BEFORE: Yep, I ran out of Liam Neeson movies (that was fast) because I've got one open slot left in the January line-up, and I'm not wasting it on "Taken 3". I've got plans to go to the movie theater one more time this month, and after finally watching the Golden Globes on YouTube today (because my DVR is still auto-clearing itself every morning) my choice of what to see is clear, hopefully within the next week, to fit in with my plans. So it's Famke Janssen's turn to carry over from "Taken 3". This film neatly bridges two spy franchises, so it goes here even if it doesn't fit in thematically - though it seems to be in the style of a modern action movie, so maybe it does fit.
THE PLOT: Hansel & Gretel are bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.
FOLLOW-UP TO: "Into the Woods" (Movie #1,901)
AFTER: I was talking last week about the current trend of characters being two contrasting things - like a forensics expert AND a serial killer at the same time. This movie seems to be full of that concept, maybe even too full of it. They're witch hunters - who might also be descended from witches! He's an evil troll - but he's also a helpful one! This woman's a witch - but she's a GOOD witch! It's sad when a movie gets so bogged down in its own mythology that it contradicts itself all over the place.
Not that there's much explanation for things here - there are plenty of rules about what witches can do, and what witch hunters can do to kill them, but they're sort of revealed on the fly, so they feel like they change around all the time. It's like those Dracula movies made by Hammer Films in the 1970's, which added all kinds of ways to "kill" Dracula, like drop him in a flowing river, or seal him in ice, which weren't part of the original "stake through the heart" plan. But they could never really kill him off, because as long as the box office was good, they needed him back for the next one. Or maybe a comic book is a better analogy, because they never really kill a hero or villain in the comic books without the next writer being able to figure out a way to bring them back.
So in the end there's not really much story here, it just feels like a premise that wasn't really fleshed out, like your average "Saturday Night Live" skit that has a set-up, idles for a few minutes and then goes essentially nowhere - and the poor comedians are just treading water until the next commercial. Here the characters just seem to be killing time until nightfall so there can be another fight scene. Character development? Never heard of it. The movie has a title, right? Let's just do that. And let's throw in all kinds of modern weaponry, like grenades and machine guns. That'll be really "steampunk" and people will be so distracted by the great action and effects, they won't even notice there's no story.
Perhaps it just pales in comparison because I'm watching it just two weeks after "Into the Woods", which did a much better job of figuring out what makes fairy-tale characters click - what was Cinderella's motivation to run away from the prince? Let's explore that. Or what does it mean for Jack to invade a giant's home, steal his stuff and kill him? I kept waiting for some great twist here, like in the original story where a young Hansel & Gretel killed the witch with the gingerbread house, maybe she was a nice witch who built her house to feed hungry kids, and H. & G. were bratty kids with ADHD or pyromania who roasted her in her own oven. No such luck.
Also starring Jeremy Renner (last seen in "American Hustle"), Gemma Arterton (last seen in "Quantum of Solace"), Peter Stormare (last seen in "8MM"), Pihla Vitala, Derek Mears, Thomas Mann, Rainer Bock.
RATING: 3 out of 10 milk bottles
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