Ambulance

Year 17, Day 25 - 1/25/25 - Movie #4,925

BEFORE: Another film that I managed a screening of, but that was almost three years ago, in April 2022. This film has managed to fall through the cracks, again and again, or perhaps my linking just never circled around to it, that could happen. Anyway it's past time to clear it off the list, the film has long ago left cable, heck it was on AmazonPrime and it's somehow scrolled off of that as well.  Guys, that's not a good sign, if people were watching it then it would still be available, and it's not.  Sure, films come and go and films are streaming and then not, but films that people want to see tend to cycle back, and this one, not so much.  That is NOT a good sign. Oh well, I guess I have to watch the DVD I made, with no captions, that's going to make things a bit more difficult, but if this is a stinker, all the more reason to burn it off tonight. 

Eiza Gonzalez carries over from "The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare". It's been a quick month, and the February romance films are in sight - I got to some MAJOR films in January already, and I'm already 1/12 through the new year.  Progress has been made, for sure, but now I have to stop and watch THIS nonsense. 

THE PLOT: Two robbers steal an ambulance after their heist goes away. 

AFTER: Veteran Will needs money for his wife's surgery, so he hits up his brother (adopted, foster, or just brother from another mother? This is also unclear...) for a job, only to find out the only position available is on his bank-robbing crew.  Yes, this would have been a good time to exit the interview.  But for some reason Will agrees to help rob the bank, what could POSSIBLY go wrong?  Besides everything, that is. 

Everything here just feels like it's more trouble than it's worth - even with the millions that they stole from the bank, surely there must have been an easier way to do it. But even from a movie-watching standpoint, every twist in this story feels like pulling teeth, so that by the end you wonder if it was even worth doing in the first place. Is it worth stealing $18 million if everybody on your crew dies, except for two people?  Is it worth making your getaway in an ambulance if you have to deal with a goody-two-shoes EMT and a dying cop on a gurney? No, it probably is not. You can really feel the screenwriter here, making the lives of the main characters more and more difficult at every turn, to the point of outright insanity. I mean, you have to think even a bank robber would realize that if he turns himself in, he's got a chance at living, but to keep on compounding the problem with a high-speed chase, that's just plain nuts.  

The whole CITY is watching, there are police helicopters and news helicopters following this ambulance around, so really, how far are they going to get?  And OK, MAYBE they save the life of this cop who's been shot, but how many MORE police personnel and civilians die in the high-speed chase, all those car crashes, and several explosions?  And so many NITPICK POINTS tonight, like how did the Special Investigation cops get there so fast?  Were they meeting for coffee like a block away, or were they tipped off about the job?  No idea, and the movie doesn't bother to make this clear.

The bit when a woman gets on the elevator, and the thieves are wearing masks, and SHE'S wearing a mask, because of COVID.  And the bit with the multiple dummy ambulances, when the main ambulance hides under the highway and Danny somehow got the Hispanic community to have SIX ambulances flee the scene, so the cops don't know which one to chase.  It's a bit cartoonish, like where did they get all of those ambulances with the SAME exact design (because L.A. is a big city, and may use a few different types of ambulance, with different paint jobs) so no, it doesn't make any sense and then the movie still finds a way to make this stupid, but there's almost the essence of a good idea there.  Getting one of Danny's dimwit friends to show up to paint the ambulance is the worst idea of all time, because he only has bright neon green paint, and the point was to disguise the ambulance, not make it even EASIER to see.  Plus to do a real solid paint job that would HIDE the ambulance would take hours, and Danny only gives the guy 45 seconds, so the job looks like crap.  NITPICK POINT: Even if the guy could do a really solid paint job on the ambulance, it would still be shaped like an ambulance, so this numbskull idea was doomed from the start. 

So many other things don't make ANY sense here, like the fact that this ambulance is in motion for so long that the chop-shop guys Danny calls have the time to BUILD cars that will help them out, like remote-controlled cars that have remote-controlled pop-up machine guns in them. They did NOT have that one ready to go at the start, because how would they have known that they needed that?  This is some Wile E. Coyote shit here, because it's not normal, and it should have taken hours, if not DAYS, to build that.  And in all those hours, the entirety of the L.A. police force can't figure out how to put down a spike strip in this ambulance's path, or shoot out its tires or something?  Give me a break.  The ambulance could have been in San Francisco by the time they get it to stop. It should have run out of gas at some point, and we never see it refueling, oh, there's no time for that, but there's time to listen to Christopher Cross?  Dumb dumb dumb.

OK, maybe a point for showing that the lead FBI investigator is in a therapy session with his husband. Sure, it's a bit of forced DEI to say that a tough guy who's in charge of solving bank robberies in the L.A. federal district can also be gay, but it's as close to social progress as we're going to get here.  Still, I'd like to see the paperwork on this one.  Any social gains here are probably negated by being a token nod to the zeitgeist, not feeling genuine, and also not being relevant to the plot in any way - it's the equivalent of making sure your company's holiday commercial has a mixed-race couple in it, we all know why you're doing it and you're sure not very sincere about it. Also this same lead FBI investigator just happened to go to FBI training school with Danny, who was there for different reasons?  Come on, give me a break, what are the freakin' odds?

And what was the idea behind driving the ambulance down into that famous Los Angeles river causeway thing?  Sure, it looks cool when the helicopters fly down into it and chase the ambulance, but what was the plan?  We assume Danny had one, but we never learn what it was, as a result all he did was make the vehicle more visible to the cops and easier to track.  Driving down the highway in the wrong direction, same thing, the resulting risk outweighed any rewards for getting away from the police, temporarily.  Nah, sure, let's steal the most visible vehicle ever, the one with all the lights and sirens, because we can probably sneak away in that.  

A better solution might have been to, I don't know, stop the ambulance when they had a chance, maybe park it kind of close to a hospital so the injured cop has a fighting chance, and then, I don't know, maybe walk away quietly from the vehicle, just two guys carrying their gym clothes in bags and then getting to a diner where they sit quietly at a table and blend in for a few hours?  No way, not going to happen in a Michael Bay film, that's for sure. 

And if this movie feels ultra-long, like stretched out with no end in sight, it could be because it's based on a Danish film from 2005 that is a full hour shorter. That film was only 80 minutes long and shot all in one take, the cast and crew rehearsed for three months to work everything out so they would get the film made much more quickly. Yes, in many cases shorter is better.  The U.S. version was shot during the pandemic, which was a unique opportunity to shoot empty or nearly-empty streets in L.A., normally the traffic capital of the world. 

Also starring Jake Gyllenhaal (last heard in "Strange World"), Yahya Abdul-Mateen II (last seen in "Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom"), Garret Dillahunt (last seen in "Army of the Dead"), Keir O'Donnell (last seen in 'When in Rome"), Jackson White, Olivia Stambouliah, Moses Ingram, Colin Woodell (last seen in "The Call of the Wild"), Cedric Sanders (last seen in "The Social Network"), A Martinez (last seen in "An Accidental Studio"), Jesse Garcia (last seen in "The Mother"), Jose Pablo Cantillo (last seen in "Disturbia"), Wale Folarin, Devan Chandler Long, Randazzo Marc, Victor Gojcaj (last seen in "The Forger"), Briella Guiza, Brendan Miller (last seen in "Project X"), Remi Adeleke (last seen in "Plane"), Jamie McBride, Corey Portugal, Jenn Proske, Kayli Tran, Brendan Robinson (last seen in "The Do-Deca-Pentathlon"), Annabelle Gurwitch (last seen in "Pollock"), David Farcy, Stephen Resnick, Cici Lau (last seen in "Babylon"), Jesse Gabbard (last seen in "6 Underground"), McColm Cephas Jr. (last seen in "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"), Andy Favreau (last seen in "What's Your Number?"), Max Ferro, Charlotte Xia. 

