Spider-Man: Brand New Day

Year 18, Day 265 - 9/22/26 - Movie #5,439 - VIEWED ON 8/16/26

BEFORE: They played this at the theater where I work, a special screening booked for the members of the Visual Effects Society, who then in turn open up their screening for the students of the Arts College. Everybody wins, the local SPFX masters get to see the film on a big screen, with a real audience, the college kids get to see a first-fun film for FREE, and so do I, as long as I'm not booked to manage the screening. If I'm not, I can also see the film for FREE, and even bring a guest. I've only done this a couple times before, like for "Superman" and one of the "Jurassic Park" films, I think "Dominion"?  

I did have a houseguest that weekend, however he left before the screening, so my wife came along, even though the film was screening in 3-D and she'd have to wear the funky glasses, or risk getting a headache. So, surprisingly, she agreed to come and finally see where I've been working part-time for the past five years. Now, she has NOT seen the prior "Spider-Man" films with Tom Holland, but she has seen him in the "Avengers" films, so, umm, that's something. Look, I don't have time to explain to her what happened in "Homecoming" or "Far From Home" or even "No Way Home", so I'm hoping this turns out to be a good jumping-on point for her, and if she wants she can go back and see the other films with THIS Spider-Man in them, of course we know now there's a multiverse with a large variety of Spider-Men (Spiders-Men?) in it, but I can rant about that later. 

Jacob Batalon carries over again from "The Wrecking Crew". 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Spider-Man: No Way Home" (Movie #4,007)

THE PLOT: A forgotten Peter Parker lives alone as a full-time Spider-Man until mounting pressure triggers a dangerous change and a powerful new enemy emerges. 

AFTER: I've been reading "Spider-Man" comics since about 1983, and really, the one thing that's been consistent is change. Peter Parker loves Gwen Stacy, no, wait, Mary Jane Watson, no wait, maybe Betty Brant, or maybe Black Cat, who is a villain. No, wait, now she's a hero and Mary Jane also has superpowers, of a sort, and she calls herself Jackpot. No, wait, now she took over the Venom symbiote after it was worn by Flash Thompson, and Eddie Brock before him. Jeezus, who can keep up? They've messed with Spider-Man's powers, too, usually he has the web-shooters but for a while he had webbing that came out of his body (from his wrists, not from where a spider's webbing usually comes from, because Ewwwww....) and sometimes his Spider-Sense is very strong and other times it's on the fritz, and I kid you not, for a while he mutated and had FOUR extra arms coming out of his body, so he really looked like a spider. And then some writer did a storyline where he went into a cocoon and apparently died, but then emerged like a snake from that skin with a slightly different set of spider-powers, and then another writer did an EXTREMELY similar storyline six months later, proving that the different writers don't talk to each other. 

But now they're kind of doing the same thing with the MCU movie Spider-Man, he's got web-shooters like the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man, NO WAIT, he's got natural webbing like the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man did. Spider-Man loves MJ, NO WAIT, that's too dangerous for her, so he has to have Dr. Strange cast a spell so everyone forgets his identity, NO WAIT, he changed his mind and wants to get back together with MJ. Geez, I'm getting story whiplash here, but you know, it's a new director now so it's a bit like a new writer on the comic book, he can pick and choose what he wants to have in Spider-Man's life, and what he wants to change. This new guy wants to bring Ned Leeds back into his life. (Ned Leeds in the comic books, however, went through some changes, first he was married to Betty Brant, then he was apparently the villain known as the Hobgoblin, then the next writer says, NO WAIT, he was framed and never the Hobgoblin, but it was too late, somebody had already killed him for being the Hobgoblin, so he's dead - NO WAIT, he's alive again somehow, with little explanation. Well, it's not like the MCU didn't kill a few billion people with "The Snap" and then bring them back with "The Blip". 

So now we have a Spider-Man who has tried to solve the equation of balancing being a superhero AND having a personal life by focusing on just one but not the other, which seems fine at first because he did make everyone forget his secret identity, and his friends MJ and Ned went off to college and he watched them succeed from far away. Only now Spider-Man is living alone, always on the neighborhood beat, focused just on being Spider-Man, but you know, is he happy?  Not really, he's stressed out, always trying to undo the guilt of seeing his Aunt May die, which is impossible, and feeling like he's failing at life because no friends, no social life. Dude, just join the Avengers, be part of a team, those teammates count as friends! But no, he wants to stay in the city and help the police whenever he can, he's got his rogue's gallery of villains like Scorpion and Tombstone and Boomerang and Tarantula.

Spider-Man is a solo act, sure, like here while taking out a tank that's barreling toward Damage Control, he's not only trying to stop the tank by himself, but he's got to expend extra energy and time trying to keep The Punisher from "helping", because the Punisher only knows how to blow things up and cause more collateral damage. Hey, the Punisher could be a friend for Spider-Man, only Punisher really doesn't "do" friends, does he?  

The stress of saving NYC is getting to him, though, and so is the stress of knowing that his ex-best friend and ex-girlfriend (who don't remember being his best friend and girlfriend) have moved back to town, and she's seeing somebody. This is all causing his powers to mutate - yep, they basically send him into a cocoon and when he emerges, he's got the organic webbing and heightened senses, basically his powers are in overdrive, however his first impulse is to contact Bruce Banner and learn about his inhibitor device that keeps him from being the out-of-control Hulk for a while, to see if he can learn enough to design one for himself, using a form of RNA to suppress his new mutation - sure, what could POSSIBLY go wrong when you start gene-splicing yourself? At the same time, he learns that there is a telepath that can control other people, kind of jumping from person to person, who's got some kind of a vendetta against the Department of Damage Control, a government agency that basically does clean-up work after super-heroes fight super-villains. Marvel Comics had a mini-series titled "Damage Control", but it was sort of a spoof comic, not meant to be taken seriously, like in this movie. 

The telepath tries again, but by mind-controlling Mac Gargan, the Scorpion, and Spider-Man's new mutations cause him to beat up Scorpion very badly, and he also injures a police officer in the process. Spider-Man does take MJ to stay with the Punisher for her own safety, and to keep her out of range of the telepath, who turns out to be Jean Grey. Man, this is a LONG way to go just to finally introduce the future X-Men into the MCU, I have to say. Jean attacks the Damage Control one more time, but this time she's got the Hulk under her mind control. This to me was probably the best part of the movie, getting Spider-Man and Punisher and the Hulk all involved in one big epic battle. This is really the point of having guest stars, like why have them and not use them? Like the new White Widow (or is she Black Widow now?) is also in this film, and they don't really use her much at all.

