Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

Year 16, Day 251 - 9/7/24 - Movie #4,836

BEFORE: I know, I know, it's a film for teenage girls based on a book that was made for teenage girls.  But I did read this book when I was a kid - even boys have to learn about these things, too.  And the film did get a lot of buzz last year when it was released.  Look, any time September rolls around and I have a chance to link to films about grade school or high school or college, I'm going to take that.  And if one actor is in TWO of those films, you'd better believe I'm going to find that link and use it. Echo Kellum carries over from "Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken".  And I've still got "Rocket Science", "Leo" and "Blockers" coming up later this month for more back-to-school fun.

THE PLOT: Eleven-year-old Margaret moves from the city to the suburbs and starts to contemplate everything about life, friendship and adolescence.  She relies on her mother, Barbara, who offers loving support, and her grandmother, Sylvia. 

AFTER: Well, the book came out in the 1970's, I don't know exactly why it took over 50 years to make a film based on the book. I would imagine that many people tried over the decades but failed for some reason - I will have to look into that later.  I bet this is one of those books that conservatives keep trying to ban for some unfathomable reason, like parents don't want their sons to know about women's monthly cycles or something, because that would turn them gay or trans or into devil-worshippers. I may be wrong but I bet it's something that kind of ridiculous. 

Yeah, I just looked it up, the main criticisms of the book are the frank (but come on, realistic) discussions about menstruation and the fact that a young girl is allowed to decide for herself what religion she would prefer to practice, or none at all.  Hey, Lisa Simpson decided to be Buddhist and nobody ever protested "The Simpsons" for that.  So what gives?  Is the process somehow BETTER when a child is automatically made to be a member of whatever religion their parents happen to be?  That's no choice at all, that's a form of brainwashing - we do have freedom of religion in this country and maybe nobody should be born into ANY religion or automatically made a legacy member, everyone should have to earn their spot in any faith through confirmation or bat mitzvah or whatever.  

This was a really progressive idea fifty years ago, to let a kid decide - but Margaret's parents kind of slipped up and made a mistake in logic here, because sure, they wanted her to be able to choose her religion, but if they keep her away from both of their religions, then how is she supposed to make a choice?  Dad's Jewish and Mom's Catholic, if they want her to make the right choice for herself as an adult then she really would need more information about what both religions are like, so keeping her in the dark about both isn't really the right answer either.  It might be better for her to be what we used to call a "cafeteria Catholic", someone who chooses which rules of the religion they want to follow, and they allow themselves to not follow the rules they don't like.  At least she'd get a feel for both faiths that way.  

Margaret instead chooses to speak to God directly, asking questions and begging for things to turn out in her favor at times - it's really a powerful metaphor for all religion, we create an entity and we imagine that entity is in charge, and we assume He/She/They know what He/She/They are doing.  Then we ask the entity for favors or certain results, and if they happen we assume the entity has honored our requests, and if they don't, well, maybe we asked wrong or we don't deserve what we asked for or maybe the entity works in mysterious ways.  But after speaking to God several times and not getting any answer, Margaret starts to wonder if there's even a God in the first place.  Yeah, Margaret is a pretty sharp girl.  God either chooses not to answer, or doesn't exist to begin with. 

The trouble starts when Margaret gets back from summer camp, and learns that her parents bought a car - like, who has a CAR in Manhattan?  Oh, yeah, about that, they're also packing up the apartment because that car's going to take them to a house in New Jersey.  This is when Margaret starts praying, and honestly, I can't blame her, if I had to New Jersey I'd start praying too.  But she prays for New Jersey to not be so horrible, and really, she should learn to keep her requests within the realm of possibility.  

Immediately after moving in to the new house, Margaret gets a visit from her new soon-to-be classmate, Nancy - apparently the real estate agent sent a note about the new residents to everyone in the neighborhood, which I don't think is a thing that real estate agents do, or at least it shouldn't be. Nancy wants Margaret to join her secret club, they're going to have a handshake and talk about boys and probably practice kissing and stuff.  Yeah, this is why young boys read Judy Blume's books, too, just to see what happens on the inside in these girls' clubs. 

As a sixth grader, Margaret is assigned a year-long research project, and her teacher suggests that it be about religion, since she apparently has this choice to make, and in the meantime enjoys the benefit of not having to go to church or temple or observe any holidays that are weird or icky or involve crucifixion or seders or anything weird. Margaret wonders why she never met her grandparents on her mother's side, and finds out that they broke off the relationship with her mother when she married Margaret's father, a Jewish man.  This is no joke, Catholics believe that the followers of other religions are all going to Hell when they die, and that Heaven is exclusively for them, like some country club in the sky. Jewish people pretty much believe the same thing about heaven, but they don't believe in Hell at all, so I guess the members of at least one religion are going to have to face some rough truths when they die.  Or not.

The girls' secret club keeps meeting and Margaret has to keep a boy journal and not wear socks on certain days, and she has to get a bra even if she doesn't need one yet - Jeez, this was kind of like "Mean Girls" 20 years early, right?  And if one of them gets their period, they absolutely have to tell the others what it was like.  And they have to practice kissing in case a game of Spin the Bottle breaks out at Norman Fischer's birthday party.  I'm surprised that this part of the book got left in the movie, because Spin the Bottle (and Two Minutes in the Closet) are games based on non-consensual contact, and therefore should no longer be considered P.C., in fact they never were. 

Margaret also wants to re-connect with her Jewish grandmother by visiting her in Florida for spring break, but then the family hears from Margaret's other grandparents, they want to re-connect with the family that same week, so the trip to Florida gets cancelled.  Grandma flies up from Florida instead, so it's one big happy family until everyone starts arguing over whether Margaret should be raised Catholic or Jewish. All of the grandparents want her to practice their own religion, which of course is the problem her parents were trying to avoid, but they're never going to STOP trying to save her soul, as they see fit.  The only answer, I'm afraid to say, is to cut all super-religious people out of your life.  I did that myself and I'm much happier without them - sorry, Mom and Dad. JK. 

That's when Margaret finally has her revelation, that maybe God's not even there, and around the same time she cuts Nancy out of her life, too, because she lied about getting her period early, that's a violation of her OWN club rules, after all.  Soon Margaret's off to summer camp again, but she gets her period before that, and it's really no big deal.  If anything, THAT'S the takeaway here, that a girl's monthly cycle is really no big deal, why the conservatives get all up in arms about that, I really have no clue. 

Also starring Abby Ryder Fortson (last seen in "Playing It Cool"), Rachel McAdams (last seen in "Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness"), Kathy Bates (last seen in "Prelude to a Kiss"), Benny Safdie (last seen in "Pieces of a Woman"), Elle Graham (last seen in "She Said"), Amari Alexis Price, Katherine Kupferer (last seen in "Widows"), Kate MacCluggage, Aidan Wojtak-Hissong, Landon S. Baxter, Mackenzie Joy Potter, Olivia Frances Williams, Simms May, Zackary Brooks, Jacobi Swain, Isol Young, Zach Humphrey, Karen Aruj, Robert Haulbrook (last seen in "Loving"), Johnny Land, Jennifer Errington, Evan Bergman (last seen in "Jerry and Marge Go Large"), Michael Wolk, Karen Macarah (last seen in "The Disaster Artist"), Ariel DiDonato, Tanya J. McClellan, Dennis Delamar, Samantha LeBrocq, Ethan McDowell, Sloane Warren, Holli Saperstein, Deborah Helms, Cooper Herrett, Gezell Fleming, Jim France (last seen in "Father Figures"), Wilbur Fitzgerald (last seen in "No Good Deed"), Mia Dillon (last seen in "A Shock to the System"), Gary Houston (last seen in "Slice"), with a cameo from Judy Blume. 

