47 Ronin

Year 18, Day 157 - 6/6/26 - Movie #5,339

BEFORE: Now I'm deep into work, five whole days in a row! Now is about the time I wish I was still young, because both of my jobs are a bit physical, so for every two days I work in a row now, I feel like I need at least one day off to recover. Well, I'm just not going to get that this week, with the Tribeca Festival running, and I picked up five shifts, three of which are on successive days. The report from Day 1 (Friday) was that I saw Tim Blake Nelson and Vera Farmiga at one screening, they were on stage for a Q&A after, and then Emilia Clarke walked right by me (she was surrounded by cast, crew and security people) and she was on stage for a Q&A at the later screening. We worked with the festival staff to clear the theaters quickly after the screenings, so we could get them cleaned and start loading in the second show. Tomorrow's going to be busy, too so I'm thinking I should use one of my "skip" days for June and have no Sunday movie, really I just need to get some sleep and prepare. If I get home late on Saturday after the Liberty game, that's what I'll do - no Sunday movie. 

Keanu Reeves carries over from "From the World of John Wick: Ballerina". 

THE PLOT: A band of former samurai sets out to avenge the death and dishonor of their master at the hands of a ruthless shogun. 

AFTER: Well, Japanese movies are not really my thing, and this is basically a very Japanese movie, even if it's in English and was directed by an American. I still have not seen anything made by Kurosawa, and now if I'm only linking movies, it might be too late to do that. I know, I should watch "Ran" and "The Seven Samurai" if I'm going to call myself a movie buff, but I just have never been in the mood to do so. Hey, I did watch "The Last Samurai", and "The Magnificent Seven", which is basically the same as "The Seven Samurai", right? 

This one kind of surprised me though, I didn't think there would be much too it and I did not expect to like it, not as much anyway. But I got into it, even though I fell asleep on Friday night while watching it, that meant I backtracked on Saturday morning and watched the whole second half, but this time on Peacock, with subtitles. (Originally I watched the first half on a homemade DVD with no subtitles, and it was much harder for me to tell what was going on. I don't LIKE watching Peacock, because that has to be on my phone and not my computer screen, but here's where the subtitles really did make a difference, I needed them.)

This is supposedly based on a real Japanese story, however there's a fair amount of fantasy worked in, like witchcraft and ghosts and dragon-like creatures. So it might be hard to tell where reality leaves off and fantasy begins, but I think maybe that's part of the charm? Keanu Reeves plays Kai, a half-Japanese and half-English outcast who grew up in the Tengu area, but escaped  from his trainers when he was a teenager because they taught him to find in the manner of demons or something. He was found in the Ako domain and adopted by Lord Asano - over time he came to fall in love with Asano's daughter, Mika, only since Kai was not a samurai and also a half-breed, he could never be worthy of her love or something. 

Lord Kira, from another province, wants to take over the Ako Domain, with the help of Mizuki, a shape-shifting enchantress who can turn into a fox. Misuki sends a monster to kill Asano and his men while on a hunting trip, but the monster is slain by Kai, who notices the fox nearby.  Kai tries to warn Lord Asano's counselor, Oishi, about the shogun's concubine who is also a witch and sometimes a fox, but Oishi does not believe him.  Lord Kira then suggests a duel between his best warrior, a golem, and Asano's chosen combatant, but Mizuki incapacitates Asano's warrior with magic. Kai tries to disguise himself and fight the golem, but when he is unmasked he is beaten severely. Mizuki strikes again when she bewitches Asano to make him think that Kira is raping his daughter Mika, causing Asano to attack Kira, for no reason. The shogun then sentences Asano to death via seppuku, or ritual suicide. 

This gives Lord Kira domain over Ako and the shogun decrees that Mika must marry him, but she is granted one year to mourn her father before the wedding, but during this year she must stay with Lord Kira, I guess to get to know him better? Anyway, the counselor, Oishi and all of Asano's men are branded as ronin, masterless warriors, and they are also forbidden to avenge Asano and go after Lord Kira. For good measure, Oishi gets imprisoned in a pit and Kai is sold into slavery. 

A year later, Oishi gets released from prison, as he is deemed harmless - but he realizes that sorcery was used to frame Asano and he and his son, Chikara, try to reunite the scattered ronin, and also track down that half-breed, because he was a pretty good fighter, remember he fought like a demon almost. They find Kai in the fighting pits of a Dutch colony, and though the other ronin don't really care for Kai because he wasn't an official samurai, Oishi reminds them that NONE of them are samurai any more, so it doesn't really matter. They need his blade, and for that matter, they need a lot more weapons to boot.  Kai leads some of the men to the Tengu Forest, where he grew up, as he believes they can get some good swords there, if they pass the mystical testing process. Kai bests his former master in a duel, while Oishi is shown an illusion of his men being slaughtered, and manages to resist drawing his blade and fighting back. 

The ronin all reunite, since now they have the half-breed and enough swords to fight back. Their plan is to ambush Lord Kira on a pilgrimage, because he must visit the graves of his ancestors before he can marry Mika. One ronin is sent to the town Kira must travel to, to talk to some local riff-raff and whores to see if he can learn when Kira is planning to visit - but Mizuki is there and gives him false information so she can lure the ronin into a trap. Most of the ronin are killed in Mizuki's trap, and the rest need to come up with a new plan. 

What happens next reminds me a bit of "Star Wars", and also "The Wizard of Oz" - remember last week when I reviewed the "Wicked" movies I mentioned that as a kid, I realized that those movies had a lot in common, specifically that in one, the heroes dress up like palace guards to infiltrate the Wicked Witch's palace to free Dorothy, and the in the other, the heroes dress up like stormtroopers to infiltrate the Death Star to free Leia. OK, so here the heroes dress up like wedding performers to infiltrate Lord Kira's castle to free Mika. Same shit - of course, I also know that the original "Star Wars" movie was heavily influenced by Lucas' love of Kurosawa movies, among other sources. But there's a connection between Japanese films, Westerns, fantasy movies, hell there are connections between all movies, really. Certain basic themes and plot points resonate across all genres, combat and rescue and revenge, right vs. wrong and all that. 

Some of the ronin are granted access disguised as the wedding performers, while others scale the castle walls at night and take out the guards. It's a solid plan - but Oishi is on stage and is hit by a sentry's arrow, and the jig is up. Oishi fights Kira while Kai and Mika face Mizuki who attacks them as a dragon, and Kai has to unleash his demon-like fighting abilities to killer her. Oishi beheads Kira, and you'd think that would be the end of things, but then the whole thing has to be explained to the shogun, who had forbid any avenging of Lord Asano, and the penalty for breaking the shogun's rule is death. 