RATING: 3 out of 10 surgeons on a zoom call (because that ambulance somehow has a great wifi connection as it speeds through the different zones of the city, and it never loses the signal...)

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare

Year 17, Day 24 - 1/24/25 - Movie #4,924

BEFORE: December is a great time for watching movies that are full of snow and everything, but it's so cold out now in January that it's an even better time for watching desert-based movies, like "Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga" and "Dune: Part Two".  What better way to feel warm than to visit the desert, even through a movie?  Tonight's World War II soldiers are going on a mission off the coast of Africa, so there's more desert potential here tonight, too.  OK, so it's not enough to be a week-long theme, it's just three days but still, it's a running motif. 

Babs Olusanmokun carries over from "Dune: Part Two".  

THE PLOT: The British military recruits a small group of highly skilled soldiers to strike against German forces behind enemy lines during World War II.

AFTER: This one plays like Guy Ritchie's take on "Inglourious Basterds" meets "Ocean's Eleven", or something like it, and really, it's nice to see Guy get out of London for once.  But the light-hearted violence remains, as a team of renegades and malcontents is put together to do what the British army can't, namely infiltrate a West African Nazi naval base that is responsible for re-stocking and re-supplying the U-boats (aka the German submarines, "U" is for "Untersee") that are sinking the ships delivering arms to the United Kingdom from the U.S. 

This is based on a true story (whether it really played out like this is anyone's guess) but the logic is solid, if you disable the supply boats, then the submarines can't get fuel, oil, or air filters, and then they won't be able to launch, and if they can't launch they can't sink ships, and if they can't sink ships, then America can enter World War II, or at least deliver weapons and other materials to the U.K. to aid in their war efforts. It's like that old saying about "For the want of a nail, the shoe was lost, for the want of a shoe, the horse was lost..." and so on up the chain.  Take away the little stuff and the big stuff can't function, or at least that's the theory. 

Winston Churchill puts this black ops mission together, and future spy novelist Ian Fleming maybe came up with it - while two Special Operatives take the train to the Spanish-controlled African island of Fernando Po, to gather intel and run a casino operation as a cover, commando Gus March-Phillips is tasked with assembling a ground team to sail down there and destroy the Italian supply ship, aboard a neutral Swedish fishing boat. Gus knows EXACTLY who he wants for his team, only one of those men got captured by the Gestapo and is being held at a Nazi base on the Canary Islands.  OK, so they have to make a little stop first, thankfully that island is on the way. 

Watching the four men rescue the fifth is a thing of beauty, it's like a symphony of destruction as the men work their way through this Nazi island base, taking them all by surprise and shooting them all with silent weapons - their guard is down, because who in their right mind would walk RIGHT INTO a Nazi base and just start shooting?  They upgrade their weapons along the way - because why not use the German's own machine guns against them?  And why not toss a few grenades into the command post, and look cool while doing it?  Guns, knives, bow and arrows, these guys will use everything and even do that cool thing where you grab your enemy by his gun and make him shoot his comrades?  (Who did this first in movies?  James Bond? John Wick? Somebody else?)

Once the team's all assembled, they head straight for West Africa, only they need to go the long way to avoid any Nazi ships OR any British ships, because there's a part of the British Navy that dislikes commoners getting involved in this war, and also there's a part of the British Parliament that actually wanted to SURRENDER the U.K. to Hitler, thinking they'd get off easy.  Ah, but Churchill knew better, he figured if you give Hitler what he wanted, he wouldn't stop, he'd only want more territory and more power. So it's Keep Calm and Carry On and endure the Blitz, it'll be worth it in the end, I assure you.  Trust in the team of ragtag mercenaries who are not officially sanctioned to get their secret "Mission: Impossible" done.  

Meanwhile, the two special ops, Marjorie and Heron, arrive and Marjorie sets her sights on the Nazi base commander, she masquerades as a dealer looking to buy gold, but also, as an attractive woman, she figures he'll be easy to seduce as well.  The Nazis did love their women, after all.  Heron talks up the harbor master at his bar and learns that the supply ship is going to depart three days earlier than they thought, so the team on the fishing boat are planning to arrive too late, so they have to send word via radio channels that the boat needs to take the shorter route closer to the coast of Africa, which is more dangerous. The fishing boat does get stopped by the British Navy, however a Nazi submarine attacks at the right moment and they're able to slip away to continue their mission. 

Two parties are planned at the casino, a costume party for the officers and a beerfest party for the rank and file.  What German soldier wouldn't want to spend the night at the pop-up beer hall, instead of guarding the ships that nobody ever, ever tries to sabotage?  So 90% of the German navy there goes to one party or another, which makes things a bit easier for the team.  Big problem, though, when they learn that the supply ship has been reinforced with heavy steel, so it's now quite impossible to blow up.  OK, new plan, instead of destroying the ship, they decide to steal the ship, and deliver it to those British navy vessels operating up and down the African coast. They can use the tugboats in the harbor to get the ship out to open water, and the explosives they brought can be used to blow up the ship's anchor to get it free. Then the team messes with all the speedboats in area, so the Nazis can't chase after the ship as it's being stolen, they can only watch as it sails away.  OK, nice pivot, but will the new plan work?  

This film bombed in the U.S. last April, it only grossed $27 million but its budget was about $60 million, so it's really doubtful there will be a sequel.  That's a shame, the real Gus March-Philips carried out several similar raids, so surely there are more of his exploits to detail.  Some of the other team members kept fighting the good fight after this, one became an accomplished spy who survived a year of Nazi torture but did not break, and Lassen (the big, hunky Danish guy) took part in more raids, also, until he died in 1945.  (Alan Ritchson, the actor who plays, Lassen, needs to be in more action movies STAT - he seems like he wants to be the next Dwayne Johnson or something, and he's got the muscles for it.  Like, WOOF!)

But then, I'm still hoping for a sequel to "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" and it's also very unlikely that would ever happen. I say bring Allan Quartermain back from the dead and have him played by a new actor, or if that's not possible, just adapt the sequel comic book series, with Dr. Jekyll, Mina Murray, Captain Nemo and the Invisible Man meeting up with John Carter, working for Mycroft Holmes and fighting Martians like "War of the Worlds" style. I would watch that.

Also starring Henry Cavill (last seen in "Deadpool & Wolverine"), Alan Ritchson (last seen in "The Wedding Ringer"), Alex Pettyfer (last seen in "Elvis & Nixon"), Eiza Gonzalez (last seen in "Godzilla vs. Kong"), Cary Elwes (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One"), Hero Fiennes Tiffin (last seen in "The Woman King"), Henry Golding (last seen in "A Simple Favor"), Rory Kinnear (last seen in "Man Up"), Til Schweiger (last seen in "The Replacement Killers"), Freddie Fox (last heard in "The Stones and Brian Jones"), James Wilby (last seen in "The Sense of an Ending"), Henrique Zaga (last seen in "The New Mutants"), Danny Sapani (last seen in "Black Panther: Wakanda Forever"), Matthew Hawksley (last seen in "Murder on the Orient Express"), Simon Paisley Day (last seen in "The Last Vermeer"), Mark Oosterveen, Victor Oshin, Alessandra Babalola, Orshuff Emmanuel Mele, Tim Seyfi, George Asprey (last seen in "Without Remorse"), Luca Marrocco, Paul Antony-Barber (last seen in "Hereafter"), Bikiya Graham Douglas, Nikolas Salmon, Mert Kilic, Russell Balogh (last seen in "The Little Mermaid" (2023)) with archive footage of Adolf Hitler (last seen in "The Real Charlie Chaplin").