RATING: 5 out of 10 Radio City Music Hall Rockettes

Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken

Year 16, Day 250 - 9/6/24 - Movie #4,835

BEFORE: See, I told you I'd get back to school-based movies, it's just a week later than I originally planned, thanks to Jason Statham.  But that did push school films like today's and tomorrow's into September, that's a good thing, as long as I can still connect with horror films on October 1.  Today's film is also a monster-based film, which suggests October, and it does link to one or two horror movies, but come on, it's a cartoon for kids, and I need it to make the linking work here. I could also have fit "Blockers" in before this one, with Geraldine Viswanathan carrying over and then Ramona Young making the connection to "Ruby Gillman", but I need that film to make a different connection in about three weeks.  So that one goes THERE and this one goes HERE, OK? 

Colman Domingo carries over from "Drive-Away Dolls". 

THE PLOT: A shy adolescent learns that she comes from a fabled royal family of legendary sea creatures and that her destiny lies in the depths of the waters, which is bigger than she could have ever imagined. 

AFTER: Ugh, I did not enjoy this one at all. I realize I'm outside the film's target market, being a 55-year old man who is child-FREE (not child-LESS, I am not missing anything) and I really feel for the poor parents who have to endure crap like this when they show it to their kids.  Really, start the movie and just walk away, I promise, you're not missing anything.  I couldn't take the main character's incessant whining in the first 10 minutes alone, she complains about being a kraken and also about not being able to go to prom, because at Oceanside High prom is held on a boat, and she's been told by her mother that she can't risk touching the water, or bad things will happen.  Umm, OK, but then, like how does she take a shower or a bath?  

Then the next part is about her wanting to ask some boy named Connor that she tutors in math to go to the prom, he's cool because he's got big curly hair and skateboards, though I think maybe nobody skateboards any more, they really should have checked on that before making the film.  At least I know it's not cool any more, people may still do it but they're big losers. Anyway first she can't go to prom because her parents forbid it, but then she IS going to prom because she's decided it's too important (Terrible Message for the Kids, just don't listen to your parents when they forbid you to do something) so she WILL go and she wants to ask Connor, but then she can't because she's too shy, and OH MY GOD will you just do something, ask him or don't ask him, I really don't care - but PLEASE stop being ambivalent about it. 

Her prom-posal is a disaster and Connor falls in the ocean, because the whole town is one giant pier or something, and so she's forced to jump in and save him doing EXACTLY the one thing she was told she must never do, and as a result she turns from a regular-sized Kraken into a giant monster Kraken, and she can no longer pass for human, so umm, I guess she can forget about going to prom.  Thank God THAT got resolved. Her transformation somehow summons her uncle Brill, and her mother is able to calm her down to normal human size, and so we learn that all the women in her family have this ability, and also her uncle lets slip that she also has a grandmother who is Queen of the Krakens.  There are apparently a lot of things that Ruby's mother has not told her about their familly.  (Another Terrible Message, if there's a secret in your family that you're uncomfortable talking about, just never bring it up, there's no way that could have any bad repercussions. There you go, bottle up your feelings. Push it down, way down.)

Ruby goes to seek out her grandmother, Queen of the Krakens, to learn more about her heritage, because even after admitting that she SHOULD have told Ruby some things, her mother still doesn't tell her anything, which is an odd story choice.  As soon as a character says, "There are some things I should have told you..." that should IMMEDIATELY be followed by the telling of those things, because now that character has admitted that holding back the information was a mistake.  So, therefore, Ruby has a right to know some things, so maybe now is a good time to tell her those things?  Apparently not.

Returning home, Ruby is still a giant Kraken and is hunted by the town sea captain (and bus/ship tour guide) Gordon Lighthouse. (OK 1 point for that name) but she's saved by Chelsea, the new girl from school, who is herself secretly a mermaid. Krakens and mermaids supposedly have a deep rivalry here, but it's not what you think, the mermaids are the bad ones. (Take that, Disney!).  Chelsea suggests that she and Ruby have a "Super Sea Girl Ditch Day", and that's Terrible Message for the Kids #3 - as soon as things get a little awkward at school, you really should just leave, take the day off, go ahead, decompress, you deserve it.

But Chelsea thinks that by working together, she and Ruby can find the Trident from the Well of Seas and use that to put an end to this centuries-old rivalry between krakens and mermaids.  But isn't that JUST what a lying, thieving, untrustworthy mermaid would suggest?  Ruby tries to introduce her new mermaid friend to her mother, who does not take it well, and forbids Ruby from returning to the ocean.  There you go, Terrible Message #4 - if your kids have a friend who is different from them in any way, just tell them they can't be friends with that person.  The last thing your kid needs is a bunch of diverse friends.

Really, it's almost the same plot as "Turning Red", isn't it? They just changed the type of monster that the teenage girl turns into, but it's the same concept, she gets the power to transform when she's at school and only the women in her family have that ability, they just took out any symbolism about menstruation and put an emphasis on going to the prom instead.  And just like in "Turning Red", every daughter resents their mother for something.  Yeah, that's probably not very healthy either, but maybe it somehow rings true.  Still, a film is supposed to be a fantasy, maybe one where families get along, not like real families where teens all reject their parents and everything they stand for, which drives their parents into mad, punishing disciplinarians, desperately trying to control their kids, who just want to be out of control.  

By this time I had long stopped caring about this stupid movie and its terrible messages, and I think I fell asleep, which was something of a relief.  But obviously the Mermaid gets the trident and attacks the Krakens on prom night, and Ruby is forced to turn into a Kraken and team up with her mother to save the prom ship.  This Kraken family is no longer forced to pretend they are human, but instead become the protectors of the seas around Oceanside.  What a pile of crap.  When I was a kid we had the movie "Clash of the Titans" and the Kraken was a fearsome monster who attacked the Greek isles, even though it was a creature from Swedish mythology.  Somehow it must have gotten lost.  But it was a giant, terrible stop-motion monster and we liked it that way.  You kids today have no idea. 

Also starring the voices of Jane Fonda (last seen in "Call Me Kate"), Lana Condor (last seen in "Patriots Day"), Toni Collette (last seen in "Stowaway"), Blue Chapman, Will Forte (last seen in "Strays"), Liza Koshy, Ramona Young (last heard in "Wendell & Wild"), Eduardo Franco (last seen in "Booksmart"), Jaboukie Young-White (last seen in "C'mon C'mon", Annie Murphy, Sam Richardson (last seen in "Somebody I Used to Know"), Nicole Byer (last seen in "Unplugging"), Echo Kellum (last seen in "Girlfriend's Day"), Preston Arsement, Brianna Arsement, Juju Green, Salish Matter, Jordan Matter, Randy Thom (last heard in "Spies in Disguise"), Karen Foster, Atticus Shaindin, Suzanne Buirgy, Emma Chamberlain.