There's some good news, however, the Shogun decides that since Lord Kira used treachery in the first place, and the ronin who are still alive followed the principles of bushido, their honor as samurai is restored, and they will receive a proper burial - yes, they still need to kill themselves, so umm, yeah, not really seeing the upside there. I'm not sure most Western audiences would consider this a happy ending - Kai went through hell to rescue Mika, and now he doesn't get to be with her? Well, maybe in the next world - he did say he would search for her through a thousand worlds and ten thousand lifetimes, so good luck with all that, I guess. 

Directed by Carl Rinsch

Also starring Hiroyuki Sanada (last seen in "Speed Racer"), Ko Shibasaki, Tadanobu Asano (last seen in "Kate"), Min Tanaka, Jin Akanishi, Masayoshi Haneda (last seen in "Colette"), Hiroshi Sogabe, Takato Yonemoto (last seen in "Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie"), Hiroshi Yamada, Shu Nakajima, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (last seen in "Balls of Fury"), Neil Fingleton, Rinko Kikuchi (last seen in "The Brothers Bloom"), Natsuki Kunimoto, Togo Igawa (also carrying over from "From the World of John Wick: Ballerina"), Tanroh Ishida, Masayuki Deai, Yorick van Wageningen (last seen in "Escape Room: Tournament of Champions"), Clyde Kusatsu (last seen in "The United States of Leland"), Haruka Abe (last seen in "Cruella"), Tomoko Komura, Takako Akashi (last seen in "The King's Man"), Akira Koieyama (last seen in "Rush"), Arisa Maekawa, Daniel Barber, Gedde Watanabe (last heard in "Kung Fu Panda 4"), Manato Sekiguchi, Rick Genest, Kano Ichiki, Yuriri Naka (also last seen in "Speed Racer"), Jamie Tran, and the voices of Ron Bottitta (last seen in "In Good Company"), Victoria Grace. 

RATING: 6 out of 10 ghosts in the Tengu forest

From the World of John Wick: Ballerina

Year 18, Day 156 - 6/5/26 - Movie #5,338 - FATHER'S DAY FILM #3

BEFORE: OK, let's go, let's get this big festival train rolling, the sooner the ride starts the sooner it will be over and I can once again catch up on some sleeps. Today I'll be at the Tribeca Festival venue from 2:30 to whenever, maybe I'll be home tonight in time to post something about "Ballerina" and MAYBE watch another film for tomorrow, but I think by Monday I'll be looking to cash in one or both of my skip days and just focus on my job, then pick up movies again on Tuesday or Wednesday. It sure would make things easier. Let me check the actor birthdays for the next couple of films and see if I can justify that. 

Catalina Sandino Moreno carries over from "The Rip". Honestly, I don't even know what exactly to call this film - IMDB just lists it as "Ballerina" but my cable company uses the full title "From the World of John Wick: Ballerina", so, umm, which is it? Wiki also prefers the shorter title, saying that the "From The World of" part was just used for marketing purposes. Yes, as the NAME OF THE FILM. Quite often I think you'll find that the name of the film is very important to the marketing of the film. People need to know what to call the film when they buy a ticket at the box office. I'm going with the longer name because I think I filed the DVD alphabetically under "F", not "B". 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "John Wick: Chapter 4" (Movie #4,613)

THE PLOT: An assassin trained in the traditions of the Ruska Roma organization sets out to see revenge after her father's death. 

AFTER: Also, it's more hilarious to point out the studio's terrible marketing ideas. Everybody's just throwing darts at a dartboard at the end of the day and really, nobody at any studio has any idea what they're doing. Using "John Wick" in the title will put asses in the seats - but we don't want to call this "John Wick 5" because movie fans hate numbered sequels, and also John Wick is only in the film for about 10 minutes, max, and we don't want "John Wick" fans to get pissed off. Oh, we want them to come to the theaters, but we don't want them to expect a full "John Wick" movie because this is NOT that. So now it's a damned confusing mess, like if you're going to use the "John Wick" brand to sell tickets, then use it and own that. Don't just dance all around it, am I right? Like it's "Solo: A Star Wars Story" because it's "Star Wars" that puts butts in seats. You know somebody just wanted to call it "Solo" and they got voted down, right? 

This film is set between "John Wick: Chapter 3" and "Chapter 4", that should be obvious because the Continental is still in business, and it was closed down in Chapter 4. There's no real reason this couldn't have been a numbered John Wick movie, if they had just put him in more scenes or made him a bigger part of Eve Macarro's life, it all would have been fine. But she takes the lead here and acts like the one-woman army herself, so I guess maybe having John Wick do some of the grunt work or the killing could have taken away from her accomplishments. This is a bit like "Wicked" in that the main character doesn't even really know her own back story or her true parentage - the man she called her father may have been an assassin himself, only we don't see it, and we only know that he kidnapped her from the cult, which led to the death of her mother. The cult and the Chancellor raid their castle-like home, and her father dies in the process, but he got Eve to safety so she wouldn't be raised by the cultists. 

Instead she's found by Winston Scott, the manager of the New York Continental and he brings her to the Ruska Roma, a different assassins' society where she can major in assassin and also have a minor in ballet, or maybe it's the other way around. She trains for 12 years, and the final test is to kill another member who's jaded, her heart just isn't in it any more - ugh, what are you gonna do with these Gen Alpha kids, I ask you? - but this cements her reputation, completes her training and she earns the title of "Kikimora", whatever that means. At some point along the way she bumps into John Wick himself, and apparently he's got a reputation, because she expresses that she wants to be like him. Wick, meanwhile, says that he's looking for a way out of the lifestyle - yeah, that tracks. 

But Eve wants to use her new assassin skills to track down the cult that killed her father - Winston doesn't want to tell her at first who's responsible, because they don't play by the same rules as the other assassins. Killing isn't just business for them, it's also sport, and who doesn't love sports? Also, once she learns about them she can't unlearn them, but still, he tells her one former cultist, Daniel Pine, is staying at the hotel, having just recently rescued his own daughter from them - wait, that feels a bit familiar... When Eve goes to visit him, cult member Lena suddenly increases the bounty on him, causing several assassins to attack, hoping to earn the large payday. 

Pine gets shot, and his daughter Ella gets re-taken by the cult. Eve is incapacitated and the two assassins who attacked a guest of the Continental (it's against the rules) are executed. Well, that sure tidied up a few loose ends - after a few more cult members attack the Continental's arms dealer, he shares the location of their base in Austria with Eve so she can try to set things right, get Ella back for Pine and also track down whoever killed her own father. This means that basically the people she wants to kill are protected by a whole TOWN of ex-assassins, who moved there so they could, I don't know, practice the assassin lifestyle, or send their kids to assassin school, or maybe there were low property taxes, who can say? 

