Prey

Year 18, Day 262 - 9/19/26 - Movie #5,436

BEFORE: This one's a couple years old already now - hey, don't blame me, blame the linking. I think there's already another two installments in the "Predator" franchise that have come out since this one, but you know, none of them are linked to each other which doesn't help me out one bit. It's almost like Hollywood doesn't care any more about my system... I'd say that I'm still very lucky, though, because if there are THREE films outstanding and the chain has seen fit to bring me to the oldest one first, well, it's like it was meant to be, right? But I'd better hurry up and watch this, I can't even wait until the real horror chain starts on October 1 because I need to strike while the iron is hot here, if it took three years for me to link to this, perhaps another opportunity won't come around again. Or I'll be forced to watch them in the wrong order or something. 

Amber Midthunder carries over from "Opus". Really, the only way for me to watch this film sooner rather than later is to put it between two other films with her in them. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "The Predator" (Movie #3,377)

THE PLOT: Naru, a skilled warrior of the Comanche Nation, fights to protect her tribe against one of the first highly-evolved Predators to land on Earth. 

AFTER: It's a pretty neat trick that this film serves as both a sequel AND a prequel to the movies that have gone before. To the audience it's a sequel, of course, because we're experiencing it after, but the film is set back in the early 1700's, allowing it to function as a prequel as well. We can assume it takes place in what will someday become America, and the presence of French trappers perhaps places it somewhere in the northern part of the future U.S., perhaps near Canada, however if these Native Americans are Comanche, that would suggest Oklahoma or thereabouts instead. Possibly French trappers could have come up river from New Orleans, I suppose. If they're not going to pinpoint it than a lot of places are possible. 

Of course, we're dealing with a futuristic species that has interstellar travel capabilities, that can. be just as true 300 years ago as it is in a more modern "Predator" film, because we don't know how long it's been since that species gained the ability to travel to other worlds, whether it was 500 years ago, 1,000 years ago or longer, it's possible for life on different worlds to evolve on a different timetable than our own, meaning there could be thousands of years of human history during which we were visited by others and either treated as slaves made to build pyramids, or just creatures hunted for food or sport. So this film's on board with that, but chooses to focus on the latter, the sport-hunting thing.  

The Predators have their own rules when it comes to this, what's seen here suggest that they only hunt other hunters, the Predator has no interest in that rabbit, but is fascinated by the wolf chasing the rabbit, and that's HIS prey. Same goes for the grizzly bear in a later scene, anybody can catch fish, even a hungry bear, but how many hunters can take down the bear, which is the "apex predator"? The predator also stumbles upon these Comanche hunters who are tracking a mountain lion, and, well, his interest is piqued. The humans seem so small and frail, and non-vicious by comparison, but here they are, tracking the lion to its den and hunting it not just for food, but also to keep future members of the tribe safe from it. 

So, naturally, this puts the Comanche (and later the French fur trappers) on the Predator's to-do list. We think of man as the most dangerous animal, because of his brain power, but the Predator may have different thoughts on the topic. But the central character here is Naru, a young woman who's been trained as a healer, but also wants to be a hunter and provide for the tribe. Yes, even back in the native tribes of the 1700s there was sexism, apparently, and some people had rigid ideas about what women could and couldn't do. The other warriors, including her brother, Taabe, think they're safe once the mountain lion is dealt with, but Naru has seen the Predator in action (or at least partially, because it's wearing one of those camouflage suits that makes it darn near invisible.) and she's convinced that the real danger to the tribe is still out there, and if nobody else will hunt it, she'll go out with her dog and do it herself. 

I mean, it's really a terrible idea, because the Predator is better left alone, but of course she doesn't know that. He's here for a short time, maybe just let him hunt a few large animals, he'll collect a few skulls and turn some snakes inside out, then he'll be back on his spaceship and off to the next planet. However, there's some Comanche legend about a monster called a "Mupitsi", and the Predator sort of fits the description, that's another reason she feels that she needs to take action. The story is that it's supposed to be some giant, hairy monster or owl-like beast, and who knows if this later morphed into Sasquatch or if it was all just some boogeyman story that parents told their children so they wouldn't go out at night? 

