Sunday, June 23, 2013

Battleship

Year 5, Day 174 - 6/23/13 - Movie #1,466

BEFORE: This follows logically after "Cowboys & Aliens" because it also appears to be a clone of "Independence Day", I'm guessing, only the cowboys have been replaced by the U.S. Navy.   I've reviewed my actor linking for the next couple of weeks, so I'm comfortable pointing out that Harrison Ford was also in the film "K-19: The Widowmaker", which I wouldn't mind adding to the list, with Liam Neeson (last seen in "The Dead Pool").


THE PLOT:  A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.

AFTER:  I was right, this is another "Independence Day" ripoff.  And there's a nice carry-over from the James Bond series as well, since those films usually ended with "We've got to blow up the villain's giant technological thingy" and this one ends with "We've got to blow up the aliens' giant technological thingy". 

For a film based on a board game, I suppose it could have been much worse.  ("Monopoly: the Movie" coming soon...)  However, I don't remember any aliens in the Hasbro game, merely two opposing naval fleets.  Would it have been too weird if they made this film take place during World War II?  I guess then they couldn't have dazzing impossible special effects, like the projectiles the aliens use that are suspiciously shaped like the red and white pegs from the board game that we always found days later on the living room carpet.

There is one point in the film where the naval vessels are able to track the alien ships by using a sort of grid-like pattern, and taking almost random shots according to their best guesses about the ships' locations, and yet no one in the Navy says words like, "Hey, didn't I use to play a game like this when I was a kid?"  I'm torn between treating this as completely unbelievable and totally outlandish.  It's also neatly convenient that the two factions don't seem to be able to fire at each other at the same time, so it's almost like they're taking turns...  Hmm....

The problems don't end there - certain deus-ex-machina events such as a giant force field determine that only THIS small group of ragtag seamen can challenge the aliens (shades of "Armageddon" and all of its clones) and this group includes a group of WWII veterans and their steam-powered floating museum, and an army veteran with two artificial legs.  If you want to make the point that the elderly and the handi-capable are still valuable contributors to society, that's fine, but don't hit me over the head with it.  We kind of knew that already.  ("We appreciate your service and sacrifice, and we have no right to ask you to serve any more, but that's exactly what we're going to ask you to do.")

I can also believe that for some troubled young men, the Navy might be a good place for them to learn some discipline and get a sense of purpose, but it's almost a NITPICK POINT about whether a directionless troublemaker can enlist and become nearly the commander of a naval vessel (and the lead in an action film) in just a few years, or as seen here, just a few minutes of screen time.

NITPICK POINT #2: A decommissioned naval vessel, which has been turned in a museum for the public to visit, would most likely also have its weaponry and munitions disabled, for the sake of safety.  Whether it could still sail or not would be debatable, but I'm pretty solid on the artillery point. (IMDB also points out it would have needed 9 to 14 hours to build up enough steam pressure to move)

As for the aliens, I think I'm right in saying we've seen this sort of thing before.  We shouldn't try to signal cultures on other planets, because they'll come here and kill us. But if they do that, just capture an alien, figure out its weakness, exploit said weakness and manipulate the situation so that we can destroy their machinery and thus prevent an invasion.  Yup, "Independence Day", only in board game form.  Because we needed that.

Also starring Taylor Kitsch (last seen in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"), Alexander Skarsgard (last seen in "Zoolander"), Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker (last seen in "Just Go With It"), Peter MacNicol (last seen in "Game Change"), Hamish Linklater, John Tui, Jesse Plemons, Gregory Gadson, Adam Godley (last seen in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"), with a cameo from Jerry Ferrara.

RATING: 4 out of 10 weather buoys

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