To prevent a war between the cult and the Ruska Roma, the Director sends John Wick into the fray, I'm sure with his very unpopular ideas about morality and inability to follow rules, he's only going to make things much more confusing. Yep. In the battle between Wick and Eve, Wick comes out on top and he urges her to abandon her pursuit of vengeance - he should know, it only ends after a lot of people die and you never really get your dead dog back, so umm, what's the point of it all? But he gives her until midnight to kill the Chancellor, and he even helps out by being a long-range sniper. Yeah, it's a bit weird how he was sent there to kill Eve, but then he helps her take down her target. Well, it's not a linear path sometimes, and even an assassin has to just follow his gut sometimes, if he takes a job and it doesn't feel right, he's allowed to switch things up, right? Hey, his actions ended up producing a result, even if it's not the result he was hired to achieve, it's still a result. 

There's an ending but no real resolution here - due to the death of the Chancellor, Eve ends up with a $5 million bounty on her head, and, well, good luck collecting that, everyone. What's really weird here is that the John Wick Franchise already had a character in "Parabellum" who was in the Ruska Roma, and who was a ballerina AND an assassin, only Eve is not that character, that character was named Rooney, and was played by Unity Phelan. So why make a whole new movie about a new character very similar to one from the previous movie, instead of just revealing Rooney's back-story? I have no idea. For that matter, why release the film just one week before "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning", because everyone's going to go see THAT movie instead of "Ballerina" in its second week of release. 

Directed by Len Wiseman (director of "Total Recall" (2012) and "Live Free or Die Hard")

Also starring Ana de Armas (last seen in "Blonde"), Keanu Reeves (last seen in "Much Ado About Nothing"), Ian McShane (last seen in "Death Race"), Anjelica Huston (last seen in "Daddy Day Care"), Gabriel Byrne (last seen in "No Pay, Nudity"), Ava Joyce McCarthy, Juliet Doherty, Norman Reedus (last seen in "The Bikeriders"), Lance Reddick (last seen in "Great Expectations"), Sharon Duncan-Brewster (last seen in "Imagine Me & You"), David Castaneda (last seen in "The Guilty"), Victoria Comte, Robert Maaser (last seen in "The Machine"), Sooyoung Choi, Jung Doo-hong, Anne Parillaud (last seen in "The Man in the Iron Mask"), Marc Cram (last seen in "The Catcher Was a Spy"), Rila Fukushima (last seen in "Annette"), Abraham Popoola (last seen in "Atlas"), Magdalena Sittova, Waris Ahluwalla (last seen in "Okja"), Daniel Bernhardt (last seen in "Lou"), Anna Schmidtmajerova, Emilie Paclova, Jackson Spidell (last seen in "Blue Beetle"), James Beaumont, Tracie Bennett, Stephanie Brush (last seen in "Knock Knock, It's Tig Notaro"), Mirko Marchesi, Zac Ladkin, Togo Igawa (last seen in "Speed Racer")

RATING: 5 out of 10 flamethrowers (sure, they look cool, but how effective are they? You can't kill five assassins with one unless you also burn down the entire town...)

The Rip

Year 18, Day 155 - 6/4/26 - Movie #5,337

BEFORE: I just want one last quiet day at home before the madness starts, and I have to report in at the Tribeca Festival tomorrow. Working at the WNBA game last night was a bit weird because everybody in town really just wanted to watch the Knicks game, it was being screened in Central Park and I walked past places in Brooklyn that were projecting the game on the sides of buildings, for everyone to watch. Bars were full and I suspect that many people at the Liberty game were also watching the Knicks game on their phones at the same time, and wondering why they didn't just put it up on the big screen in the stadium so everyone could watch two games at the same time. Things are only going to get crazier - I'll be working the next five days so I'll be at home very little in the week to come. And on top of everything else, I need to find a way to watch the "Mandalorian" movie before it disappears from theaters, if I don't it's going to throw my whole July Doc Block into jeopardy. Good news, the Discount Tuesday program at AMC seems to have been extended to cover Wednesdays too, so I might be able to sneak out next Wednesday and watch a movie on a big screen in an actual theater, which would be a rare occurrence for me. I'll keep you updated. 

Kyle Chandler carries over from "Back in Action".

THE PLOT: A group of Miami cops discovers a stash of millions in cash, leading to distrust as outsiders learn about the huge seizure, making them question who to rely on. 

AFTER: At first I just thought this was going to be another reverse-heist film, you know, like "A Working Man" was - something that focuses on the people trying to STOP crime, instead of the ones doing it. But then I realize that like "A Working Man", the whole thing was a lot more complicated, because sometimes there are dirty cops (or security guards) and sometimes working around a lot of money turns good people into bad people. Then I realized that this was also a play on "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre", which is what that situation tends to remind me of - you take good people and you give them access to treasure or a lot of money, and then you watch them try to outwit each other to get the money, or start acting paranoid or crazy because of the money. 

So that's what we're dealing with here, essentially, but there are a lot more layers to it, and a lot more players involved. The main characters are Miami cops who are trying to solve the murder of one of their fellow cops, in the midst of a series of raids on criminal stash houses, with rumors flying around about dirty cops who might be behind all that, which is what the deceased police tactical team member just happened to be investigating. Before she died, Capt. Jackie Velez managed to text an address to her second-in-command, Dane, which leads him to assemble the team and conduct a search of that address. Now they don't have a warrant, so they do a little trickery and coercion to gain access to the property, the woman who owns the house says it belonged to her late grandmother, and the cops discover a stash in the attic, where the homeowner swears she has never even been. Umm, sure, I guess some previous tenant left millions of dollars lying around in plastic buckets and then forgot about it? 

Dane goes a little overboard when he realizes that the amount of money stashed in the attic far exceeds what he expecting, his earlier tip said there might be $150K there, perhaps up to $300K, but a few million is a whole different ball game. Suddenly Dane shuts the operation down, demands the cell phones of all of his team members and insists that they count the money there before bringing it in, following certain protocols that would theoretically prevent any of his squad members from taking the cash. He also insists on manual counting, which could take all night - which would only be a problem if the drug dealers or whatever were watching from afar and threatening to attack and kill everyone in 30 minutes. 