RATING: 3 out of 10 annoying hungry seagulls

Drive-Away Dolls

Year 16, Day 249 - 9/5/24 - Movie #4,834

BEFORE: I'm still waiting for my September shifts to kick in - I understand that it's still considered by many to be a holiday week, but I haven't worked at the theater in over a week, and I'm not due in there until Saturday.  Once September really gets rolling, there will be more events, and I just picked up another one today from a co-worker who double-booked herself at the end of the month.  So I've got seven shifts coming up this month, they just haven't started happening yet, so I'm at home playing with my new DVD recorder and trying to figure out what movies from my "Movies to Add" list need to be recorded on the DVR or put on DVD. If I pick the wrong ones, it could mean I can't connect Halloween and Christmas, you never know.  Also while I have down-time I should probably make an attempt to connect Halloween and Christmas in 15 or 16 steps, because then I'll know that I have this year all planned out. It could happen. 

Joey Slotnick carries over from "Plane". I don't think he'll make the year-end countdown unless he pops up in one more film, but with this movie Matt Damon and Miley Cyrus confirm their year-end spots, and Colman Domingo should reach the threshold tomorrow. It's so hard to predict this now since I've only been programming about two months at a time. 

THE PLOT: Jamie regrets her breakup with her girlfriend, while Marian needs to relax. In search of a fresh start, they embark on an unexpected road trip to Tallahassee. Things quickly go awry when they cross paths with a group of inept criminals. 

AFTER: This is a break-up movie, sure, the kind you're used to, the romantic kind, but also a different kind, too.  It's the first film directed by ONE of the Coen brothers, Ethan to be specific, and they've worked as a directing tag-team for decades, but they've broken up in a way and expect to be working solo on movies, at least for a time. Sure, we get it, familiarity breeds contempt (probably) and they had a LONG run together, but the word is that Oasis is getting back together after years of fighting and name-calling and NOT being in a band together, so if the Gallagher brothers can reconcile and perform together, hey, all things are possible with time.  Spend some time apart, Coen brothers, make whatever movies you each want to make, and then when you realize you work better together than apart, I'll be waiting for something new on the level of "Fargo" or "The Big Lebowski" or "Raising Arizona", which is my way of saying that tonight's movie just kind of pales by comparison.

(Look, I'm not saying that EVERYTHING that the Coen brothers did together was narrative gold, I've seen them all so I think I'm in a position to judge, and there were a few stinkers like "The Hudsucker Proxy" and "Intolerable Cruelty" and "Hail, Caesar!", but when they were great, these guys were really really great.)

This is the first film in a proposed lesbian-themed trilogy, co-written by Ethan Coen and his wife, Tricia Cooke, who identifies as lesbian herself, and they share two children together, and (this is coming from Wiki, not me) they have something of an open marriage.  It's not for me to judge, but I'm interested in learning more about how that all works - it's really none of my business, but it sounds WAY more interesting than the events seen in "Drive-Away Dolls".  My first wife came out of the closet, and I just didn't see a path like this available to me, so by default that meant the end of the marriage, since I couldn't think outside the rigid rules of monogamy, I guess. To me it sounds like a recipe for relationship disaster, but maybe they cracked some code and deal with everything openly and honestly and I guess since they don't expect each other to be faithful then it's impossible to be unfaithful, they just kind of re-defined the rules, but hey, other famous people do that to, look at rock stars who aren't faithful to their spouses when they're touring, you know it happens.  Then again, a similar arrangement didn't work out so well for Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer...

But let me deal with the events of the film and figure out the new relationship paradigms later.  Two lesbians, Jamie and Marian, who are not romantic partners (not at first, anyway, but give it a minute) head from Philadelphia down to Florida in a drive-away, which is a car that somebody needs to be somewhere else, and instead of paying for the rental, you get paid for driving it there.  Due to some confusion at the rental place, they're given a car that someone else had already booked by phone to go to Tallahassee, and he said he was sending his people over.  The guy at the counter, Curlie, just assumed these women were those people, because they mentioned Tallahassee.  Could happen, right?  

So what they don't know is that there's something in the trunk, actually a couple somethings, and I guess that's the chance you take when you don't rent from the big corporate car companies, although, hey, who wouldn't want to GET PAID for the drive instead?  Like, is this a real service that companies offer?  Or did this type of business go the way of the dinosaur?  This film is set back in 1999, and it feels maybe a little like some of the lesbian road trips films made back then, like "Go Fish" or "The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love", but then again, it's also no "Thelma & Louise".  Maybe this topic would have been ground-breaking back then, but it feels very less so now.  Just me?  Maybe there's a bit of "The Transporter" mixed in, with bad people using other people to deliver things for them by car, but the similarity might just be more evident for me because I watched that film last week. 

It feels here like somebody was ALMOST on to something, if that makes sense. Like there was the start of a great idea but something got lost in translation. Like some key element that would have tied everything together is missing, only I can't really say what that might have been.  When I see a mysterious briefcase and someone's being really cagey about what's inside, naturally I think of "Pulp Fiction", and in that film they NEVER revealed what was in the briefcase, we only saw the golden glow of something that we presume was valuable, but it's a clever narrative that never gives anything away, because nothing tangible could live up to what the audience might IMAGINE is in the case.  It's really enough to know that it's there and it's of value to someone.  

So this movie tips its hand, for some reason, and we do learn what's in the TWO cases inside the trunk, because apparently there was no other way here to move the story forward. But I'm sorry, the answer's so basic, and so stereotypical considering that we're dealing with lesbian issues here. I'm not going to give it away, but come on - OK, I understand that the co-writer's a lesbian, but I didn't need to get hit in the head with that every five minutes.  Sure, this movie passes the Bechdel test, because it features two women having conversations about something other than men, but instead all that is replaced by them talking about being lesbians in every conversation, and really, is that all that lesbians do?  They've got nothing to them but their sexual identity, I mean I guess one reads Henry James novels, but is that enough?  They should contain multitudes, have other interests and hopes and dreams, but no, apparently it's just gay stuff 24/7 - so as a result they're not really well-rounded characters, just stereotypes.  

Anyway, Jamie and Marian SHOULD be heading straight down to Tallahassee, but Jamie wants to visit every cheezy roadside attraction and also every lesbian bar along the way.  Plus there's that "basement party" that a girl's soccer team is having which they somehow find. A basement party is a lot like a slumber party, except there's no slumbering, just making out. And it's random, like speed dating, which means that at one point Jamie and Marian are scheduled to make out with each other, which is awkward - umm, until it isn't.  These two lesbians were a bit like "The Odd Couple", one's more reserved and one's more of a free-spirit, and this is how they maybe start to figure out that they might be able to meet somewhere in the middle.  And if I figure it right, all this making out should have turned this one-day car trip into like a three-day affair.  

Eventually, the criminals looking for the girls and the car figure out that they've taken the scenic route through America's most kissable high-school soccer teams, and they catch up with Jamie and Marian by bursting into their hotel room at, well, let's just say the most awkward and inopportune time. The girls are tied up and brought to meet the criminal boss, "Chief" in the back-room of a dog-racing track for some reason.  Here's where it seems the writers painted themselves into a narrative corner, because how they get out of this situation makes very little sense.  But they do, and they still have the contents of the briefcase and they can still use it to blackmail someone in power, so even though Jamie's ex-girlfriend, a police officer, is also on her way to drop of the dog she doesn't want any more, our lesbian heroines can still prevail in this situation, but again it's in the most unlikely way. 

