Love, Guaranteed

Year 17, Day 60 - 3/1/25 - Movie #4,960

BEFORE: Heather Graham carries over from "Desperados", and it's another film today that's been hanging around on the Netflix queue for way too long. Almost five years on Netflix?  Not exactly a great sign, it seems like some kind of movie graveyard at some point, but what the hell, let's get it off the list.  

Now that it's March, here are the links that will get me through the month: Damon Wayans Jr., Joel Courtney, Jacob Elordi, Dagmara Dominczyk, Matthew Modine and Liam Neeson.  Actually that's only going to get me to St. Patrick's Day, but that's as far as I've programmed - I should probably work on that this weekend, pick the next holiday (Easter) and figure out how I'm going to get there. OK, I think Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday are next week, so Easter is when? 4/20? Oh, that should be fun. 

Now here's the line-up for Sunday, 3/2, Day 30 of TCM's "31 Days of Oscar" AND the big day of the Oscar presentation itself:  

Best Picture Winners and Nominees:

6:15 am "The Divorcee" (1930)

8:00 am "Little Women" (1933)

10:00 am "The Letter" (1940)

11:45 am "Citizen Kane" (1941)

2:00 pm "Gone with the Wind" (1939)

6:00 pm "An American in Paris" (1951)

Oscar Worthy Heiresses: 

8:00 pm "My Man Godfrey" (1936)

10:00 pm "It Happened One Night" (1934)

12:00 am "The Heiress" (1949)

2:00 am "The Philadelphia Story" (1940)

4:15 am "Dark Victory" (1949)

I was at 142 seen out of 333, and I've seen another 6 out of Sunday's 11 - "Citizen Kane", "Gone with the Wind", "An American in Paris", "It Happened One Night", "The Philadelphia Story" and "Dark Victory". SO now 148 seen out of 344 takes me to 43%. I'm above last year's percentage if my score stands through tomorrow - just one point higher, but I'll take it. 

THE PLOT: To save her small law firm, lawyer Susan takes a high-paying case from Nick, a charming new client who wants to sue a dating website that guarantees love.  But as the case heats up, so do Susan and Nick's feelings for each other. 

AFTER: As we begin to make our descent out of romance month, please make sure your seats and try tables are in a raised and locked position, and that all loose items are stowed. But we still might be circling the runway for a while, so please be patient, because we're not quite cleared for landing just yet. There are still a few more films that can be cleared off the Netflix queue, and we will try to get out of this topic in time to make our connecting flights back to some action movies.  Like 8 more movies should do it, maybe 9 tops.  The romance list is already in shambles, I've managed to strand a couple films like so much lost luggage, and the pieces haven't come together enough to prove that I can do this again next year - but there's still time, I maybe just need to add a few more films to the mix. I'll keep at it and review the wreckage in November or December. 

Here's a combination romance and trial film, well we already tried mixing a trial film with a Jamie Foxx comedy ("The Burial"), a trial film with a Batman villain movie and a trial film with a depressing German relationship movie ("Anatomy of a Fall") so why not?  Believe it or not, this film was inspired by a lawsuit brought against Coors beer years ago, when someone challenged the claim they made in their advertising that their beer was made with "pure Rocky Mountain spring water".  Yeah, if you've ever tasted Coors, you can confirm that it was probably hard to taste the pure spring water over the skunky beer. Really, it was just a guy with a hose filling up the vats every day, I'll bet.  But in today's film that same concept was applied to a dating site called "Love Guaranteed", who stated in their claims that their clients WILL find love through their site. Guaranteed, that is.  

One guy read the fine print, you know those terms & conditions that everyone skips over, or they claim to have read them just so they can get to the site's contents, only nobody ever does?  Well, one guy DID and in the fine print it says that the guarantee only applies if you date 1,000 people you met on the site, and this guy's been doing breakfast, lunch and dinner dates for three years to get his number up to 1,000 - and it sure LOOKS like he's inflating the numbers just so he can have legal grounds to sue the company.  Is anybody THAT hard up, that they would stick with the process for 1,000 dates when they haven't met the right person yet?  Naturally, you might question whether their heart's really still in it, if they're still focused on the process, or if they're so jaded that now they're out to prove the company wrong.  Jeez, after 700 or 800 dates wouldn't you be inclined to quit the service and then just let the universe, or your friends, pick somebody for you?  

Of course, of course, the internet has screwed everything up - because back in the day you could meet somebody in the newspaper classifieds, or remember video-dating?  Speed dating was a thing for like a few months, but really, it's the web-sites and apps that have changed everything.  There's an app for people looking for serious relationships, another one for casual relationships, probably one just for quick hook-ups when you don't even want to know the other person's name, then there's one for dating farmers, one for attorneys, one for Russian models who need green cards, hey, just pick your pleasure. There's probably one for furries, too, but I'm honestly afraid to check.  

It could be that this guy just doesn't trust the whole system, maybe no woman could possibly measure up to the imaginary set of standards that he has.  Then the question sort of becomes, "Who hurt this guy? Who messed him up so bad that he hasn't recovered and can't date anyone without tearing them down and losing faith in the whole process at the same time?"  Nevertheless, this female lawyer takes his case, and OK, sure, if we apply the same formula that we saw in "The DUFF" and "Desperados" (and "That Awkward Moment" and "Letters to Juliet" and "Hope Springs" and "Murphy's Romance" and "What If?" and probably dozens more in previous years) we should know it's the person who HELPS you through that difficult time that might actually be "the one".  So, really, if you want to skip to the end here, no harm done, because about midway through the film Nick and his lawyer Susan start hanging out and from there, of course, it's just a quick jump to having feelings for each other.  

The twist here is that they HAVE to pump the brakes, because if the dating site company realizes that they're starting to fall in love, then they could file a motion to dismiss the case, claiming that Nick DID find love through his interaction with the dating site, because the process caused him to file a lawsuit, and for that he needed a lawyer, so really, quid pro bono, lorem ipsum, the dating site gets credit for the meet-cure with the nice lady lawyer that he's formed a connection with. Also carpe diem and deus ex machina. 

Susan also learns that Nick is not filing the suit to get rich, he works as a physical therapist and he wants the money to open up a wing just for kids with disabilities, or something.  Damn, he's a nice guy, a professional, charitable, and honest - Susan sure could do a lot worse.  BUT she needs the money, too, as her law practice is behind on its bills and she has no other clients, also her car is falling apart and a Tiffany cassette has been stuck in the tape-deck since the 1980's.  Umm, so, I don't know, maybe turn the music OFF?  Just a thought. 

Look, I know in my heart this film is just one step above one of those Hallmark channel or Lifetime movies where two people just meet cute, work out their issues and get married, and it takes place in Anytown, USA and also it's Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I'm going to be nice and give this one the benefit of the doubt, because at least there weren't three people running around Seattle at 3 am trying to solve a murder and fix a wedding dress after drinking too much Nyquil. OK?

However, I also feel like in a month's time I will completely forget about this film, because it's not very exciting or extraordinary or even sexy in any way. Come on, there's a murder on almost every episode of "Law & Order", that's what draws in the eyeballs. By contrast, a wacky female CEO and Susan's even wackier staff, plus Nick's heartless ex-girlfriend just aren't enough to make this story stand out. Nothing really wrong with it, it's just not interesting in any way. Even when Susan's sister gives birth, it barely moves the needle.  Susan and Nick are left to baby-sit her nephew, but again, nothing really goes wrong enough to make a difference, the kid throws a tantrum for 30 seconds and Nick bribes him with ice cream. Bo-ring.

I'll give out an extra point, though, for agreeing with me that the famous saying isn't "You've got another thing coming," but rather "You've got another THINK coming."  Sure, there was a Judas Priest song that favored the word "THING", but the entire phrase should be "If you think I'm going to let you walk out of here, you've got another THINK coming." I know the internet disagrees with me, but I don't care, I know that I'm right. Usage of "another think coming" predates "another thing coming" which suggests that the second is a bastardization or a misheard phrase based on the correct one. 

