BEFORE: I spent last night wrapping gifts, so in a way I'm behind again. I'll knock this one out tonight, then pack for Massachusetts. I should have some more time at my parents' house, except for the partying and the feasting and the gift exchange, and I'll probably want to get together with friends, so actually there goes that idea.
THE PLOT: Fred Claus, Santa's bitter older brother, is forced to move to the North Pole.
AFTER: Vince Vaughn carries over from last night's film - this is an update to the Santa Claus story that adds a shifty big brother character, and then it makes the necessary changes to the Santa mythology to properly tell his story. Sorry, but in order to be a saint, you've got to be dead - people seem inclined to let "St. Nicholas" slide on that one, but I think the church rules are pretty strict on this. According to this film, a saint becomes immortal, and so do all the members of his immediate family. (?)
But, really, the Santa Claus story is always changing, thanks to the same Hollywood jackholes who need to update James Bond or Batman or Spider-Man just to keep them fresh for each new generation of movie-goers. And no one studio "owns" the Santa story, so we get Dudley Moore and Tim Allen and Will Ferrell and Tom Hanks thrown into the Santa/Elf/North Pole matrix every couple years, hoping today's kids have a short attention span, and don't point out all the discrepancies between the Santa films.
Santa Claus is like the Mercedes of characters - changes to the design should be made with great thought and care, and then only when they improve his story, rather than just add to it. This is a film that tells us not to "Drink the Kool-Aid" where Santa is concerned, and then pours us three pitchers of the stuff.
I've now realized that Vince Vaughn is still playing the same chattery wheeler-dealer that he played in "Swingers" - maybe he's like this in all his films? Kevin Spacey (last seen in "The Men Who Stare at Goats") has a nice turn here as an efficiency expert trying to shut the North Pole down (umm...and he was hired by who, exactly?).
Y'know, I hate to be a cynic, but wouldn't it be more efficient for Santa's sleigh to work its way across the globe just once, instead of criss-crossing and backtracking, as seen in this film? Scratch that, I'm proud to be a cynic - and you know who's fault that is? Santa's - because as a kid I never understood how Santa got to every kid's house. It was not physically possible, and don't drop that "elfin magic" crap on me, because that's as bad as saying that "God works in mysterious ways." Like every kid, I was sold a bill of goods on Santa that turned to disappointment.
Still, I did get a dose of the post-modern warm + fuzzies from this film, which is why its rating is not scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Also starring Paul Giamatti (last seen in "The Negotiator"), Rachel Weisz (last seen in "The Fountain"), Kathy Bates (last seen in "Misery"), John Michael Higgins (last seen in "Blade: Trinity"), Elizabeth Banks (last seen in "Meet Dave"), Miranda Richardson (last seen in "The Phantom of the Opera"), Ludacris, and cameos from Stephen Baldwin, Frank Stallone and Roger Clinton (in a sibling-rivalry therapy session!)
RATING: 3 out of 10 conveyor belts
Some stories are written by storytellers, and some are written by nerds. The storyteller understands that it's not really important that the "rules" for running Santa's operation are laid out, or that the organization that has oversight and can pull the plug is identified.
ReplyDeleteThe Nerd lays out all of that stuff in meticulous detail, and by the time you get to the end of the 780-page novel or the three-hour screenplay, the story is barely at the start of Act 2.
(This is why I don't read much science fiction. I keep getting burned by writers who know every detail of how our Society would be different today if there was no concept of "doors" but who haven't the slightest clue about how people talk to one another.)
From the Nerd part of my brain: how would your wife have reacted if, when she accepted your proposal, you told her that your sister was the Winter Queen and therefore, you and the woman who marries you would be effectively immortal?
Would that be a deal-enhancer?
If the marriage started to lose its spark after 240 years or so, would she dare divorce you? I imagine after nearly three centuries, the idea of the gaping abyss of the grave would be even more terrifying. Maybe she'd stay with you JUST for the immortality. You'd probably start to wonder about stuff like this, after another hundred or two years.
And what if she didn't hit it off with your parents? She knows that she's going to watch all of her family members and all of her friends grow old and die, BUT she'd be with the in-laws for Eternity.
Speaking of Eternity: what if she's of a religious faith that promises neverending Paradise in the company of God after death? Wouldn't it seem selfish to rob her of an eternity of perfect love in the Presence of Our Lord and Creator?
That said: I'd pay to see Paul Giamatti as Santa again.