BEFORE: This movie got pretty terrible reviews when it came out a few years back - but come on, how bad could it be?
THE PLOT: A shy woman, endowed with the speed, reflexes, and senses of a cat, walks a thin line between criminal and hero, as a detective pursues her, fascinated by both of her personas.
AFTER: Oh, THAT bad. Though the major complaint about this film seems to be that it was a "reimagining" of the Catwoman character, and not a direct adaptation of DC's Selina Kyle character, I have my own reasons - namely that the movie tries to play it too straight, and doesn't remain true to itself. It sets up rules and scenarios, and then discards them. The movie is set behind the scenes of a cosmetics company, and it's producing a face cream (or something) that has harmful effects - but what exactly those effects are seems to change several times throughout the movie. So using the make-up is good? Using the make-up is...bad? Once you use it, it's bad to stop? Can we have just a little consistency?
Then we have people constantly doing things in ways that make no sense - like playing a game of basketball and somehow forgetting to shoot a basket. There's more to the game than just defense and ball-handling (insert your own joke here, it's too easy for me...). Or Catwoman ordering a drink by asking for a White Russian, minus the vodka, minus the kahlua. Is it too simple to just order a glass of milk? No one, simply no one, talks this way - the dialogue is so poorly written, it feels people don't know how to speak English, like they're all foreigners or something. For example - the cosmetics line is spelled "Beau-Line" - which to me looks like it should be pronounced "Byew-line" (as in "beauty line") or at least "Bo-Lean" (if you're French) but everyone in the film seems to prefer saying "Bee-you Leen" Huh? That would never work.
Halle Berry spends most of the movie looking and acting confused - who can blame her, after all. Peter Parker got bitten by a spider and became Spider-Man. That guy who got hit by a meteor became Meteor Man. You see where I'm going with this? She got her powers from the chemical run-off from a cosmetics factory - and became Catwoman? She should have become Chemical Waste Woman, or Toxic Avenger or something.
But no, the accident gives her speed, agility and cat-like reflexes. It also unleashes her inner "bad girl" (and her inner "bad haircut"). But I'm sorry, cats don't actually climb walls or move at super-speed (or have a preference for fine jewelry). However, the effects of Catwoman moving around the room quickly (in a tight cat-suit) are probably the only redeeming parts of the film, for a number of reasons.
Also starring Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt, Frances Conroy (as "Crazy Cat-lady") and Alex Borstein.
RATING: 3 out of 10 spotlights (on the catwalk, of course)
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