Directed by: Mark Steven Johnson (director of "When in Rome")

Also starring Rachael Leigh Cook (last seen in "She's All That"), Damon Wayans Jr. (last seen in "Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar"), Caitlin Howden, Brendan Taylor, Sebastian Billingsley-Rodriguez (last seen in "Peter Pan & Wendy"), Sean Amsing (last seen in "Always Be My Maybe"), Lisa Durupt (last seen in "Shall We Dance?"), Alvin Sanders (last seen in "The Layover"), Jed Rees (last seen in "Fear"), Kandyse McClure (last seen in "Seventh Son"), Natalie von Rotsburg, Dee Jay Jackson (last seen in "She's the Man"), Colin Foo (last seen in "Say It Isn't So"), Quynh Mi, Nick Fontaine, Claire Hesselgrave, Morgana Wyllie, Judith Maxie (last seen in "Catwoman"), Milo Shandel (last seen in "The Adam Project"), Flossie McKnight (last seen in "The Unforgivable"), Kiomo Pyke, Jason Burkart (last seen in "Welcome to Marwen"), Arthur Corber (last seen in "Wrongfully Accused"), Amitai Marmorstein (last seen in "Killing Gunther"), Lauren McGibbon, Sasha Hayden, La Nein Harrison, Claire Filipow (last seen in "Dragged Across Concrete"), Rebecca Olson (last seen in "American Dreamer"), Jerry Yang, Kallie Hu, Christian Sloan (last seen in "Black Christmas"), Stephanie Son

RATING: 6 out of 10 side effects of love, as listed in the credits (they include uneasy stomachs, restless sleep, weight gain, cutting carbs, sudden mood changes and holidays at the in-laws)

Desperados

Year 17, Day 59 - 2/28/25 - Movie #4,959

BEFORE: Anna Camp carries over from "The Lovebirds" and this is the last movie for February, so here are my format stats: 

15 Movies watched on cable (saved to DVD): Alright Now, Safe Haven, Dear John, Letters to Juliet, Spoiler Alert, Kiss Me Goodbye, Ticket to Paradise, Men Women & Children, Angel Eyes, Maudie, A Brilliant Young Mind, Then Came You, The DUFF, What If, You Hurt My Feelings

4 Movies watched on cable (not saved): Hope Springs (2003), Say It Isn't So, How to Deal, Bachelorette

3 watched on Netflix: Queen Bees, The Lovebirds, Desperados

1 watched on Amazon Prime: That Awkward Moment

2 watched on Peacock: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, Gigli

2 watched on Tubi: Places in the Heart, Murphy's Romance

1 watched on a random site: Love, Wedding, Marriage

28 TOTAL

Some of those other streaming services really need to up their game, I mean, what happened to Hulu, Paramount+ and Disney+?  Maybe I just didn't add any relevant films they have to my list, or maybe they just didn't add any relevant films to THEIR list. 

Now here's the line-up for Saturday, 3/1, Day 29 of TCM's "31 Days of Oscar".  

Best Picture Winners and Nominees:

7:30 am "Five Star FInal" (1931)

9:00 am "Crossfire" (1947)

10:45 am "The Music Man" (1962)

1:30 pm "Doctor Zhivago" (1965)

5:00 pm "The Bridge on the River Kwai" (1957)

Oscar Worthy Dads: 

8:00 pm "The Lost Weekend" (1945)

10:00 pm "I'll Cry Tomorrow" (1955)

12:15 am "Leaving Las Vegas" (1995)

2:15 am "Key Largo" (1948)

4:15 am "Johnny Eager" (1941)

I was at 137 seen out of 323, and I've seen another 5 out of Saturday's 10 - "The Music Man", Doctor Zhivago", "The Bridge on the River Kwai", "The Lost Weekend" and "Leaving Las Vegas", that probably counts as a push - SO now 142 seen out of 333 takes me to 42.6%.

THE PLOT: A panicked young woman, with her reluctant friends in tow, rushes to Mexico to try and delete a ranting e-mail she sent to her new boyfriend. 

AFTER: Here in the waning days of February, in the final third (let's say) of this year's romance chain, clearly there's a formula at work here, kind of like "Mad Libs", where you fill in the blanks with a number, a major city, a noun, an action and a controlled substance.  For example:

THREE friends need to race across NEW YORK to find a SEWING MACHINE to REPAIR a gown, while on COCAINE AND XANAX ("Bachelorette")   or

TWO ex-lovers need to race around NEW ORLEANS to find EVIDENCE to CLEAR THEIR NAMES, while on ADRENALINE AND PANIC ("The Lovebirds"). or 

THREE friends need to race around CABO to find a CEL PHONE to DELETE AN E-MAIL, while on MARGARITAS AND STUPID PILLS ("Desperados").  

See, it's all the same damn movie, each with just a few tweaks, but tell me there isn't a formula at play this week.  Well, the good news is that these three films have something else in common, they've been on my list too damn long - so at LEAST I'm clearing out the dead wood - "Desperados" has been on Netflix since 2020 and I can't believe it's somehow still there, I'll wager I'm the only person who watched this film on that platform this year. Everyone else either watched it back when it was new, or decided against it and never circled back. "The Lovebirds" has also been on Netflix since 2020, but I thought they cycled movies off the platform after 2 years, I guess they make exceptions for the films they own outright. 

The other upside is that I'll never, ever have to watch "Desperados" again, it's that bad. Cringey, very cringey, since the main character is intentionally a very self-entitled young woman, she doesn't seem to care about anyone other than herself, and she feels that the world OWES her things like a job and a successful relationship that she can brag about on Instagram. Yeah, I'll wager there are a lot of young women (and men) out there like that, but that doesn't mean we should make movies about them, because we're going to end up hate-watching those movies.  Well, except for the people who ARE also like that, because I guess they'll watch Wesley just think that everything good should come her way with little or no effort, and they agree with that, and fail to see themselves reflected on the screen. Ugh, you can't win with this Gen Z or Alpha or whatever they are now.  (Yes, I'm Generation X so I get to make fun of both Gen Z AND the Boomers...)

Wesley starts by screwing up a job interview, and then messing up a blind date with a nice young African-American man named Sean.  They'd mentioned having an "automatic out", like either one could tap out from their date if they weren't feeling it, and Sean taps out after spending five minutes with her. Well, he's not wrong, and he might be the smartest character in the whole movie, because he knows right away that Wesley is WAY too full of herself, overly entitled, and she mentioned marriage and kids in the first few minutes of the date.  After that date I was definitely Team Sean - but he was not Team Wesley.  Wesley determines that the problem was that she was too HER, so all she needs to do with the next guy is be someone else. It makes perfect logical sense, except for the fact that it's also ridiculous.  

Wesley "succeeds" with sports agent Jared, who helped her up when she fall on the sidewalk, but if she's actively not being herself, is that really success?  Jared doesn't even really know her, but he's falling in love with the woman that she's pretending to be, isn't that worth something?  Well, no, but Wesley's too far in, plus they have sex after a month of dating, and then the next day, no call, no nothing.  It seems like Jared's ghosted her, so after five days she enlists her friends to help write a nasty e-mail to him (remember, it's all SO about Wesley...) and just after she sends it, she gets a call from Jared, he was with a client in Mexico and had an accident, he's been in a coma for five days and apologizes sincerely for not contacting her.  (Sure, it sounds like a bullshit story, but conveniently the camera shows he IS in a hospital bed and he's all bandaged up, so at least we at home know he's not lying.). 

His phone is back at the resort, he's had no calls or e-mail for five days, so Wesley gets the greatest idea, she'll head down to the resort, find his phone and delete the e-mail she sent, and then their relationship can continue.  Her besties Brooke and Kaylie (enablers of the highest order) go with her, they each have their own issues, like Brooke needs to decide whether to divorce her cheating husband and Kaylie is looking for a way to conceive a baby with her husband, and apparently she's so stupid she thinks flying away to Mexico for a week will help with that, but I'm pretty sure she'd have better luck if she stayed in umm, L.A.(?) with her husband, but call me crazy.  Kaylie also wants to find some weird self-help author in Mexico and ask for advice, they really telegraph this so we won't be shocked when it becomes important to the story later. 

Down in Mexico, what a coincidence, her blind date gone wrong, Sean, is staying at the same resort. Now, you don't suppose that while she's running around like a crazy chicken trying to delete that e-mail, that she'll end up spending time at the resort with Sean and maybe even enlist his help, which would mean a team-up that allows them to get to know each other better, and spending time together working on a common goal could lead to some kind of romance with the guy who rejected her on a date for being so crazy?  Well, it wouldn't be the first time, and crazy stuff like that HAS been known to happen in these rom-coms.  Like "The DUFF", for example, when Bianca and male Wesley (no relation) had to help each other with their problems of dating and passing chemistry, and they ended up spending so much time together working on common goals that they developed an understanding and eventually a romance, after Bianca finally realized that Toby wasn't the high-school man of her dreams?  Yeah, something like that.