Of course, there's another twist - Jean Grey's not really a villain, of course, we all knew that going in, they just kept us from learning her name for the longest time because then we'd know she's not really a villain. But, then who is? Well, my wife called it correctly from the jump, and I didn't, I really should have because I've read WAY more comic books than her. But that works both ways if they want to hide the villain inside of something that was never villainous in the comic books, instead it was a spoof comedy. But this is yet another example of those constantly shifting sands - this is a helpful person, NO WAIT, this person is a villain, and the same goes for the ninja organization called The Hand, which is an evil group in the "Daredevil" comics, but NO WAIT, here they're on the good side and they're being rehabilitated, but NO WAIT, they're still villains after all. Can we just have a little bit of consistency here, please? It's not like the next writer is changing everything around, this is everything changing back and forth, again and again WITHIN THE SAME STORY! Spider-Man has new powers, and that's a good thing, NO WAIT, it's bad, we have to build a device to inhibit them, but NO WAIT, they're really a good thing that he should totally lean into. Make up your damn minds!

I want to point out that Wikipedia suggests that the movie "Brand New Day" is based on the Spider-Man comic book storyline of the same name and, well, nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing the two storylines have in common is that they were both essentially reboots for the character, in the comics it was a new writer trying to start fresh without all of the things that the previous writer had added during his tenure. Also, both storylines took place some time AFTER the world was made to forget Spider-Man's identity, but really, all of the other details are vastly different. In the comic book "Brand New Day", Aunt May is still alive, Harry Osborn is alive (again) and Peter Parker goes back to work getting Spider-Man pictures for the financially struggling Daily Bugle newspaper. Mary Jane Watson comes back after an absence (more on that in a second) but might also be the new goverment-registered superhero known as Jackpot. Peter Parker starts dating Carlie Cooper, a forensics expert who seems like a perfect love match, at least until the next writer takes over. Spider-Man then faces new villains like Overdrive, Mister Negative, Freak and Paper Doll. 

In the comics, "Brand New Day" followed an extremely unliked and confusing storyline titled "One More Day", in which Aunt May was dying from a gunshot wound and Spider-Man sought help from Tony Stark, Reed Richards, Doctor Strange, Doctor Octopus and even Doctor Doom. I mean, Reed Richards said to take her to see a "doctor", and I guess Peter Parker got confused. The only entity, hero or villain, that can really help is Mephisto, Marvel's version of Satan. Mephisto offers to save Aunt May's life is Peter is willing to give up his marriage to Mary Jane Watson, poof, change the timeline, the marriage never existed and Peter TAKES THAT OFFER. Narratively speaking, it's not a good idea to make a deal with the devil, there is always a cost or a trick involved, but here Spider-Man says, "Nah, I think the devil is a straight shooter, I can't see how he benefits from this, so sure, make my aunt well and you can undo my marriage." No, no, NO, this is NOT what a hero does, make a deal with the devil. Just because you, Joe Quesada, as a writer do not LIKE a particular aspect of a character's story, does not mean you can order the book's writer to just "undo" it. That's not fair to all of those fans who read the book for years, watched Peter and MJ fall in love and get married, only to have someone start unraveling the whole story like a sweater with a loose thread. A writer should be able to find a better way to split this couple up, maybe they argue, maybe they have a trial separation, which is something that adults do, nope, the devil's going to just make the whole marriage disappear, and he doesn't even have the reality stone. This doesn't even FIT with what we think of as the devil's powers, sure he can tempt people and offer them fame and fortune and convince them to sign away their souls, but does the devil have the power to just change the timeline? This has not been established in previous stories.  

What's worse is that there NEVER was a follow-up story to explain what Mephisto had in mind. Like, perhaps Mary Jane was pregnant and that baby would have grown up to be Spider-Girl or some other powerful hero, but now I'm doing the writer's job for him. What was his goal, what did Mephisto get out of this deal by dissolving Spider-Man's marriage? It's unclear, I guess nobody cares except for one comic-book fan in Queens, NY, so we don't ever need to explain this. Thanks, guys, you really know how to make me lose interest, and also you totally broke the fourth wall by imposing your personal inclination to write Spider-Man as a "single" character and that spilled over into a nonsensical story that most of the fans hated. Great, you kept the series fresh by changing things up, but you only exposed how weak your writing is because you couldn't come up with a believable way of getting there. You know, Aunt May had a long run, she was quite old (at least in the comics) and lived a good life, sometimes people just die and you can't magic them back to life, and that would be a powerful lesson not only for Spider-Man to learn but also the audience. 

That's one big advantage that the MCU Spider-Man has over the comic-book one, at least after they kill a character in the movies, they stay dead. (Umm, except for all those people Thanos un-existed). But Aunt May is so far still deceased, at least until the next reboot. Yeah, I'm not really looking forward to the upcoming "Doomsday" and "Secret Wars" films, which are kind of teased here at the end of "Brand New Day". It's all going to be multi-verse stuff, and it looks like they're going to bring together characters from the main MCU, the X-Men universe (seen briefly in "The Marvels") and the Fantastic Four universe from "First Steps". No good can come of this, as I suspect that we're going to see so many variant characters from other timelines that it's just going to be one rug pulled out from under us, followed by another one, and another one, etc. The whole Robert Downey Jr. cast as Dr. Doom thing feels more and more like a fake-out, and I'm expecting evil Captain America from another timeline (they call him "Stevil Rogers" in the comics) and so many more bad ideas in a giant failure pile. Like they JUST introduced Jean Grey in this Spider-Man film, why not just build from that instead of doing a complicated cross-over between the current MCU and the old X-Universe?  Are the writers just not talking to each other again? 

I know, I know this "Brand New Day" movie is super popular right now, everyone loves it and it's made more money than any other movie ever, but obviously I've got reservations about it. Still, it's a (somewhat) well put-together Spider-Man movie and that goes a long way, so I'll give it a score that's a little better than "No Way Home" and a little worse than "Far From Home". OK? 

Directed by Destin Daniel Cretton (director of "Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings" and "Just Mercy")

Also starring Tom Holland (last seen in "How I Live Now"), Zendaya (last seen in "Bob Mackie: Naked Illusion"), Mark Ruffalo (last seen in "Mickey 17"), Jon Bernthal (last seen in "We Are Your Friends"), Sadie Sink (last seen in "The Whale"), Florence Pugh (last seen in "Thunderbolts*"), Liza Colon-Zayas (last seen in "Cat Person"), Tramell Tillman (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning"), Marisa Tomei (last seen in "Untamed Heart"), Michael Mando (last seen in "72 Hours"), Marvin Jones III (last heard in "Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse"), Olivia Booth-Ford (last seen in "The School for Good and Evil"), Taryn Marie Butler, Johnny Myers (last seen in "Laws of Attraction"), Billy Clements (last seen in "Deep Cover" (2025)), Zabryna Guevara (last seen in "She Said"), Nina Galano, Maikol Roque, Jamel Davall Rodriguez, Ethan Sokontwe, Tariye Peterside, Phoenix Di Sebastiani, Vivien Keene, Camila Lopez, Eman Esfandi (last seen in "King Richard"), Shannon Young Cho, Niyi Akin, Daisy Sequerra, Nezar Alderazi (last seen in "The Mauritanian"), Fan Xiaoshuang, Elvis Carlos, 

and the voices of Naomi Watts (last seen in "The Friend"), Keith David (last seen in "Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London")

RATING: 7 out of 10 photos on Ned's Spider-Man secret identity vision board

The Wrecking Crew

Year 18, Day 264 - 9/21/26 - Movie #5,438

BEFORE: I find myself envious of Nathan Caine, to some degree - my ankle still hurts a bit and I'm going to be working tonight, standing for a long period of time, and also the next three nights as well. So I think by the end of Thursday I could be in quite a bit of pain, thank God for Icy Hot and Advil though. I think if I found myself in a situation like his, where my wife or girlfriend got kidnapped, and I didn't have his genetic condition of being impervious to pain, my reaction would probably be, "Well, I'm sure going to miss her..." Look, I'm a pacifist by nature and also by design, if I tried to fight back or enact vigilante justice in anyway, that's it, I would most likely end up dead, and really, there's no reason for us BOTH to die, right? I mean, it would be better if one of us were able to carry on, alone and sad, sure, but still alive. 

