BEFORE: First off, let me direct you to my first-ever podcast, containing some of my thoughts on the movie "The Avengers", as recorded in conversation with my BFF Andy, about a week ago when I was visiting him for the weekend. If interested, please visit: http://5by5.tv/ia/30
Now, on with the countdown. I watched the original version of "The Longest Yard" back in November 2009 as part of my first football chain - movie #311, so that was 848 movies ago. Sheesh - I should probably re-read that review as a refresher. As for linking, James Cromwell carries over from "Secretariat" - all part of the plan.
THE PLOT: Prison inmates form a football team to challenge the prison guards.
AFTER: I mentioned in my review of "The Avengers" that the film follows classic Hollywood three-act structure. Andy thought that the helicarrier sequence was quite unnecessary, but I pointed out that it forms the film's crucial second act - often when a film is not working, a writer or director will say that it has "second act problems". (Some screenplays use a six-act structure, but even then, the six-acts can also be broken down into three sections - premise/set-up, conflict/development and resolution/wrap-up)
Once you see the formula, you can apply it to the vast majority of Hollywood films - "Star Wars: Episode IV" can be broken down into Tatooine, Death Star and Yavin sections. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" becomes 1) South America/Princeton, 2) Egypt/finding the ark and 3) opening the ark. As I said about "The Avengers", that film becomes 1) assembling the team, 2) helicarrier sequence (getting the team to work together) and 3) final battle.
The remake of "The Longest Yard" shares its story structure with "The Avengers" - once Paul Crewe is behind bars, he's forced to recruit a football team, get it to work together, and then the team battles the guards. But that's about where the similarities end. As I say about many films, the buy-in (getting me to believe the premise) is so high, it forces me to call shenanigans on everything that follows.
We are made to believe that a bunch of prison guards has enough talent and spare time to compete in a football league. I suppose guards tend to be the burly sort, and perhaps some of them played ball in high-school or college, but the idea that a prison warden would recruit failed players and offer them jobs, just to compete in a semi-pro league, is quite far-fetched. Even if you consider Texas to be a big football-oriented state, it seems like a bunch of bull.
Then we've got to believe that this team of guards needs someone to practice against - because they can't just split into two squads, or recruit local high-school or college players for a pick-up game. No, it's got to be the inmates - contrivance #2. That the warden would allow the guard-players to come in contact with inmate-players, and not see that the players would want to injure the guards, that's contrivance #3.
The motives of the warden are quite suspect - he wants Crewe to assemble a good team, but he still wants his guard-team to win. He wants to show how powerful he is - but gives Crewe free rein to roam the prison recruiting players. He wants the inmate-team to function well to test the guard-team, but then he hampers their practices at every opportunity. Contrivances #4, 5 and 6.
Then we've got the presence of Burt Reynolds (last seen in "Smokey and the Bandit II") who's supposedly a former Heisman Trophy winner, who's been in the same prison for years - well, why didn't the warden ask HIM to put together a team, years ago? It's an obvious nod to the original film, but it's yet another contrived coincidence.
The ridiculous premise is followed by a ridiculous game, with lots of tricks, stunts and intentional injuries. Perhaps the second act is the best one, with Crews & co. learning how to survive in prison, figuring out how to make contact with the best available players, and whipping them into something akin to a coherent squad. But the rest really wasn't believable at all.
Starring Adam Sandler (last seen in "Mixed Nuts"), Chris Rock (last heard in "Bee Movie"), Nelly, Terry Crews (last seen in "Terminator Salvation"), Nicholas Turturro (last seen in "Mo' Better Blues"), David Patrick Kelly, William Fichtner (last seen in "Date Night"), Tracy Morgan (last seen in "Cop Out"), Cloris Leachman (last seen in "New York, I Love You"), NFL star Michael Irvin, Brian Bosworth, and wrestlers Goldberg, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Kevin Nash, Dalip Singh aka The Great Khali (last seen in "MacGruber"), with cameos from Courteney Cox (last seen in "3000 Miles to Graceland"), Rob Schneider (last seen in "Grown Ups"), and Chris Berman.
RATING: 5 out of 10 cheeseburgers
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