(I'm sure it's a coincidence, but Robbie Amell plays Jared here, the object of Wesley's pursuit, but he was also in "The DUFF" last week, but playing a guy NAMED Wesley who tried to help Bianca win over Toby?  Why, it's almost like we keep seeing the same actors in rom-coms, again and again, and things change slightly from one film to another, but essentially they're really all  very much the same?  Nah, it couldn't be. Could it?)

Anyway, what happens here is that Wesley ends up spending more and more time with Sean at the resort (when she's not accidentally naked and/or caught up in crazy situations that make people think she's trying to have sex with a junior-high aged boy...) and over time, Sean and Wesley realize they have some things in common, and we learn he's a widower and his blind date with her was his first attempt to get back out there, perhaps he wasn't ready.  And what do you know, when she needs help getting the key to Jared's room, and Sean helps her, working toward a common goal (even one he thinks is nuts) we get the idea that maybe this could lead to some kind of romance, only with Sean, not Jared.  Wow, who could have seen THAT coming?  

Wesley has to tell MORE lies when Sean gets released from the hospital, like she's already there in Cabo, but he doesn't know that, so she tells him she will fly down to escort him home, only, duh, she's already there. And her plan to use his face to unlock the phone while he's passed out on the plane, then delete the e-mail, is actually a pretty good one.  Like, it WOULD have worked, only smart Sean pointed out that the whole relationship is based on lies, and deleting the e-mail is like a lie on top of a lie, or a lie squared or something, so his suggestion is to let Jared read the e-mail, because he needs to know just how crazy Wesley can get, it's not fair otherwise to let him get further in the relationship.  Yeah, still Team Jared.  

The other two friends manage to go on their own journeys while in Mexico, and what do you know, when they're not all busy fixing Wesley's many, many problems they might have time to fix their own, or at least come to terms with their own.  Wesley is a terrible person, an energy vampire who demands that her friends pay more attention to her than she does to them - how am I supposed to like this main character?  She's totally hateable. Her friends leave her at the airport, but honestly, they should have left her in Mexico.  Oh, right, she got banned from the resort so even Cabo doesn't want her.  Well, the good thing about a love triangle is that she's got two options, if one doesn't work out, just try the other one. Another thing that probably makes perfect logical sense, but is really totally ridiculous when it comes to real practical relationships.

There also is, by random chance, a sexual assault by an aquatic mammal in this film - I won't say what kind of aquatic mammal but you can probably guess. That could have been kind of funny, but no, it really wasn't. Other unfunny things are accusations of pedophilia, over-protective mothers, widower husbands, and medically induced comas. 

Directed by LP (not sure if that's a pseudonym for the writer, Ellen Rapoport, or more of an "Alan Smithee" situation, either way, not a good sign when nobody takes credit for directing a film)

Also starring Nasim Pedrad (last heard in "Wish"), Lamorne Morris (last seen in "The Christmas Chronicles"), Sarah Burns (last seen in "Unfrosted"), Robbie Amell (last seen in "The DUFF"), Heather Graham (last seen in "Say It Isn't So"), Jessica Chaffin (last seen in "Pitch Perfect 3"), Izzy Diaz, Rodrigo Franco, Scott Rodgers, Toby Grey, Jessica Lowe (last seen in "The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two"), George Basil (last seen in "Barbie"), Allan McLeod (last seen in "Horse Girl"), Bryan Safi, Mon de Leon, Niccole Thurman, Mo Gaffney (last seen in "The Out-of-Towners"), Natalia Colina, Mike Mitchell (last seen in "The Tomorrow War"), ViviAnn Yee, Guillermo Pena

RATING: 2 out of 10 paddleboards

The Lovebirds

Year 17, Day 58 - 2/27/25 - Movie #4,958

BEFORE: I have a big day today, I've got to get up early and go a couple miles across Queens by bus because there's another German pork store closing down, now I love German cold cuts and during the pandemic I found a ton of places to buy them, but unfortunately now even the ones who made it through seem to be closing. Last year there was one in my neighborhood of Ridgewood that shut down, and now the great one in Glendale that's next to a restaurant called Zum Stammtisch is closing, though the restaurant is staying open, I guess not enough people love head cheese and liverwurst as much as I do, not enough to sustain a specialty store. So now I've got to go there on a Thursday before the place shuts down on Saturday, as I'm afraid by the weekend there won't be anything left in the store, they're for sure not re-stocking if they know they're closing on March 1. Then I've got to come back home and go out again tonight for an animation event pretty much on the other side of Ridgewood, so a lot of traveling across my neighborhood by bus today. 

Kyle Bornheimer carries over from "Bachelorette".  Now here's the line-up for Friday, 2/28, Day 28 of TCM's "31 Days of Oscar".  

Best Costume Winners and Nominees:

9:00 am "The Wonderful World of the Brothers Grimm" (1962)

11:30 am "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?" (1962)

2:00 pm "Raintree County" (1957)

5:00 pm "Tess" (1979)

Oscar Worthy Dads: 

8:00 pm "Life Is Beautiful" (1997)

10:15 pm "On Golden Pond" (1981)

12:15 am "Fiddler on the Roof" (1971)

3:30 am "The Great Santini" (1979)

5:30 am "Life with Father" (1947)

I was at 131 seen out of 314, and I've seen another 6 out of Friday's 9 - "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?"), "Tess", "Life Is Beautiful", "On Golden Pond", "Fiddler on the Roof" and "Life with Father". It's nearly my last chance to increase my stats. SO now 137 seen out of 323 takes me up to 42.4%.

THE PLOT: A couple experiences a defining moment in their relationship when they are unintentionally embroiled in a murder mystery. 

AFTER: Well, I made it to the German pork store, and I was right, they were already out of a bunch of things, like the type of liverwurst I like. Other people of German descent were at the store today for the same reason, to get the bratwurst or other meats they like before the store runs out. I did get a pound of head cheese, some blutwurst and some ham, bologna and muenster cheese, and a sandwich to eat outside because I didn't want to wait to get home, it was a long ride on two different buses, back and forth.  Then I went with my wife to the wholesale club, she just renewed her membership, and after that she dropped me off at the animation event, so I didn't have to go home, then take another bus.  Animated shorts are a weird little animal, often you watch them and realize they don't really have much of a story, because sometimes the animator just wants to evoke an idea or a feeling, rather than tell a coherent story with plot points. There's not much time, it's a short film after all, but then you can be scratching your head after, wondering what the film you just watched was about.  This is kind of why shorts aren't allowed on my blog, occasionally I'll watch one before a feature but then I don't really count the short in the tally, and partly that's because so many of them are, well, non-narrative. It's rare when you see an animated short that MEANS something or has a real point to make, sure some of them get a bad rap for this, but the problem persists. 

Anyway, tonight's LONG feature (which actually isn't that long, it's just 86 min., so the shortest feature I've watched so far this year) is about a couple that's been together four years, and they feel like they fight a lot, but really, what they're doing is bickering. That's anything that might sound like a fight, but the issue at hand isn't all that important or serious, and nobody's really going to break up over bickering, or just mild disagreeing. Take my wife and me, we bicker over things like whether it makes sense to join one of those wholesale clubs, and she'll pay the fee to have a yearly membership because she thinks shopping there saves money. However, I'll argue that buying in bulk does make sense if you have five or more kids, or if you own a restaurant you're trying to stock, but for a couple with no kids, it makes no sense because they make you buy three of everything, which is more expensive when you buy, and also when you end up throwing food away because it goes bad. Like we stopped buying milk by the gallon because we don't drink much, and then half goes sour and we pour it down the drain - the two of us don't even usually get through a quart, so it makes more sense to buy a quart, however when we go to the wholesale club and see a gallon for $3.00, that SEEMS like a good deal, only it isn't if we're just not going to drink all of that. I'd rather buy one bottle of ketchup for $4 at the regular supermarket every two months than buy THREE now for $12, because it kind of feels like more money's staying in my pocket. So I go with her and try to point out which "deals" at the wholesale club make sense to buy. OK, so they were selling five dozen eggs for $30, which honestly seems cheap what with egg-flation going around due to the avian flu, and really, that's two eggs for a dollar, a good deal maybe. But then we have 60 eggs in the house, and how long will it take us to eat all those eggs?  So honestly I'd rather pay $12 for 12 eggs, maybe each individual egg is more expensive that way, but we're paying out less money overall.  Bottom line, I don't think the wholesale club saves money if it forces us to buy more stuff than we need, yet people still walk out of there having spent $300 and believing that they somehow saved money.