Jacob Batalon carries over from "Novocaine". I don't HAVE to include this here, because it's the middle film of a 3-movie Batalon chain, but since I passed on this movie once before, I'm giving it priority status. This was cut from January's chain which had three films with Dave Bautista in a row. Sure, I could have gone for four, but look how things worked out, I needed this film HERE to make the connection and help form a path to October 1, so cutting it was the right call.  But hmmm, what other big movie released in 2026 also has Jacob Batalon in it? 

THE PLOT: Estranged half-brothers Jonny, a volatile suspended cop, and James, a disciplined Navy SEAL, reluctantly reunite in Hawaii after their private investigator father is murdered, triggering a dangerous clash with Yakuza operatives. 

AFTER: This was a solid action film, double the star power and double the beefcake, and sure, you can maybe totally believe these two actors as brothers, even if only one is of Native Hawaiian descent, and the other is part Greek, part Filipino. Asian is Asian, right? Anyway, they're playing HALF-brothers here, so they don't have to resemble each other all that much, a little bit is fine. It might have been hard to cast an actor to play someone who would look like he could be the father of both of them. 

There are some killer action scenes here, both of the car-chase / shoot-out / explosion kind and also the close combat / one-man army kind. This is what people come to this movie for, and this is also why you cast THESE two guys to be in it. Unfortunately there's hardly any plot, just barely enough to connect all of those action scenes, really. If you want to have a REASON for the close-up fighting and the car chases and the exploding helicopter, well, then you've come to the wrong place. Like there's not really any rhyme or reason here, I watched the whole thing and I can't even tell you what exactly the crime was. Oh, sure, their father was killed, but WHY? It's got something to do with casino plans, even though gambling is illegal in Hawaii. Somebody apparently thought that was going to change, though, and umm, well, it's not. 

Then there's a crime syndicate of some kind, a corrupt politician and for some reason, the Japanese Yakuza. No, it does not all make sense, not by a long shot. But does it really have to? Did we determine that everything is connected, or could it be that all of the evidence is circumstantial? Did all of the evil henchmen need to DIE, every last one of them? I suppose so, but now who's left to testify? I guess I see where the "Wrecking Crew" term comes from, because these brothers only know one solution to everything, sneak in and then wreck the place. There's a party? OK, we'll dress as caterers, get in there and wreck the place. Our family members got kidnapped, no problem, we'll just sneak in and wreck the place. And these are supposed to be the GOOD guys...

They left themselves wide open for a sequel, now that they took down the person who killed their father, the next illogical move is to team up again and take down whoever killed Jonny's mother, the information was RIGHT THERE. They've got the money from the digital wallet on the hard drive to finance the operation, so another film like this should be a no-brainer. 

Directed by Angel Manuel Soto (director of "Blue Beetle")

Also starring Dave Bautista (last seen in "The Naked Gun"), Jason Momoa (last seen in "A Minecraft Movie"), Temuera Morrison (last heard in "Moana 2"), Morena Baccarin (last seen in "Roger Dodger"), Roimata Fox, Frankie Adams (last seen in "Next Goal Wins"), Claes Bang (last seen in "The Last Vermeer"), Maia Kealoha, Stephen Root (last seen in "Mad Money"), Josua Tuivavalagi, Miyavi (last seen in "Kate"), David Hekili Kenui Bell, Mark R. Black, Lydia Peckham (last seen in "Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes"), Branscombe Richmond (last seen in "Journey 2: The Mysterious Island"), Brian L. Keaulana, Stephen Oyoung (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning"), Takuma Anzai, Mainei Kinimaka, Lelea'e Kahalepuna-Wong, Ahmed Youssef, Antonio Te Maioha (last seen in "Zoolander 2"), Ryan Farrell, Bruce Bennett Ah Leong, Mike Edward, Makana David, Meaalofa Vaifale, Josh Thomson, Kael Munro-Nonoa, Moana Johnson, Sherry Shaoling (last seen in "Repo Men"), Jodie Yee, Lila Marcellino

RATING: 6 out of 10 Navy SEAL trainees

Novocaine

Year 18, Day 263 - 9/20/26 - Movie #5,437

BEFORE: I worked three days last week, then got the weekend off, but I've got FOUR days of work in a row coming up tomorrow, so I'm trying to rest up for that. My ankle is still not 100% but I'm hoping I can get through the next few days with my cane (I only really need it for going up or down stairs now) and my pain is at a manageable level, I think. I just can't take any more days off, I think I used up all of my sick hours at one job, so if I take any more time then I'll have to use the sick hours at the other job, and I don't want to do that. But if I don't get my full leg strength back then I really have to consider finding a new job that isn't so physical. But that's not really a good solution either, because if I went back to sitting at a desk I think that could be worse for my body than standing up during a shift and selling beer. I just can't seem to win here. 

Well, that's tomorrow's dilemma I suppose. Today, Amber Midthunder carries over again from "Prey" and I'm starting the countdown to the Shock Block, which starts in just 11 days. The Food Network is already airing the Halloween Baking Championship and also Halloween Wars, and the Family Channel is pushing their own "31 Days of Halloween" programming. Other channels are doing the same, so even though my chain is set for this year, I should easily pick up some spooky movies for next year. 

THE PLOT: When the girl of his dreams is kidnapped, a man incapable of feeling physical pain turns his rare condition into an unexpected advantage in the fight to rescue her. 

AFTER: This is a very sneaky way to make an everyday character into one of those "one-man army" characters, in the style of Batman or Jason Statham. Nathan Caine is a character with a genetic condition called CIPA, which stands for congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis, and apparently IS a real condition. I think probably more people have this than the "stiff person syndrome" that Celine Dion pretended... I mean TOTALLY had for real. CIPA is caused by a mutation in a particular gene and are unable to perceive pain or changes in temperature, because they don't have the nerve cells necessary to transmit the related signals. Their bodies will still suffer the effects of an injury or extreme heat or cold, in other words, they will incur damage, but they won't feel it. They also won't sweat, at least not from heat, perhaps they would still sweat from exercise, but since sweat is a cooling function, perhaps not. 