I"m sorry I couldn't get to this one in June, Pride month, but hey, at least I got to it within 12 months of original release, hell, it only took me seven months since it was in theaters, and for me that's really good.  

Also starring Margaret Qualley (last seen in "Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood"), Geraldine Viswanathan (last seen in "Bad Education"), Beanie Feldstein (last seen in "How to Build a Girl"), C.J. Wilson (last seen in "Irresistible"), Colman Domingo (last seen in "Rustin"), Pedro Pascal (last seen in "The Bubble"), Bill Camp (last seen in "White Noise"), Matt Damon (last seen in "Marvin Hamlisch: What He Did for Love"), Connie Jackson, Annie Gonzalez, Gordon MacDonald (last seen in "Perfect Stranger"), Sam Vartholomeos, John Menchion, Michael Counihan, Abby Hilden, Haley Holmes, Fatima Fine, Sam Mazzei, Jordan Zatawski, Samsara Leela Yett (last seen in "Don't Look Up"), Savanna Ziegler, Michael Worden (last seen in "Zola"), Braxton McCollum, Daniel Kirkman, Layne Lazor, Phil McFall, Angelo Maldonado Jr., Cristina Contreras, Michael Edelstein (last seen in "Birds of Prey"), Micaela Minner, Angela Boehm, Josh Flitter (last seen in 'The Greatest Game Ever Played"), with a cameo from Miley Cyrus (last seen in "The Last Song").

RATING: 5 out of 10 trampoline bounces

Plane

Year 16, Day 248 - 9/4/24 - Movie #4,833

BEFORE: I just got a new DVD recorder - the last one has been driving me crazy for weeks, it keeps telling me that the machine "cannot record on this disc", and I suspect that just maybe some dust or hair got into the DVD tray, but after cleaning it out with one of those air sprayers, I still can't get it to work.  I'm kind of used to this, over the course of the last 20 years I've probably owned five or six of these, all Toshiba VHS to DVD recorders - but they're difficult to get repaired and impossible to still find in stores. I don't think Best Buy has sold them in years, most people just stream their movies now and they don't want to make their own DVDs.  Me, I always feel like when I want to watch a movie again, with my luck it won't be available anywhere on cable or streaming, so I like to put what I can on DVD as a back-up.  Some premium cable channels won't allow their material to be dubbed, they run some kind of signal that prevents copying - BUT through trial and error, I know which channels will allow it.

The next problem is that finding a Toshiba DVD recorder brand-new is almost impossible - the few that are left unopened in the world go for about $500 to $600 on Amazon, and again, I can't just walk over to Best Buy from my office any more.  So instead I go on eBay and look for the same exact model I already have, and I can get a used one for about $100 plus shipping - now there's no guarantee it will work, and I've been burned before, but I look for a listing that says "in working condition" or "works great, just tested" instead of "for parts only" or "non-working", because this way if it does not work, I have basis to try and get my money back. I found one this time that says "works great" but also "missing remote", but that doesn't matter, because I have two remotes left from previous DVD recorders of the same model.  So, my DVD factory is back in business, and I've got a bunch of movies backed up to record on it. Even if this particular machine only lasts two years before it also breaks down, I only paid $130 and I can afford four at that price and still save money over one that's somehow still new in the box 10 years after the company stopped making them.

Tony Goldwyn carries over from "The Mechanic".  

THE PLOT: A pilot finds himself caught in a war zone after he's forced to land a commercial aircraft during a terrible storm.  

AFTER: Jeez, it's kind of weird now to watch a movie that does NOT have Jason Statham in it.  After watching 8 of his films in 7 days it kind of feels like he should be in EVERY movie. Just me? Probably just me.  Instead we've got Gerard Butler headlining this one, and he's giving off older Dad vibes now, probably because he's playing an older Dad who's a widower and a pilot for Trailblazer Airlines. (Their slogan: "You've flown the best, now try the rest." No?  How about "Come blaze a new trail in the sky with us."  Nah, that sounds like the plane's going to catch fire.)

But actually the plane is forced out of the sky by a terrible storm, which the pilot was ASSURED was going to move out of his flight path before they got there, I guess nobody was able to update him in time, that the storm just kind of sat there somewhere between Singapore and Tokyo, just ready to prevent him being able to visit his daughter in time for New Year's Eve.  He's already on the other side of the International Date Line, where it's tomorrow, but as we all know, if you fly back across that imaginary line from west to east, you go back to yesterday.  Yes, and if you fly fast enough around the world, always going to the east, you just keep going back and back in time, as long as you cross each time zone in under an hour.  Unfortunately you don't get any younger while doing this, but you do keep going back in time as long as you move to the east.  Most pilots don't notice this because they eventually fly back the other way on the same route and therefore they end up losing the time they gained, so to speak.  

But for reals, Captain Torrance is trying to get back to his daughter before midnight so they can ring in the New Year together.  It hasn't happened for her yet, but it has for him, and he wants to experience it again or something.  But fate has other ideas, because that storm knocks out the plane's power and he's forced to land on a tiny island with only one big building on it.  This film is like a kind of fever dream, though, like "Beau Is Afraid" or "The Meg", because the situation keeps getting worse.  The building they saw is run by a bunch of mercenaries or rebels or pirates (they're pretty flexible, kind of all-purpose bad guys), so, umm, take your pick I guess. 

Capt. Torrance knows that the surviving passengers and crew only have so much food and water, the plane won't fly out and they need way to contact the U.S. and get help, so he leaves to find a phone, along with Louis, the prison inmate that his plane was transporting (what could POSSIBLY go wrong here?) but it kind of makes some sense, the Captain wants to keep the convict away from the other passengers, I think.  Plus he might be good in a fight if they encounter trouble from the mercs. 

Meanwhile the crisis team at Trailblazer Airlines is trying to get the U.S. government to rescue the passengers from the island, but it's impossible because the authorities won't send troops to this rebel-controlled island for fear of creating an international incident.  Also meanwhile, the rebels take most of the plane passengers hostage, with the intent of holding them for ransom.  

Capt. Torrance and Louis manage to find the hostages, free them and load them on a bus, but really, the only place to go is back to the damaged plane.  Torrance surrenders himself to the rebels so the others can get away, and they're about to execute him when the private rescue team arrives, with guns and ammo and a sack of money, just in case.  So now everyone heads back to the plane, which Torrance thinks will fly them out of there, but there are still no instruments working on the panel, he's got to do the whole thing manually,  But luckily there's another island just 50 miles away, so the plane doesn't have to stay in the air that long, really just a few minutes.  As long as the rebels don't blow them up during lift-off on this road-based runway, they just might make it. 

That's it, pretty simple story, things keep getting worse until they can get better.  Just 107 minutes so a really quick one tonight, we get in, we get out and nobody gets hurt except for some of the really bad people.  This film did better than expected in theaters in January 2023, and was On Demand just a few weeks later - I guess it found its niche or there was a month where there were no other action movies released, so it had something of an open field. So they're planning a sequel, called "Ship" and no, I'm not kidding this time. Some movie executive's teenage kid is probably tasked with coming up with the story outline.