Leilani and Jibran in this film also have debates like this, and so they're under the impression that their relationship is problematic, but seen from another angle, hey, they're just like any married couple that argue about how to do things.  They think they have to break up, because they don't see their little disagreements for what they are, a dress rehearsal for being married. But right after they break up, they get caught up in a murder situation, and since a guy who said he was a cop basically car-jacked them and ran a guy over, they believe that as people of color, they will be blamed for this murder and the police will track them down through their car and hold them responsible. So, out of desperation, they go on the run and try to solve the murder themselves, thinking it will be easier to go to the police if they already know the identity of the man who commandeered their car.  I guess there's some logic there, but of course it's twisted and panic-fueled. 

Well, I did say I needed a break from romance movies, because it turns out that watching a whole month of rom-coms will distort your views on relationships.  "The Lovebirds" is essentially an action comedy with a couple in it, so yeah, this really couldn't have come at a better time. "Bachelorette" took a similar tack, detailing the events of one long night as people race across the city to fix their situation, however "Bachelorette" was neither as funny NOR as serious as today's film. Plus it was very stupid and every character was a terrible person. This one had more heart and was better planned out, as the two leads are motivated to solve the crime, like who was that guy who took their car, who was the guy on the bicycle he killed, and perhaps most importantly, WHY?

When our heroes get knocked out by a congressman's wife and they wake up, tied up in a barn, with someone demanding that they give up the pictures that their boss is using as blackmail material, well that's when they (and we) get the first clue about what's really going on. There's also a weird sex cult similar to the one seen in "Eyes Wide Shut" but eventually Leilani and Jibran end up in police custody, only to find out that they were never really considered to be murder suspects at all.  They were worried over nothing, it turns out, because the police have video footage of the murder, after all there are cameras everywhere these days. Makes sense - but the pair still isn't out of danger, for reasons I can't give out here. No spoilers. 

Does it make complete sense that witnessing a murder together and then going all over New Orleans during a wild night, encountering all kinds of weird people in an attempt to clear their names, would be the thing that brings them back together?  Nah, not really but at least it's a bunch of wild action and crazy fun, and I was rooting for them the whole time because they're not horrible people. Also, they just want to compete on "The Amazing Race" together, which is a noble goal. (A reminder that this blog does NOT accept any advertising dollars of any kind, so when I tell you that season 37 of "The Amazing Race" begins on CBS on March 5, you know it's because I really love that show.)

Directed by: Michael Showalter (director of "Spoiler Alert")

Also starring Issa Rae (last seen in "Barbie"), Kumail Nanjiani (last seen in "Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire"), Paul Sparks (last seen in "The Bikeriders"), Anna Camp (last seen in "Jerry and Marge Go Large"), Nicholas X. Parsons (last seen in "We Have a Ghost"), Barry Rothbart (last seen in "Dean"), Catherine Cohen, Andrene Ward-Hammond (last seen in "Assassination Nation"), Lisha Wheeler, Moses Storm (last seen in "Fool's Paradise"), Nelson Cepeda, Casey Hendershot (last seen in "Jackpot!"), Aaron Abrams (last seen in "Jesus Henry Christ"), Joe Chrest (last seen in "Love, Wedding, Marriage"), Blaine Kern III (last seen in "The Dirt"), Briana Liu, Matthew Rimmer (last seen in "Grudge Match"), Jaren Mitchell, Betsy Borrego, Kelly Angell (Murtagh), Rob Eubanks, Mahdi Cocci, Joe Camp III, Gralen Bryant Banks (last seen in "The Burial"), Robert Larriviere (last seen in "Poms"), Shannon Nicole and the voice of Phil Keoghan

RATING: 6 out of 10 attempts to guess a phone password

Bachelorette

Year 17, Day 57 - 2/26/25 - Movie #4,957

BEFORE: Somehow it's Wednesday already, I feel like we JUST had a weekend, and now here we are, headed for another one. It's not just me, time really did get sped up at some point, right?  And we've got March coming in just THREE days, the Oscars are on Sunday and before you know it, St. Patrick's Day will be here and I'll be building my chain to get to Easter.  While we're investigating ways to stop climate change, can somebody please figure out a way to slow time down, too?  Because Einstein told us that time isn't a constant, so clearly it must have changed somehow.  It's going by faster than it used to, only I can't prove it because it's affected the clocks, too, they're moving faster right in step with time itself. It's some kind of conspiracy. 

Anyhoo, it's not really fair to romance that it got stuck with the shortest month, that's why my romance chains usually extend into March by at least a week, sometimes more.  Again when you start one of these themes chains moving, you can't just STOP it, you've got to kind of just slow it down a bit, so I'll taper off the topic around March 7, so I can wrap it up by March 10. That seems about right, I'll have seven days to link to something very Irish - oh, if only there were an Irish movie star who's made a bunch of action films I haven't seen yet, even though I've seen him in a LOT of films.  Yeah, I've got this.  Also, I've got the Oscars set to record on my DVR so it's time to stock up on snacks again, the Super Bowl for movies is coming!  

Sue Jean Kim carries over from "You Hurt My Feelings". Now here's the line-up for Thursday, 2/27, Day 27 of TCM's "31 Days of Oscar".  

Best Director Winners and Nominees:

7:00 am "Speedy" (1928)

8:30 am "Romance" (1930)

10:00 am "The Informer" (1935)

12:00 pm "Kitty Foyle" (1940)

2:00 pm "Random Harvest" (1942)

4:15 pm "The Southerner" (1945)

6:00 pm "East of Eden" (1955)

Oscar Worthy Leaders: 

8:00 pm "Gandhi" (1982)

11:30 pm "The Iron Lady" (2011)

1:30 am "Quo Vadis" (1951)

4:30 am "Conquest" (1937)

6:30 am "Juarez" (1939)

I was at 128 seen out of 302, and I've seen another 3 out of Thursday's 12 - "East of Eden", "Gandhi" and "The Iron Lady".  SO now 131 seen out of 314 takes me to 41.7%.

THE PLOT: Three friends are asked to be bridesmaids at the wedding of a woman they used to ridicule back in high school. 

AFTER: It seems kind of appropriate that this film ended up just two slots away from "That Awkward Moment", as they're equally terrible films, just one is about three terrible male characters and this one's about four terrible female characters.  Well, we try to be fair here at the Movie Year, it wouldn't be right to just showcase the stupidity of one gender over the other.  Remember, we're back to having TWO genders now, the President said so. JK - I support trans rights, even though the issue doesn't affect me at all, that doesn't mean it's not important to some other people, just trying to live their lives.  I don't want to get into this issue here, it's got nothing to do with today's film, but then, there aren't really many films that ARE getting into this issue, are there?  And without that then most people may not find a way to comprehend it, just saying. One of these days maybe a film will come along...

This film is about a wedding, and you apparently can't have a wedding without causing some resentments and awkward situations - a movie wedding, I mean.  You can't make a wedding in a movie that runs perfectly smoothly and makes the couple and their families very happy, because who would go to see that?  We want to see everything go horribly wrong, so we can be laughing at the misfortunes of people who are not ourselves, and then experience schadenfreude and thereby appreciate the events of our own lives, which obviously could be a whole lot worse than they are.  I had a hand in planning both of my weddings, and my BFF (and BMF) told me, "Look, most things are going to go right, some things are bound to go wrong, but by the end of the day, you'll be married and if you're happy, then everything's going to be OK."  Wise words, however they don't apply at all to movie weddings and movie bachelor/bachelorette parties. 

For starters, the three friends - Regan, Katie and Gena - unite for Becky's wedding.  Becky's the girl that everyone (including them) called "Pig Face" in high school and made fun of, and so they're resentful that Becky's getting married and THEY are all still single, that's, umm, petty and not really a good start to a movie, because it's a sign that worse things are coming if these three girls can't get beyond this, and they can't. Regan practically planned the whole wedding, which raises a NITPICK POINT, why is there ALSO a pro wedding planner hanging around?  If Regan's doing everything, why do they need a wedding planner, and if there's a wedding planner, why does Regan have to step in?  Ah, maybe she needs to be the focus of attention all the time, and this is her way of doing that. Oh, but it's going to get SO much worse...