The homeowner suggests that the cops just take whatever amount of money they want, and keep it without reporting it - she apparently has some kind of deal with the criminals, whose only instructions to her were to stay out of the attic and to clear out of the house for a few hours when instructed to do so, so they could move cash in and out without being seen, and then she would get paid for her silence. Seems like not too bad of a deal, sure, just let criminals store their money in your attic, what could possibly go wrong there? 

The psychological game then kicks in, because Dane does not know if any of his team members have some kind of similar deal with criminals, if they're also getting paid for their silence, or worse, taking money from the stashes they find without reporting them. For that matter, Dane's team does not know if HE is on the take, which I suppose is just as likely, and therefore all of his odd decisions and sudden demand for secrecy does seem a little suspect. There are other possibilities of course, the DEA tactical squad could be behind the recent raids, then the FBI agents have been on the case as well, and team member J.D Byrne's brother is on the FBI squad, and they appear to have a very contentious rivalry.  

Things get weirder when the house takes heavy gunfire, one officer is wounded and then Byrne finds a cartel lookout in a neighboring house, however that lookout's boss swears that the cartel did NOT attack the house, and did NOT kill Capt. Velez, and he also suggests that the cops should just take the money and go, it would be the easiest thing for all parties involved in this thing. Hey, it's not every day that you here the drug cartel ask you to take their money and call it a wash, that's for sure. 

Tensions run high, the team members start accusing each other and a fight breaks out, accidentally setting the house on fire. Great, as if things weren't already bad enough - a couple officers are instructed to stay behind and report the fire, while the DEA shows up with their armored vehicle and offers to help deliver the money bags to a secure police lock-up. That's when things get really weird, with three TNT members and one DEA agent in the tank/truck with the money, all the secrets and lies get exposed. Perhaps nothing has been what it seemed all night long, and perhaps Dane only pretended to be willing to pack up the cash and leave. Perhaps nobody really called headquarters about the situation, for whatever reason, and has been waiting for the right moment to seize an opportunity and a few bags of cash. 

Everything turns out to be somewhat important, so you kind of have to pay close attention, and it's really a different play on the "whodunnit"-type detective story, and you're never really sure if the situation is what it claims to be, or if it's all some pretense as part of a larger trap, of sorts. Pretty clever in the end. And it's based on a true story of Miami-Dade County police whose narcotics squad did conduct a raid on a private residence that turned up $20 million - surely that amount of money would have an effect on anyone, even police officers. There are probably a lot of people in this world who would immediately kill everyone in the room if they thought it would lead to possessing that amount of money.  

And to think I used to get nervous about walking across the San Diego Comic-Con floor to get to the main office with maybe $1,500 in cash in my pocket, just to put the deposit down on the booth for the following year...

Directed by Joe Carnahan (director of "Boss Level" and "Smokin' Aces")

Also starring Matt Damon (last heard in "Inside Job"), Ben Affleck (last seen in "The Accountant 2"), Steven Yeun (last seen in "Mickey 17"), Teyana Taylor (last seen in "One Battle After Another"), Catalina Sandino Moreno (last seen in "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse"), Sasha Calle (last seen in "The Flash"), Scott Adkins (last seen in "John Wick: Chapter 4"), Daisuke Tsuji, Nestor Carbonell (last seen in "Bandit"), Lina Esco (last seen in "LOL"), Alex Hernandez (last seen in "Bloodshot"), Cliff Chamberlain, Jose Pablo Cantillo (last seen in "Crank: High Voltage"), Sal Lopez (last seen in "Black Panther: Wakanda Forever"), Angel Rosario Jr., Isabella Aparicio (last seen in "Blue Beetle"), Chris Casiano, Lourdes Hernandez, Jovan Perez, Jesse Valdivia, Joel Perez (last seen in "tick, tick...BOOM!"), with the voice of Joe Carnahan (last seen in "The A-Team").

RATING: 7 out of 10 bullet-proof vests (you'd think they keep people safer, but don't they just cause your enemy to aim at your head?)

Back in Action

Year 18, Day 154 - 6/3/26 - Movie #5,336 - FATHER'S DAY FILM #2

BEFORE: Looking back on last year, there were TEN films that I counted as Father's Day films. Maybe I was being a bit too inclusive, because I don't really need TEN, I could be fine with three or four, I don't need to overload on any one topic, but then again, once I start looking for films with fathers in them, you can bet I'm going to find a bunch of them. So let's start the count with June 1 and I'll go from there - that would make this the second one. Heck, with a married couple with kids, putting this one between Mother's Day and Father's Day should be a no-brainer, right? Yes, I know I've got to watch "Spy Kids" one of these years, those films are on the list. 

Poppy Townsend White carries over from "Cleaner". 

THE PLOT: Former CIA spies Emily and Matt are pulled back into espionage after their secret identities are exposed. 

AFTER: I want to give a shout-out today to stuntmen, and stuntwomen - these action films have casts that are filled with stunt performers and I decided a while back to NOT keep track of most stuntpersons, for the main reason that it would be a lot of "extra" work. Some of these action films could employ dozens of people, and I only want to keep track of actors who have lines or play named characters. That makes most of the stunt community ineligible for my year-end wrap-up lists - a stunt person could be in a dozen films that I watched within a year, and even if I'm aware of that, I'm going to ignore their efforts - I apologize across the board, however my ruling is not likely to change. I will make exceptions for any time a stunt performer plays their own character, and that character has a name and is not just listed as "thug #2". My other justification for this is that I only want to deal with actors who are SEEN on camera, and most of the time stunt people are trying hard to NOT be seen, or they're pretending to be someone else who is more famous and isn't insured to do stunt-work. In today's film a number of stunt people are credited as named characters, so good for them - however since most of their other appearances are done anonymously, it probably won't help any of them make the year-end countdown anwyay. 

The opening 15 minutes of this film is filled with action and stunts, the part set in the past when Matt and Emily, two CIA operatives, start working together and also start a relationship at the same time. Emily has learned that she is pregnant, however they have been tasked with stealing a device from Balthazzar Gor, a Polish agent-turned terrorist, and they do so by crashing his child's birthday party, and stealing his voice ID and fingerprint when Emily shakes his hand. This grants them access to the safe where the device is stored, and it's a device that can control ANY electronic system, the ultimate hacking tool. Unfortunately this is probably like the 7th or 8th movie that I've seen that features such a device. 

The agents escape via car chase and make it to their rendezvous point, then board a plane for the U.S. Unfortunately the flight crew has been compromised with agents who are on Gor's payroll, and this leads to a mid-air attempt on their lives, a mid-air battle with those enemy agents, and the unfortunate mid-air death of the pilot due to a rogue bullet. So the plane crashes in the European mountains, and the fuselage proceeds to slide down a mountain without its wings. After killing the last few agents, Matt and Emily find ONE parachute, but manage to share it while they exit the plane JUST as it reaches a cliff and explodes below them.  

