BEFORE: You know, yesterday was Easter Sunday, which doesn't mean much to me these days except an excuse to load up on egg-shaped chocolate candies, but I realize that it's meaningful to some people. When I programmed this month, I meant to draw an analogy between Superman and Jesus, and then I forgot to do that on the right day. And by this I mean the biblical Jesus, not the real Jesus that was walking around back in the day - and to me, there is a real difference, one being a fictional character and all that. Anyway, here's what their stories have in common: both were conceived in the heavens, both were "born" on earth through unconventional means, raised by adoptive parent(s), both had powers beyond those of mortal men. Both had conversations with their father in the heavens (God/Jor-el), and both "died" and came back to life. So I kind of lump them together in my mind sometimes.
Most of last night's cast carries over, as Superman works for world peace tonight.
THE PLOT: The Man of Steel crusades for nuclear disarmament and meets Lex Luthor's latest creation, Nuclear Man.
AFTER: Wow, and I thought "Superman III" was bad. That one proved that it's writers and directors knew nothing about how computers work, and this film proves that someone doesn't understand how the arms race, nuclear power and cloning all work.
Let's start with the arms race - even if I cut them some slack and allow for the fact that the film was made during the height of the Cold War, it's still an over-simplification of nuclear disarmament. It's the "Wargames" mentality, assuming that the best way to win is to not play. Ah, but you can't un-invent the nuclear bomb, so even if you take away all the missiles, countries still need to build more, because their enemies are going to do the same. Plus, even if you could take away the missiles and prevent all the countries from re-arming, you haven't done a thing to prevent conventional wars from being waged. As illogical as it may seem, you have to treat nuclear war as its own deterrent - the superpowers have never launched a nuclear strike, because it would ultimately lead to their own destruction.
Now we come to nuclear power - and I'd sure take Lex Luthor more seriously if he didn't pronounce it "nuke-u-lar", like George W. Bush did. It's treated in this film pretty much like microwaves, generally shown to be hot and melty. Umm, no. That's not how it works, at least I don't think so. The sun is a nuclear furnace, yes - but its powers are not transitive. Superman's body works like a solar energy battery - he is recharged by Earth's yellow sun. But that doesn't make him, or another character with similar powers, nuclear.
Next up, cloning - Luthor takes a hair from Superman, uses its DNA to grow some protoplasm, and sends that into the sun. Which, as we've already established, is a nuclear furnace and burns up everything. But it doesn't burn up the protoplasm, it ejects it (somehow counteracting the sun's massive gravity well...) to form an embryo in space that instantly grows into an adult. Is this seriously how someone thought you could make an adult supervillain? I know it's a fantasy film, but give me a break!
I've got, like a hundred of these, but here are the most egregious:
NITPICK POINT: Once created in space, how did the Nuclear Man know to head toward Earth? Did he visit Mercury and Venus first, finally deciding Earth was where he needed to be? And how did he know to seek out his creator, Lex Luthor? For that matter, how did he know how to speak English?
NITPICK POINT #2: Why does Superman feel the need to remind Lois Lane about his secret identity, only to give her some kind of super memory-stealing kiss and make her forget again? I guess she found out Clark Kent is Superman in the 2nd film, but got her memory wiped - but for the rest of this film, she seems to know, but also not know. Pick a horse and run with it, damn it.
NITPICK POINT #3: Superman/Clark Kent goes on a double date with Lois and another woman - is this really a good idea? Clark has to keep pretending to lock himself out of the apartment, and Superman has to keep pretending he's got to go put out a fire or something. This seems like a comic situation stolen from "Three's Company" or something, with Jack Tripper pretending to be his French cousin from out of town or something. Is this even fair to either woman?
NITPICK POINT #4: Superman repairs the Great Wall of China by looking at it? What, does he have special brick-building vision now? That's not one of Superman's powers.
In the end, this whole film was corny, inconsistent, and just plain ill-conceived. Superman could have saved everyone some time by just deciding not to interfere with man's desire to blow himself up. In fact, it would have made more sense if the nuclear powers just disarmed themselves voluntarily once they knew Superman existed.
Starring Christopher Reeve, Margot Kidder, Jackie Cooper (all carrying over from "Superman III"), Gene Hackman (last seen in "Crimson Tide"), Jon Cryer (last seen in "Hot Shots"), Mariel Hemingway (last seen in "Delirious"), with cameos from William Hootkins (Porkins!) and Jim Broadbent.
RATING: 2 out of 10 moon rocks
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