The groom and his best man and grooms, of course, make plans to go to a NYC strip club (they shot this at Scores on West 28th St., don't ask me how I know this, but the place closed down, most likely during COVID) and the women are just planning to have a nice party at the hotel, only Katie arranges for her co-worker at the fancy clothing store to dress up like a cop and be a stripper at the women's party. It does NOT go well, as the stripper accidentally calls her by that horrible nickname, and she gets upset. But not too upset - the stripper is last seen leaving the room with the bride and that dangling little plot line does NOT get picked up again. It also makes no sense at all, so I don't know which is the worse sin, showing that on camera and it making no sense, or showing that and never following up - so I guess both things are bad. 

The bride leaves and the three friends drink too much and/or do too much cocaine (ah, 2012...) so they all get very upset that Becky's getting married and they're all single. Two of them put on Becky's wedding dress (yes, both of them fit inside it, let's throw some more fat-shaming into the mix) and they accidentally tear it down the front, and this dress was CUSTOM-made for the bride. Guys, it's like the night before the wedding, everything's closed, how are we going to get this dress fixed AND cleaned before the ceremony?  Well, maybe you should have thought of that before making fun of the fat person, you'll get no sympathy from me.  

So this leads the girls on a cross-city alcohol and coke-fueled odyssey across the city to get the dress fixed, while ALSO crashing the guy's bachelor party at the strip club, and two of the girls trying to hook up with guys from the wedding party - Katie with too-nice pot dealer Joe, and Gena with her old flame Clyde, who wasn't there for her when she got pregnant and had to have an abortion, so yeah, that's all way too awkward.  There's just no way to un-ring that bell and get those two back together or even on the same page, so no, we probably shouldn't even try, because that would be in VERY bad taste. Never, ever, ever should she even consider getting back together with the guy who left her hanging when their relationship led her to make a very difficult choice. Well, guess what...

Oh, it's still going to get SO much worse. I can only imagine the pressure that a filmmaker would have been under, making a bridesmaid-based comedy in 2012, one year after the tremendous success of "Bridesmaids", with Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph and Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy, and oh yeah, Rebel Wilson. Say, you don't suppose she got cast in "Bachelorette" because someone wanted to try and duplicate the unforeseen success of the raunchy film "Bridesmaids", do you?  What, we can't get Kristen Wiig? OK, get me Kirsten Dunst instead, nobody's going to even care.  Who else is available that week?  Isla Fisher?  OK, book her, she was in "Wedding Crashers", and get me Lizzy Caplan, who was in "The People We Hate at the Wedding", and while you're at it, call James Marsden, who was in "27 Dresses".  We need as MANY people as possible who have been in other rom-coms about weddings...

Ugh, it gets even worse, because somehow Katie FORGETS to tell her friends that she went to FIT and studied fashion design, which means that - she COULD FIX the dress, if only they could find her a sewing machine and thread at 2 am in NYC.  What, they closed all the sweatshops decades ago? Damn, what terrible luck.  Think outside the box, girls, this is the city that NEVER sleeps, which means that there's a film shoot going on somewhere with an active costume department, or for that matter, if you're at Scores on 28th St. and the river, then the FIT campus is a few blocks away on 27th St., between 7th and 8th Ave. Right? And as an FIT alumni, maybe Katie even has her old ID, problem solved, but I guess movie over too soon, then. 

Plus, Katie's too high AND too drunk, so she couldn't possibly run a sewing machine - BUT she's got time to go late-night swimming in the hotel pool with Joe, wait wasn't there a dress she was supposed to be fixing or something?  Then she locks herself in the bathroom and OD's on Xanax, which is very not cool and causes a bunch of problems for everyone in the morning.  Very inconsiderate. 

Bulimia's not really a very good plot-point in a comedy, I mean I know it's a complicated issue related to women's body image issues and the pressures of society, but it's still at heart about women throwing up to lose weight, and honestly, not very funny at all. If you came here for a comedy movie and not a discussion of complex psychological medical conditions, you might find yourself disappointed, but hey, that's not just because of this one thing, the film's disappointing across the board. I mean, everywhere you look there are people being horrible to each other, and if that's how these people treat their FRIENDS then I'd hate to see what they do to their enemies. 

Meanwhile, they all freak out, all the time, while ignoring the simplest solutions to problems. OK, so there's a small bloodstain on the dress (don't ask, I mean REALLY, don't ask) so is that a good enough reason for Regan to YELL at Becky right in her FACE to not worry about the bloodstain and go walk down the aisle?  She has to hold her flower bouquet, right?  So why not just nicely tell her to hold the flowers over the stain?  Meanwhile, Regan's got a big vomit stain on HER dress (again, probably best if you don't ask) and she just walks around with it, but then, she's not the bride.  Only, don't remind her that she's not the bride. OK, you know what, these people are all horrible and cringe and I'm done with them now and I never have to watch this film again.

This film is NOT streaming anywhere, and I think I know why. It was on that DVR that I turned in because it kept crashing, and maybe I should have taken that as a sign and removed it from my list the other way, by not watching it. But wait, you say, if it's not streaming and it's not on my DVR, how did i watch it?  Yeah, you probably shouldn't ask that either. 

Directed by: Leslye Headland (director of "Sleeping with Other People")

Also starring Kirsten Dunst (last seen in "Civil War'), Lizzy Caplan (last seen in "The People We Hate at the Wedding"), Isla Fisher (last heard in "Strays'), Rebel Wilson (last seen in "Pain & Gain"), Kyle Bornheimer (last seen in "You Again"), James Marsden (last seen in "Unfrosted"), Adam Scott (last seen in "Madame Web"), Paul Corning, Andrew Rannells (last heard in "Trolls Band Together"), Hayes MacArthur (last seen in "Ode to Joy"), Shauna Miles, Ann Dowd (last seen in "The Drop"), Ella Rae Peck (last seen in "Young Adult"), Arden Myrin (last seen in "Space Oddity"), Horatio Sanz (last seen in "Clifford the Big Red Dog"), Anna Rose Hopkins (last seen in "Shame"), Megan Neuringer, Leslie Meisel (last seen in "Kill Your Darlings"), Jenn Schatz, Beth Hoyt, Melissa Stephens, Chris Cardona (last seen in "Worth"), June Diane Raphael (last seen in "Blockers"), Candy Buckley, Erik Parian,

RATING: 3 out of 10 defaced yearbook photos

You Hurt My Feelings

Year 17, Day 56 - 2/25/25 - Movie #4,956

BEFORE: Something I probably should have done from the START was to list the director of each film as I posted about them, it's relevant tonight, so I think I'm going to start making up for my disservice to film directors by, going forward, listing the director of each film and name-checking the last film I watched from them, like I do for the actors. It seems only fair.  And I probably have time to go back and do this for all of this year's films, but at this point, to go back and re-label all 4,900 previous films, ugh, what a nightmare. Let me start with 2025 and then decide if I want to go back and alter previous posts if I have the time, which I probably don't. Yet that's what my OCD wants to do.

Josh Pais carries over from "That Awkward Moment", and it feels appropriate because last night he played the always-awkward boss of two characters. Now here's the line-up for Wednesday, 2/26, Day 26 of TCM's "31 Days of Oscar".  I'll have my total in a few days and then I can stop posting this: 

Best Sound Winners and Nominees:

8:45 am "Topper Returns" (1941)

10:15 am "The Gay Divorcee" (1934)

12:15 pm "San Francisco" (1936)

2:15 pm "Grand Prix" (1966)

5:15 pm "The Great Race" (1965)

Oscar Worthy Nuns and Priests: 

8:00 pm "Going My Way" (1944)

10:15 pm "Dead Man Walking" (1995)

12:30 am "On the Waterfront" (1954)

2:30 am "Boys Town" (1938)

4:15 am "The Nun's Story" (1959)

I was at 122 seen out of 292, and I've seen another 6 out of Wednesday's 10 - "Topper Returns", "The Gay Divorcee", "The Great Race", "Dead Man Walking", "On the Waterfront" and "The Nun's Story". SO now 128 seen out of 302 takes me to 42.3%.

THE PLOT: A novelist's long-standing marriage is suddenly upended when she overhears her husband giving his honest reaction to her latest book. 