Those who suffer from CIPA are at high risk for accidental injury - like most of us have that reflex that will cause us to drop a hot pan that we grabbed, but they would not, they could just hold on to it and burn their hand. Patients with CIPA often also have hyperactivity, irritability, and some cognitive impairment, possibly learning difficulties as well. It's unclear if these are directly related to the condition or are a result of HAVING the condition and being injured so easily. 

Of course, the character here is completely normal in every other way, he just happens to have the condition without all those possible side-effects, HOWEVER his back-story includes a set of over-protective parents (I feel you, Nathan) who were afraid to let him eat most foods out of a fear that he could bite through his own tongue and not feel it. So he's sustained himself on a liquid diet over the years, apparently. When he finally decides to go on a lunch date with the co-worker he's been afraid to talk to, and she convinces him to eat some cherry pie, it's quite a revelation to him. What other food-related (or touch-related) pleasures has he been missing out on? The mind boggles, however, Sherry is willing to show him a few new ones. 

Sherry is also with Nathan when he encounters a former high-school bully - because when the other kids found out he couldn't feel pain, they just took to beating him up every day, because they could, and he wouldn't feel it or get them in trouble for that. But in the present, in the bar, Sherry pretends to offer to "bury the hatchet" with shots, that turn out to be high-Scoville hot sauce, and of course Nathan can't feel the burn, but his former bully can. Wow, Sherry sure seems like a catch, he told her about his genetic disorder and that was NOT a deal-breaker, in fact it just endeared him to her, must be something about his vulnerability, his innocence, and her realizing that there are like a THOUSAND delicious foods that she can introduce him to, so that's the next few months sorted then. But this meet-cute seems just a bit too good to be true, so you're probably wondering, what could POSSIBLY go wrong here? 

Well, three Santa Clauses come into the bank (where they work together) and pull out machine guns, so, umm, THERE IT IS. They beat up some bank customers and kill the bank manager who won't give them the combination to the giant safe. When they start threatening Sherry, though, Nathan caves and gives it up, because he JUST made the connection with her and doesn't want to see her get hurt. After all, she's not lucky enough to also have a genetic condition where she can't feel pain... So Sherry should be safe now, except that the cops show up and the bank robbers need a hostage, and she's the one they pick.  After a shoot-out with the police, the robbers speed off in TWO cars (for some reason, maybe so they can split up and double their chances of getting away?). 

Nathan tends to a wounded officer, but then takes the keys to the police car so he can pursue the robbers. Well, he knows that a hostage is likely to be killed within the first few hours of being taken, so he feels like that clock is ticking. Also, really, isn't it about time that he put his skill of not being able to feel pain to some use?  Like, if you can't use your genetic disorder to save the woman you think you love, then really, what good is it? But he follows the car with one robber and some money, not the one with Sherry in it. This leads to a fight in a restaurant kitchen where Nathan proves that he's not very good at fighting, at least not until his condition comes in handy, he can take a punch, he can take being thrown around, and he can fish a loaded gun out of a deep fryer, literally anything to win the fight.  

This kind of then turns into your standard Statham-like film, where the lead character has to work his way up the criminal chain, use his contacts and his expertise to track down the bad guys who are in hiding, also whatever resources he has. His resources here are just one friend who he knows from online gaming, along with that inability to feel pain. But will that be enough? The next stop is a tattoo artist (Nathan also happens to have a lot of tattoos, because that's the kind of thing you'd do if you couldn't feel pain, I guess) to try and indentify the other robbers based on their ink. But Nathan's not really good at this investigating thing, and tips his hand, which leads to another knock-down fight with a very large tattoo artist. Again, Nathan has to go to extremes to win a fight, but at this point he'll do whatever it takes, as ridiculous as it seems. 

Also, the police are looking for him, because he was the assistant bank manager who gave the robbers the codes, and then he disappeared with them. So at first they figure him for being the "inside man", someone who got a job at the bank with plans to help it get robbed, then disappear. However when the cops track him down by phone, they learn that he's just a vigilante trying to save his girlfriend, and also that he's just not going to stop until he does. It's a good look, being the crazy hero, it just would work better if he had any fighting ability at all. Taking a punch does not usually constitute winning a fight, that's all. 

There are still a few twists here that I don't want to give away, especially since they surprised me, and considering how many action movies I've seen - heists, one-man army fighting, working one's way up the criminal structure - I'd like to think that surprising me at all has gotten pretty hard for films to do. Considering how many injuries Nathan "Novocaine" Caine gets along the way, this starts out a bit like "A Working Man" but then starts to resemble "Crank" more than anything else. Bear in mind that all this fighting is causing injuries, even if Nathan doesn't feel them. So by the end he's kind of like that cartoon gunfighter who gets shot full of holes, and he seems undamaged, at least until he drinks some water and it all leaks out. 

And by the end I still wasn't sure how seriously to take this whole film - I mean, is it trying to be the ultimate one-man-army movie, or is it trying to be a parody of one? There really is such a fine line between the two, I think. Is this high-concept or just plain ridiculous? Your call, I think. And I may regret saying this, but I kind of hope that there's a sequel in the works. 

Directed by Dan Berk & Robert Olsen (directors of "Villains") 

Also starring Jack Quaid (last seen in "Heads of State"), Ray Nicholson (last seen in "Smile 2"), Jacob Batalon (last seen in "Lift"), Betty Gabriel (last seen in "The Purge: Election Year"), Matt Walsh (last seen in "You People"), Conrad Kemp (last seen in "G20"), Evan Hengst (last seen in "The Kissing Booth 3"), Craig Jackson (last seen in "District 9"), Lou Beatty Jr. (last seen in "Ford v Ferrari"), Garth Collins, Tristan de Beer, Jessica Leigh Stanley, Chioma Antoinette Umeala (last seen in "The Woman King"), Margot Wood, Keeno Lee Hector (last seen in "Bloodshot"), Maria Vos, Dominique Maher (also last seen in "G20"), Lance Elliot (ditto), DeVille Vannik, Motsi Tekateka (last seen in "The Kissing Booth 2"), Toni Jean Erasmus (also last seen in "The Kissing Booth 3"), Drew Simon

RATING: 7 out of 10 "Wile E. Coyote"-style booby traps

Prey

Year 18, Day 262 - 9/19/26 - Movie #5,436

BEFORE: This one's a couple years old already now - hey, don't blame me, blame the linking. I think there's already another two installments in the "Predator" franchise that have come out since this one, but you know, none of them are linked to each other which doesn't help me out one bit. It's almost like Hollywood doesn't care any more about my system... I'd say that I'm still very lucky, though, because if there are THREE films outstanding and the chain has seen fit to bring me to the oldest one first, well, it's like it was meant to be, right? But I'd better hurry up and watch this, I can't even wait until the real horror chain starts on October 1 because I need to strike while the iron is hot here, if it took three years for me to link to this, perhaps another opportunity won't come around again. Or I'll be forced to watch them in the wrong order or something. 

Amber Midthunder carries over from "Opus". Really, the only way for me to watch this film sooner rather than later is to put it between two other films with her in them. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "The Predator" (Movie #3,377)

THE PLOT: Naru, a skilled warrior of the Comanche Nation, fights to protect her tribe against one of the first highly-evolved Predators to land on Earth. 

