BEFORE: See, I told you I'd get back to school-based movies, it's just a week later than I originally planned, thanks to Jason Statham. But that did push school films like today's and tomorrow's into September, that's a good thing, as long as I can still connect with horror films on October 1. Today's film is also a monster-based film, which suggests October, and it does link to one or two horror movies, but come on, it's a cartoon for kids, and I need it to make the linking work here. I could also have fit "Blockers" in before this one, with Geraldine Viswanathan carrying over and then Ramona Young making the connection to "Ruby Gillman", but I need that film to make a different connection in about three weeks. So that one goes THERE and this one goes HERE, OK?
Colman Domingo carries over from "Drive-Away Dolls".
THE PLOT: A shy adolescent learns that she comes from a fabled royal family of legendary sea creatures and that her destiny lies in the depths of the waters, which is bigger than she could have ever imagined.
AFTER: Ugh, I did not enjoy this one at all. I realize I'm outside the film's target market, being a 55-year old man who is child-FREE (not child-LESS, I am not missing anything) and I really feel for the poor parents who have to endure crap like this when they show it to their kids. Really, start the movie and just walk away, I promise, you're not missing anything. I couldn't take the main character's incessant whining in the first 10 minutes alone, she complains about being a kraken and also about not being able to go to prom, because at Oceanside High prom is held on a boat, and she's been told by her mother that she can't risk touching the water, or bad things will happen. Umm, OK, but then, like how does she take a shower or a bath?
Then the next part is about her wanting to ask some boy named Connor that she tutors in math to go to the prom, he's cool because he's got big curly hair and skateboards, though I think maybe nobody skateboards any more, they really should have checked on that before making the film. At least I know it's not cool any more, people may still do it but they're big losers. Anyway first she can't go to prom because her parents forbid it, but then she IS going to prom because she's decided it's too important (Terrible Message for the Kids, just don't listen to your parents when they forbid you to do something) so she WILL go and she wants to ask Connor, but then she can't because she's too shy, and OH MY GOD will you just do something, ask him or don't ask him, I really don't care - but PLEASE stop being ambivalent about it.
Her prom-posal is a disaster and Connor falls in the ocean, because the whole town is one giant pier or something, and so she's forced to jump in and save him doing EXACTLY the one thing she was told she must never do, and as a result she turns from a regular-sized Kraken into a giant monster Kraken, and she can no longer pass for human, so umm, I guess she can forget about going to prom. Thank God THAT got resolved. Her transformation somehow summons her uncle Brill, and her mother is able to calm her down to normal human size, and so we learn that all the women in her family have this ability, and also her uncle lets slip that she also has a grandmother who is Queen of the Krakens. There are apparently a lot of things that Ruby's mother has not told her about their familly. (Another Terrible Message, if there's a secret in your family that you're uncomfortable talking about, just never bring it up, there's no way that could have any bad repercussions. There you go, bottle up your feelings. Push it down, way down.)
Ruby goes to seek out her grandmother, Queen of the Krakens, to learn more about her heritage, because even after admitting that she SHOULD have told Ruby some things, her mother still doesn't tell her anything, which is an odd story choice. As soon as a character says, "There are some things I should have told you..." that should IMMEDIATELY be followed by the telling of those things, because now that character has admitted that holding back the information was a mistake. So, therefore, Ruby has a right to know some things, so maybe now is a good time to tell her those things? Apparently not.
Returning home, Ruby is still a giant Kraken and is hunted by the town sea captain (and bus/ship tour guide) Gordon Lighthouse. (OK 1 point for that name) but she's saved by Chelsea, the new girl from school, who is herself secretly a mermaid. Krakens and mermaids supposedly have a deep rivalry here, but it's not what you think, the mermaids are the bad ones. (Take that, Disney!). Chelsea suggests that she and Ruby have a "Super Sea Girl Ditch Day", and that's Terrible Message for the Kids #3 - as soon as things get a little awkward at school, you really should just leave, take the day off, go ahead, decompress, you deserve it.
But Chelsea thinks that by working together, she and Ruby can find the Trident from the Well of Seas and use that to put an end to this centuries-old rivalry between krakens and mermaids. But isn't that JUST what a lying, thieving, untrustworthy mermaid would suggest? Ruby tries to introduce her new mermaid friend to her mother, who does not take it well, and forbids Ruby from returning to the ocean. There you go, Terrible Message #4 - if your kids have a friend who is different from them in any way, just tell them they can't be friends with that person. The last thing your kid needs is a bunch of diverse friends.
Really, it's almost the same plot as "Turning Red", isn't it? They just changed the type of monster that the teenage girl turns into, but it's the same concept, she gets the power to transform when she's at school and only the women in her family have that ability, they just took out any symbolism about menstruation and put an emphasis on going to the prom instead. And just like in "Turning Red", every daughter resents their mother for something. Yeah, that's probably not very healthy either, but maybe it somehow rings true. Still, a film is supposed to be a fantasy, maybe one where families get along, not like real families where teens all reject their parents and everything they stand for, which drives their parents into mad, punishing disciplinarians, desperately trying to control their kids, who just want to be out of control.
By this time I had long stopped caring about this stupid movie and its terrible messages, and I think I fell asleep, which was something of a relief. But obviously the Mermaid gets the trident and attacks the Krakens on prom night, and Ruby is forced to turn into a Kraken and team up with her mother to save the prom ship. This Kraken family is no longer forced to pretend they are human, but instead become the protectors of the seas around Oceanside. What a pile of crap. When I was a kid we had the movie "Clash of the Titans" and the Kraken was a fearsome monster who attacked the Greek isles, even though it was a creature from Swedish mythology. Somehow it must have gotten lost. But it was a giant, terrible stop-motion monster and we liked it that way. You kids today have no idea.
Also starring the voices of Jane Fonda (last seen in "Call Me Kate"), Lana Condor (last seen in "Patriots Day"), Toni Collette (last seen in "Stowaway"), Blue Chapman, Will Forte (last seen in "Strays"), Liza Koshy, Ramona Young (last heard in "Wendell & Wild"), Eduardo Franco (last seen in "Booksmart"), Jaboukie Young-White (last seen in "C'mon C'mon", Annie Murphy, Sam Richardson (last seen in "Somebody I Used to Know"), Nicole Byer (last seen in "Unplugging"), Echo Kellum (last seen in "Girlfriend's Day"), Preston Arsement, Brianna Arsement, Juju Green, Salish Matter, Jordan Matter, Randy Thom (last heard in "Spies in Disguise"), Karen Foster, Atticus Shaindin, Suzanne Buirgy, Emma Chamberlain.
RATING: 3 out of 10 annoying hungry seagulls
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