AFTER: I seem to have hit upon a string of films about relationships in trouble, yesterday's three male lead characters were all kind of self-sabotaging men in their 20's, but it's a different kind of trouble today - a couple that's married with a son start fighting and questioning everything because of a miscommunication. Actually the husband speaks his honest opinion about his wife's new book, and she overhears him - previously he had been very encouraging about her manuscript, but always kind of tempering the compliment, saying things like "Well, I'm not really the best judge..." and "I liked your first book better..."  

The husband himself is a therapist, and he also starts to question his own abilities when a married couple that he counsels feels that they're not making any progress in their sessions, and demands a refund for their therapy fees.  Umm, sure, that's not really how therapy works, or any doctor's practice, unless you want to sue for malpractice.  But now that he's spoken the truth about his wife's book, and she really resents his negative review, it's like his whole life is up in the air, too.  

The larger question here, of course, is whether honesty is always the best policy in relationships. You want to be supportive of your spouse, but to what extent?  If they're wasting their talents or if you feel they're not on the right track somehow, do you have the right to disapprove?  I say no, but I try very hard to keep my work life separate from my relationship, ideally it would be great if I didn't bring the anxiety of running an ever-failing animation studio home with me, sometimes I have to decompress after walking through the front door, sometimes that involves an alcoholic beverage or a quick nap, or both. I know my wife would love it if I could get a better or at least higher-paying job, however I don't respond well to people pointing out my failings. Who does? 

The arguments here do have a very real feel to them - so I'm wondering now how autobiographical this film is.  Did the director's spouse not approve of the last film she directed?  Nicole Holofcener's listed as divorced on Wikipedia, so maybe this did draw from her own break-up, I can't really get a read on that. Her mother and step-father worked on Woody Allen films, and she started her career by working on two of Woody's films, so I bet there are some different stories there.  Her stepfather was Charles Joffe, who produced many of Woody Allen's films, and Wiki says he was disapproving of his step-daughters first directorial efforts, so I wonder if there's a connection there to the lead character in today's film, who described verbal abuse from her father in her successful memoir.  OK, enough reading between the lines. 

To be fair to the husband here, when Beth's agent tells her that her new manuscript needs a second draft, or at least major revisions, Don does suggest that she find a new agent, which ultimately is what ends up happening. So I'm kind of on his side here, however I also see Beth's point that he shouldn't say one thing about the book to her and then something totally different when confiding in someone else. My wife has done a lot of baking since COVID started, and I did promise to eat all of her mistakes, which I've really only regretted saying once. I want to be encouraging, but there was one cake that even she had to admit missed the mark. Thankfully I keep Hershey's chocolate syrup in the fridge, it helped a lot. And I never said the cake was BAD, she'd already warned me about it. But she's got a very good track record overall when it comes to baking cookies, brownies and cakes, so no complaints. 

What Beth displays here is something I've heard referred to as "artist's brain", where it's impossible for a writer or artist to view their own work objectively, especially if they've had successes in the past, then they may not understand how they could produce good art in the past and not continue to do so in the present.  I understand the problem, because if you weren't in love with your idea, you wouldn't work on it in the first place - I found out in film school that I wasn't great at coming up with ideas, so I set myself on a course where I could become a producer and/or office manager, so I'd never have to put my ideas out there for other people to judge. Well, it's been 30 years of almost steady work, so my plan has worked out. I don't see myself as a writer because I don't feel I can create something original, only derivative. But living out my back-up plan isn't the worst possible scenario, there are plenty of more difficult jobs I could have.  

Beth also volunteers at a church with her sister, Sarah, who also works as an interior decorator for high-profile, very picky clients.  Sarah is married to Mark, a struggling actor who keeps getting fired or is always threatening to quit.  And Beth and Don have a son, Elliot, who works at a weed dispensary but is also trying to write a play - his problem is that his parents have always been overly proud of him, and he doesn't think he can live up to their expectations.  His story of getting a "C" on a book report in grade school haunts him because his mother urged the teacher to bump him up to a "B", only in his heart he probably would have learned a better life lesson from being forced to keep the lower grade.  It's pretty neat how this conversation illustrates that we shouldn't be too complimentary of other people's work, and giving them criticism actually helps keep them grounded, and it arrives just in time to shed some light on the dilemma in the arguments Beth and Don have been going through. 

I had real trouble making it more than halfway through the film last night, but I'm going to blame that on my evening spent at the brewery event - I did drink a couple of strong beers, and so when 3 am hit, I gave up on the movie and realized that sleep was a better option for me. I finished the film Tuesday morning after some coffee - but I'm not going to have that luxury for long. Sunday morning I have to report to the theater very early, for the New York International Children's Film Festival, and I have a feeling my March schedule after that is going to be pretty packed, before we go away for a few days at the end of the month.  

Directed by: Nicole Holofcener (director of "The Land of Steady Habits", "Enough Said")

Also starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus (last heard in "Being Mary Tyler Moore"), Tobias Menzies (last seen in "Atonement"), Michaela Watkins (last seen in "Paint"), Arian Moayed (last seen in "Rosewater"), Owen Teague (last seen in "Reptile"), Amber Tamblyn (last seen in "The Ring"), David Cross (last seen in "Destiny Turns on the Radio"), Walter Brandes, Erica Matlin, Karolena Theresa, Trey Santiago-Hudson, Doug Moe, Lynnsey Lewis, Claudia Robinson (last seen in "God's Pocket"), Bryan Reynoso, Kelsey Carthew, Zach Cherry (last seen in "An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn"), Clara Wong, Spike Einbinder, Sarah Steele (last seen in "Adult Beginners"), LaTanya Richardson Jackson (last seen in "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge"), Jeannie Berlin (last seen in "Cafe Society"), Julian Leong, Rebecca Henderson (last seen in "True Story"), Sue Jean Kim (last seen in "Maggie's Plan"), Deniz Akdeniz (last seen in "Dumb Money"), Sunita Mani (last seen in "Everything Everywhere All at Once"), Kenneth Tigar (last seen in "The Post"), Christian Jacobs, John Sousa (last seen in "Men in Black: International"), Phyllis Gordon, Brian Faas, James Hightower

RATING: 6 out of 10 pairs of socks sold at Paragon Sports (hey, I've been there!)

That Awkward Moment

Year 17, Day 55 - 2/24/25 - Movie #4,955

BEFORE: I've still got another 12 films to go, even though I'd REALLY like to watch a different sort of film right about now, I'm about 2/3 through this topic as of today.  And I'm also looking at how the pieces might come together for next year's romance chain, even though what I have are a bunch of tiny little pieces, it's nothing like a possible month-long chain right now. The longest mini-chain I have is nine films long, the next biggest is 8 films, then a 7-film, a 6-film, a couple of 5's, and so on, plus 22 singles that don't link up with any other films. Ah, but a lone film is just one that hasn't made a match yet, so if I keep adding films to this category and keeping an eye on the color-coded possibilities, there's still something resembling hope that I can put a chain of 28 films or longer together from what I have on the list, I just need to keep finding more romances each month and working them into the system, that's all. I guess maybe one year soon that might be possible, but studios keep releasing films on this topic, and every month I get an e-mail from IMDB with a list of the films added to each streaming service, so I'm still here.

Mackenzie Davis carries over from "What If".  Here's the line-up for Tuesday, 2/25, Day 25 of TCM's "31 Days of Oscar".  

Best Adapted Screenplay Winners and Nominees:

6:00 am "Little Caesar" (1930)

7:35 am "Great Expectations" (1946)

9:30 am "Baby Doll" (1956)

11:30 am "Judgment at Nuremberg" (1961)

2:45 pm "Elmer Gantry" (1960)

5:15 pm "Lolita" (1962)

Oscar Worthy Entertainers: 

8:00 pm "Yankee Doodle Dandy" (1942)

10:15 pm "Cabaret" (1972)

12:30 am "Lili" (1953)

2:00 am "The Broadway Melody" (1929)

3:45 am "The Great Ziegfeld" (1936)

6:45 am "The Sunshine Boys" (1976)

I was at 118 seen out of 280, and I've seen just another 4 out of Tuesday's 12 - "Elmer Gantry", "Lolita", "Cabaret" and "The Sunshine Boys". SO now 122 seen out of 292 takes me to 41.7%.

THE PLOT: Three best friends find themselves where we've all been - at that confusing moment in every dating relationship when you must decide "So...where is this going?"