AFTER: It's a pretty neat trick that this film serves as both a sequel AND a prequel to the movies that have gone before. To the audience it's a sequel, of course, because we're experiencing it after, but the film is set back in the early 1700's, allowing it to function as a prequel as well. We can assume it takes place in what will someday become America, and the presence of French trappers perhaps places it somewhere in the northern part of the future U.S., perhaps near Canada, however if these Native Americans are Comanche, that would suggest Oklahoma or thereabouts instead. Possibly French trappers could have come up river from New Orleans, I suppose. If they're not going to pinpoint it than a lot of places are possible. 

Of course, we're dealing with a futuristic species that has interstellar travel capabilities, that can. be just as true 300 years ago as it is in a more modern "Predator" film, because we don't know how long it's been since that species gained the ability to travel to other worlds, whether it was 500 years ago, 1,000 years ago or longer, it's possible for life on different worlds to evolve on a different timetable than our own, meaning there could be thousands of years of human history during which we were visited by others and either treated as slaves made to build pyramids, or just creatures hunted for food or sport. So this film's on board with that, but chooses to focus on the latter, the sport-hunting thing.  

The Predators have their own rules when it comes to this, what's seen here suggest that they only hunt other hunters, the Predator has no interest in that rabbit, but is fascinated by the wolf chasing the rabbit, and that's HIS prey. Same goes for the grizzly bear in a later scene, anybody can catch fish, even a hungry bear, but how many hunters can take down the bear, which is the "apex predator"? The predator also stumbles upon these Comanche hunters who are tracking a mountain lion, and, well, his interest is piqued. The humans seem so small and frail, and non-vicious by comparison, but here they are, tracking the lion to its den and hunting it not just for food, but also to keep future members of the tribe safe from it. 

So, naturally, this puts the Comanche (and later the French fur trappers) on the Predator's to-do list. We think of man as the most dangerous animal, because of his brain power, but the Predator may have different thoughts on the topic. But the central character here is Naru, a young woman who's been trained as a healer, but also wants to be a hunter and provide for the tribe. Yes, even back in the native tribes of the 1700s there was sexism, apparently, and some people had rigid ideas about what women could and couldn't do. The other warriors, including her brother, Taabe, think they're safe once the mountain lion is dealt with, but Naru has seen the Predator in action (or at least partially, because it's wearing one of those camouflage suits that makes it darn near invisible.) and she's convinced that the real danger to the tribe is still out there, and if nobody else will hunt it, she'll go out with her dog and do it herself. 

I mean, it's really a terrible idea, because the Predator is better left alone, but of course she doesn't know that. He's here for a short time, maybe just let him hunt a few large animals, he'll collect a few skulls and turn some snakes inside out, then he'll be back on his spaceship and off to the next planet. However, there's some Comanche legend about a monster called a "Mupitsi", and the Predator sort of fits the description, that's another reason she feels that she needs to take action. The story is that it's supposed to be some giant, hairy monster or owl-like beast, and who knows if this later morphed into Sasquatch or if it was all just some boogeyman story that parents told their children so they wouldn't go out at night? 

Anyway, the Comanche of course are no match for a super-warrior from another planet, who's got laser-sights on his arrows and claws on his hands, and uses his heat-vision to track his prey in the dark. The whole landscape is dark at night because electric lights wouldn't come around for another 150 years or so - it's amazing when you think about how long Earth was dark every night, umm, except for torches, campfires and candles, right? But both Naru and Taabe end up caught, not by the Predator but by those French trappers, who have apparently been dealing with creatures like this before, or vice versa, because they seem to know about it and want to use the Comanches as bait to trap it. I guess when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail and if you're a trapper, your solution to most everything is to trap it. 

OK, good luck with that, the Predator has heat vision and spear guns and laser sights, and you've got what, flintlock pistols that fire once and then take another five minutes to reload? Plus the thing just does not WANT to be trapped, he can probably work his way out of whatever trap you set for him, and then, well, he's going to be angry. Best solution, as I stated already, is to just leave him alone, let him hunt whatever he wants and then maybe he'll get back in his ship and fly away. 

It's an interesting enough idea, I mean, the franchise was maybe getting a little stale, except for those "Alien vs. Predator" movies. They could keep this going and have other Predators visit earth during other eras, it might be cool to see one hunting dinosaurs or another one visiting ancient Roman and winding up either taking out Roman soldiers or fighting in the Colisseum. Hell, why not visit Earth during the Civil War or Athens vs. Sparta or take on the army of Genghis Khan? Once you open up all of human history there are some great narrative possibilities...

Directed by Dan Trachtenberg (director of "10 Cloverfield Lane")

Also starring Dakota Beavers, Dane DiLiegro (last seen in "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3"), Michelle Thrush (last seen in "Dead Man"), Julian Black Antelope, Stormee Kipp, Stefany Mathias, Bennett Taylor, Mike Paterson (last seen in "Heist"), Nelson Leis, Tymon Carter, Skye Pelletier, Harlan Blayne Kytwayhat, Corvin Mack, Samuel Marty, Ginger Cattleman, Seanna Eagletail, Samiyah Crowfoot, Cody Big Tobacco (last seen in "The Revenant"), Stephane Legault (ditto), Troy Mundle, Curtis Pilon-Vinish, Eric Beaudoin. 

RATING: 6 out of 10 giant footprints

Opus

Year 18, Day 261 - 9/18/26 - Movie #5,435

BEFORE: Sorry, no more animated films in the pipeline - except for one that will pop up at the end of the month. That was a good run, though, 8 animated features in a row. Now I've got a couple that are sort of horror-like or horror-ish, because we've got THAT big chain coming up in just a couple weeks now, and you know, it's good to prepare ourselves. You don't want to just dive in to that freezing-cold pool, you want to kind of ease in, a bit at a time. Same goes for the pits of hell, you don't dive in to the lava, you dip a toe in and watch it burn off and then you acclimate yourself from there...

What's even harder than putting together a horror chain and a Christmas mini-chain each year is leaving enough material, and the right movies, behind so that I'll have something to work with NEXT year. I think one cable channel is running all of the films in the "Scary Movie" franchise, I should probably grab those while I can, especially if there's any possibility that they all link together in release order, and that could take up five or six slots next year, or the year after that. 

Tony Hale carries over from "Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate"

THE PLOT: A writer travels to the compound of a pop icon who disappeared years ago. Surrounded by his cult of sycophants, as well as fellow journalists, she soon discovers his twisted plans for the gathering. 

AFTER: OK, so a group of people get invited to a celebrity's extremely private resort complex, but they have to surrender their cell phones and sign some kind of NDA before they board the private plane. Wait, isn't that the plot to "Blink Twice"? 

No, wait, there's a special celebrity event, the top star in his craft is having a private dinner party and has invited some of his longest-standing critics to come and spend time with him in the hopes of winning them over. Wait, isn't that the plot to "The Menu"? 