RATING: 6 out of 10 glass bottles (used for target practice)

Dune: Part Two

Year 17, Day 23 - 1/23/25 - Movie #4,923

BEFORE: OK, I just watched the posted video of this morning's reading of the Oscar nominations for 2024's films, and even though I'm a day behind watching movies, I'm kind of right where I should be. "Dune: Part Two" got FIVE Oscar nominations, it may not be the most this year but hey, it's something. Nominated for Best Sound, Best Visual Effects, Best Cinematography, Best Production Design AND Best Picture, though 10 films were nominated and really, who knows which way that one's gonna go.  I think the only other nominated film, out of all the categories, that I've seen in "Inside Out 2", so I guess I don't really have my finger on the pulse after all, except where animation and FX are concerned.  In the other categories, big goose-egg for me, and with the romance chain coming up, there's really not a lot of time for me to change that, all I can do is keep a list of the nominees and get to them all somewhere down the road.  But, you know, I've got nominated films from the last three years that I haven't watched yet, like "Living" and "Aftersun" and "Poor Things", really, I can only do what I can do. 

I guess I'm all in on "Dune", like I can add the Elton John doc to my list but I won't get to it until June probably.  "Nosferatu" is a vampire movie so that's October for sure, that could link up with "Renfield" via Nicholas Hoult, but we'll have to wait and see. Even films like "Alien: Romulus" and "Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes", which are probably right up my alley seem to be very, very difficult to link to, so they're just going to have to wait. Sorry.  If it feels like I'm always playing "catch up", it's only because I am. 

Anyway, Anya Taylor-Joy carries over from "Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga", she's in here somewhere playing Paul Atreides' sister in a flash-forward or something. It's a cameo or an uncredited role, but my spies are everywhere and reported this back to me, let's hope they're right.  Oh, and Timothee Chalamet got an Oscar nom today, too, but for a different movie.  I was a few feet away from him outside the premiere of "A Complete Unknown", but I was working and there was someone who needed an ambulance, so that kind of took priority.  

THE PLOT: Paul Atreides unites with the Fremen while on a warpath of revenge against the conspirators who destroyed his family. Facing a choice between the love of his life and the fate of the universe, he endeavors to prevent a terrible future. 

AFTER: I could really have gotten here any number of ways, I could have linked here from "Brothers" or from "The Bikeriders", heck, I could have watched this last October between those other Dave Bautista movies like "Knock on the Cabin" and "Army of the Dead" - but consider there was just one path that got me here the way I wanted, and only one path that got me here on Oscar nomination day, and that's really something, I don't know exactly what it is, but it's what I've become used to after making these movie chains for so long.  I can just kind of FEEL when the chain is right, or at least I imagine that it's right. Signs along the way, even the bad movies are reference points - but are there really "bad" and "good" movies, or just movies that are my thing and those that are not?  

"Dune" may not be my all-time favorite sci-fi franchise, but I did read the original book when I was a kid, so for that reason alone, I definitely want to see this storyline play out.  What's great is that I remember how cool and twisty this plot was, but not well enough to remember every plot point, so even though I kind of know what's coming, the memories are not detailed enough to count as spoilers.  I'm right in that pocket of knowing this is cool and still able to be surprised. 

Too long in the middle - in fact this whole film is the middle part, which covers the training with the Fremen, learning how the sandworms work, and Paul planning his revenge on the Emperor for allowing the Harkonnens to take over the planet and kill Paul's father.  So this is all the boring stuff between the initial fight with the Harkonnens and the payback, which will be in the next film. So there's a lot that happens here, but it's mostly at a snail's pace, unfortunately. They could have thrown more than two battle scenes in here, the whole thing in the arena was some good action, but that was way too short.  It's a pacing problem more than anything else, because I think once all three movies are done it will take nine hours to watch them all in a row, and couldn't we cut that down just a bit?  

I know, I know, David Lynch once thought along those lines when he made the first adaptation back in the 1980's, and that turned out to be a very bad idea. SHOUT-out to the late David Lynch, because if he hadn't made (anonymously) such a bad, campy version of "Dune" then we might not have been able to appreciate the better one when it finally came along...

Maybe it's me, I'm just coming off of "Furiosa" which was wall-to-wall action scenes, one after the other, but MORE action crammed into a smaller space with less exposition. Now today's film is mostly exposition and training stuff, with a couple action scenes over a longer period of time.  Surely there must be some kind of proper ratio, maybe somewhere in-between? 

Wait, I'm wrong, there is no "Dune: Part Three" in the works. This film apparently covers the whole second half of the first book, but the director is talking about maybe adapting "Dune: Messiah" next, which I did NOT read, so if there is a third film, it will be full of surprises for me. I guess we'll find out in a couple years if that's going to happen, since Part Two made over the $500 million it needed to break even, it's certainly possible.  If not, they're going to kind of leave us hanging here, with Paul Atreideis taking down the Emperor, then heading into space to take the war to his enemies.  I got a bit confused because just when it looks like we're finally some full-on action, the movie just ends. I do remember some good battle scenes with Paul and the Fremen taking out the Harkonnens on Arrakis, so ultimately that was a good start, but we just may never see the end of that war on film. 

So if you've already read the book, or seen the earlier movie, you know what happens here. I can't really tell what's a spoiler and what isn't, because none of the "reveals" were all that revealing to me. But Paul trains with the Fremen, who are the native Arraki people who can ride those giant sand-worms and control them, to some degree.  The sand-worm are crucial to the production of spice, which is what enables inter-stellar transport, and also can be used to make a great cinnamon roll, I think. (I think the spice is worm poop, but what do I know?  They never exactly SAY that...). Here we also learn that the Water of Life, which is poisonous to most people but gives powers to the Fremen Reverend Mothers - Paul's mother, as a member of the Bene Gesserit (the mysterious women who can see the future and control everything) joins their ranks by drinking the Water of Life, but it nearly kills her at first.  Upside, she also gains the power to speak telepathically with her unborn daughter, who's just a fetus but still has some strong opinions. 

Paul falls in love with a local girl, Chani, while he learns the Fremen's language and their ways, and the Fremen debate whether he will turn out to be the savior from Off-World prophesized to lead their people to prosperity.  Paul doesn't want to be that savior their Mahdi, but that's exactly what their savior would say, he would be humble and learn from them until it was time to strike down their enemies. (Oh, it's comin', though...). Paul had been raised by his mother as a possible Kwisatz Haderach, which is another type of prophesized savior, only one foretold by those Bene Gesserits. This kid was raised to be one society's religious savior, but then before he can take that job, he ends up on the desert planet where he becomes this second society's potential savior.  You ever get the feeling this guy might actually amount to something, if he could just stop chasing the local girl?  

Not so fast, those Bene Gesserits are on a lot of different worlds, they decide that since Paul's no longer around, they need a new candidate for the Kwisatz Hederach, so they find one in the House of Harkonnen, Feyd-Rautha who is a famous gladiator and psychopath on his homeworld, which for some reason is filmed all in black and white - or maybe it just IS that way, their culture hasn't invented color just yet. Anyway, Feyd-Rautha is like the Paul Atreides of that world, he applies for the position and also, his uncle, Baron Vladimir also makes him the official ruler of Arrakis, because his big brother Rabban wasn't getting the job done. The Harkonnens want the spice and no trouble from the locals, and they're losing on both fronts. 