AFTER: I'm sorry if I'm posting late tonight, I went to an event at the Brooklyn Brewery for National Twin Peaks Day, apparently February 24 is the day that Agent Cooper first arrived in Twin Peaks in the first episode of that show, so as part of NYC Beer Week the brewery decided to host a tribute to David Lynch and his famous quirky TV show from the late 1980's, there was a costume contest and they played footage from the show on a big screen and there was a table full of donuts. Those things were for the people who paid the extra $22 ticket, I got in for free because I just wanted to hang out, I hadn't been over to their tap room in about five years, and I used to go over there all the time for block party beer festivals and also special dinners and tasting events. But I preferred to spend my money on their beer, and not such frivolous things as the donuts and the pointless photo booth. I had about four beers there, and I swear their tasting glasses have gotten smaller, like I don't really believe those were 12 oz pours, but I didn't call them out on it.  The biggest disappointment, though, was not being able to purchase the Black Yukon Sucker Punch drink, which was also only available to just the ticket-holders, despite the fact that I was willing and able to pay for one, they WOULD NOT sell it to me.  This was apparently a cocktail mentioned in one episode of the show, now this version was probably just one of their stronger beers with some mysterious blue foam on top, and I didn't REALLY want one until I was told that I could not have one without paying $22 more for the VIP ticket. Yeah, nice try, but I can just drink your other beers and pay regular price.  And then to really stick it to them, I bought a 6-pack of their Chocolate Stout and four cans of their other specialty beers and paid full price to carry those home. Yeah, I sure showed them....

No, I don't make a habit of drinking on Monday nights, that to some people is called a warning sign.  But once in a while it's OK, especially if I have the day off tomorrow, I can sleep in.  I still need to stay up late watching tomorrow's movie, so yeah, I have a feeling I'm going to get a late start tomorrow.  Ah, well, our taxes got done this weekend, so I deserved a night out and a little reward. Today's film has a lot of scenes with bros drinking in bars, trying to meet women, because when you're in your 20's or 30's, that's what you do, right?  One of these three best friend-bros is married, but early on in the film his wife asks him for a divorce, she confronts him with the divorce lawyer who she is also having an affair with, so yeah, that probably means it's over.  Mikey gets right back into drinking at bars with Jason and Daniel, and they do what they can to help him, since he's been off the dating scene for a while.  

The three friends make a pact, they're all going to play the field for a while, none of them is going to have a serious relationship for a while, because that would violate the bonds of friendship as currently defined.  But then Jason starts a relationship with Ellie, one of the clients he's designing a book cover for, however after sex he misreads the clues in her apartment, which lead him to think she's a hooker.  Meanwhile Daniel sleeps with his female wing-woman from the bar, and they start seeing each other on the regular.  Mikey meets up with his ex-wife for sex and thinks that they can start fresh and maybe make things work again, so one by one all three men violate the pact, however none of them want to admit it to the others, because that's the same as losing a bet or something.  It's all pretty childish, really.  Why is it considered a failure between men to be in a steady and semi-serious relationship?

All their secrets are revealed during Thanksgiving, where Mikey cooks dinner for his ex-wife but then finds out she's still sleeping with that lawyer, and the other two friends find out that Daniel and Chelsea are a thing, so he basically lied about that to save face with his friends.  And Jason is deciding whether he should go to Ellie's father's funeral, since they haven't been dating that long, and that's a serious step forward for their relationship that he may not be willing to make.  Unfortunately that's a real garbage-human thing to do, to not be there for another person when they need support.  Well, if the shoe fits... At this point on of the three men gets hit by a taxi and ends up in the hospital, really, all of them deserved a lot worse, and it doesn't seem all that fair that they didn't get it.  The film tries to pull as much entertainment as it can out of men treating women, and each other, very badly, but really, there's only so much it can do there. 

Whether you're officially dating, or just having sex, or merely hanging out, there's really no excuse for people being terrible to teach other, and we shouldn't excuse any character who does that just because they're insecure and conflicted about what they want out of life. 

Directed by: Tom Gormican (director of "The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent")

Also starring Zac Efron (last heard in "Scoob!"), Miles Teller (last seen in "Allegiant"), Michael B. Jordan (last seen in "Creed III"), Imogen Poots (last seen in "The Father"), Jessica Lucas (last seen in "She's the Man"), Addison Timlin (last seen in "Stand Up Guys"), Josh Pais (last seen in "Spoiler Alert"), Evelina Turen (last seen in "Arbitrage"), Karen Ludwig (last seen in "Stanley & Iris"), Tina Benko (last seen in "The Kitchen"), Joseph Adams (last seen in "Touched with Fire"), Lola Glaudini (last seen in "Down to You"), John Rothman (last seen in "Say It Isn't So"), Barbara Garrick (last seen in "Far From Heaven"), Raul Casso, Kate Simses (last seen in "What's Your Number?"), Emily Meade (last seen in "Thanks for Sharing"), Alysia Reiner (last seen in "Spider-Man: No Way Home"), Yuval Boim (last seen in "Norman"), Dan Bittner (last seen in "Tesla"), Reif Larsen, Chris Grace, Victor Slezak (last seen in "The Reluctant Fundamentalist"), Justin Nappi, Tom Riis Farrell (last seen in "The Stepford Wives"), Julia Morrison, Amanda A. Lederer, James P. Anderson, Rachel Heller (also last seen in "Arbitrage"), DB Woodside (last seen in "Paul Blart; Mall Cop 2") with a cameo from Michael K. Williams (last seen in "The Purge: Anarchy")

RATING: 3 out of 10 sparsely attended book readings

What If

Year 17, Day 54 - 2/23/25 - Movie #4,954

BEFORE:  Well, it's been a week - I can't really say it's been a consistent week for movies, or a great week, but it's definitely been a week. I called last week "Wedding Week" because there was a wedding in nearly every movie, well except for Valentine's Day, oddly enough. Somebody got married in "Kiss Me Goodbye", "Queen Bees", "Love, Wedding, Marriage", "Ticket to Paradise" and "My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3".  Now that's not to say that there weren't any weddings THIS week, like somebody definitely got hitched in "How to Deal", but that topic just hasn't been the main focal point of this week.  If anything, this week's films have been about high-school or college-age (or maybe just past college age) figuring stuff out, noticing all the chaos of relationships all around them, and wondering if good things or bad things are in store for them once they take that step and launch into that relationship they've been considering.

What, too nebulous of a concept? Too heavy, man? Sorry that things haven't been all that cut and dried this week, but, you know, love is complicated. You really have to think about it, some people get hurt and don't recover for years, because love is a dangerous game, and the only way to avoid the painful parts is to not play the game at all, and that's no fun. You gotta risk it for the biscuit, and no risk, no reward.  Also, this has secretly been "Filmed in Canada" week all along, with a few films having the greater Toronto area filling in for some unnamed American city. Don't believe me? "Angel Eyes" was set in Chicago, but it was filmed in Toronto. "Maudie" was set in Nova Scotia but filmed in Newfoundland and Labrador. OK, so "The DUFF" was shot in Atlanta and "Then Came You" in Kingston, NY, but "How to Deal" filmed in Toronto and Hamilton, and tonight's film is both set in Toronto AND was filmed there. So four films this week are imports, and here I thought we had a tariff system in place that was supposed to prevent this. 

Also, several films this week had two different names, I guess for release in different countries. You may have noticed that the poster for "A Brilliant Young Mind" had the alternate title "X + Y" on it, also "Then Came You" was called "Departures" in the U.K., which, sure I get the double meaning, airports and funerals. Today's film was titled "What If" in America, but in some countries it was released as "The F Word".  I guess we all know what "F" word they were referring to - but maybe it was referring to the word "friend", it's possible...

Ennis Esmer carries over from "How to Deal", and here's the line-up for Monday, 2/24, Day 24 of TCM's "31 Days of Oscar".  Just 7 days left...

Best Documentary Winners and Nominees:

6:45 am "The Battle of Midway" (1942)

7:15 am "Resisting Enemy Interrogation" (1944)

8:30 am "The Sea Around Us" (1952)

9:45 am "The Times of Harvey Milk" (1984)

11:30 am "Common Threads: Stories from the Quilt" (1989)

1:00 pm "Harlan County U.S.A. (1976)

3:00 pm "Freedom on My Mind" (1994)

5:00 pm "When We Were Kings" (1996)

6:30 pm "For All Mankind" (1989)

Oscar Worthy Women in Danger: 

8:00 pm "Suspicion" (1941)

10:00 pm "Psycho" (1960)

12:00 am "Gaslight" (1944)

2:00 am "Wait Until Dark" (1967)

4:00 am "Night Must Fall" (1937)

I was at 113 seen out of 266, and while I'm great at watching current docs, I suck at watching old, Oscar-worthy ones. Like I watch a month's worth of docs every year, but usually about rock stars and film stars and once in a while sports legends, but that's just not what gets nominated. 