Considering her pregnancy, they decide to use the plane crash to pretend to be dead and go off the grid, simultaneously going "all-in" on the relationship and ready to face a life of being (relatively) normal parents. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? Fast-forward to 15 years later, the ex-agents are married and live in Atlanta with two teenage children, Alice and Leo. They're starting to have problems with teenage rebellion, especially with Alice, who they learn (via hacking her computer) has a fake ID and is going clubbing with her friends. She's also interested in boys, which they learned from spying on her outside of school - once a spy, always a spy, I guess. 

Using phone-tracking tech, the two parents find their daughter in a nightclub, and demand that she come home. This leads to some young men who don't want Alice to leave causing some trouble, and the agents resort to their old habits, easily beating these men in a bar brawl with their CIA martial arts expertise. Despite trying to clear the phones of some of their attackers, footage of the bar brawl does get posted, so they get a visit from their old handler, Chuck, who warns them that if he could find them, so could Gor, and then Chuck is promptly shot and (seemingly) killed, right on their doorstep. 

Cue another car chase, as the parents race to their kids' school to pull them out of class (umm, NITPICK POINT, pretty sure you can't do that without proving you're their parents) and they all fly to England, telling the kids that it's time to meet their grandmother for the first time. Emily's mother, of course, is a noted MI-6 agent and sniper, and Matt took the opportunity at some point to hide the ICS "hacking" key in her stately manor home. MI-6 agents, including Emily's ex-boyfriend, track them pretty much as soon as they land at Heathrow. Before long the parents have to reveal their pasts to their own children, in order to explain why they now have new names on their fake passports. 

While the kids awkwardly meet their estranged grandmother for the first time, Matt and Emily find the key hidden in her house, only to then have Polish mercenaries attack, and the non-dead Chuck, who is working for the enemy, gains possession of the Key. He plans to auction off the key to the highest bidder at a black-tie event at a museum, while holding Alice and Leo hostage. As a demonstration of the key's power, he causes a blackout across London and opens the floodgates of the Thames Barrier, which could somehow cause all of London to be, well, flooded. 

All of this leads to a very complicated motorcycle and boat chase through London, which sure reminds me of the one I saw in "The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard". Just saying. But the whole family team gets involved, while the parents rescue their kids from their evil ex-handler, Emily's mother Ginny does sniper work while Ginny's boyfriend crashes into a van to get control of the key, and ineptly struggles to get those floodgates back up, which would conveniently save London from a flood and also create something for Chuck's boat to crash into, preventing his escape. 

Everyone gets back to Atlanta in time for Alice's soccer game (Whew, that was close) and before the kids could miss too much school. Hey, I guess the family that CIA's together stays together... There will most likely be a sequel film, because at the very end Emily's ex-boyfriend Baron shows up in the U.S. because he wants to recruit Emily's father, who we have not met yet, for a mission. Hmm, will he be played by Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth or Sean Bean? I guess we'll have to wait to find out. 

NITPICK POINT #2: It's unlikely that any computer programmer would have had the ability 15 years ago to design any kind of "universal hacking" device, and then for it to be missing 15 years and then work just as well, that's even more unlikely. It's more reasonable to assume that most systems have been upgraded or re-designed over a 15-year time span, and then the Key would probably not work on them. Right? I mean, it probably doesn't even have a USB connector on it. 

Directed by Seth Gordon (director of "Baywatch" and "Identity Thief")

Also starring Jamie Foxx (last seen in "Martha"), Cameron Diaz (last seen in "Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond"), McKenna Roberts (last seen in "Barbie"), Rylan Jackson (last seen in "Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves"), Kyle Chandler (last seen in "Slumberland"), Glenn Close (last seen in "Wake Up Dead Man"), Andrew Scott (ditto), Jamie Demetriou (last seen in "Jay Kelly"), Fola Evans-Akingbola, Robert Besta, Bashir Salahuddin (last seen in "Family Switch"), Tom Brittney (last seen in "Film Stars Don't Die in Liverpool"), Ben VanderMey (last seen in "The Six Triple Eight"), Jude Mack (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning"), Ivan Ivashkin (ditto), Lee Charles (ditto), Luyanda Unati Lewis-Nyawo, Tobi Bamtefa (last seen in "How to Build a Girl"), Leela Owen, Cruz Hadley, Zion James, Katrina Durden (last seen in "Heads of State"), Erol Ismail (last seen in "Lift"), Jess Liaudin (ditto), George Surry (last seen in "Kraven the Hunter"), Victoria Howell, Erol Mehmet, Gregory Konow (last seen in "Spider-Man: No Way Home"), Anthea Greco (last heard in "Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio"), Sonny Louis, Matthew Stirling, Andrius Davidenas, Tom Crowley, Elizabeth Hill, David Shaw Parker (last seen in "The Man Who Knew Infinity"), Lucy Sheen (last seen in "Secrets & Lies"), George Wigzell, Steve Wiebe (last seen in "Pixels"), Chereena Miller, Brent Parris, Alfredo Tavares (last seen in "Wicked")

RATING: 6 out of 10 components of a full English breakfast

Cleaner

Year 18, Day 153 - 6/2/26 - Movie #5,335

BEFORE: Right now it's the "calm between the storms", since we wrapped on the NewFest Pride event last night and the Tribeca Festival starts in just two days. I was scheduled for four Tribeca shifts but I left myself available in case someone else calls out, and that just happened, so now I'm down for five shifts over the course of a 12-day event. That's fine, I lost two weeks for vacation and then funeral so I need to catch up and make some money. I was planning to see a matinee of "The Mandalorian and Grogu" on June 9, now I'm going to have to delay that a week and try to catch in on June 16. (There's a discount Tuesday program at AMC). It's all good, that's still 2 weeks before I want to post a review. Anyway, this is why I made skip days and why I said that I'd probably need them during the Tribeca Festival. It's going to be THE PLACE for important new films and also some star-studded tributes, so really it's where I want to be working behind the scenes. 

Kalyn Harper carries over from "Playdate".

THE PLOT: Criminal activists hijack a gala, taking 300 hostages. One extremist plans mass murder as a message to the world, but an ex-soldier turned window cleaner works to rescue the hostages. 