The Harkonnens attack the planet, big-time, and Paul is forced to travel to the south part of the planet (really, it's all one big sandbox, how do you even tell the north part from the south part?) and there he also drinks the Water of Life, even though it's poisonous to men. Sure enough, he falls into a coma and only his girlfriend's tears can bring him out of it. (Sappy, sure, but probably there's some chemical reason for this...). As a bonus for surviving, he also gains clairvoyant partners, and he can see the path to victory for the Fremen, and also a vision of the planet being green again, and not just a giant planet-sized desert.  This leads the Fremen to call him by yet another term, the Lisan al Gaib, yep, so that's THREE prophet or Messiah jobs this kid is qualified for - he's hogging all the jobs, there must be a bunch of unemployed messiahs out there somewhere in the universe...

More Harkonnen troops show up, and then the Emperor shows up with HIS troops, but they're no match for atom bombs and giant sandworms, I guess. Having used his new mental powers to figure out his mother's secret, and thus learning he's also descended from the Harkonnens himself, Paul kills the Baron and blackmails the Emperor, who was the one who decided that Paul's father should be killed. It's a stand-off, because Paul's threatening to destroy the spice fields with his nuclear weapons - the only way to settle this is a duel between Paul and his counterpart, Feyd-Rautha.  No spoilers, but come on, you can figure out who's going to come out on top here. (Will it be the white guy or the REALLY white guy?)

Also starring Timothée Chalamet (last seen in "Wonka"), Zendaya (last heard in "Space Jam: A New Legacy"), Rebecca Ferguson (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One"), Javier Bardem (last seen in "The Little Mermaid" (2023)), Josh Brolin (last seen in "Brothers"), Austin Butler (last seen in "The Bikeriders"), Florence Pugh (last seen in "Oppenheimer"), Dave Bautista (last seen in "Army of Thieves"), Christopher Walken (last seen in "Marvin Hamlisch: What He Did for Love"), Lea Seydoux (last seen in "No Time to Die"), Stellan Skarsgard (last seen in "Frankie & Alice"), Charlotte Rampling (last seen in "Never Let Me Go"), Souheila Yacoub, Roger Yuan (last seen in "Bulletproof Monk"), Babs Olusanmokun (last seen in "Dune: Part One"), Alison Halstead, Giusi Merli (last seen in "Love Wedding Repeat"), Kait Tenison (last seen in "Annette"), Tara Breathnach (last seen in "The Professor and the Madman"), Akiko Hitomi, Imola Gaspar, Joseph Beddelem (last seen in "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time"), Leon Herbert (last seen in "Alien 3"), Sima Rostami, Dylan Baldwin, Jordan Long (last seen in "The Gentlemen"), Billy Clements (last seen in "Meg 2: The Trench"), Steve Wall. 

RATING: 7 out of 10 ornithopters

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

Year 17, Day 22 - 1/22/25 - Movie #4,922

BEFORE: It's time for the fourth dystopian future movie for the month - and yes, it's another film that got cut from last year's chain due to time constraints, I could have easy linked here from the Super Mario Bros. Movie, but I don't recall if I could have linked OUT of this, so maybe that's why it was cut?  Who can even remember what happened last September.  Anyway, I made those cut films a priority for January 2025, and I think I'm going to get to all of them.  

Tom Hardy carries over from "The Drop", because they used footage of him from "Mad Max: Fury Road" during the end credits here, which the IMDB does not recognize as an "appearance" for some strange reason. I totally count archive footage, I use it as linking all the time between documentaries, so why should a fiction film be any different?  

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Mad Max: Fury Road" (Movie #2,593)

THE PLOT: The origin story of renegade warrior Furiosa before her encounter and teamup with Mad Max. 

AFTER: And this is the second movie this month giving us the entire background story for one character from the franchise, essentially this is the prequel to "Mad Max: Fury Road" but also another sequel to "Mad Max" at the same time. The series director, George Miller, had apparently mapped out extensive backgrounds for every character, but I guess there are only a few that you'd want to make a whole movie about.  Perhaps one day they'll make a prequel that explains the Immortan Joe character, I for one would really like to find out what "Immortan" means, because it kind of just seems like some scriptwriter misspelled "Immortal" and then didn't want to admit that.  

The ending here leads directly into "Fury Road", too, that's why there are clips of that movie during the credits of this one, to remind you what WILL happen after the events of this movie, in fact you've probably already seen that, unless you're approaching the series of films for the first time and you want to watch the films in the proper order.  However, there's really no set timeline for this series, they could make more movies and probably not care about the exact chronology, or whether there are a few mistakes and the timelines don't line up perfectly, because nobody really cares all that much, they just want to see an action-packed movie with some great stunts in it. 

These movies tend to be very exciting, they're kind of like if you took a biker gang movie and fused it with a monster truck rally, then those two things had a baby that was raised in the dystopian future where potatoes are currency, water is nearly non-existent, and blood is a handy source of protein and vitamins. Milk is still milk, but you probably don't want to know where it comes from, but really, you can milk any mammal. 

We think of this future as one giant desert, that's really all we've been shown in the previous "Mad Max" movies, set in the Australian outback some time after World War III, or whatever event brought civilization back to the start, with humans living in tribes again, and not anywhere that looks like it ever was a city.  Maybe the cities are all too polluted or radioactive or filled with mutants, because why else would you choose to live in the middle of freakin' nowhere?  But somehow Furiosa was raised someplace very near a forest, not a wasteland at all. This idyllic place is kept secret, but one day some bikers show up there and kill a boar, and when they find Furiosa tampering with their choppers they head for the hills, bikes loaded up with fresh meat and this young girl.  

Furiosa's mother follows them on a motorcycle of her own, and manages to kill several of them before they can present her daughter to Lord Dementus of the Biker Horde.  They escape, but when Furiosa's mother realizes she has to stay behind so her daughter can escape, she tells Furiosa to ride away and not look back. BUT she looks back, so she gets to witness her mother being crucified for not revealing the location of the secret forest wonderland. Dementus essentially adopts the young girl, because he lost his own children before this, however he's not exactly the World's Greatest Dad, also you know, he killed Furiosa's mother, so he's kind of starting with a big disadvantage when trying to win her over.  

Some time goes by, Dementus decides to attack this giant rock fortress, the Citadel - it's not really the secret forest he wanted, but they do have a lot of water and presumably some agriculture up on the penthouse level.  (We've seen this Citadel before in "Fury Road", only that before hasn't happened yet, again this is a prequel.). The Citadel is run by Immortan Joe (the albino guy who wears that cool skeleton-like mask all the time) and his army of War Boys (we've also seen them before, wait I mean after) and when Dementus can't take over the Citadel, he sets his sights on Gastown, an oil refinery that trades with the Citadel, food for "guzzoline".  Once Dementus controls the gas, he negotiates a better deal with the Citadel, really just raising the price of gas, what could be more normal than that?  It's called inflation, powered by supply and demand.  

But as part of the deal, Furiosa gets traded to Immortan Joe, who wants to add her to his stable of wives - and he also gets the Horde's doctor, the Organic Mechanic.  Sorry, did I say that potatoes were currency in this future?  I guess it's potatoes AND people, so in the future culture they kind of looped around back to slavery again, because, well, why not, nobody's saying they CAN'T have slaves, all those people who might have a problem with that are dead.  Furiosa manages to escape from Immortan Joe's son, who was about to get a little too rapey, and she hides in plain sight at the Citadel for years, disguised as a male worker.  She later finds work helping to build the War Rig, it's a weapon-loaded truck that can cross the desert and take you to Gastown or Bullet Farm or anywhere, really, except that's it for anywheres and the rest of the continent is one big nowhere. 

