BEFORE: OK, enough screwing around with movies based on TV shows, let's get back to business.
THE PLOT: In 1860s Britain, a boy inventor finds himself caught in the middle of a deadly conflict over a revolutionary advance in steam power.
AFTER: I don't quite understand the "Steampunk" movement, from what I've seen - namely people dressing up at Comic-Con wearing leather outfits, aviator goggles, and big devices with lots of gauges and valves on them. There seems to be a desire to believe that anything could have been invented back in the 1800's, before it actually was. I don't see why people have a propensity to force 20th-century science into the Victorian Age.
Another thing I don't really understand is the popularity of manga, which always seems to contain characters with astonished expressions screaming at each other, making no sense in ways that don't quite synch up with their mouth movements. I realize a lot of this is due to the translation into English, but there's only so many times that characters can say "Huh? What? Can you hear me?" before it becomes annoying.
This is the story of a young boy, Ray Steam, whose father (and grandfather) are away working on some top-secret science project. One day a package arrives, with a note instructing Ray's family to keep its contents safe, and out of the hands of the Ohara Foundation. Of course, the Foundation shows up looking for the contents, a "Steam Ball", and Ray goes on the run, pursued by men on strange vehicles that look like locomotives, but are somehow the precursors to auto-motives. (Get it?)
This leads to Ray meeting up with Robert Stephenson, (I'm not sure, was this supposed to be Robert Louis Stevenson, the author? Did someone mix him up with Robert Fulton, the inventor of the steamboat? That would have made more sense...) who works for another mysterious group, at odds with the Foundation. And this leads to Ray finding his father and grandfather, who are both crazy inventors that designed a giant city/fortress called Steam Castle.
The theory seems to be that anything is possible, provided the characters have a large enough boiler, sufficient steam pressure, and a conglomeration of switches, pumps and valves. But while the movie is heavy on musings about the responsibilities of science (the big picture), it never takes the time to explain how anything actually, you know, works.
What is the "Steam Ball"? What, exactly, does it do? What makes it special? How does such a small device power an entire city? Is it best not to think too much about these things? I demand to know - how many forests are being destroyed to produce the wood to boil the water to create all this steam power? And if steam is so powerful, how come we abandoned its use in favor of gas, coal, and oil? Sorry, I'm not buying it.
And wouldn't hot steam running through the streets of London burn a whole lot of people? There's some half-hearted explanation about how expanding gas draws heat from its surroundings, which therefore freezes the city, rather than boils it, but I'm not buying that one either. It's steam, therefore it should be hot.
It's a visually stunning film, but it falls short on dialogue, explanations, and any sort of believability. I know, I know, it's a fantasy film, but it was very tough for me to slog through because there wasn't much to grab on to, plot-wise. Ray's father and grandfather are locked in a constant battle over which one of them is "right", but what, exactly is the issue that they're fighting over? Is one of them right and the other wrong, is one good and the other evil? And if so, which is which? And how come it's up to a small boy to figure out what science should be used for? Isn't that, like, what scientists are for?
Starring the voices of Anna Paquin (really? as a young British boy? It didn't sound like her at all...), Patrick Stewart, and Alfred Molina (his voice drove me crazy throughout the film, it was just outside of my recognition...). Apparently the movie could only employ voice talent that had been in an X-Men or Spider-Man film.
RATING: 4 out of 10 zeppelins (Oh, the humanity!)
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