AFTER: Yeah, this film kind of puts me in a delicate spot - I want to be nice, I want to give it a good review, but that would mean overlooking a few things. But don't get me wrong, it's great that they're making action films with strong female characters, we've seen the "one-man army" formula applied to Jason Statham again and again, also Liam Neeson, Keanu Reeves, Bruce Willis and more recently, Chris Hemsworth and even Bob Odenkirk. One-WOMAN army films are less common, still there's Charlize Theron, Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie and Uma Thurman who have given it a go. So now we have Daisy Ridley as an ex-army Special Forces type who must have aged out of the program and taken a job as a window cleaner on a London skyscraper. Well, I guess, I mean who knows more about rappelling down from high places - but a cleaning job? 

There's a bit of wordplay with the title, though because "Cleaner" also could refer to cleaner sources of energy that are being promoted by the corporation that occupies the skyscraper, the Agnian Energy Group, but apparently the company isn't as "clean" as they say they are, because environmental activists infiltrate the company's gala presentation, disguised as an Asian dance group, presumably the evening's entertainment. However they're wearing masks and also are protected from the knockout gas that puts many of the party's guests to sleep, leaving the board members that the activists want to confess the company's sins so they can broadcast them on the internet. It seems the "cleaner" company has been polluting and exploiting Third World countries, while maintaining a separate corporate image. 

Oh, if only there were someone nearby who had not only access to the building's systems, but also the combat knowledge to take these activists down. Thankfully there is, unfortunately she's stuck on a movable scaffold outside the building because her boss made her work late, also she mouthed off to an executive in an elevator, so the boss kind of "stranded" her outside for a bit, and wouldn't you it, the terrorists killed him before he could release his override of the scaffold control. So she can only watch helplessly from outside as the activists subdue the executives and even kill a couple to show they mean business. To make matters worse, her autistic adult brother, who's been kicked out of yet another care home has been put under her supervision, and he's somewhere inside the building with the terrorists, too.

She also JUST found out that one of her co-workers, another window cleaner, is part of the activist group - it's possible that he took the job so he could study the building and learn all the various methods of entry and other holes in the building's security. That tracks but I wonder if I'm helping the screenwriter here by filling in the gaping holes in the plot. It's also a huge drawback that the main action star here is essentially sidelined for a major portion of the film, unable to act or even get back in the building. Imagine if Bruce Willis as John McClane got up into the duct-work of the Nakatomi Tower and got stuck there, and couldn't get out for a large portion of "Die Hard". That's not an action movie, that's an inaction movie. 

The news is not all terrible, because Joey manages to stop the scaffold and burn a flaming "SOS" message on the side of the building. She also gets in contact with the London police SWAT team, so they know that she's not a threat and has the skills to help, once she figures out how to break a window and get back inside. Also, her autistic brother happens to be some kind of hacking genius, of course, he got kicked out of care homes for hacking their files, so if she can reach him, he could be able to plug in and prevent the activist's forced confessions from reaching their audience. But still her ex-co-worker becomes the new leader of the group by assassinating the old leader, and he wants to just kill everyone, he's got a dead-man's switch rigged to his own body so even if he gets killed, the building could still blow up real good. 

But if anyone's got the skills to fix everything, it's this former army agent turned window cleaner, right? Why, it's almost like some screenwriter thought about a typical day in the life of someone doing this very typical job and tried to imagine all of the things that could possibly go wrong...

Directed by Martin Campbell (director of "Memory" and "The Protégé")

Also starring Daisy Ridley (last seen in "Ophelia"), Matthew Tuck, Clive Owen (last seen in "Killer Elite"), Taz Skylar, Flavia Watson, Ruth Gemmell, Ray Fearon (last seen in "Memory"), Lee Boardman (ditto), Howard Charles, Rufus Jones (last seen in "Wonka"), Richard Hope, Gavin Fleming, Poppy Townsend White, Dudley Watts, Calvin Warrington-Heasman, Andreea Diac (last seen in "Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker"), Russell De Rozario (last seen in "Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard"), Kate Nichols (also last seen in "Memory"), Stella Stocker (ditto), Sol E. Romero (ditto), Celine Arden, Melissa Humler, Ben Essex, Rebecca Bellavia, Tom Boney, David Cheung, Joshua Ravenscroft, Melanie Grey, Regina Seifert, Akie Kotabe (last seen in "The Son"), Lorna Lowe, Cassandra Spiteri, Simon Uttley, Atanas Srebrev (last seen in "Mechanic: Resurrection"), Einar Haraldsson.

RATING: 5 out of 10 "bird strikes"

Playdate

Year 18, Day 152 - 6/1/26 - Movie #5,334 - FATHER'S DAY FILM #1

BEFORE: Alan Tudyk carries over from "The Twits". And here are the actor links that should get me through June, past Father's Day and all the way to the Doc Block: Kalyn Harper, Poppy Townsend White, Kyle Chandler, Catalina Sandino Moreno, Keanu Reeves, Sandra Oh, Frankie Muniz, Anna Chancellor, Saoirse Ronan, Tamara Lawrence, WIllem Dafoe, Emily Watson, Paul Mescal, Sally Messham, John Sessions, Helen Mirren, Liev Schreiber, Austin Butler, Pedro Pascal and Sigourney Weaver. You know, because we're looking at a month where there's room for John Wick and Cody Banks and William Shakespeare and Golda Meir and then Grogu somehow. It sounds weird, maybe the Doc Block just can't get here enough...

THE PLOT: Brian has been fired from his job and becomes a stay-at-home dad. He accepts a playdate invitation from another stay-at-home dad who turns out to be a loose cannon. 

AFTER: I was going to watch this film earlier in the year, but now I can't remember if that was going to be between two Isla Fisher movies or two films with Paul Walter Hauser. It hardly matters, the important point is that I dropped it, probably from the middle of someone's three-movie mini-chain, because it kind of felt like a Father's Day film, maybe. But I couldn't be sure that I could get back to it near Father's Day, that sort of thing is rather unpredictable - however a lot of the actor's names were coded in blue or green on my list, and that means there are connections. So I figured I had a pretty good shot at circling back to it, and OK, looks like I was right. I delayed this just a couple of days to get it into June - which thematically is for dads and grads, and I've probably got more of the former than the latter. If I can stay on track there will be two notable recent father-centric films on the holiday weekend itself, and other father-related plot points will be considered a bonus. 

But it's funny how it feels like as soon as it's not a theme month and I've got the chance to go anywhere and watch a movie about any topic, I get pulled right back into spy or heist or other action films. "Cleanskin", "Black Bag", "My Spy: The Eternal City", "Heads of State", "Deep Cover", "Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre", "Killer Elite", "Homefront", "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning", "G20" and so on - the only reason May wasn't packed with action films was probably due to me taking half of the month off. But it's June and I'm back on the topic - today's film isn't technically about spies, but instead normal dads caught up in a weird military industrial/government (?) affair, but it still kind of counts as intrigue of a sort. More spy and assassin-based films are on the way, like "Back in Action" and that John Wick spin-off film. 