Joe sends the War Rig out and Furiosa tags along by hiding underneath it, which would only be a problem if the truck gets attacked by raiders when crossing the Wastelands. Which of course it will be, that happens in every single Mad Max movie.  A lot of War Boys die defending the truck, but so what, they have literally hundred of those young men, and they're not afraid to die, but it's a good thing Furiosa tagged along so she could help kill all the raiders and also gain the trust of Praetorian Jack, who eventually realizes that he should train this woman and this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, at least until one of them kills the other in their sleep.  

Meanwhile, Dementus learns that it's harder to manage an oil refinery than he thought, though it might have something to do with his name, he's either demented or has dementia (or maybe both), and so the place is kind of going under, plus his horde never cleans the restrooms so the place starts getting like really bad reviews on Yelp. Immortan Joe wants to attack Gastown, but first he needs Furiosa and Jack to drive out to the Bullet Farm and bring back a load of weapons and ammunition. But do they keep using the same truck for everything?  Wouldn't their vegetables and milk end up tasting like gunpowder or dynamite or something?  Are there no food safety standards in place in the future? 

But when they arrive at Bullet Farm in the War Rig, they learn that Dementus has just taken over THAT facility as well - so he's locked up some kind of monopoly on goods and services in the Outback, and at Gastown he put up one of those "No fuel for the next 500 miles" sign, so maybe business will improve.  Damn, why is everything in the Outback so far away from everything else?  Why is it a three-day drive at top-speed to get ANYWHERE in the future?  Oh, right, because apocalypse.  Eventually all the errands are done, but now Dementus has captured Jack and Furiosa, he has Jack killed by dragging for the entertainment of it all, and he chains her to a car so she can't escape without chopping off her own arm, so guess what she does...

Somehow Furiosa manages to make it back to the Citadel, and Dementus follows with all his troops, so now that the errands are all done, the real war can begin. Furiosa joins the battle after shaving her head (really, the only way filmmakers can think up to show that a woman's getting tougher and means business now) and she goes after the escaping Dementus, but he and his close servants pull the old "Hey, let's split up so she won't know who to follow..." trick.  Furiosa has the time and energy to follow all three, though, and so eventually she tracks down the man who killed her mother, and, well, what she does to him isn't pretty at all, killing would be too good for him, instead she wants him to endure years of pain and suffering.  Well, as long as she gets some sense of closure, if not, that would just eat at her for the rest of her life. 

So Chris Hemsworth wears an outrageous fake nose here and an even more outrageous (natural?) accent. And Anya Taylor-Joy's character grows up to look like bald Charlize Theron?  Eh, OK, whatever, I'll allow it. 

Also starring Anya Taylor-Joy (last heard in "The Super Mario Bros. Movie"), Chris Hemsworth (last seen in "Stan Lee"), Tom Burke (last seen in "The Wonder"), Alyla Browne (last seen in "Three Thousand Years of Longing"), Lachy Hulme (ditto), George Shevtsov (ditto), David Collins (ditto), Quaden Bayles (ditto), Peter Stephens (ditto), Anna Adams (ditto), Danny Lim (ditto), John Howard (last seen in "Mad Max: Fury Road"), Robert Jones (ditto), Lee Perry (ditto), Richard Norton (ditto), Ripley Voeten (ditto), Ben Smith-Petersen (ditto), Jon Iles (ditto), Angus Sampson (last seen in "Next Goal Wins"), Charlee Fraser, Elsa Pataky (last seen in "Thor: Love and Thunder"), Nathan Jones (last seen in "Conan the Barbarian"), Josh Helman (last seen in "Animal Kingdom"), David Field (last seen in "The Rover"), Rahel Romahn, Goran D. Kleut (last seen in "Fantasy Island"), Ian Roberts (ditto), Josh Randall (ditto), C.J. Bloomfield, Matuse, Guy Spence, Clarence Ryan, Tim Burns, Tim Rogers, Florence Mezzara, Sean Millis, Dylan Adonis, David Barnett, Peter Sammak, Karl Van Moorsel, Dawn Klingberg, Stephen Amadasun, Nick Annas, Matthew Van Leeve, Shane Dundas, Jacob Tomuri (last seen in "Peter Pan"), Bryan Probets (last seen in "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales"), Darcy Bryce (last seen in "Hacksaw Ridge"), Chudier Gatwech, Shivanta Wijesinha, Spencer Connelly, Toby Fuller, Jayden Irving, Jesse Turner (last seen in "Elvis"), Harrison Norris, Ash Hodgkinson, Sean Renfrey, Kelli Bailey,

with archive footage of  Hugh Keays-Byrne (also last seen in "Mad Max: Fury Road"), Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (ditto), Richard Carter (last seen in "Muriel's Wedding"), Courtney Eaton (last seen in "Gods of Egypt"), Nicholas Hoult (last seen in "Deadpool & Wolverine"), Riley Keough (last seen in "Under the Silver Lake"), Zoe Kravitz (last seen in "Allegiant"), Abbey Lee (last seen in "The Dark Tower"), Charlize Theron (last seen in "The Yards"),

RATING: 6 out of 10 sandstorms

The Drop

Year 17, Day 21 - 1/21/25 - Movie #4,921

BEFORE: I'm still on track to finish January on time, I may double-up one night to get more films in, or I can drop one from the schedule, my choice.  We'll see how I feel next week as February 1 draws closer.  Tom Hardy carries over from "The Bikeriders". This is another film that was scheduled into the chain in 2023, but got dropped when my plans changed, or maybe I just ran out of slots and I had to get from "Night Falls on Manhattan" straight to my Thanksgiving movies. 

It's freaking cold in NYC, like the high is 19 degrees today - so naturally I had to go in to Manhattan early and deliver a box of receipts from my office to my boss's accountant, 12 blocks away.  Then I had to get down to my other job before 2 pm, but I still had time for a nice hot sit-down lunch at a Cuban restaurant in between.  It's important to eat a big lunch, it helps you stay warm, and then I'll be cashing in my Dunkin reward points today to get a free large coffee.  I'm working the Video Game Awards tonight, there's a party after so I'll probably be working until midnight, then I don't know how I'm going to fit in a movie tonight after that, but I'll try.  I don't want to fall behind again. 

THE PLOT: Bob Saginoski finds himself at the center of a robbery gone awry and entwined in an investigation that digs deeply into the neighborhood's past - where friends, families and foes all work together to make a living, no matter the cost. 

AFTER: This is based on short story from Dennis Lehane, who also wrote the books that became the movies "Mystic River", "Gone Baby Gone" and "Shutter Island".  He also wrote episodes of "The Wire" and "Boardwalk Empire", so yeah, I guess maybe the guy knows a thing or two about crime stories.  But this really is an average crime movie at best, perhaps elevated by Tom Hardy, who's great at playing tough guys, also I kind of get the feeling from him that he could play the guy on the corner begging for money just as easily.  This Bob Saginowski guy is kind of a combination of the two, like he's a mostly regular guy who's sometimes confused about life, but there's a lot more going on under the surface, he's capable of getting violent if he has to protect someone or something.  That duality here is probably the most interesting thing about the movie, when they hint that Bob might have killed somebody in the past, and so therefore if he's pushed too far, who knows what could happen?  

The gimmick here is that one bar is used as a weekly "drop" for NYC's criminals, and the location keeps changing, so the police can never track all this money. Is this a real thing? In Boston, maybe, but New York? It seems like mobsters would be taking a big chance, trusting all these bartenders and servers making minimum wage with handling thousands of dollars of their money. There's no ledger, no record-keeping, so it's just envelopes full of cash that get put into a secret safe under the bar, and then transported out days later in a hollow beer keg. I'm not saying that something like this doesn't happen, I'd just like to see the paperwork on the research, that's all. 