The guests arrive and their needs are attended to, though the whole resort starts to feel a bit cult-like, and a couple of the guests have disappeared with no explanation. Wait, isn't that the plot to "Midsommar"?  

Yes, yes and yes. This is a mish-mash collab of some of the most famous "thriller-disaster-What Could POSSIBLY Go Wrong" films from the past few years, and I think we can now certify that this is a trend in filmmaking. Cultures clash, class warfare is involved, male sexism and "Artist Brain" collide and it doesn't matter if the central figure is a tech mogul, a celebrated chef or a reclusive pop star, when you're famous, they let you do it, no matter what "it" is. 

To say "Opus" is derivative is an under-statement, but there could be a lot of films that follow this disaster-trend, I don't really know if it this genre has a name yet. Psychological thriller? Satirical social horror? Escape-core? Does this all go back to "Get Out" and/or "Ready or Not"? Are we going to get some kind of comedic mash-up in the vein of "Scary Movie", titled "Get Out and Blink Twice Before the Midsommer Menu"? 

Anyway, let's deal with tonight's film on its own, because it's got one thing that all of the others don't have, and that's John Malkovich as the reclusive pop star. Yes. We get to hear what a John Malkovich ALBUM would sound like, maybe, if he were a pop star on the level of, say, Michael Jackson or Prince or something. Look, if you want to watch this film JUST for the novelty of that, it just might be worth it. There's a lot of other stuff that's going to come along with it, but you get so much Malkovich here, and all that that entails, I mean Jesus, he's a great actor and a weird actor and I'll watch just about anything he's in. Him and Willem Dafoe. I wonder if there's ever a clash between them over who's going to play a particular weird, oddly calm, genius who might also be a maniac psycho-killer, we're just not sure yet. 

Malkovich plays Alfred Moretti, who disappeared from the pop music scene 30 years ago, but is back with a new album. We're led to believe from the hype around it that this would be equivalent to someone like David Bowie or Michael Jackson disappearing at the height of their fame, and then coming back with new music out of the blue. What would that sound like, I mean one thing you can say about Bowie or Jacko is that they put out a lot of albums - but what if they didn't? What if they took time off, and their sound evolved and then they came back with a completely new sound or a weirdly evolved manner, or a new look, new fashion, new hairstyle? The only music star I can think of that took a long break and then came back, stronger than ever, was Roy Orbison, however he never stopped touring and trying, his music just fell out of favor for a while, and then he had a revival with the help of some friends. Jerry Lee Lewis, maybe Chuck Berry went through something similar, maybe. 

Generally, this is not how the music industry works - could you imagine Taylor Swift announcing tomorrow that she's going to take the next 20 years off? Nobody works like that, if you have a hit record you go out on tour, you work the crowd and make sure everyone knows you because you're creating the fan base of people who are going to maybe buy your second album, which you start working on as soon as your first tour is over, if not before that. Could you imagine Guns and Roses putting out a new album this month, like after 30 years of non-self-imposed exile, and for people everywhere to somehow be excited with anticipation for that album? Nope, it just doesn't happen. If your career is dormant for 30 years, you might as well be dead. Some of the top acts of 1996 were No Doubt, Oasis and The Smashing Pumpkins. Even if those bands are still active or got their members back together, I don't think they could just pick up where they left off and have a successful album release. 

But anyway, Moretti invites a select group of music journalists to attend this listening party at his private compound in Utah. Yeah, never go to a celebrity's private compound, that's a pretty good rule of thumb to follow. This one is four and a half hours by BUS away from the nearest airport, that should have been the first warning sign. This reclusive billionaire can fly people in by private jet, but there's no private airfield? You know you can build an airfield just about anywhere, like for sure a lot closer to his house. I'm not sure if this is a NITPICK POINT or just a warning sign that these journalists chose to ignore. The weekend starts with a very fancy dinner, of course they probably had to ask if anybody had any food allergies when they were preparing the menu, but then the "bread course" involved passing a giant dinner roll down the table so that each person could take a bite out of it. Umm, what if I have a food allergy to eating bread that a dozen other people had in their mouths? And why am I sitting at the end of the table that gets the very germy bread last, and the other end of the table got to take bites of it before everybody else drooled on it? 

Junior journalist Ariel Ecton, who seems too young to have been a fan of Moretti's 30 years ago, is there just as support staff, to take notes for her boss, Stan Sullivan, who will be the one writing the article about Moretti's new album. Ariel is the first to notice that the other people at the compound, the ones who are not party guests, are all wearing the same blue outfits and are assigned tasks by Moretti, as if he is their cult leader or something. This should have been another cue to leave ASAP, because we know how this ends, the leader says that the spaceship is behind the comet, and the time has come to drink the Kool-Aid or the Everclear or whatever and leave our flesh prisons so that the spaceship can pick up our souls and carry them to heaven. 

Well, that's not exactly what's happening here. But there is a form of religion being practiced, which is called "Levelism". There's a book that the guests are given (oh, good, something to read) which describes the concepts of Levelism (oh, darn, it's a manifesto) and then there's a whole agenda for the weekend, which involves Fashioning, the Album listening party, Archery, Painting, Shucking Oysters for Hours, and a puppet show. I mean, go there to hear the new album, but come on, you're going to want to stay for the puppet show.

Ariel is also the one to notice that two of the invited guests have not been seen since the first day, so, umm, where are they?  And she's also the first one to express a desire to leave (smart girl!) but of course, this takes place just before Everything Goes Wrong. I'm not going to get into all of that, but I have hinted about it. If this isn't your bag, or if you've had your fill of this escape-core genre, this might still be worth a look if you want to see what kind of aging pop star John Malkovich would play. I found that to be like what Michael Jackson might have become if he had lived, and if he had continued to surround himself with people who were willing to cater to all of his desires (yes, ALL of them) and nobody was ever allowed to tell him "NO". It's food for thought, even if this "food" is shared by several different movies, just like that dinner roll that got passed around. 

Directed by Mark Anthony Green

Also starring Ayo Edibiri (last seen in "Lorne"), John Malkovich (last seen in "Billy Joel: And So It Goes"), Juliette Lewis (last seen in "Strange Days"), Murray Bartlett (last seen in "Girl Most Likely"), Melissa Chambers (last seen in "Being Rose"), Stephanie Suganami, Mark Sivertsen (last seen in "The Last Stand"), Amber Midthunder (last seen in "Dream Scenario"), Tatanka Means (last seen in "Killers of the Flower Moon"), Aspen Martinez, Peter Diseth (last seen in "Maggie Moore(s)"), Tamera Tomakili (last seen in "Fruitvale Station"), Jasper Keen (last seen in "End of the Road"), Young Mazino, Jean Effron (last seen in "Frank"), Justin Perry, Aimee McGuire, Chris Highlands (last seen in "Suburbicon"), Andrew McMaster, Lily Joy Winder, Orion Carrington, Jeremiah Core, Marjorie W. Conner, Lex Lotito, Gabriel Armijo, Casey Messer (last seen in "Army of the Dead"), with cameos from Bill Burr (last seen in "Paul Anka: His Way"), Wolf Blitzer and the voice of Rosario Dawson (last seen in "Haunted Mansion"),