Everything here starts with a very simple premise, what if a normal man lost his job and his wife went back to work, and he just became a stay-at-home dad for a while, and got a chance to bond with his stepson? I mean, what could POSSIBLY go wrong there? Well, that's the screenwriter's job, to think of a very basic plot and then come up with a whole lot of different ways that it can go wrong, because there's a movie in every simple story if you just make it all go sideways or tits-up. Brian is convinced that sports is the answer to bonding with young Lucas, they just have to find the right sport. But Brian's coaching of the lacrosse team and putting Lucas in the game in a clutch moment (that's probably a conflict of interest) is ruined when he describes the come-from-behind pivotal turning point of the game as if it's occurring in slow-motion, and Lucas takes him literally and tries to slow-motion walk toward the goal, and turns out to be a terrible idea. Lucas gets tackled by the other team and then roughed up again later by his own teammates. 

So they go out on a different day and toss the old football around - right next to another father/son pair doing the same thing on the same day. Lucas kind of bonds with CJ, the other boy, and before you know it, they're invited by Jeff, the other dad, to come over for a playdate and then eat pizza at Buckee Cheese (possibly a ficitonal mash-up of the famous pizza restaurant for kids with the also-popular Buckee's rest stops, seen across the U.S. southern states). Suddenly a group of mercenaries attacks the restaurant, and they want to end this little male bonding fest. After a fight involving both the mercs and the restaurant's mascots, the foursome escape in a stolen minivan and are further pursued in a high-speed chase with explosions and everything. 

Jeff is forced to reveal that he is an ex-Delta Force soldier, who after his discharge was forced to take security guard work at a top-secret facility and discovered CJ being held prisoner there, so he broke him out and they've been hiding out ever since. Now that armed mercenaries have found them, they're forced to all hide out at Jeff's estranged father's house - they can't really stay there, but they do put a plan together to return to the mystery facility and kidnap an employee in order to determine what exactly is taking place there. 

There is a bunch of cool stuff in this film, in addition to the action, some of which I haven't seen before - there's a whole army of cloned teen soldiers-in-training, and honestly I haven't seen that as a plot-point since "Star Wars: Episode II". (It's funny, I was just going through old photos last week and I found some from my first year of autograph collecting, which included meeting Daniel Logan at SDCC, probably in 2003). Of course, we don't KNOW about the clone army at the start of this film, it's something that comes up later. All we know is that the scientists harvested Jeff's DNA because he's a perfect physical specimen, only the clones are emotionless and have no morals, therefore no hesitation about killing and no PTSD later on. Jeff's former commander teamed up with an eccentric billionaire scientist to perfect the cloning technique and attempt to create a new perfect and replaceable army. 

The billionaire and his henchmen threaten to harm Brian's wife, so he leads Jeff into a trap, where young CJ is taken from him and returned to the facility he came from. But this allows the other characters to enact a rescue mission thanks to the accidental transfer of Lucas's tracking device to CJ when he loans him his jacket. When in doubt, just steal another gray minivan, crash it into whatever building you need to get into, and with luck you'll also run over the villain at the same time. Well, it's not the worst philosophy to live by...

Directed by Luke Greenfield (director of "The Girl Next Door" and "Something Borrowed")

Also starring Kevin James (last seen in "True Memoirs of an International Assassin"), Alan Ritchson (last seen in "Ordinary Angels"), Sarah Chalke (last seen in "The Wrong Missy"), Stephen Root (last seen in "Big Miracle"), Isla Fisher (last seen in "Jay Kelly"), Benjamin Pajak, Banks Pierce, Hiro Kanagawa (last seen in "The Company You Keep"), Miles Fisher (last seen in "Dean"), Luke Greenfield (last seen in "Let's Be Cops"), Paul Walter Hauser (last seen in "Springsteen: Deliver Me from Nowhere"), Lauren Akemi Bradley, Sarah Surh (last seen in "Colossal"), Sabrina Dhowre Elba (last seen in "Three Thousand Years of Longing"), Massiel Taveras, Kalyn Harper, Peter New (last seen in "Monster Trucks"), Kiefer O'Reilly (last seen in "Rememory"), Benjamin Goas, AJ Kostynick, Elenna Anastacio, Jason William Day (last seen in "The Smashing Machine"), Kian Pitman, Patti Gervan, Chase Nicholson, Beth Greenfield, Tess Atkins, Madie Vredegoor (last seen in "Cut Bank"), Aron Cihelka, Pedram Younesi, Chase Petriw, Sarah Hayward (last seen in "Miracle"), Francisca Dennis, 

with archive footage of Anthony Hopkins (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning"), Ice Cube, Emile Hirsch (last seen in "The Comeback Trail") and Zach Galifianakis (last heard in "The Bob's Burgers Movie"). 

RATING: 5 out of 10 Kings Hawaiian rolls

The Twits

Year 18, Day 151 - 5/31/26 - Movie #5,333

BEFORE: OK, today is the LAST day of May so I've got one final film for the month, then I'm on to Father's Day material, I think. It's 21 days away, sure, so let's see how many father-based films the chain has picked for me, I know it's at least three, but fathers kind of turn up everywhere, and sometimes when you least expect them to. I've got 19 films to watch in those 21 days, so I still have two skip days available to me, I will try to get through the first week of June without burning one, as I may be busiest during the second week of the month. Again, I'll keep an eye on actor birthdays to see if that gives me any more insight over lining up the films with the calendar. The secondary goal is to review "The Mandalorian & Grogu" before the end of next month. 

I've only watched 16 movies in May, here's the format breakdown: 

MAY

6 Movies watched on cable (saved to DVD): Gridiron Gang, The Smashing Machine, Marty Supreme, Jules, Big Miracle, Bad Moms

4 watched on Netflix: Spiderhead, Wake Up Dead Man, Matilda: The Musical, The Twits

2 watched on Hulu: Thelma, Lee

2 watched on Disney+: Zootopia 2, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves!

2 watched on Peacock: Wicked, Wicked: For Good

16 TOTAL

Dee Bradley Baker carries over from "Wicked: For Good", where he voiced Chistery, the leader of the Flying Monkeys. 

THE PLOT: Two orphans join forces with a family of magical animals to save their city from the powerful Mr. and Mrs. Twit - the meanest, smelliest, nastiest people in the world. 