Also starring Gerard Butler (last seen in "Gamer"), Mike Colter (last seen in "Fatale"), Yoson An (last seen in "The Meg"), Evan Dane Taylor, Paul Ben-Victor (last seen in "Gun Shy"), Daniella Pineda (last seen in "Jurassic World Dominion"), Lilly Krug, Kelly Gale, Otis Winston (last seen in "Venom: Let There Be Carnage"), Angel Fabian Rivera, Fernando Chang, Modesto Lacen (last seen in "Blue Beetle"), Joey Slotnick (last seen in "The Goldfinch"), Rose Eshay (last seen in "Creed III"), Ricky Robles Cruz, Jessica Nam, Quinn McPherson (last seen in "Muppets Haunted Mansion"), Oliver Trevena (last seen in "Playing It Cool"), Tara Westwood, Michelle Lee (last seen in "Bullet Train"), Amber Rivera (last seen in "Driven"), John H. Shim, Claro de los Reyes, Remi Adeleke (last seen in "6 Underground"), Matt Cook, Pete Scobell, James Sang Lee, Heather Seiffert (last seen in "Shaft" (2019)), Halleigh Hekking, Jeremy Denzlinger (last seen in "Birds of Prey"), Jeff Francisco, Ariel Felix (last seen in "Laurel Canyon"), Nick Brandon (last seen in "Iron Man 3"), Michelle Cortes, Jeffrey Holsman, Enele Ma'afu Tauteoli, Jimmy Fung, Kate Bisset, Kate Rachesky.  

RATING: 4 out of 10 destinations on the airport departure board

The Mechanic

Year 16, Day 247 - 9/3/24 - Movie #4,832

BEFORE: Wrapping up Jason Statham week, which also turned out to be my Labor Day tribute to working class people everywhere.  Yes, this went one day (and two movies) longer than planned, but how was I going to pass up on adding "The Transporter"?  Anyway, it's Tuesday and I don't have to work, so this means my holiday weekend is one day longer than planned, too - so it all worked out. 

Before I move on, let's hear it one more time for the people who work - the athletes, even the underground ones (13), the people in the armed forces, even the mercs ("Expend4bles"), the marine biologists and the deep-sea divers ("The Meg"), and the beekeepers and other agricultural workers ("The Beekeeper").  Let's not forget the people who deliver stuff ("The Transporter") and of course the mechanics and repair professionals ("The Mechanic").  While we're at it, let's give a shout-out to the police, fire and medical personnel, they've been prominent here while Jason Statham's characters have been causing mayhem.  Yep, even the bomb squad.  And the sanitation people who clean up all his messes, in one way or another.  

That should just about cover it - new actor link tomorrow, but possibly the same old same old. 

THE PLOT: An elite hitman teaches his trade to an apprentice who has a connection to one of his previous victims.  

AFTER: Jason Statham is a hit-man again, check. And he uses all sorts of things as weapons, including guns, for once - how unusual! Check. And he's got to work his way up the villain chain to find out who's in charge of doing all the bad stuff.  Why he just doesn't start at the top, I don't know. But again, check. Ooh, ooh, this time's he's got a protegé, someone to teach the craft to, that's kind of a new wrinkle, for him anyway.  Yeah, this one's not too shabby, I'm glad I'm ending Statham Week with this one, it feels a bit more complex than "The Transporter", although that early Statham film from 2002, I can see why it's a classic.  

It kind of makes sense (?) to show a hit-man who's so good at his job, that he can get in without being sit, pull off the hit in a way that makes it look like an accident or natural causes, and then get out again without being seen - so in the end, it's like he wasn't even there, and as a result, nobody's looking for him, because why would they be?  This all supposedly comes from years of experience, and in turn that comes from making past mistakes - so over time, he learned to be ready for anything, and that has to happen in advance, which again makes sense (?) because you can't prepare for something after the fact.  It all looks good on paper, I'm just not convinced that this is the way that hit-men work - but then, what the heck do I know about it? 

So by way of introduction, we see Arthur Bishop get inside the mansion of a Colombian drug-lord, by dressing like the kitchen staff - who even notices them? - and then he waits at the bottom of the guy's pool, so when he takes his daily swim, Bishop makes sure that it's his last one.  Then when the guards come by on patrol, he moves the dead body's arms to simulate swimming, so they don't even know the guy is dead at first. Then Bishop is out of the pool, and he's gone before anyone realizes the drug-lord is dead, like he wasn't even there. 

Complications arise when Bishop is given his next target, and it's Harry McKenna, his mentor and handler.  Just to be sure, he has a face-to-face meeting with the head of whatever agency or corporation they all work for, and the top guy confirms the hit. McKenna was in charge of an op that went bad in South Africa, where five assassins died, and figures that McKenna must have been the leak.  So Bishop does the hit, also face-to-face, but makes it look like a car-jacking.

More complications arise when Bishop meets McKenna's son, Steve, after the funeral and realizes that in response to his father's killing, Steve starts patrolling at night to find carjackers to kill, hoping in vain to avenge his father's death.  Bishop reluctantly takes Steve under his wing to train him properly in the method's of a professional hitman, so Steve's anger and thirst for vengeance will at least have an outlet.  But since he himself was Harry's killer, this could be a recipe for disaster, should Steve ever find out the truth.  

Steve barely survives his first hit, because he doesn't follow Bishop's instructions to the letter, he wants to skip a few steps in the training, and finds out the hard way that he's not ready to go solo, but perhaps with time.  Together they take out a religious cult leader who likes really young girls, but the hit also goes wrong and they have to shoot their way out and jump out of a skyscraper the hard way to get clear.  Meanwhile, Bishop's kind of in trouble with his agency for taking someone under his wing without permission.  They have to split up to make it back to home base, since the police are looking for two men working together, and that's when Bishop bumps into someone from that botched South African job who's supposed to be dead, and this calls everything into question.  

So the two men have to work their way up the chain of their own agency to find out who lied to them, what really happened in South Africa, and whether Harry McKenna deserved to die or if he was ever corrupt and responsible in the first place.  Only then can these two men decide if they want to keep working together, or if they should split up when they disappear, or third option, maybe one needs to kill the other to stay safe, you just never know in that business, apparently.  Hey, at least this one's good and twisty and it proves you can never trust your workmates or your bosses.  

This one's good and twisty and it makes you root for a guy who does very bad things, which I'm guessing from all the movies this week is kind of Jason Statham's thing - but yeah, I think this one might be just a cut above.  Again, as with "The Transporter", there's a sequel but if I watch it here, it's not going to connect to the rest of what I have planned for September, so I'm going to have to table both franchises for now, and maybe try to come back to them at another time.  Onward and upward, four weeks until horror movie season.

Also starring Ben Foster (last seen in "Kill Your Darlings"), Tony Goldwyn (last seen in "Oppenheimer"), Donald Sutherland (last seen in "Remembering Gene Wilder"), Jeff Chase (also carrying over from "Transporter 2"), Mini Anden (last seen in "My Best Friend's Girl"), James Logan (last seen in "Ride Along"), Eddie J. Fernandez (last seen in "Haywire"), Joshua Bridgewater, John McConnell (last seen in "Colombiana"), Christa Campbell (last seen in "Cleaner'), Mark Nutter, Lara Grice (last seen in "Welcome to the Rileys"), Lance E. Nichols (last seen in "The Last Song"), JD Evermore (last seen in "Beautiful Creatures"), Ada Michelle Loridans (ditto), Linnzi Zaorski, Bill Scharpf, John Teague, David Leitch (last seen in "Bullet Train"), David Dahlgren (last seen in "I Love You Phillip Morris"), Stuart Greer (last seen in "I Know What You Did Last Summer"), Katarzyna Wolejnio (last seen in "Conan the Barbarian" (2011)), Simon West.

