BEFORE: OK, March is over, but the Madness continues - it just turns into spring fever, right? Some people might even BE on spring break right now, so it makes sense to drop this one in here, especially since it's airing now on Netflix, but could disappear at any moment. Damn, I realized too late that this connects to one of "back-to-school" films, which is now going to be left nearly unsinkable, but what can I do? I'm not going to sit on a film with "spring" in the title until September, that wouldn't make any sense. I'll have to hope that some other films will pop up between now and then - look, I sat on "Everybody Wants Some!!" for about two years, and eventually some other films came along and made linking possible. Anything is possible, you just have to believe in it...
James Franco carries over again from "127 Hours" and adds to his tally - he should finish 2019 with at least 9 appearances, which could make him the front-runner, at least for now.
THE PLOT: Four college girls hold up a restaurant in order to fund their spring break vacation. While partying, drinking and taking drugs, they are arrested, only to be bailed out by a drug and arms dealer.
AFTER: Damn, and I was doing so well last week, I rolled a bunch of sevens for my ratings, and I was flying high. But then along came "127 Hours" to kill my buzz, and now there's this crappy storyline tonight, which glorifies the party scene, drug use, objectification of women, and thug life in general. This is hardly my idea of a good time - I didn't party like this in college, never went on spring break, and now of course I'm too old to do so, and have no desire for it anyway. I don't even like the beach during the summer, it's too hot and the sand is always too sticky AND impossible to walk on, AND it gets in your food. What's the upside of going to the beach again? OK, maybe I stand an above-average chance of seeing an attractive woman in a swimsuit, but can't I do that from home, thanks to the internet? I've got beer at home, too, as much as I want AND I can get more without paying high bar prices. Plus it looks like most of the beer in this film either gets spilled or poured or sprayed on a girl's breasts, so that's a big waste of money...
College kids, use your heads, you don't need to go to Florida to party. Travel costs money, and you're going to need that money to start paying back your loan debts. Once you're a working person, you'll have more disposable income to sink into liquid assets. Beer is cheaper from the supermarket or deli than in a bar, have you seen the mark-up on beer at a bar? I can buy a whole six-pack at the store for what they charge for ONE BEER at some pubs...
Plus, it's FLORIDA, the most fucked-up state in our country, and I don't think I'm overstating this. How many news stories or YouTube clips have we seen in the last few years that involve some combination of meth-heads, pick-up trucks, bath salts, monkeys, alligators...you can almost play "Florida Mad-Libs" and make up your own news headline: Florida man arrested for driving his (unusual vehicle) while high on (exotic drug) with his (strange animal) in the passenger seat after breaking into a local (type of store). Why would anyone want to go there to party? Plus, this is the state that screwed up TWO Presidential elections in recent memory - so those of us in the Upper 49 states should definitely stop going there and rewarding the bad behavior of Floridians with our tourist dollars. Are we all in agreement?
But hey, maybe the college girls seen here will fit right in, because three of them performed armed robbery at a chicken restaurant to fund their spring break vacation. They used toy guns, but what they lacked in real ammo they made up for with psychotic behavior. (Hmm, this was also a plot point in "Flyboys", where a pilot admitted to bank robbery with a toy gun...and that was back in the 1910's, so I guess some things never change...)
Debate rages over whether this film constitutes "exploitation" or not - considering the number of women shown party in (and out of) bikinis, I'm going to go with "sure". The argument that says that depicting women drunk, stoned and making out with each other for a cheering crowd of men is in fact "empowering" holds a lot less water, IMHO. Even worse movie sins are committed here, though, in other parts of the film where lines of dialogue are repeated four or five times, plus there's a flash-FORWARD at one point (or is everything after that a flash-BACK?) and just general non-relevance. OK, the girls left standing want to go back to their normal lives after all the violence they witness (and commit) but is that even possible?
Also starring Selena Gomez (last seen in "The Fundamentals of Caring"), Vanessa Hudgens (last seen in "Sucker Punch"), Ashley Benson (last seen in "Pixels"), Rachel Korine, Gucci Mane, Heather Morris (last heard in "Ice Age: Continental Drift"), Jeff Jarrett, Russell Stuart, Ash Lendzion, Emma Holzer.
RATING: 2 out of 10 beer funnels
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