BEFORE: I'm starting the romance chain a day early, Jan. 31 instead of Feb. 1, because this will line up the best film for Feb. 14. Now I also see that this film can serve as a thematic bridge between the two months, because it's not only a romance, it's a film about a commitment-phobic man, who probably has a few hang-ups about women, and I'm guessing learns a few lessons and ultimately finds a better way to approach relationships. Right? I figure that's a safe bet. Jennifer Garner carries over from "Wakefield".
Now, about that Turner Classic Movies "31 Days of Oscar" schedule. It seems they've got a different theme, (or two, or three) for each day this year. See? Utter madness. The first day, Friday, Feb. 1 has three viewing blocks: American Literary Adaptations, Janet Gaynor Best Actress Win for Multiple Titles, and Grittiest Streets of New York. Those last two categories seem very specific, but they're intended as little "face-offs", like which of these two films is better, or has the "grittiest streets"? I'm not really feeling it. Plus I can't record movies from TCM to DVD any more, so I don't think I'll be adding many titles this time around. Still, I'm going to play along and keep score of what I've seen. Here's the run-down:
6:00 am "Alice Adams" (1935)
8:00 am "Little Women" (1949)
10:15 am "Billy Budd" (1962)
12:30 pm "The Old Man and the Sea" (1958)
2:00 pm "Show Boat" (1951)
4:00 pm "The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter" (1968)
6:15 pm "Tom Sawyer" (1973)
8:00 pm "Sunrise" (1927)
10:00 pm "Street Angel" (1928)
12:00 am "The French Connection" (1971)
2:00 am "Taxi Driver" (1976)
I've seen 5 of these 11 films, so I'm off to a good start - "The Old Man and the Sea", "Show Boat" (last February), "Tom Sawyer", "The French Connection" and "Taxi Driver". But the real plus here is that the first 7 films are literary adaptations, and so is my film today - it's obviously a (very) loose adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" by Dickens.
THE PLOT: While attending his brother's wedding, a serial womanizer is haunted by the ghosts of his past girlfriends.
AFTER: True story, a few weeks back I was in Dunkin Donuts, getting my usual egg & sausage breakfast sandwich on a croissant, and I wondered if I could order it on a donut. It seems they'll sell you a breakfast sandwich on a bagel, a wrap, an English muffin, a croissant, anything BUT a donut, but aren't donuts what they're most famous for selling? I've heard of some baseball parks serving hamburgers on donuts, so why not a breakfast sandwich? I asked at the counter if they would serve me my usual, with a donut instead of a croissant, but no dice. Still, I wondered what that might taste like, maybe a unique blend of savory and sweet - now, of course I'm talking about a plain glazed donut here, not something like a raspberry jelly or a chocolate creme-filled. (I'm a food daredevil, not a monster...)
I couldn't get it out of my mind, so I persisted - the next Friday there was a different crew serving in that location, so I asked again. They still were very reluctant, but I asked very nicely, and I even offered to pay for the breakfast sandwich AND the cost of the donut on top of that, so they'd come out ahead financially. And I had to walk them through the process, pointing out that if a bagel could go through the horizontal slicer, then so could a glazed donut, because it's the same shape. During the construction of the sandwich, the problem became evident right away, the poor lady working there almost burned her fingers on the hot donut, after warming it up. I guess that a donut just conducts heat a little too well, and the glazed donut basically melted around the egg and sausage, so it was hard to put together and almost as hard to eat. I found it delicious, but for all I know I might be a minority of one on this matter.
My point is, just because you can alter a recipe, that doesn't mean that it's practical to do so. Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" is considered a literary classic, but also the first modern Christmas story, as well as a treatise on the class struggle in Victorian England, with Scrooge as the one-percenter taking more than his share from all the merchants and commoners who owe him interest. In some ways, it's just as relevant as it was when it was written, but if you take away the social politics AND the holiday tie-in, and try to impose that same story structure on a modern romance story, it just doesn't work, much like the donut-based breakfast sandwich. Perhaps it's best to leave the spooky ghosts and time-travel to the Christmas season.