Bob runs the bar for Marv, who used to own the place, but apparently now the gangsters own the bar and have graciously let them keep their jobs as a cover.  Well, I guess that's job security, because the Chechen mob's not going anywhere anytime soon. Even if the bar's not turning a profit, I guess this way it's still going to stay open, again, I'm not saying this doesn't happen, it may explain that neighborhood bar you know that always seems to be empty?  

This got really confusing for me near the end, like I could follow it up to a certain point. I picked up on the fact that Marv hired the robbers to steal money from his own bar, but does that really make sense?  He knew that the Chechens would want that money back, one way or the other, so it should have been easy for him to figure out that his plan was NOT a good idea, because he'd eventually have to give that money back, or make up for it in some other way.  Would you spend all your money that you got on payday if you knew you needed it to pay your bills at the end of the month?  It's irresponsible of Marv to put his own life (and Bob's) on the line by robbing his own bar.  Why not rob one of the other bars that's used as The Drop next week?  Maybe Marv just wasn't thinking far enough ahead?  

Meanwhile, Bob becomes a dog owner, he finds a beat-up pit bull in a woman's garbage can, and he doesn't realize that the dog was left there as a message from her ex-boyfriend, who comes around to threaten Bob later. Gee, who could have imagined that leaving a hurt puppy in someone's trash doesn't make them want to get back together with you?  Really, what was his plan there?  The ex claims that the puppy has a chip in it (probably not) and he's got a license that shows he's the real owner of the dog (also, probably not) and he wants $10K for the paperwork or he'll tell the cops that Bob has his dog. 

Bob finds a bag outside the bar with most of the money in it, though there's also a body part in the bag and it's literally blood money now. Marv launders the money (again, literally) and Bob somehow knows a bit too much about how to improperly dispose of an arm, which involves a lot of plastic wrap and a trip to the pier.  They give the money back to the Chechens (which is also a bit weird, because they think the Chechens tracked down the money, then left it at the bar so they could get it back?  Why didn't they just KEEP it at that point?  Anyway they're square with the Chechens, so the mobsters say they want to use THIS bar again as a drop on Super Bowl weekend.  Umm, sure, again, not following the logic here, the bar got robbed the last time it was used as a drop, so sure, use it again on the busiest drinking and gambling weekend of the year?  

Marv lost his two robbery guys, so he hires a new recruit to try and rob the bar AGAIN on Super Bowl Weekend. Are you kidding me?  Marv only JUST got out of trouble after being threatened by the Chechens, plus he already KNOWS that if the bar gets robbed, that doesn't matter to them and he'll still owe them for whatever he gives to the robbers.  So, yeah, sure, if at first you don't succeed, just try the same dumb plan over again, I guess?  Maybe learn what didn't work, change the plan up, or wait a few months so the bosses don't put two and two together?  I'm just sayin'...Marv is really stupid, I suppose. 

I guess that makes Bob the smart one, or at least the last guy standing, which is essentially the same thing. Hey, he found a way to stay on the mobsters' good side, and also Nadia's ex-boyfriend is history, so there's a clear path to some form of happiness, maybe?  Good luck with all that. 

Also starring Noomi Rapace (last seen in "Child 44"), James Gandolfini (last seen in "Night Falls on Manhattan"), Matthias Shoenaerts (last seen in "Far from the Madding Crowd"), John Ortiz (last seen in "American Fiction"), Elizabeth Rodriguez (last seen in "Side Effects"), Michael Aronov (last seen in "Operation Finale"), Morgan Spector (last seen in "All Is Bright"), Michael Esper (last seen in "The Creator"), Ross Bickell (last seen in "The Fighter"), James Frecheville (last seen in "Animal Kingdom"), Tobias Segal (last seen in "John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum"), Patricia Squire (last seen in "The Many Saints of Newark"), Ann Dowd (last seen in "Rebecca"), Chris Sullivan (last seen in "The Normal Heart"), Scott Johnsen (ditto), Lucas Caleb Rooney (last seen in "Late Night"), Jeremy Bobb (last seen in "Under the Silver Lake"), James Colby (last seen in "The Company Men"), Mike Houston (last seen in "Joker: Folie à Deux"), Michael O'Hara (last seen in "The Wolf of Wall Street"), David Brown (last seen in "Summer of Sam"), Jessica Tate, John Di Benedetto (also last seen in "Night Falls on Manhattan"), Robert Turano (last seen in "The Goldfinch"), Erin Darke (last seen in "Kill Your Darlings"), Khan Baykal (last seen in "Duplicity"), Jack Dimich, Danny McCarthy (last seen in "The Amityville Horror" (2005)), Cathy Trien. 

RATING: 4 out of 10 Christmas decorations (still up on December 27!)

The Bikeriders

Year 17, Day 20 - 1/20/25 - Movie #4,920

BEFORE: It's another one of those confluences, like we had last year.  Remember when Valentine's Day was also Ash Wednesday and Easter was also Transgender Acceptance Day and the conservatives lost their damn minds?  That continued all through the year, in smaller ways, but you know, I guess every day is some day, like they have National Donut Day and National Hot Dog Day and there are obscure holidays from other countries all over the calendar.  It's not like we have 365 days in a year and the ability to spread these holidays out more...

Anyway, it's both Inauguration Day AND Martin Luther King Day, I'm afraid I don't have anything appropriate for the latter, I watched "Civil War" in honor of the first thing though.  Well, I think this film is set back in the 1960's, I guess that's sort of almost like a tribute to MLK. I'm in the right time-frame, maybe then I can be in the right frame of mind, too. Well, I always managed to not celebrate Black History Month with my movies, because I'm always deep in the romance chain, that overlap is not my fault BUT I do watch movies like "Rustin" and "Selma", just not in February, I've given myself a pass. 

Karl Glusman carries over again from "Civil War". 

THE PLOT: After a chance encounter, Kathy is drawn to Benny, member of the Midwestern motorcycle club the Vandals. As the club transforms into a dangerous underworld of violence, Benny must choose between Kathy and his loyalty to the club. 

AFTER: I don't have a lot to say tonight, because I don't have any experience with motorcycles, I was barely alive in the 1960's so I don't really grok the hippie movement or the Anti-Vietnam protest stuff, I was just way too young. This movie is really lucky to be part of the chain, because it doesn't seem like it's something I would choose to watch on my own, it was selected for this slot mainly due to its linking capacity - I can get to Tom Hardy, which gets me to "Furiosa", which gets me to "Dune: Part Two".  Hey, today's film ALSO links to the "Dune" sequel via Austin Butler, but if I go straight there from here I'm going to miss a couple Tom Hardy films, one of which has been dropped from the countdown several times, I'll handle that one tomorrow. 

But as for the stories of the members of a biker gang, as told to a writer via interviews, I'm sorry, but who the hell cares?  OK, maybe if you were an adult back then and you want to feel nostalgic for that time, great, knock yourself out, but I was just a baby and I (sort of) remember the moon landing on TV, but that doesn't really make sense because I was under a year old at the time, there's no way I should have that memory.  Most likely I've seen it depicted in so many movies and the story's been told by so many other people about watching that footage, it's probably a false memory in my mind. 