I've seen just another 5 out of Monday's 14 - "When We Were Kings", "Suspicion", "Psycho", "Gaslight" and "Wait Until Dark". I'm much better at watching Hitchcock movies, after all. 

SO now 118 seen out of 280 takes me to 42.1%.

THE PLOT: Wallace, who is burned out after a string of failed relationships, forms an instant bond with Chantry, who lives with her longtime boyfriend. Together, they puzzle out what it means if your best friend is also the love of your life. 

AFTER: It's just a basic love triangle tonight, which seems simple compared to some of the goings-on around here this February - but this film tried very hard to be the ULTIMATE love triangle movie. Like, really getting into what that means, the logistics of that all, how do you form a friendship with someone that you might consider to be a good romantic partner for you, except for the fact that they're in a committed relationship.  Should you give up, because that seems like they're solidly taken, and move on with your life, or should you hang around and be friends with them, and then take advantage of whatever bad fortune might come along and break up that other relationship, or should you take an active role in breaking them up, so you can be happy and be with who you want?  

You can feel it when med-school drop-out Wallace is confiding in his best friend, Allan - they're debating the possible next steps when you find yourself attracted to someone who's in a committed relationship. It's almost like the screenwriters debating over which direction the plot should take.  Wallace has a pretty solid friendship with Chantry, but he wants more - if he actively breaks up Chantry and Ben, then he's an asshole, and Chantry may resent whatever he did to break them up, so she may not be receptive to taking her relationship further with Wallace. If he sticks around and just acts like Chantry's best friend, waiting for them to break up naturally or for something else to go wrong, then he seems like he's conniving, and also not truly her friend if he had this ulterior motive all along.  And if he just makes a move on Chantry without any warning, it will seem like it's coming out of nowhere, also he'd be very selfish to make a move on a friend who's with someone else.  So, which is the worse sin, and which action, if any, should he take?  Yeah, that's a big dilemma, almost of Seinfeldian proportions, and it's not clear whether ANY of those actions will result in climbing out of the Friend Zone and turning Chantry from a friend into a lover.  

The safest road would probably be to just continue being friends, and not tip your hand in any way, but keep your eyes and ears open, looking and listening for anything going wrong in her relationship with Ben that he can then use to his advantage.  Sure, he could also date Chantry's sister, Nicole, that's an option - that would ALMOST be like dating Chantry, except for the fact that she and her sister are very different people, and also that if he slept with her sister, then he'd never ever EVER get to sleep with Chantry, like maybe after a few decades have gone by, but you hardly ever hear about anyone marrying their ex-brother-in-law any more, although I'm sure in all of human history it must have happened at least once. Like, maybe if your sibling died you might think about dating their spouse, or is that just too icky somehow? I guess it doesn't really matter, it's probably legal in New Jersey though. 

I got a little confused at the start of this film, because I think shortly after we see Wallace and Chantry meet for the first time, there's some kind of flash-forward to a date in the future when he deletes a message from her from his phone, it's been there a long time, but we don't know what that means. Did they get together and then break up? Did she die?  Or am I really wrong about what's happening here?  Was he deleting a message from his EX-girlfriend, is that what was happening? They really should have made this more clear - maybe there was no time-jumping, and I'm always just paranoid about it.  There's a very similar scene, almost exactly the same, near the end, maybe that's why I'm confused. 

The story continues and shows Wallace and Chantry becoming close friends, but she's living with Ben, so is this going to be some kind of "When Harry Met Sally" thing that follows them for 20 years while they date other people, but, you know, ultimately end up together because when you're a bit older you're smarter about who you date and marry so maybe the person who you've been hanging around with and not dating for a few decades is really THE ONE, or should have been THE ONE from the start, or you never realized that they could be THE ONE because you were with someone else and anyway, they weren't a great romantic partner then, but after a few decades of hanging out they became THE ONE. Is it like that? 

Well, not exactly. A lot happens in this one, and maybe it feels real because incidents are so specific, I don't know. I'd need to know a little more about the play this is based on, which is called "Toothpaste and Cigars", maybe.  But Wallace and Chantry do spend a lot of time together, the connection is that Wallace's college roommate and best friend is Allan, who is Chantry's cousin. And at the same party where they meet, Allan meets Nicole, and even though they're both seeing other people, it doesn't matter, Allan and Nicole get together in a flash so halfway through the film, they're already engaged, while Wallace is still wondering how to get out of the Friend Zone with Chantry.  There's a window of opportunity, though, as Ben works as a lawyer for the United Nations and is asked to spend six months working in Dublin, which then turns into another month in Amsterdam, then a month in France, etc. etc. So it's possible that spending time apart will cause the relationship to dwindle or cease entirely, if Wallace can just work up the nerve to help it along somehow.  

Allan and Nicole try to help the process alone by taking their friends to the beach, encouraging them to go skinny-dipping, and then hiding their clothes.  Wallace and Chantry are forced to sleep naked on the beach or share a sleeping bag together, which they do, but it doesn't produce the desired result, and now they're mad at their friends and things between them all are very awkward.  Finally Chantry decides to use that plane ticket to fly to Dublin and surprise Ben, and really, she's trying to decide between the two men in her life.  Ben also gets the notion to fly to Dublin, only he finds Ben and learns that Chantry's already on her way back to Toronto.  He speeds back to meet her for breakfast, only to find that she's been offered an animation job in Taiwan.  No spoilers here, I'm not going to reveal whether these crazy kids ever manage to get on the same page, but you can probably guess. 

Bear in mind that this film was released in 2013, well before the pandemic and also before people realized you can work from anywhere, thanks to the internet and zoom calls. So yeah,  back then people offered you jobs in other cities and you then had to move your whole life there if you wanted that job. Weird, right?  Anyway, there are some relationship lessons here if you're into receiving them, like don't make the same mistakes your parents made and also maybe don't leave medical school just because you found your girlfriend at the time making out with one of your teaching doctors.  Also, don't just remain silent if you have feelings for someone, because that's a form of lying by omission, you have to speak your truth, unless of course that would ruin the friendship. You know what, maybe it is better to not lay all your cards on the table, I don't know, I say keep pushing your emotions down and down, don't swing at every pitch, maybe just hang back and see what's being thrown at you, you can always make your move later.  Unless it's too late - geez, this is kind of complicated, there are no easy answers. 

Directed by: Michael Dowse (director of "Coffee & Kareem")

Also starring Daniel Radcliffe (last seen in "Kill Your Darlings"), Zoe Kazan (last seen in "She Said"), Adam Driver (last seen in "65"), Megan Park (last seen in "Central Intelligence"), Mackenzie Davis (last seen in "Terminator: Dark Fate"), Rafe Spall (last seen in "A Brilliant Young Mind"), Lucius Hoyos, Jemima Rooper (last seen in "Kinky Boots"), Tommie-Amber Pirie, Meghan Heffern (last seen in "Special Correspondents"), Jonathan Cherry (last seen in "goon: Last of the Enforcers"), Rebecca Northan (last seen in "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"), Jordan Hayes, Oona Chaplin (last seen in "The Devil's Double"), Adam Fergus (last seen in "The Call of the Wild"), Mike Wilmot (last seen in "The Art of the Steal"), George Tchortov (last seen in "Molly's Game"), Tamara Duarte, Vanessa Matsui (last seen in "The Smurfs 2"), Sarah Gadon (last seen in "A Royal Night Out") with archive footage of Kurt Russell (last seen in "The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two"), Cary Elwes (last seen in "The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare"), Robin Wright (last seen in "A Most Wanted Man") and the voice of Peter Falk (last seen in "Butterfly in the Sky"). 

RATING: 6 out of 10 Fool's Gold sandwiches (the story about Elvis Presley flying his entourage to Denver to get these is not verified, I mean, sure, Elvis tended to be a little extravagant, but all of the ingredients could have easily been obtained in Memphis, if not within Graceland already. Getting the staff at Graceland to make some would have been fairly easy.)