BEFORE: Thankfully the baseball season came to an end last night, with my hoped-for result. Which is great for the children of Boston, who now don't have to choose between trick-or-treating and going to a World Series game (who drew up that schedule?). Plus, I can shave off my rally beard and get back to my normal fall facial hair. And I can get some work done at the office tonight while everyone is out being crazy - I don't really celebrate the Halloween except for a scary movie or two, I just regard it as America's 4th-best candy-themed holiday. (think about it) For the other holidays, you get exactly the candy you want, and I don't quite understand the "grab bag" candy mentality.
Linking from "Fright Night", an actor named Will Denton, who had a small role in that film, was also in the film "Kinsey", playing Alfred Kinsey at the age of 10. Playing Kinsey at age 19 was Benjamin Walker, who's in the title role tonight.
THE PLOT: When Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, discovers vampires are planning to take over the United States, he makes it his mission to eliminate them.
FOLLOW-UP TO: "Abe Lincoln in Illinois" (Movie #1,123)
AFTER: You just know that somewhere there's a history teacher pulling his hair out, because some of his students are convinced that one of our greatest Presidents had a backstory where he battled the undead. Funny, there's nothing about that on his Wikipedia page... Rail splitter, riverboat captain, general store clerk, lawyer and vampire killer? The guy was busy. (Somebody should totally alter his Wiki page for Halloween with the events seen in this film...)
This is based on a book, which was one of the more successful "mash-ups" of that craze from a few years ago, that included "Pride & Prejudice & Zombies" and "Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters". There's also a close similarity to steampunk, which is a movement that assumes that the 1800's were filled with anachronisms and nearly every modern convenience we have now, only powered by coal and steam. I'm not quite sure what this movement stands for, what modern people gain from re-imagining the past to be more like today.
As a result this film shows us what the Civil War would have been like if vampires fought for the South (they support slavery, after all, because to them, all of humanity are their slaves) and soldiers could turn invisible and heal quickly and drink their enemies' blood. And again they're playing fast and loose with the vampire rules, because being invisible to mirrors and security cameras is not the same as being invisible to the human eye. Right?
By logical extension, silver becomes a more valuable resource for the Union army - so important that the President HIMSELF has to leave the White House to make sure the train delivers such an important shipment. And by illogical extension, our commander-in-chief wields an axe like a ninja master and has moves straight out of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". You got a better way to fight vampires?
And this leads to some extremely ridiculous situations - like chasing a vampire by leaping across a herd of stampeding horses. Or running toward the rear of a train whose first few cars are already falling off of a cliff. In fact the whole train sequence was even more impossible than the one James Bond encountered in "Skyfall" - there's no shortage of wild effects here, but there's also no attempt to have a semblance of reality. So if you don't mind switching your brain off for a couple hours, give this one a go. Just don't watch this looking for any real insight into the Lincoln-Douglas debates.
However, to imply that Lincoln's mother and young son were killed by vampires, well that's quite unconscionable. And to have the Gettysburg address read aloud over footage of vampires being blown up on the fields of battle, well, that's darn near heretical.
Also starring Dominic Cooper (last seen in "Captain America: The First Avenger"), Anthony Mackie (last seen in "Real Steel"), Rufus Sewell (last seen in "The Tourist"), Mary Elizabeth Winstead (last seen in "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World"), Jimmi Simpson (last seen in "Zodiac"), Erin Wasson, and an uncredited cameo from Alan Tudyk (last heard in "Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked").
RATING: 4 out of 10 bayonets
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