Not that they don't try here, because the lead character's brother is getting married in Newport, Rhode Island, and there's snow on the ground. If you ask me, a winter wedding in New England just isn't practical, but what do I know? They must have had their reasons, I guess. But wouldn't it be better to wait until spring, so everyone doesn't have to bundle up, or risk the guests getting their flights cancelled due to a blizzard? Just saying.
But this film has to fall back on a ton of tired, worn-out stereotypes about people and relationships in order to get where it's trying to go - the famous photographer who has a "love 'em and leave 'em" philosophy and sleeps with dozens of women in a week without being able to form a lasting bond with any of them. We've seen this before, and it's maybe just the way some people ARE, not necessarily right or wrong, but clearly there's an agenda here to say that THIS lifestyle is not preferred, but THAT one should be. Says who? And then there's an attempt to say that he's this way because his parents died when he was a boy, he was strongly influenced by his lothario uncle (who plays the "Marley" role here) and the fact that he missed his shot with the girl at the high-school dance, and then proceeded to sleep with every other girl in class EXCEPT her. (really, this is a reverse of "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang", where Robert Downey Jr.'s character missed his shot at the school dance, and then SHE went on to sleep with every boy in class, except him.)
Meanwhile, all bridesmaids are slutty, all nerdy groomsman are nerdy, brides are panicky bride-zillas, Asian women are Olympic archers, for some reason. Because really, why go anywhere past broad stereotypes?
NITPICK POINT: The best man is also the wedding photographer, the bride's father is also the officiant - was there some kind of tight limit on how many people could attend this wedding?
NITPICK POINT #2: The lead character may not believe in love or respect the wedding ceremony, but how does he not know that the champagne and wedding cake are for the reception, and you shouldn't open a bottle of bubbly or eat a piece of cake before-hand, or risk coming anywhere near it in a slapstick comedy. Is he really that stupid?
Somewhere around the second ghost, which would be the Ghost of Girlfriends Present, the format really starts to break down, in part because the character who visits him is not dead, so how can she be a ghost? Is she just a regular ghost who took the form of someone he knows? Or is his assistant not a real person, has she secretly been a ghost the whole time she's been working for him? If not, how can she be in two places at the same time? Or is the whole scenario being generated by his subconscious? The film gets very sketchy on these details, and then the Ghost of Girlfriends Future isn't anyone he recognizes at all, so who the heck is she supposed to be? Again, never explained, some writer just couldn't be bothered, it seems.
They circle back to the Dickens format during the third fantasy scenario, though, since Connor ends up at his own funeral in the future, which only his brother attends. That's sad, to be sure, and then he falls into his own grave and all his ex-girlfriends start shoveling dirt on top of him. But wait, you just said NOBODY attended the funeral, so where did all the exes come from? That's another N.P., only it's a dream, and they don't always have to make sense.
Thankfully, I don't have any ex-girlfriends to worry about, just an ex-wife that I never talk to any more. She's got her life, I have mine, and that's that. So I wouldn't ever have any ghosts appearing to me to show me the error of my ways, my conscience is clear. But, even if they did, I'd be the guy who gets rid of the Ghost of Girlfriends Future on a technicality, by pointing out that Marley declared that I'd be visited by THREE ghosts, and that Marley himself is a ghost, therefore the future ghost would constitute a FOURTH ghost, and therefore her vision would be null and void, as per the terms of the agreement. Bye Bye.
Also starring Matthew McConaughey (last seen in "Gold"), Michael Douglas (last seen in "Ant-Man and the Wasp"), Breckin Meyer (last seen in "Clueless"), Lacey Chabert (last seen in "Lost in Space"), Robert Forster (last seen in "London Has Fallen"), Daniel Sunjata (last seen in "The Devil Wears Prada"), Emma Stone (last seen in "Battle of the Sexes"), Anne Archer (last seen in "Narrow Margin"), Amanda Walsh, Camille Guaty (last seen in "A Futile and Stupid Gesture"), Rachel Boston, Noureen DeWulf, Olga Maliouk, Micah Sherman, Albert M. Chan, Michael Anastasia, Christina Milian, Emily Foxler, Devin Brochu, Logan Miller, Kasey Russell, Christa B. Allen.
RATING: 4 out of 10 Polaroids
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