RATING: 7 out of 10 vinyl records (but he only ever really plays one)

Transporter 2

Year 16, Day 246 - 9/2/24 - Movie #4,831 - LABOR DAY Double Feature Pt. 2

BEFORE: Jason Statham, yep, carries over again, I can't get rid of this guy, but just one more film with him on my list after this one.  Let's find out what he's transporting tonight, hopefully it's something new and exciting.  Second film in today's double feature, because I've got extra time today, it being a holiday and all.

Yesterday we drove out to Long Island, just to do a little mall shopping and have lunch at Texas Roadhouse. Thankfully the traffic was not too bad, if a lot of people were driving out to the beaches at least they went out there early, or perhaps they left on Friday night or Saturday, and of course we drove back before there was an end-of weekend traffic nightmare coming back to the city. 

THE PLOT: Transporter Frank Martin surfaces in Miami, Florida and is implicated in the kidnapping of the young son of a powerful USA official.  

AFTER: Well, it's the rare sequel to a popular film that out-did the original, because they really upped the ante here.  They hired name actors for supporting roles!  I've heard of people like Jason Fleming, and I've met Matthew Modine IRL, several times in fact. Good to see him getting work, umm, like 20 years ago.  Also, the formula is back, Frank has to face off against the female hit-woman protege and also the mid-level criminal before he can face the level boss.  See, THAT is how you do it. 

Also more of those one-guy-against-many fights and more of that using anything that's handy EXCEPT a gun to take down the bad guys.  Lots of prop-fu here, which I'm assuming is another of this franchise's common tropes.  Sure, anyone can use a gun, but how many people can use a door, a fire extinguisher and a hospital cart in a fight, basically all the stuff that's just lying around. I'd make a MacGyer reference, but really he was all about building stuff out of random objects, not fighting with them.  

Frank's moved on to a new city, Miami, and that means new challenges and new rules. Since the only thing he's "transporting" here is a rich kid coming back from school every day and also going to the pediatrician and such, the rules now are more like "Respect a man's car" and "Always wear your seatbelt."  Ho hum, boring, somebody's going to domesticate you one of these days, Frank, and then the rules are going to be:: 1. Friday night is date night  2. No cheating on your partner and 3. Never open your Valentine's Day gift before she opens hers.

Frank seems like he might be interested in hooking up with the kid's mother, but her husband is back in the picture after a year of separation, and sure, there's tension between them but they're trying to make things work.  More often than not Frank's driving the kid somewhere so he won't see Mommy and Daddy fight.  But when the pediatrician's office is taken over by kidnappers, that doctor's visit is anything but routine, and Frank ends up in a gunfight with the fake doctors and the fake nurse (who for some reason needs to strip down to her undies before she can fire her guns, which sure, it's appreciated but it really doesn't make much sense.

Frank gets the kid home safely, but then gets a call that there's a sniper rifle pointed at the kid, and if he doesn't want the kid to get shot he'll deliver him to the kidnappers - so it sure looks like Frank's in on the job, especially when the parents get a call demanding $5 million in ransom.  This time Frank manages to get the bomb off his car in the most unlikely way, before it blows him up, and then he's got to start proving his own innocence while trying to take the kidnappers down.  Thus he starts working his way up the chain, as one does. Along the way he learns about the real plan, to inject the kid with a deadly and contagious virus, one that he'll pass along to his father, who's about to speak to a conference of anti-drug officers from around the world, because somebody wants them all dead, most likely the drug cartels.  

Great, so now Frank has to track down the only two vials of the antidote and kick-box his way back to the sick kid, who's already passed along the virus to his father, who (NITPICK POINT here) is suddenly feeling really sick, but yet still thinks he should address a conference full of important people.  Dude, there's a reason we tell people to stay home when they're sick, can't you make the speech via teleconference or something?  I know it's 2005 and Zoom hasn't been invented yet, but still....

Meanwhile Jack takes off after the main villain (well, he didn't just work his way up the chain for nothing, after all) and somehow blows up the Lamborghini he's driving, which propels him on to the plane's landing gear or something (NITPICK POINT #2) and while he can't kill the villain because his blood is full of the antidote, he's perfectly fine with killing the pilot and crashing the plane. Umm, OK, wait, what? (N.P. 3). The plane sinks but Jason Statham once again puts that deep-sea diving ability to use and swims back up to the surface with the level boss. 

Well, that's all the transporting that I have time for, I know there's a "Transporter 3" but I just don't have the time or space to get to it - I'm sure they came up with all sorts of great new things for him to transport but I've got to be moving on.  Maybe I can circle back some time in the future. 

Also starring Alessandro Gassman, Amber Valletta (last seen in "Gamer"), Kate Nauta, Matthew Modine (last seen in "Oppenheimer"), Jason Flemyng (last seen in "The 355"), Keith David (last seen in "American Fiction"), Hunter Clary, Shannon Briggs (last seen in "The Wackness"), Francois Berléand (also carrying over from "The Transporter"), Raymond Tong, George Kapetan, Jeff Chase (last seen in "Pain & Gain"), Gregg Weiner (ditto), Gregg Davis, Marty Wright (last seen in "Any Given Sunday"), AnnaLynne McCord, Reggie Pierre, Elie Thompson, Adam Faldetta, Michael House, Tim Ware (last seen in "The Best of Enemies"), Damaris Justamante (last seen in "Bad Boys II"), Andy Horne, Doug MacKinnon, Marc Macaulay (last seen in "Great Expectations"), Bill Wilson, Robert Small (last seen in "The Mean Season"), Jim R. Coleman (last seen in "The Florida Project"), Paul Tei, Ernest Harden Jr. (last seen in "J. Edgar"), Shelah Marie, Max Osterweis.

RATING: 6 out of 10 shots of the Audi logo (BMWs were so 2002)

The Transporter

Year 16, Day 246 - 9/2/24 - Movie #4,830 - LABOR DAY Double Feature Pt. 1

BEFORE: This was not part of the plan, somehow the now-classic action movie "The Transporter" has fallen below my radar, year after year. And yes, I'm aware that there are only so many days left in the year, only 70 movies can be watched in 2024 after tonight, as per my own rules.  But I'm HERE working on a Jason Statham thing, and this movie is airing on Starz - I don't even have to wait for it to air, it's on demand, I just need to push a button, so yeah, I'm going to have to work this in, AND its sequel, because who the heck knows when I'd be able to link to this one again?  It stars Jason Statham and a bunch of people I'm not familiar with, even if I may have seen them in a few movies before.  It's really a solo film, then, for all intents and linking purposes.  This may totally screw me up in December, but I have to do it.  And if I make it a double-feature today, then I'll only be one day behind in the September plan. I'll drop something down the line if I have to, but OK, one less skip day in September, I can handle that. 

THE PLOT: Frank Martin, who "transports" packages for unknown clients, is asked to move a package that turns out to be alive, and complications arise. 