AFTER: Just my luck, this is another film based on a Roald (Ronald, really) Dahl book - a beloved children's classic that, much like his other books, was extremely weird and out there and blew people's minds back before the Reagan era. Apparently he wrote the whole book just to prove that people with beards are nasty. Well, he wasn't wrong. Dahl was also very adamant about nobody, ever, EVER changing anything about his book "The Twits", but still in 2023 Penguin Books went in and changed a whole bunch of passages because, well, some ideas and some themes in the book were not crucial to the main story. Also kids were deemed unworthy of learning about foot warts and men keeping bits of their breakfast in their beards so they could have a snack later. 

Then the film company changed a BUNCH more things apparently, and again, Roald Dahl insisted that nobody ever change his written words, so they changed a bunch of his IDEAS when they made the movie. A-HA, he never forbid that at all, so let's all take advantage of the dead author thanks to a technicality.  

The Twits are a horrible married couple, who hate everyone and also each other - they are retired circus monkey trainers, and they want to open up their own theme park, called Twitlandia. They constantly prank each other by hiding worms in plates of spaghetti, and they also keep a live toad in their bed. If you lick the toes of the toad, your personality becomes "opposite" of what it was before, remember that because it could be important later. The Twits also use a very sticky glue called "Hugtight" to catch birds to Mrs. Twit can bake them into pies - and when we first see them in this film, they're stealing a giant truck filled with liquid hot dog meat, and they fill the town watertower with that, until it explodes and fills the town with stinky liquid meat by-products. 

The Twits also keep a family of magical animals called Muggle-Wumps captive, in the book it's because they want to create a circus act of upside-down monkeys, but in the film the monkeys are kept standing on their heads because that makes them cry, and their tears power the electrical supply to the Twitlandia Park somehow. The movie adds a couple of kids who live at a city orphanage, who want to both solve the mystery of who filled the water tower with hot dog meat (which was done in revenge for their team park being shut down after MANY health and safety violations) but also they want to free the Muggle-Wumps once they learn about them.  And because these two kids, Beesha and Busby, are filled with childlike compassion, they can understand what the Muggle-Wumps are saying.

The Twits get arrested because Beesha recorded them with her body-cam, admitting to their hot dog meat-related crime. However they are soon bailed out by a family who want the town to be fun again, like it was in times past, and the Twits also promised everyone a million dollars if they can be allowed to re-open their park and charge admission again. The Twits go right to the orphanage and try to get their Muggle-Wumps back, first by promising to "adapt" orphaned Beesha, then by threats. But as we learned in "Matilda", Mr. Dahl believed that it's OK for kids to be nasty to adults if the adults are nasty to them first - so the orphans trick the Twits into jumping out the window. 

The Twits then feel the only way they will get their park open and the Muggle-Wumps back is to run for mayor in the upcoming election, and they do this by feeding the current mayor, Wayne John Jon-Jon, a cake made with laxatives, which causes his butt to explode. Classy. Beesha tries to crash the election, but it's too late, the Twits have promised everyone in the town money and success and so much winning that they may all get TIRED of winning (sound familiar?) so the Twits become co-mayors of the town, and they are now free to steal their animals back and also tear down the orphanage in revenge, or at least move it to someplace very inconvenient. 

During their first performance at the re-opened Twitlandia Park, Beesha manages to get both Twits to lick the Sweet Toed Toad's toes, so they immediately become their opposites, a pair of decent-minded people who let captive animals loose and apologize for their misdeeds by blowing up all of their amusement park rides. But even this is not enough revenge for Beesha (she's such a Matilda, really...) so she pranks the Twits by rearranging their living room furniture on the ceiling, as if the room is upside down. The stupid Twits then determine that they are, in fact, standing on the ceiling and not the floor, and they need to stand on their heads to correct things. Well, that would be the first time blood made it to their brains, at least - and when they stand on their heads, they find that they are glued to the floor thanks to that very strong glue they used before to trap birds. 

The orphans celebrate, they have finally defeated the Twits and saved the Muggle-Wumps, however now that they have enacted vengeance on the Twits, their childhood innocence is GONE and they can no longer understand what the animals are saying. Well, karma is a bitch, isn't it? So they decide to SAVE the Twits, who are in danger of dying from the "Dreaded Shrinks", which is what happens when you stand on your head for too long, your neck shrinks into your head, your legs shrink into your body, and eventually you disappear by collapsing into your own body. 

Oh, I forgot to mention that the entire story is told by Pippa, a female firefly, to her infant son as a bedtime story, near the end when the Twits fly off because of a helium balloon prank, Pippa and her son can be seen flying out of Mr. Twit's beard, which is where they've been the whole time.  Umm, sure. The orphanage is returned to its original location, and the town is a FUN capital destination again, because the Muggle-Wumps vomit out these little florbnorble characters when they get anxious, and they've been so very anxious lately.  Apparently the florbnorbles are lots of fun when you have so many of them.  And the Twits end up in Loompaland (where the Oompa Loompas come from, I'd wager) and get eaten by a gigantic Sweet-Toed Toad.  That seems about right. 

This is the best sort of story to tell with an animated film - a lot of the stuff that happens here would be IMPOSSIBLE to film in live-action. So sure, make it into an animated film, however it's still quite a lot of silly things happening, and the narrative is bound to pale by comparison to other films that aren't packed up with wall-to-wall nonsense as this is. 

Directed by Todd Demong, Phil Johnston (director of "Ralph Breaks the Internet"), Katie Shanahan

Also starring Johnny Vegas (last seen in "Tulip Fever"), Margo Martindale (last heard in "Stop-Loss"), Emilia Clarke (last seen in "Dom Hemingway"), Sami Amber, Alan Tudyk (last heard in "Zootopia 2"), Maitreyi Ramakrishnan (last seen in "Freakier Friday"), Ryan Anderson Lopez, Phil Johnston (last heard in "Ralph Breaks the Internet"), Jason Mantzoukas (last heard in "Dolittle"), Riley King, Zarah Kulczycki, Rebecca Wisocky (last seen in "Amsterdam"), Mark Proksch (last seen in "A Merry Friggin' Christmas"), Della Saba (last heard in "Wish"), Nicole Byer (last seen in "Thelma"), Charlie Berens, Stephanie Escajeda, Natalie Portman (last seen in "Thor: Love and Thunder"), Timothy Simons (last seen in "Draft Day"), Israa Zainab, Erika Dapkewicz, David Byrne (last seen in "The Greatest Night in Pop"), Scott Whyte (last heard in "Tom & Jerry"), David Cowgill, Hayley Williams,

RATING: 4 out of 10 news updates from Beverly Onion