BEFORE: I hate to veer off-course after just barely starting the serial-killer chain, but the actor linking demanded that this film comes next - Samuel L. Jackson carries over from "Twisted". I can cover by saying that last night's film exposed the fine line between cop and serial killer, and this one covers the similarly ridiculous fine line between covert assassin and, umm, housewife? Though this really belongs in the "spy" category, I'll get back on track tomorrow, and I'm planning on splitting up the serial killer chain into two parts anyway.
THE PLOT: A women suffering from amnesia begins to recover her memories after trouble from her past finds her again.
AFTER: Oh, this was just dreadful. And ridiculous. Dreadfully ridiculous. I could not fathom a film suggesting that a cop was committing murders while drunk, and similarly I cannot believe that an assassin's programming can be subverted, either by accident or design, to where she cannot remember any of it - and then, suddenly she can.
There's regular amnesia - people who have been injured in an accident and cannot remember parts of their life, despite desperately wanting to do so - and then there's "soap opera" amnesia, which seems to work like an on/off switch. The character needs to go away for a while (actor in rehab/working on a film) so a car crash is hastily inserted to the plot, and they spend a few months "recuperating" at a hospital, unable to remember their names. Then, when circumstances dictate, they recall everything about their lives, just in time to disrupt the wedding of their spouse to someone else.
This film's scenario is equally laughable - an assassin is injured and forgets everything about her life and training, and establishes a new life as a housewife. (Her new name is "Sam Caine", an anagram for "amnesiac".) But a car accident jars her memories loose, and suddenly she's chopping vegetables with incredible skill (first thing they teach you in spy school, chopping carrots) and remembering how to assemble a giant gun (where did THAT come from, if she had amnesia?).
A trip to New Jersey to find her ex-fiancé puts her in the crosshairs of her old spymasters, and the only hope is for her full training to return in time for her to fight back in full-force. Guess what happens?
The problem is, this is portrayed with a serious tone, and the skills she demonstrates are superhuman, as evidenced by stunts that even James Bond would find ridiculous. At least Bond acts like he's in on the joke. Example: ice-skating across a frozen lake with a rifle strapped to her back, shooting at a moving car with a pistol from, say, 500 yards away, and managing to shoot out one of the tires. Or using a dead body as a counterweight to lift herself up in the air via a cord to shoot at someone in a helicopter, and grabbing the gun from the dead body as it passes to shoot with. That's, like, a one-in-a-quadrillion move to make. And I'm supposed to take that seriously?
NITPICK POINT: Her memory starts to come back, yet she needs to hire a low-rent detective to track down someone in New Jersey? So her shooting skills come back, but not her tracking skills? Seems rather arbitrary.
There's also a very reprehensible suggestion that will please the 9/11 conspiracy theorists - the fact that this film was made in 1996 should only add fuel to THAT fire. And a spectacular ending that fails to make sense on any level - in the midst of trying to save her daughter, she puts her in incredible jeopardy, and instead of preventing a huge disaster, she just causes it to happen in a different place. How does THAT help anybody?
Oh, good, the screenwriter of this turkey is also the director of the upcoming "Iron Man 3", so I've got that to look forward to.
Also starring Geena Davis (last seen in "Quick Change"), Craig Bierko (last seen in "Superhero Movie"), Brian Cox (last seen in "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"), David Morse, Melina Kanakaredes (last seen in "Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief"), G.D. Spradlin.
RATING: 3 out of 10 snowmobiles
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