AFTER: Now this guy, I can get behind. Frank Martin, the Transporter, does his job according to three simple rules: 1. Never change the deal, 2. No names, and 3. Never open the package.  I watch movies according to three simple rules: 1. Never break the chain, 2. No recommendations from others, and 3. Never read the Wiki plot summary before-hand.  See, it's like we're TWINS or something, we're both professionals and great at what we do, only, umm, what he does isn't very nice.  The only other difference between us is that I'm no good in a fight. (Trust me, or rather, don't trust me to fight on your behalf.)

So I did a little research into martial arts styles used in movies, and there are a lot of opinions out there, but according to the internet (unreliable, I know) a lot of today's action movies use something of a blend of karate, Muay Thai, judo, tae kwon do, krav maga and others - maybe that's why they call it "mixed" martial arts, because it's a mix of all these things?  Sorry if I'm really stupid and just playing catch-up here.  But then what do you call it when an action hero uses everything that's in the room as a weapon?  Besides unrealistic, I mean - what term is best used for fighting with poles, bicycles, fire extinguishers, and grabbing whatever else is handy, only not guns?  I have no idea, I can't even really do an internet search on that. 

Statham apparently studied kung fu, karate and jiu-jitsu, but way back in 2002 when this film came out, I'm going to say that a big influence was kickboxing, and Jean-Claude Van Damme was the big proponent of that back then. There are moves in "The Transporter" where Statham jumps up and does the big leg split, or the double-kick to take out two guys at once, and it's kind of like saying, "I know JCVD is getting old now, and here I am, ready to be his successor."  Or am I way off base here?  And then I think you maybe have to give credit to Jackie Chan for this whole obsession with improvised weapons, also there is a fighting style called Eskrima (or Kali or Arnis) from the Philippines where sticks, knives and other objects all come into play.  But I suspect a lot of this fighting style is movie-centric, I'm going to call it "Prop Fu" until I find out there's a better term.

Anyway, back to the plot.  We learn about Frank's three rules at the start when he's acting as a getaway driver for a group of bank robbers, only he made the deal for three passengers, and suddenly there are four guys with masks in his car, and that's changing the deal, which is against the rules. Frank had some really fancy driving and some cool stunts planned, and now that there's extra weight in the car, he claims he won't be able to get away from the cops, so he does the most unlikely thing a getaway driver could do, he refuses to drive.  The cops are on the way, and the leader of the robbers needs to make a quick decision, he can't kill Frank because the car won't start unless he types in a code (smart!) so he instead kills one of his own gang members so they can make weight.  Geez, they could have just pushed the guy out of the car and let him run away, but no, they can't take the chance.  

OK, that's one dead bank robber, but good news, the deal is still on.  One crazy car chase through the streets of Nice, France then ensues, and Frank's got that cool thing on his car where the license plate rotates and they could have theoretically just disappeared, except the police are now on their trail because SOMEBODY wouldn't start the car.  I have to call a NITPICK POINT here, because changing the license plate would be a cool trick for disappearing quickly EXCEPT how many black BMW's also have a big blood-stain on the rear windshield AND contain three guys wearing black knit face-masks?  Just saying.  BUT there are some really cool stunts here, like jumping the car off a pedestrian overpass and landing it RIGHT in the empty space on a car-carrier.  Way cool, and you'd think that would be it, just relax and ride away on the car carrier, but no, the cops figure out where they are, but Frank can then release cars from the carrier to screw up the police cars.  The film ends up destroying almost as many police cars as "The Blues Brothers", but I think that film still holds the record in the end. 

When Frank manages to avoid the police and the bank robbers reach their destination, where they switch cars and drivers, the lead robber is impressed with Frank, and wants to hire him to drive them all the way to Avignon, but no, that's a violation of Rule 1, that would be changing the deal, so he turns the job down.  Later Frank sees on the TV news that the gang was captured because their new driver took a wrong turn.  So Frank gets to keep his money, avoided getting arrested, and he's in the clear, because he stuck to his own rules.  This is what the criminal transporting business really needed, somebody with OCD or at least the ability to follow directions and rules. 

Unfortunately, Frank gets a flat tire, and is forced to stop and open the trunk, which is when he sees that the package is moving. It seems somebody forgot to create Rule 4: No human trafficking. Oh, well, you live and you learn, I guess.  But once he knows there's a woman in the bag (really should have been more obvious, given the size and the shape, I mean, COME ON, did he think it was a woman-shaped bag of money?  Or did he rationalize it by saying it was probably a mannequin or a sex doll?) then he feels obliged to give her a drink, but then she's got to use the outdoor ladies room, and women on car trips, am I right?  Next thing you know she'll want to control the radio and then complain about how Frank's going the wrong way. 

The young woman escapes, and then Frank's got to get her back. Some policemen see him make the re-capture, so now they've got to be subdued and put in the trunk, too - and it's getting awful crowded back there.  But Frank successfully makes the drop-off, and he learns who he's been working for, and they ask him to do another job, just take this small metal briefcase over to Lyon, just don't mind the ticking, it's a, umm, it's a clock, yeah, right.  Never open the package, that's your own rule, right?  Just checking. Please deliver this "clock" and really, take your time, no rush and umm, well, don't leave the car, OK?  What could possibly go wrong here? 

This sort of turns into a game of "You wreck my stuff, I'll wreck yours", which is perfectly understandable when you're dealing with alpha males like this.  You blow up my car, I blow up your car.  You try to screw me, I'll take your hostage back. (NITPICK POINT #2 though - how does Frank steal that car without noticing there's a woman in the back-seat who's tied to an office chair?  How does he even get IN that car without seeing that?). You blow up my house and... OK, not cool man, I just re-decorated the living room and everything.  That was a nice house.  Well the gloves are off now.  Once Frank figures out he's dealing with human traffickers, and there are more immigrants being shipped in from China to be, well, slaves, there's no reason to hold back.  This leads to a scene at the docks where there are probably tens of thousands of shipping containers, but Frank tries to find the ONE with the people inside by using a stethoscope.  Sure, good luck with that.  

Even more improbably, this leads to a prop-fu fight in a bus depot where everyone and everything gets drenched in motor oil and it somehow DOESN'T end with everyone catching on fire.  No, instead Frank turns the motor oil to his advantage, all the bad guys are slipping and sliding around, they can't even stand up and they can't grab HIM because he's all oil-slicked up.  But he sticks two toothed bicycle pedals on his feet like they're crampons and sure, he's OK and the only guy in the group who can fight, so that's how he's able to take down like 20 guys with a variety of weapons.  Ok, sure, whatever, as long as you can sleep at night. 

Then there's the final truck chase, which borrows quite liberally from that truck chase in "Raiders of the Lost Ark", although Indy never jumped out of a plane to parachute on to the truck, so that's new.  But then Statham hangs off the side of the truck like Indy and even goes UNDER the moving truck like Indy did - so there you go, Jason Statham started out as kind of a combination of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Harrison Ford, at least before he developed his own unique style.  The highway gets jammed with broken villains on a last-chance power drive, and finally it's down to just Frank and Mr. Kwai, and well, we all know who's coming out on top, his name is above the title after all.  And the Chinese people are rescued from the shipping container, and somehow they're not all carsick from that truck bumping around all over the place. (Sorry, that's got to be N.P. #3)

The only thing really missing here was the anti-hero working his way up the chain to figure out who the top guy was in the criminal organization - maybe this film was released before that was a common theme?  Anyway, yesterday's film was all about that, but here they just cut to the chase (literally) and then put the hero up against the top dog pretty early on.