This is a story about Kathy Bauer, a woman who one day finds herself drinking in a club where the motorcycle gang the Vandals hangs out, and she's not attracted to any of them - except one, Benny. Sparks fly, he follows her home and when that stops being creepy, she marries him five weeks later. Say it with me - "What could POSSIBLY go wrong?"  Were there red flags?  Sure, but we'll deal with that sort of thing during the February romance chain. Can these two crazy kids make things work when she (eventually) wants a normal life and he gets tired of being the hothead guy who both starts fights AND finishes them?  Plus the gang is always going off on these hundred-mile road trips for days at a time and their parties are all just drinking, drag racing and fighting, not necessarily in that order.  To be fair, any frat parties during that time were probably just as wild - but even though I love a party just as much as the next guy, I just didn't enjoy the parties depicted here, and not just because they always seemed to end in violence. Hey, I prefer to go to beer festivals where there is just as much drinking, NO drag racing (I even get home by public transit) and fighting is NOT encouraged, it's 99% a happy atmosphere.  We even say, "If you can't make friends at a beer festival, there's something the F*CK wrong with you..."

The club goals are fairly pointless, just drink and cause mayhem - this is not really a civic organization designed to raise money for charity or register people to vote. So I think that spirit carries over to the movie, without a clear plotline, the movie ends up being just as pointless as the motorcycle club it depicts. Johnny is the club president, and what Johnny says goes, you might think of the other members kind of like the President's cabinet, if you will. But this is a President who makes up the rules as he goes along, is always looking for a fight or to badmouth someone, and really just wants to eat, drink and destroy things. (Hmm, does that sound like any other Presidents we know?). If anyone should disagree with the club president, they're free to challenge his leadership, but this is always settled with either fists or knives, and Johnny usually comes out on top.  

The club expands to have chapters throughout the Midwest, and they also hook up with biker gangs from other cities for drinking or fighting or, ideally, both. Problems arise when Benny wears his gang colors into a bar that doesn't allow that, and two bouncers or very large patrons beat him up, drag him outside and beat him up some more, he almost loses his foot as a result. Johnny brings the whole biker gang to that bar to learn the names of the offenders, and while some gang members track them down and break their legs, the others burn down the bar where it happened. Well, it's good to know they've got reasonable ways to deal with this sort of thing. 

Kathy wants Benny to quit the club, move to Florida and work as a mechanic, while Johnny wants Benny to stick around, he even offers him leadership of the club when he dies or decides to step down, but Benny's caught in the middle and can't seem to decide either way. Meanwhile a young kid called "The Kid" wants to join the group with his friends, but Johnny only offers him membership if he abandons his friends.  When The Kid does that, Johnny turns him down, because he doesn't want anyone in the club who would abandon their friends so quickly, so that was a test and The Kid failed.  Well, Johnny's got a point, if he'd bail on his friends wouldn't he be likely to bail on the other club members when they needed him? 

Six years later, the interviewer tracks down Kathy again, and gets an update on what happened with the gang, who's still around and who's still gone?  Yeah, it's not good for some members, they made bad decisions, or some had fatal accidents, some tried to leave the gang (a mistake) or worse, stuck around too long (another mistake). Geez, it's almost like being in a motorcycle gang is inherently a bad idea or something. You take all these burn-outs who didn't fit in anywhere else and put them together, so they kind of fit in for a while, but then they get on each other's nerves and before you know it, they're killing each other.  So at some point, Benny did leave for Florida, but you know, he's doing really well down there, he doesn't miss the biker gang life at all...

This film actually has festival cred, it opened up in Telluride in August, 2023, but then its theatrical release was delayed by that SAG-AFTRA strike, like what's the point of releasing a film if the cast is prevented from promoting it?  So it finally got distribution in November 2023, and a theatrical release in 2024. Honestly I don't really feel it was worth all that effort, it's a film that starts out OK but then really goes nowhere, it just kind of sits there and revs the engine a few times, but when it's time to roll, it stalls out, to continue the metaphor too long.  So it's not really my thing, but as I always say, your mileage may vary. 

Also starring Austin Butler (last seen in "Elvis"), Jodie Comer (last seen in "The Last Duel"), Tom Hardy (last seen in "Stuart: A Life Backwards"), Michael Shannon (last seen in "13"), Mike Faist (last seen in "West Side Story"), Boyd Holbrook (last seen in "In the Shadow of the Moon"), Damon Herriman (last seen in "Son of a Gun"), Beau Knapp (last heard in "The Guilty"), Emory Cohen (last seen in "All Is Bright"), Toby Wallace, Norman Reedus (last seen in "The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day"), Happy Anderson (last seen in "The New Mutants"), Paul Sparks (last seen in "Thoroughbreds"), Will Oldham (last seen in "Junebug"), Nathan Neorr (last seen in "The Old Man & The Gun"), Mierka Girten, Paul Dillon (last seen in "On the Road"), Valerie Jane Parker (last seen in "The Last Summer"), Tony Donno (last seen in "Arsenal"), Michael Endoso (last seen in "Stuber"), Rachel Lee Kolis, Phuong Kubacki (last seen in "We Have a Ghost"), Erin Scerbak (last seen in "An American Pickle"), Andrew Riley Stephens, Forba Shepherd (last seen in "Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile"), David Myers Gregory (last seen in "White Noise"), Michael Abbott Jr. (last seen in "The Death of Dick Long"), Maggie Cramer, Steve Marvel, Radek Lord (last seen in "Girlfriend's Day"), Anna Sheridan with archive footage of Marlon Brando (last seen in "Rock Hudson: All That Heaven Allowed"), Elizabeth Montgomery, Agnes Moorehead, Dick York. 

RATING: 5 out of 10 jean jackets with no sleeves

Civil War

Year 17, Day 19 - 1/19/25 - Movie #4,919

BEFORE: Karl Glusman carries over from "Reptile". And I'm back on track now, because this is where Jesse Plemons was supposed to carry over from "Killers of the Flower Moon", only I had to pull that film from the chain because no footage of Robert De Niro was used in "Joker: Folie à Deux". But I have to believe that the chain knows what it's doing, it has a mind of its own, you see, which is perhaps a partial reflection of my own mind. That hiccup pushed today's film one day closer to the Inauguration Day for our 47th President, who happens to be the same guy as our 45th President. Could we, and work with me here, possibly get some insight into our own dystopian future by watching this movie?  Fore-warned is fore-armed, right?  OK, so raise the barricades and batten down the hatches, impose a media blackout, because I'm going in...

No, for real, we're expecting snow here in NYC so we're going to need those barricades, I'm about ready to hunker down for a few days and not go anywhere, except on emergency grocery runs. I have taken steps to make sure I don't have another interruption of service caused by archive footage not being there when I need it, three films from now I'm really counting on a certain actor appearing in mid-credits archive footage, and so I took a peek at those credits, and yes, Thank God, yes, he's there. Now, the IMDB does not consider archive footage during closing credits as an official "appearance" (I learned that after "Deadpool & Wolverine"), but for my purposes, it should serve just fine. I think I may have to one day take over IMDB just like Elon Musk did with Twitter, just to get things listed the way I want them to be.  

THE PLOT: In a dystopian future, four journalists travel across the U.S. during a nation-wide conflict. While trying to survive, they aim to reach the White House to interview the president before he is overthrown. 

AFTER: Perhaps programming five dystopian future films in one month is a bit too much - I'm feeling burned out already, and I've only watched three of them. But we're at something of a unique moment in history right now, which is kind of like dancing on the edge of a cliff, and right now we just don't know which way this crazy thing called America is going to go. Trump said he would be like a "dictator on Day One", which is, umm, tomorrow so if that's the case, well, democracy had a good run, I guess. See you on the other side, I wish we could afford that four-year cruise around the world that gets you back just in time to vote in 2028 but it's just a BIT outside our price range. I guess I've got no choice but to join the resistance and become a freedom-fighter, can I do that remotely, without leaving home?  If you're reading these words it means they haven't shut me down yet, I'll continue broadcasting from the underground as long as I can. When I'm silenced, you'll know that the establishment has won but until then, STAY OFF the internet!  They're tracking you and they can hear everything we say, until now they've only used that power to send you Facebook ads based on your conversations, but very soon, those recorded conversations will be used to separate out the undesirables and take them away to internment camps.  

