on acts of violence at the hotel to comply with new regulations, you can sleep easy while you plan your next hit. After all, it's extremely unlikely that John Wick will travel to Casablanca, team up with his female counterpart (coming soon: "John Wick: Chapter 4 - Must Love Dogs") and travel out into the desert to meet with the High Elder, make an act of contrition and receive an assignment to travel back to the ONE place on God's green earth that he's banned from entering again. So relax and enjoy your stay at the Hotel Continental, where we've now gone SEVEN days without a major vengeful killing spree. What's that? OK, reset the counter, boys.
Also starring Keanu Reeves (last heard in "Toy Story 4"), Halle Berry (last seen in "Movie 43"), Ian McShane (last seen in "Sexy Beast"), Laurence Fishburne (last seen in "Higher Learning"), Mark Dacascos (last seen in "The Island of Dr. Moreau"), Asia Kate Dillon, Tobias Segal (last seen in "Glass"), Anjelica Huston (last seen in "Always at the Carlyle"), Said Taghmaoui (last seen in "I Heart Huckabees"), Jerome Flynn (last heard in "Loving Vincent"), Randall Duk Kim (last heard in "Kung Fu Panda 3"), Margaret Daly (last seen in "John Wick: Chapter 2"), Robin Lord Taylor, Susan Blommaert (last seen in "The Kitchen"), Jason Mantzoukas (last heard in "Ralph Breaks the Internet"), Sergo Delavicci (last seen in "Creed II"), Cecep Arif Rahman, Yahan Ruhian, Tiger Chen, Boban Marjanovic.
RATING: 6 out of 10 exhausted ballerinas
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