Also starring Shu Qi (last seen in "New York, I Love You"), Francois Berléand, Matt Schulze (last seen in "Boys and Girls"), Ric Young (last seen in "Seven Years in Tibet"), Doug Rand (last seen in "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets"), Didier Saint Melin, Vincent Nemeth, Tonio Descanvelle (last seen in "The Family"), Laurent Desponds (last seen in "Taken 3"), Matthieu Albertini, Frédéric Vallet, Sandrine Rigaux.  

RATING: 6 out of 10 mugshots in the police database

The Beekeeper

Year 16, Day 245 - 9/1/24 - Movie #4,829

BEFORE: Jason Statham carries over again from "Meg 2: The Trench" and before this Labor Day week is over, I'll have seen him working at a variety of professions, which I guess makes him the "working man's" action hero.  He was an underground fight club promoter in "13", a mercenary in "Expend4bles", then a deep-sea diving expert in "The Meg", and tonight he's a beekeeper.  Yet somehow he's always sort of playing the same guy, right?  What other professions will he be this week?  HINT: There are at least two more coming, I can't resist dropping in the film he may be MOST famous for, even though watching that film (and its sequel) is really going to take two more slots away from November or December.  Sorry, I can't pass up this linking opporunity, because who knows if I'll be able to circle back his way again or not?  I probably can, but it could be two years, I can't take the chance. 

Now here are the planned actor links for September, after Statham: Tony Goldwyn, Joey Slotnick, Colman Domingo, Echo Kellum, Rachel McAdams, Anton Lesser, Jay Courtney, Shailene Woodley, Naomi Watts, Denis O'Hare, Anna Kendrick, Kunal Nayyar, Adam Sandler, Cecily Strong, Gary Cole, John Cena, Awkwafina, Keegan-Michael Key, Charlie Day, and Steve Coulter.  This should hold up and get me to October 1, unless I made a mistake or I change my mind. Either is possible.  I now estimate that I'll have 17 or 18 slots available for November and December, I'm just going to have to make it work, and find another way to kill time in the later part of the year. 

THE PLOT: A kind-hearted landlady commits suicide after falling victim to a phishing scam, leading former "Beekeeper" operative Adam Clay to set out on a brutal campaign for revenge upon those responsible. 

AFTER: This film from just last year kind of proves that nearly every "vigilante" action film from the last few years basically follows the same formula - where the hero starts small and works his way up the criminal chain to the top level, which I suspect just isn't how law enforcement really works in the real world, and also, if you want to be a vigilante, you have to learn that style of fighting (or MMA, whatever) where one guy can take on ten guys at a time, grabbing the gun hand of one and using it to shoot three other guys while also doing a knock-out kick on a fourth guy and then tossing the guy who was holding the gun into a wall or flipping him over his back or something.  Look, I don't know if it's MMA or Krav Maga or just Hollywood stunt-movie technique, but it always LOOKS really cool, and again, I don't think anybody really fights like this in the real world.  I know if I had to go up against ten guys in a fight, I've really lost that fight before it even begins - so it's better for me to just live my life in a way that ensures that situation never ever comes to pass. 

But we all wish we could do this in the real world, right?  Somebody calls our mother or father or grandfather and pretends to be from the company that wants to update their computer software or retrieve their lost data or just report that someone might be trying to access their bank account, so all they need to do is allow them to take over their laptop screen for a few minutes to install the software, then sign on to their bank account to check to see if they received the refund for the accidental overcharge, and the next thing you know, that account is cleared out, bye-bye savings and checking AND the retirement fund.  Phishing scams are real, and they happen every day, and there's almost no way to track down where the company is or who's in charge of them, but we know somebody's getting rich off the naiveté of the senior citizens.  We wish we could go down to their offices with a couple cans of gasoline and torch the place, even if that doesn't get our parents back the money they were scammed out of, it would prevent anyone else from losing their accounts.  

It's really wish fulfillment here, because chances are that if this happened to you or your parents, even if you did find out what company was reponsible, they could be located (physically or not) in someplace like Dubai or the Cayman Islands and really, you'd have no recourse except to be smarter in the future about what information you give out on the phone to the very helpful people trying to help you.  Some lessons have to be learned the hard way, maybe.  

Adam Clay is just a guy who keeps bees, a quiet man, mostly keeps to himself, except when there's a nest of hornets in his landlord's barn that's interfering with his hive's honey production.  Side note, whatever happened to those "murder hornets", are they still around?  For that matter, what happened to "killer bees"?  We were told like back in the 1980's that they were coming up from Mexico, I guess they're coming really slowly, or they fell in love with other bees in Texas and settled down or something.  

The hornets and bees thing is just practical beekeeping stuff, except it's also a metaphor for taking down the evil things that are messing with society, and destroying whatever they touch.  And the beekeeper is just a beekeeper, except he's also a "Beekeeper", which is code for a specially-trained agent who is not only an expert in combat techniques and martial-arts but also is single-minded enough to work his way up through the hive structure of a criminal organization and not stop until he reaches the top.  Which in this case, is the Queen Bee herself, no spoilers here, but let's just say that the guy behind the phishing scam is very well connected, and this film is perhaps very relevant just because it is an Election Year.  Maybe I said too much.

The CIA is aware of the Beekeeper program, it may even be one of their own, so once this retired Beekeeper has made himself known by cliimbing up the internet criminal chain, they have to send a second Beekeeper (who is probably not also a real beekeeper) to take out the retired one who's gone rogue.  But that doesn't really work, because she's somehow not as good as him?  I guess maybe that fight could have gone either way, but you know the kids today, the Gen Z kids are total slackers compared to the Gen X'ers.  Which generation would win in a fight?  I think we know, because the Gen Z kids wouldn't be able to stop looking at their phones and posting on Instagram. Gen X is focused, man, at least by comparison.  

This film was a surprise hit in January of this year, after the studios accidentally didn't schedule any other action movies in that month - it grossed more than three times its budget, so don't be surprised if "Beekeeper 2" is in the works. 

Also starring Emmy Raver-Lampman (last seen in "Dog"), Bobby Naderi (last seen in "Bright"), Josh Hutcherson (last seen in "The Disaster Artist"), Jeremy Irons (last seen in "Beautiful Creatures"), David Witts, Michael Epp (last seen in "Overlord"), Taylor James (last seen in "Artemis Fowl"), Phylicia Rashad (last seen in "Being Mary Tyler Moore"), Jemma Redgrave (last seen in "Howards End"), Minnie Driver (last seen in "Beautiful"), Don Gilet, Sophia Feliciano, Enzo Cilenti (last seen in "Heart of Stone"), Megan Le, Dan Li, Georgia Goodman (last seen in "Uncharted"), Derek Siow (last seen in "All the Old Knives"), Jay Rincon (last seen in "Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom"), Kojo Attah, Joe Urquhart, Peter Brooke (last seen in "The Gunman"), Martin Gordon, Rebecca Hazlewood (last seen in "Equals"), Arian Nik, Millen Brown, Reza Djako (last seen in "The Son"), Baba Oyejide, Valentina Novakovic, Kojo Quainco, Jessica Maria Gilhooley, 

RATING: 6 out of 10 jackets clearly marked "Secret Service" in big white letters (umm, then it's not really so secret, is it?)