BEFORE: I'm going back and adding movie-poster pictures to all of my old entries, which makes them look a little nicer. But there are a LOT of posts, it's going to take some time, I'm only about halfway there. But it's a chance for me to go back and read some bits I've written before - back in 2011, when I had about 275 films left on the list and I was confident I could get that number under 200 before the end of that year. Ha! How naive I was... I'm stuck at 202 right now, and thanks to TCM's Oscar-themed programming, for every film I'm removing, I'm adding another - but I hope you'll agree that films like "Doctor Zhivago", "Gaslight", and "Grand Hotel" need to be on the list.
But I'm also learning that these Woody Allen films have been on my list longer than any others (with a couple small exceptions), which is good - that means there's been almost a complete turnover in content since I first made the list. After this and the Hitchcock chain, I will have gotten around to almost all of the original 435 films. That's a form of progress.
Woody carries over again - that's 6 of his films down, and just 28 to go.
THE PLOT: Seven segments based on sections of the book by David Reuben.
AFTER: Again tonight we have to think back to a time before the internet - before there were chatrooms or online medical forums, or even internet porn. I know, if you wanted to see pictures of naked people you had to go to a newsstand and buy a magazine, and if you wanted to see films of naked people, you had to go to a theater in a sketchy part of town. Sounds barbaric, right? Might as well be reading stone tablets or heiroglyphics...
This was also a time where some people were more inhibited, the ones who didn't get the memo that the sexual revolution happened, so they weren't in touch with their own bodies, let alone anyone else's. This led to a lot of questions - why does this feel funny? Is it wrong that this thing turns me on? Oh god, am I a pervert? Hey, what is a pervert anyway? Do people really...DO that? Is it habit-forming?
Along came this little yellow book that dared to answer these questions, in honest terms. Yes, people really do that. Yes, it's probably habit-forming. And no, you're not a pervert. Well, some of you are, but if you're asking the question you probably aren't, and if you're reading the book while touching yourself, you probably are. Put it down so the next person can discover it and get educated, because you're getting the pages all sticky and that's very inconsiderate.
I was raised by parents who never wanted to have that conversation - you know the one. (Still waiting, Mom & Dad...) I think they planted some children's book about how the human body works in my room and hoped I'd figure it out. Instead I relied on the "Everything You Always Wanted to Know" book, along with Harold Robbins paperbacks (available in any bookstore) and Penthouse magazine (available at any newsstand, even if you were 14 with facial hair). Do they still have Penthouse Forum? This was a magazine column where people would write about their experiences, though probably not a word of it was true, and I learned a lot by reading it.
Woody used some of the questions in the book as a jumping-off point, like "Do aphrodisiacs work?" and "What is sodomy?", but then developed sketches that went off at right angles and never really got around to answering the questions. Note: taking a sheep to dinner does not constitute sodomy. These days we are more enlightened, so we know that sodomy is defined as "any sex act the government doesn't approve of."
Most famous is the segment where Allen plays a sperm cell, one of many whose actions are controlled by a group of scientists in the brain, who sit in a control room and activate the various parts of the body while a man is on a hot date. Roll out the tongue, raise the penis (via a crude crank), and so on. Send those millions of sperm cells down the tube, maybe one of them will get lucky. It's sort of cute, but the story's really a non-starter, and ends up going nowhere.
Another segment fails to answer the question "Are transvestites homosexuals?" Again, the lack of knowledge around this question is just astounding - I think even the author of the original book failed to do any research, because including this question opens the door to blanket statements, and that's a terrible trap to fall into. The correct answer should be "Some yes, some no." or better yet, "Why don't you ask some of them?" Or even better yet, "Why do you feel the need to paint everyone with the same brush?"
Because even a little bit of research would uncover the fact that people come in all shapes, sizes and gender classifications. Yes, some men dress like women, and some may do it for the thrill and some for the kink, but others because they look good doing it, and are paid handsomely for it. On one end of the spectrum you've got RuPaul, and on the other end you've got Eddie Izzard. One gay, one straight, and both fabulous. And neither looks like the old and fat guy seen cross-dressing in this film. Why put on a dress just to look like a fat guy in a dress?
On the other end of things, you've got women who like to dress as men - sorry, excuse me, women who refuse to let society tell them what constitutes beauty. I was close to one such woman for a while - and it's too bad that in rejecting all things "girlie", like dresses and make-up and heels, such women just end up adopting another set of rules, one that involves Doc Martens and shaved heads and extra piercings. It's really just another costume when you get down to it, and is letting lesbian culture define your appearance really any better than letting males do so? Why not strike out on your own and just dress whatever way YOU want, instead of falling for more B.S.?
These days, in addition to internet porn of all types, we've also got channels like TLC, airing shows like "Sex Sent Me to the E.R.", "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant", and the latest, "Strange Sex". This is a show that's featured a guy who's had sex with his car, balloon fetishes, giantess fantasies, people who dress like babies, and the one I just saw about "Feederism" - this is where a couple gets off by fattening each other up, or perhaps there's one Feeder and one Feedie. The couple profiled (a 600-lb woman and a somewhat thinner guy) even go out on the town looking to add a third person to their relationship, because the woman's bisexual (of course...). But the problem is, he likes fat women and she likes skinny ones, so I bet they never end up finding someone who fits the bill. It's a modern-day Jack Sprat story - how long before they realize that 90% of the women out there are fat compared to him, but skinny when compared to her?
I maintain that it's a wild, crazy beautiful world out there, and anything goes as long as no other people, or animals, or cars, are harmed in the process. But as we've seen recently, there are parts of the world like Russia that are just finding out about the gays now - they're sort of like where the U.S. was back in the 1960's. Are gay people taking over, recruiting our children? Are gay people taking over our country? Do people really...DO that? Oh god, am I a pervert?
The Russians are seriously asking the question "Are homosexuals pedophiles?" which makes about as much sense as asking "Are transvestites homosexuals?" Blanket statements, people, they only get you into trouble. It's a complex question, since not all gays are pedophiles, but some pedophiles are gay. But you can't paint everyone with the same brush, and you have to draw a line somewhere. Again, maybe do a little research and look at some case studies. Pick up a book or two, or get online.
Geez, my goal here was to discuss the films of Woody Allen, and not any perversion related to his personal life. But the defense counsel opened the door, your Honor, so now all the evidence is admissible. (That's what I learned from 20 years of "Law & Order"...) Hey, we're all perverts - the people who say they aren't are either lying, or they just haven't found the thing that gets them going yet. The author of the book this was based on even stole a quote from Woody Allen's "Take the Money and Run" - when asked on a talk show "Is sex dirty?", he replied "It is if you're doing it right."
Also starring John Carradine (last seen in "Around the World in 80 Days"), Lynn Redgrave (last seen in "Tom Jones"), Gene Wilder (last seen in "The Frisco Kid"), Louise Lasser (last seen in "Bananas"), Lou Jacobi, with cameos from Tony Randall, Burt Reynolds (last seen in "Semi-Tough"), Regis Philbin (last heard in "Shrek Forever After"), Jack Barry, Geoffrey Holder (last seen in "Live and Let Die")
RATING: 3 out of 10 baseball players
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