RATING: 5 out of 10 beanbag chairs

Megamind vs. the Doom Syndicate

Year 18, Day 260 - 9/17/26 - Movie #5,434

BEFORE: I watched the first third of the Emmys yesterday, the "craft" awards, I still have to watch the main telecast and then try to figure out what the third part was. There were a number of documentaries that I watched that got nominations, which seems a bit weird because I thought that the Emmys were for television shows, and to me, those docs were MOVIES. Yes, I realize that we have a thing called "made-for-TV" movies or there's a category for "miniseries and TV movies" or something like that. But I'm talking about films like "Mel Brooks: The 99 Year Old Man!" and "John Candy: I Like Me" - how did those get Emmy nominations, they're just documentary movies, what makes them TV movies, the fact that they aired on a streaming channel? We seem to have somehow erased the line between movies and TV shows, if these movies can be nominated for Emmys and aren't being considered for Oscars for Best Documentary. What makes them TV movies and not movie-movies? I would love some clarification on this. 

Speaking of my Doc Block, it seems that fashion icon Bob Mackie has passed away, and he was the subject of one of my last-minute-added docs this year. Look, it's bad enough that I chose some docs about already deceased people like John McCain, John Candy, Roger Corman and Molly Ivins. And Sergio Leone. And Roberta Flack. And David Lynch, Roy Orbison and Tom Petty. And Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn and Elizabeth Taylor. Jeez, there sure were a lot of dead people this year. And Elvis Presley and Ed Sullivan and Fred Rogers. But now there's one more, and I'd hate to think that my blog is cursed somehow - so I'm hoping that certain people get at least one more trip around the sun, like Mel Brooks and Dick Van Dyke and Gloria Gaynor. Jeez, Paul Anka and Diana Ross are probably getting up there in years, too. Robin Byrd and Stevie Nicks and Reggie Jackson. Hang in there, Billy Joel and the members of Led Zeppelin, it's not your time to go just yet! Also, does anybody have eyes on Chevy Chase? 

Tonight I'm wrapping up just over a week of animated films, as Keith Ferguson carries over from the regrettable "Happily N'ever After 2". There's one more animated film that linked to just "Smurfs" and none of the others, so I couldn't include it here, but I think I can work it in near the end of the month, it was due to leave Netflix so I went ahead and watched it, the review will follow in a couple weeks. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Megamind" (Movie #1,101)

THE PLOT: Megamind's former villain team, The Doom Syndicate, has returned. Newly crowned hero Megamind must now keep up evil appearances until he can assemble his friends to stop his former teammates from launching Metro City to the moon. 

AFTER: Another LONG delay between installments here - there's got to be a reason why it took some studio 14 years to make a sequel to "Megamind", I'm assuming lack of interest, people weren't exactly staging protests over the lack of a sequel. Possibly lack of money, too, because they couldn't afford to hire back any of the voice actors from the first film, instead they found sound-alikes for Will Ferrell and Tina Fey and David Cross, ones that would fit the new, lower budget. Again, I'm assuming.

Yet this is set just DAYS after the events of the first film, because obviously animated characters don't have to age in normal time, they can be any age we want them to be, and just like with Daffy Duck and Porky Pig, you can always rewrite their origin story if you're really stuck, or drop in a flashback that's never been seen before, or screw it, just do whatever you want, because it's not like kids are sending in fan mail to their favorite animated characters, asking them to "please make another movie because I've seen the first one a couple thousand times, and I love it but I'm also quite sick of it!"

Geez, I barely remember the first "Megamind" movie, I know that this character was a villain who defeated his nemesis, Metro Man, and then had nothing to do, so he created a new hero called Titan, who became a worse (better?) villain than he ever was. So Megamind became a hero to take down his own evil creation, Titan - yeah, that film might be worth a re-watch, it was so long ago - with a fresh eye, I may pick up on even MORE Easter eggs and tributes to superheroes from other TV shows or movies. 

So here in the sequel, Megamind stops a theft by oustmarting a group called the Go Fish Gang as they try to steal a gem-encrusted fish, which I'm not sure is a thing. Afterwards, Megamind's minion, Chum (formerly named "Minion", but his name was changed so as to not get mixed up with the Minions from the "Impossible Me" movies) tries to suggest an upgrade to "sidekick" status, though Megamind won't allow it, and so they decide to separate, at least for a while. Well, break-ups are never easy. Reporter Roxanne Ritchi was the good friend telling Chum that he should speak up and make his intentions known, and really, she should have stayed out of it. Clearly Megamind has "Artist Brain" and doesn't want to share the hero spotlight with anyone.

So at the worst possible time, Megamind's old criminal team breaks out of prison and comes to find him, they have mistaken his new "hero" status as the sign he told them to wait for, the sign that he was just a couple steps away from taking over Metro City. They're not falling for his "hero" act, either, they're convinced that he's a villain in hero's clothing, rather than the other way around. And since there are FOUR of them and one of him, he's forced to play along and pretends to rob a bank, in order to win their trust. Umm, most superhero films these days don't also follow the conventions of a Shakespearean farce, just saying. 

He also has to reveal "Phase Two" of his evil plan to them, even though he never really made a definitive one - but he did place rockets deep below Metro City, with a vague plan of launching the whole city into space. Great news, the plan is a hit with the Doom Syndicate, only also bad news, because they don't need Megamind to help them, since the rockets are already in place. Megamind tries in vain to get Chum back, then goes into hiding in an alley after he can't. He learns a valuable lesson, that he can't necessarily do everything himself BUT he can do more using the power of teamwork, once he admits that he needs help. 

One quick trip to Everything City for supplies, and we're ready for the big showdown between the new team of heroes (and sidekicks) and the old team who can't even decide which one is in charge. Well, duh, which one's going to be able to put a barely-rehearsed plan in motion? All that Megamind's team has to do is distract the villains, sneak into his own headquarters, stop the launch of the city into space and then round up the evildoers, what could POSSIBLY go wrong? 

They've set themselves up perfectly for another sequel, which could take another 14 years - or maybe they just followed up with a limited series on Peacock, which they did. Damn, I was hoping for another movie, and not just a TV movie. 

