BEFORE: I've got one last chance to make this back-to-school week relevant again, you know, by concentrating on things that actually happen in class. These troubled teens just never seem to go to class, and they're always hanging around in graveyards, insane asylums and chess tournaments. Back in my day, I guess we weren't cool because we went to class 5 times a week.
Linking tonight is positively simple - Tony Shalhoub from "Searching for Bobby Fischer" was also in that fantastic film about an Italian restaurant, "Big Night", with Stanley Tucci (last seen in "Captain America: The First Avenger"). I've spent the better part of a week trying to get "The Terminal", also starring Stanley Tucci, burned on to a DVD - my first recording of it was glitchy (the DVR was still freezing up), the 2nd recording had bad sound (I used the wrong VCR), and my 3rd recording would not burn to a DVD because it appears that Time Warner Cable found a way to put a signal through my new DVR that prevents duplication of movies from the premium channels - which is terrible news for this blog, if I can't burn my movies to DVD, how can I watch them? Fortunately the other, older DVR, is still putting out a signal that my DVD recorder will work with - but it's still super annoying.
THE PLOT: A clean-cut high school student relies on the school's rumor mill to advance her social and financial standing.
AFTER: This is a well-intentioned update of "The Scarlet Letter", at least in some respects. That book comprises the story-within-the-story here, since the characters are reading it in English class. (OK, some of them are reading it, others are just watching the Demi Moore movie - haven't the kids today heard about Cliff Notes?) But the movie commits a few cardinal sins of its own in trying to update a classic storyline with a modern-day setting.
For starters, the backdrop of a typical modern public high-school makes no sense, if they want to make a point about an overly puritanical society. At the same time, the film points out that the social status of the kids depends on their sexual experience - so, which is it? Is everyone conservative and judgmental, or a bunch of randy horndogs? OK, I know that in real life people can be a mixture of both, but in a film you've got to have clear characters, and the portrayal of the student body here appears to be in constant contradiction. The film might have had more bite if it were set in a Catholic high-school - but that's been done before, and better, in a film called "Saved".
Secondly, a film can't reference what's been done before in bad, cheezy movies, calling those movies out for being bad and cheezy, and then do EXACTLY that same thing, that's a no-no. It worked in "Strange Brew", when a character didn't look at the road while driving and simultaneously point out that in movies, characters don't often look at the road while driving - but that was done farcically. In most cases the intentional breaking of the fourth wall is not encouraged - and if done poorly, it can shatter the beliefs of the audience and call the whole film into question. In a film where the acting is so marginal that I was often super-aware I was watching actors reading lines (another no-no), they shouldn't be doing anything close to dramatic irony (the term for a film referencing that it is, in fact, a film).
It happened several times - the teacher rapping, and then pointing out that you only see that in bad movies, plus the many references to classic 80's teen comedies, and wishing life could be more like that. You didn't see Ferris Bueller talk about how cheezy lip-synching movie musical numbers are before he did one, because that would be too self-referencial, even for him, and he talked straight to camera and got away with it. That said, the use of web-cam confessionals here was a very clever way to break the fourth wall and still maintain the illusion - the main character seems to be addressing the audience directly, but she's really speaking to classmates via the internets. (wait, or is it the other way around?)
I love my Mom and Dad dearly, and I feel I learned just as much from them as I did from school. But I never got anything close to "the talk" from them. I think they figured I'd pick everything up from books and movies, which I did by default. The parents portrayed here are SO down with their teen, and so sexually frank - it's another glaring reminder that we're watching a piece of fiction. No parents are really that cool, right? If they are, I may want a life do-over where my parents are played by Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson, or reasonable facsimiles.
So, what did I learn about school this week? Mostly that being a teen still sucks, especially if you get labelled as one of the unpopular people, or can talk to the dead or something. I've also seen quite a few bullies portrayed this week, and bullying is a hot topic, so let me address the (semi-)recent "It Gets Better" campaign, which I feel sort of sugarcoats things, and doesn't go far enough in telling teens how to handle their dark moments. Teens, this is your Uncle Honky talking, and you know I'd never lie to you, so let me assure you - if you're having a rough go at things, it does get better. Then it gets worse again, but after that you can coast on people's sympathy for like, a solid two years. Then it truly gets better, but it's only temporary because the economy's going to crash or the power grid's going to go or something - totally not your fault. Then it gets better again, because let's face it, you're probably comfortable with who you are by that point, and most people will be cool with it too. But there's a bit RIGHT at the end that's probably really going to suck ass, and then nothing. Whoops, was that a little too honest? Never mind, go do your algebra homework.
I've had a few friends recommend the film "Mean Girls", after they found out I was watching school-based films. But, I don't have a copy of that film, and I don't have a slot left in the year to watch it anyway - so I'll have to circle back and do a Follow-Up next year. I'm going in a different direction tomorrow.
Also starring Emma Stone (last seen in "Friends With Benefits"), Patricia Clarkson (ditto), Amanda Bynes (last seen in "Hairspray"), Thomas Haden Church (last seen in "3000 Miles to Graceland"), Lisa Kudrow (last seen in "The Other Woman"), Penn Badgley, Dan Byrd, Aly Michalka, with cameos from Malcolm McDowell (last seen in "The Book of Eli"), Fred Armisen (last seen in "Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore").
RATING: 5 out of 10 text messages
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