Anyway, the Comanche of course are no match for a super-warrior from another planet, who's got laser-sights on his arrows and claws on his hands, and uses his heat-vision to track his prey in the dark. The whole landscape is dark at night because electric lights wouldn't come around for another 150 years or so - it's amazing when you think about how long Earth was dark every night, umm, except for torches, campfires and candles, right? But both Naru and Taabe end up caught, not by the Predator but by those French trappers, who have apparently been dealing with creatures like this before, or vice versa, because they seem to know about it and want to use the Comanches as bait to trap it. I guess when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail and if you're a trapper, your solution to most everything is to trap it. 

OK, good luck with that, the Predator has heat vision and spear guns and laser sights, and you've got what, flintlock pistols that fire once and then take another five minutes to reload? Plus the thing just does not WANT to be trapped, he can probably work his way out of whatever trap you set for him, and then, well, he's going to be angry. Best solution, as I stated already, is to just leave him alone, let him hunt whatever he wants and then maybe he'll get back in his ship and fly away. 

It's an interesting enough idea, I mean, the franchise was maybe getting a little stale, except for those "Alien vs. Predator" movies. They could keep this going and have other Predators visit earth during other eras, it might be cool to see one hunting dinosaurs or another one visiting ancient Roman and winding up either taking out Roman soldiers or fighting in the Colisseum. Hell, why not visit Earth during the Civil War or Athens vs. Sparta or take on the army of Genghis Khan? Once you open up all of human history there are some great narrative possibilities...

Directed by Dan Trachtenberg (director of "10 Cloverfield Lane")

Also starring Dakota Beavers, Dane DiLiegro (last seen in "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3"), Michelle Thrush (last seen in "Dead Man"), Julian Black Antelope, Stormee Kipp, Stefany Mathias, Bennett Taylor, Mike Paterson (last seen in "Heist"), Nelson Leis, Tymon Carter, Skye Pelletier, Harlan Blayne Kytwayhat, Corvin Mack, Samuel Marty, Ginger Cattleman, Seanna Eagletail, Samiyah Crowfoot, Cody Big Tobacco (last seen in "The Revenant"), Stephane Legault (ditto), Troy Mundle, Curtis Pilon-Vinish, Eric Beaudoin. 

RATING: 6 out of 10 giant footprints

Opus

Year 18, Day 261 - 9/18/26 - Movie #5,435

BEFORE: Sorry, no more animated films in the pipeline - except for one that will pop up at the end of the month. That was a good run, though, 8 animated features in a row. Now I've got a couple that are sort of horror-like or horror-ish, because we've got THAT big chain coming up in just a couple weeks now, and you know, it's good to prepare ourselves. You don't want to just dive in to that freezing-cold pool, you want to kind of ease in, a bit at a time. Same goes for the pits of hell, you don't dive in to the lava, you dip a toe in and watch it burn off and then you acclimate yourself from there...

What's even harder than putting together a horror chain and a Christmas mini-chain each year is leaving enough material, and the right movies, behind so that I'll have something to work with NEXT year. I think one cable channel is running all of the films in the "Scary Movie" franchise, I should probably grab those while I can, especially if there's any possibility that they all link together in release order, and that could take up five or six slots next year, or the year after that. 

Tony Hale carries over from "Megamind vs. The Doom Syndicate"

THE PLOT: A writer travels to the compound of a pop icon who disappeared years ago. Surrounded by his cult of sycophants, as well as fellow journalists, she soon discovers his twisted plans for the gathering. 

AFTER: OK, so a group of people get invited to a celebrity's extremely private resort complex, but they have to surrender their cell phones and sign some kind of NDA before they board the private plane. Wait, isn't that the plot to "Blink Twice"? 

