BEFORE: Of course, I've seen "Rocky". Who hasn't seen "Rocky"? Everyone's seen it, right? But the sequels - I'm not so sure. So, let's make sure...
THE PLOT: Rocky struggles in family life after his bout with Apollo Creed, while the embarrassed champ insistently goads him to accept a challenge for a rematch.
AFTER: I'm honestly surprised I didn't fall asleep during this one. After clips from the Balboa/Creed fight repeated from the first film, Rocky then spends the next hour and a half doing everything BUT boxing. Who the heck structured this film? Who thought it would be exciting for us to watch Rocky give his dog a bath, work in a meat-packing plant (not even using a side of beef as a training bag...), get married, and buy a house?
Yes, I understand the concept of a "story arc". Yes, I understand that Rocky has been medically advised not to box (nice tie-in with last night's film...). But it's a BOXING movie, dammit. A wrestler wrestles, and a boxer boxes. That's why we're tuning in to the film, to see a boxing match!
And Stallone as Rocky can't really support a movie when he's not boxing. The dialogue is painful and laughably simple, and other than watching Rocky flub his way through a cologne commercial, there's not much entertaining going on in the first 2/3 of this film.
Then again, maybe the goal was to bore the audience, so when the inevitable training montage comes along, it's really exciting, by comparison! Finally, something is happening! Yay, Rocky's doing one-arm push-ups and running up the stairs!
Which leads into the rematch with Apollo Creed - damn, what a fight! Another 15 rounds of pure punishment, occasionally punctuated by slow-motion shots of a boxing glove pounding into Rocky's face. Creed's combination punches are pure artistry, and apparently Rocky's too numb to feel anything, or too dumb to quit when he's behind...
It's a thrilling ending, but I sort of feel like I got sucker-punched by the rest of the movie. Like Randy "The Ram", Rocky only comes alive inside the ring.
With Talia Shire, Burgess Meredith, Burt Young, with cameos by Roberto Duran and Brent Musberger.
RATING: 5 out of 10 bags of hate-mail.
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