Directed by Eric Fogel

Also starring the voices of Laura Post, Josh Brener (last seen in "Carry-On"), Maya Aoki Tuttle, Emily Tunon, Talon Warburton, Scott Adsit (last seen in "72 Hours"), Chris Sullivan (last seen in "The Drop"), Tony Hale (last seen in "Marty, Life Is Short"), Adam Lambert (last seen in "Bathtubs Over Broadway"), Jeanine Mason, Michael Beattie (last heard in "Minions: The Rise of Gru"), Eric Fogel, Todd Haberkorn, Eric Murphy (last seen in "Being Eddie"), Joey Rudman (last seen in "We Are Your Friends"), Roger Craig Smith (last heard in "Trolls Band Together")

RATING: 4 out of 10 laser beams in the air ducts

Happily N'ever After 2: Snow White - Another Bite at the Apple

Year 18, Day 259 - 9/16/26 - Movie #5,433

BEFORE: All right, this film has been on my list for much, much, too long. I can't say for sure if it was on the original watchlist when I started this blog in 2009, but, you know, it's possible. I watched the first "Happily N'ever After" film in 2010, so that's 16 years ago, and it's taken me THAT long to link to the sequel - because none of the voice actors from that original film saw fit to appear in the sequel, they must have known it was going to be terrible. Or maybe there was no budget to get any of those actors to come back? Who knows? I'm just happy to finally be able to cross this one off the list, it's only 75 minutes long so even if it's unbearably stupid or corny, I can endure 75 minutes of it to open up a slot on my watchlist. 

David Lodge carries over from "Swapped". I could have snuck this one in between two movies in the "Purge" franchise, because one of the voice actors provided the voice for the broadcast system announcements in those movies, but then that would have caused thematic whiplash, I think. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Happily N'ever After" (Movie #444)

THE PLOT: Fairy tales collide when Mambo and Munk tip the scales of good and evil once again. This time, Princess Snow White is a misguided teenager who'd rather have fun with her friends Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks and Little Bo Peep than help peasants. 

AFTER: Now I'm wondering if the Chain was trying to protect me, all this time, for the last 16 years, because this really is one of the worst animated films I've ever seen. Beyond that, it's one of the worst films of ANY genre that I've seen. But it's gone now, it can't hurt me any more. 

I have to imagine that some other studio was trying to jump on the "Shrek" bandwagon, mashing up different fairy tales together, this would have been released between "Shrek the Third" and "Shrek Forever After", but who knows, maybe they started production after the second "Shrek". Still, that might be giving it too much credit, because this really looks and feels like it was thrown together and animated on somebody's Commodore 64 personal computer. I mean, we have AI now and the Instagram is filled with "A.I. Slop", all of which looks better than this does. I mean, you can just type the name of a character into an A.I. engine now and in a few seconds you'll have footage of that character doing anything you want. ANYTHING. 

Somebody (or a lot of somebodies) had to WORK to make a film this bad back in 2009 - the animation is horrible CGI, there's no attempt at proper lip-synch so you kind of have to infer which character is saying what at any given time. Notice that there's almost always one male character talking to one female character, then through the audio clues of lower voices and higher voices you can (sort of) determine who's saying what. But it's still difficult to follow and even harder to justify. 

Some of the actors use different names when they work on different animated projects, like acclaimed voice-over artist Keith Ferguson used the name "Jim Sullivan" in the credits here, I've got Wikipedia telling me that those names are used by the same actor, which is going to allow me to link to tomorrow's film. For a while I thought, maybe he's under exclusive contract to Disney or Warner Bros. and if he wants to do other projects outside of that company, he's got to use a pseudonym - but now I think it's because this film is so BAD that he doesn't really want anyone to know he worked on it. For sure it's not on his reel or his resume that he hands out. 

Ugh, let's get into it and then I'll be done with it. Snow White here is portrayed as a reckless teenager, she's always shirking her Princess duties and going "clubbing" with her friends - Goldilocks, Red Riding Hood and Little Bo Peep. These girls are collectively multi-racial and say "Holla!" a lot, that should give you an idea about when it was made. The dance club they go to also has a jousting match, sure, because it's Medieval Times - but Snow White has a cell phone!  And when she bites the apple, the spell causes her to say terrible things about her friends on social media, which is a network of crystal balls or something - that's very stupid. Why not just remake "Mean Girls" but with fairy tale princesses, that would be a better idea than this. 

Snow White's mother also dies early in the picture, so when the king realizes that Snow is out of control with the clubbing and the social media, he figures he'll get married again so she'll have a mother to teach her how to be a better, more giving woman. Umm, NITPICK POINT, why can't HE teach her that? Oh, right, because she's "Daddy's Little Girl" and he can't seem to discipline her in any way. It happens. But this is a chance for "Lady Vain" to get Rumpelstiltskin and the Magic Mirror to cast a spell so she looks EXACTLY like Snow White's dead mother. Right, because that won't seem suspicious at all. 

When the King sends his man-servant to the Fairy Godmother's dating service to start the search for his wife, the F.G. looks high and low and, of course, stumbles on the dead queen's exact double, and then it's not long before the marriage is scheduled, and Snow White, she doesn't take it well. This is what drives her to the forest to the home of the Seven Dwarves, she lets herself in and falls asleep in their beds. Geez, for a second I thought she was in the home of the Three Bears and they got her story confused with Goldilocks'.  When the dwarves tell her that her mother used to live with them (kinky, I did it...) they decide to make her stay and they teach her to do good deeds, like rebuild the houses of the Three Little Pigs and babysit for the Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe. Well, she DID have so many children, she didn't know what to do, but with Snow White's help, she has time to go to the spa and get a make-over!

The worst part of the film is how the characters Mambo and Munk carry over from the previous film, voiced by new actors because nobody wanted to return to this franchise, and their presence in the story makes no sense. They're "somewhere else" and they've got this big scale that they can't control, and somehow it tips fate toward either good or evil - but umm, where are they, and how does their scale affect the good or bad things that happen to Snow White? We already have the Magic Mirror, do we really need the Magic Scale in the story, too? Nope. But we have it. 

Somebody has to go out to the forest and find Snow White, before her father makes the big mistake of marrying Lady Vain, who will ruin the kingdom and probably kill the king once she becomes queen. Sir Peter, one of the king's bodyguards, finds her running a Help Center in the forest and they travel back to stop the wedding, just in time of course. The only way she can convince her father that she's changed and he doesn't have to get married is by apologizing for all the rude things she said about her friends, which she should have done ANYWAY, not just to stop the wedding. Lady Vain does not take this well and attacks Snow White, but her attack is reflected by the Magic Mirror, and it bounces back, removing her illusion spell and everyone can now see she's not as beautiful as the former queen. Ah, tough break, but she would have gotten away with it if not for those meddling dwarves...

The story is simplistic, it feels like it was written by a child, and as I said before, it looks terrible, as if it was made when computer animation was in the infancy stage. Well, it kinda was, except we already had "Shrek" and "Toy Story" movies which look a hundred times better. 

Directed by Steven E. Gordon & Boyd Kirkland

Also starring the voices of Gina K. Bowes, Cam Clarke (last heard in "Lego Batman: The Movie - DC Super Heroes Unite), Doug Erholtz, Jennie Fahn (last seen in "Gloria Bell"), Keith Ferguson (credited as Jim Sullivan) (last heard in "The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie"), Kate Higgins (last seen in "Hotel Artemis"), Helen Niedwick, Lex Lang (last heard in "Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2"), Christine Lakin (credited as Catherine Lavine) (last seen in "Georgia Rule"), Cindy Robinson (last heard in "The Forever Purge"), Doug Stone, Kirk Thornton, 

RATING: 2 out of 10 pieces of Humpty Dumpty