To be fair, they never name the President here, he's not Drumpf or Schmump or anything other than an allegory or amalgam, but he is played by Nick Offerman. I think that's great casting, like normally I'd approve of Nick Offerman as President, he seems like a solid guy, very funny, family man, a carpenter, outdoorsman, somebody you'd want to have a beer with who probably also built the table that you would rest that beer on. But he also plays pompous very well, and so he's a great choice for the unnamed President here who is somehow serving his third term, and dealing with the fact that California and Texas seceded from the Union and formed the Western Republic, and now they're rallying their forces for a coup, about to make the final push toward Washington DC, where the President is holed up in the White House, or maybe the barricaded Lincoln Memorial.  All of the reporters left in the free press (which isn't many) now need to make their way to the capitol to try to capture the photo of the century. 

Guys, this could happen. You-know-who does not surrender power easily, he wouldn't admit his loss in 2020, he still won't, and he wouldn't rest until he got back in power.  Now the gloves are off, and, OK, maybe I'm wrong, maybe he'll pardon himself on Day One for any and all crimes, and then just play golf and eat Big Macs for another four years. Right now that would be the BEST-case scenario, and OK, fine, bring on the Bird Flu pandemic (or COVID-24 or monkeypox, whichever) because I could use another round of unemployment checks, if I'm being honest. There are ALREADY people saying that Trump could qualify for a third term because he's both the 45th AND 47th President, and even though he's the same guy, he's entitled to two terms as Number 47. That's not how it works, an individual can only serve two terms, or ten years max (if they were a VP that ascended by the death of a President) but his supporters are already looking for that loophole. I present the case of Michael Bloomberg, who as mayor of NYC ran on a platform that established a two-term limit for mayors, including himself, and then all he did was change his affiliation from Republican to Independent to become eligible for a third term, which he GOT.  It's funny how the people who make the rules sometimes also feel those rules do not apply to themselves.  Bloomberg's excuse was that there was a financial crisis and only he could solve it, and Trump's famous for saying something similar - "I, alone can fix it." so it's not hard to see that there could be a justification in the future that bends those rules over backwards to produce the desired result.  

In this film, we really don't know what came first - the President's third term or the succession of the Western states. But we can see how one maybe led to the other, the President could have easily said that there's a war on, so a change in leadership would be very, very bad - George W. Bush pulled that one, and HE started the war!  OK, Cheney did, but you know what I mean.  If there were other issues that caused the Texas-California alliance, the film annoyingly doesn't mention what they are, but the idea of California secession has been around for a while, since their economy is actually larger than many countries in the world, California could probably make a go of things, without having to kick up to the Federal government. Right now Los Angelenos are all pointing out what percentage of their incomes they're paying in taxes only to not get the services they need while their houses are burning down. SO yeah, this could happen, I'm totally on board.  

But we're not here to talk about real-world politics today, because the film is really just a road-trip through the Forbidden Zone, much like "How It Ends" last year, only that trip was across the U.S. in another direction, for different reasons. The framework's the same, a few people with divergent backgrounds have to team up to drive across hostile territory while avoiding soldiers, well-armed local rebels and the overall collapse of society to reach another city on a deadline. Maybe not all of them are going to make it, but gosh darn it, they've got to try.  This time, we've got three veteran journalists and one newbie, who says she's 23 but she looks like she's 13. For the record, the actress was 25, so yeah, I'm wrong here but she still looks very young to me. Maybe everyone under 30 just looks like a teenager to my old-ass eyes. But her whole deal is that she's inexperienced and hasn't seen yet JUST how cruel people can be to each other, and we're all going to see that through her eyes.  

You'd be surprised (or, maybe not) what atrocities regular people are willing to commit because somebody else appears to not uphold the same belief system, and though here that's not based on race or religion or sexual orientation, it's still not a far leap to imagine people setting each other on fire or blowing each other up. We know that it happens, just look at the news. And we know there are paramilitary groups out there who are just as well armed as our armed forces, maybe even better, they just fly under the radar. I hope that I'm wrong about this, really, but it's possible this film director, Alex Garland, knows what he's talking about. He also wrote "28 Days Later", "Never Let Me Go" and "Sunshine", then directed "Ex Machina" and "Annihilation", so he's spent some serious time thinking about the future, if not time-traveling there. 

That being said, my wife woke up last night after a bad dream and came downstairs, she watched the first 10 minutes of "Civil War" and that was enough for her. The premise wasn't enough for her to stick with it, but I'm glad she got to see a bit of President Offerman NotTrump. And this morning (OK, afternoon) when I asked her if she wanted to know what happened, there was really no need. She took a guess as to how the movie was going to play out, then she nailed it in one - and she doesn't watch 300 movies a year like I do - so that's my evidence that this plot might be a little predictable. It sets up the ending in the very beginning, then it does what it said it was going to do, and like those reporters, we just HAVE to see it to believe it, but that doesn't mean we don't know it's coming. It's kind of like Seal Team Six going after Bin Laden, it can really only end one way. She also correctly guessed what would happen on that road trip, and who would end up taking THE picture on the (for some reason) antiquated film-based cameras that people are still using in the future. Look, I don't know if you heard, but photography is all digital now, there's simply no need to carry around developer and film stock. (Tell me you're a 55-year-old movie director without telling me...)

In those days after the election last November, as I was searching for any glimmer of hope, really, I would have taken anything at all, I got myself to a place where I thought, "Maybe, just maybe, this outcome averts a Civil War, that seemed to be where we were headed, and half the country is disappointed now and the other half got what they wanted, but will be disappointed later."  Sure, it's not much, but it kept me going for a little while. The future is a tricky thing - always in motion, the future is. We start finding out tomorrow about the impending apocalypse, just please, keep your minds clear because whatever you think about, that's the form that the Destructor is going to take, we learned that from "Ghostbusters". I made it through eight years of Reagan, I made it through eight years of Bush/Cheney, and god willing, I'll make it through another four years of Trump. But if he somehow gets a third term, I swear it, I'm joining the Resistance. OK, good talk, let's circle back to this in four years time and see where we are. 

Also starring Kirsten Dunst (last seen in "The Bling Ring"), Wagner Moura (last heard in "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish"), Nick Offerman (last seen in "Me and Earl and the Dying Girl"), Jefferson White, Nelson Lee (last seen in "Mulan" (2020)), Evan Lai, Cailee Spaeny (last seen in "How It Ends" (2021)), Stephen McKinley Henderson (last seen in "Beau Is Afraid"), Vince Pisani (last seen in "Jungle Cruise"), Greg Hill (last seen in "Operation Finale"), Edmund Donovan, Tim James, James Yaegashi (last seen in "Man on a Ledge"), Melissa Saint-Amand (last seen in "The Tomorrow War"), Jared Shaw (ditto), Jin Ha, Sonoya Mizuno (last seen in "Crazy Rich Asians"), Jojo T. Gibbs, Justin Garza, Brian Philpot, Tywaun Tornes, Juani Feliz (last seen in "The Purge: Election Year"), Justin James Boykin (last seen in "Black Panther: Wakanda Forever"), Jess Matney, Simeon Freeman, Alexa Mansour, Martha B. Knighton (last seen in "The Do-Over"), with a cameo from Jesse Plemons (last seen in "The Homesman"). 

RATING: 5 out of 10 bullet-ridden Christmas decorations (seriously, WTF?)