No, wait, there's a special celebrity event, the top star in his craft is having a private dinner party and has invited some of his longest-standing critics to come and spend time with him in the hopes of winning them over. Wait, isn't that the plot to "The Menu"? 

The guests arrive and their needs are attended to, though the whole resort starts to feel a bit cult-like, and a couple of the guests have disappeared with no explanation. Wait, isn't that the plot to "Midsommar"?  

Yes, yes and yes. This is a mish-mash collab of some of the most famous "thriller-disaster-What Could POSSIBLY Go Wrong" films from the past few years, and I think we can now certify that this is a trend in filmmaking. Cultures clash, class warfare is involved, male sexism and "Artist Brain" collide and it doesn't matter if the central figure is a tech mogul, a celebrated chef or a reclusive pop star, when you're famous, they let you do it, no matter what "it" is. 

To say "Opus" is derivative is an under-statement, but there could be a lot of films that follow this disaster-trend, I don't really know if it this genre has a name yet. Psychological thriller? Satirical social horror? Escape-core? Does this all go back to "Get Out" and/or "Ready or Not"? Are we going to get some kind of comedic mash-up in the vein of "Scary Movie", titled "Get Out and Blink Twice Before the Midsommer Menu"? 

Anyway, let's deal with tonight's film on its own, because it's got one thing that all of the others don't have, and that's John Malkovich as the reclusive pop star. Yes. We get to hear what a John Malkovich ALBUM would sound like, maybe, if he were a pop star on the level of, say, Michael Jackson or Prince or something. Look, if you want to watch this film JUST for the novelty of that, it just might be worth it. There's a lot of other stuff that's going to come along with it, but you get so much Malkovich here, and all that that entails, I mean Jesus, he's a great actor and a weird actor and I'll watch just about anything he's in. Him and Willem Dafoe. I wonder if there's ever a clash between them over who's going to play a particular weird, oddly calm, genius who might also be a maniac psycho-killer, we're just not sure yet. 

Malkovich plays Alfred Moretti, who disappeared from the pop music scene 30 years ago, but is back with a new album. We're led to believe from the hype around it that this would be equivalent to someone like David Bowie or Michael Jackson disappearing at the height of their fame, and then coming back with new music out of the blue. What would that sound like, I mean one thing you can say about Bowie or Jacko is that they put out a lot of albums - but what if they didn't? What if they took time off, and their sound evolved and then they came back with a completely new sound or a weirdly evolved manner, or a new look, new fashion, new hairstyle? The only music star I can think of that took a long break and then came back, stronger than ever, was Roy Orbison, however he never stopped touring and trying, his music just fell out of favor for a while, and then he had a revival with the help of some friends. Jerry Lee Lewis, maybe Chuck Berry went through something similar, maybe. 

Generally, this is not how the music industry works - could you imagine Taylor Swift announcing tomorrow that she's going to take the next 20 years off? Nobody works like that, if you have a hit record you go out on tour, you work the crowd and make sure everyone knows you because you're creating the fan base of people who are going to maybe buy your second album, which you start working on as soon as your first tour is over, if not before that. Could you imagine Guns and Roses putting out a new album this month, like after 30 years of non-self-imposed exile, and for people everywhere to somehow be excited with anticipation for that album? Nope, it just doesn't happen. If your career is dormant for 30 years, you might as well be dead. Some of the top acts of 1996 were No Doubt, Oasis and The Smashing Pumpkins. Even if those bands are still active or got their members back together, I don't think they could just pick up where they left off and have a successful album release. 

But anyway, Moretti invites a select group of music journalists to attend this listening party at his private compound in Utah. Yeah, never go to a celebrity's private compound, that's a pretty good rule of thumb to follow. This one is four and a half hours by BUS away from the nearest airport, that should have been the first warning sign. This reclusive billionaire can fly people in by private jet, but there's no private airfield? You know you can build an airfield just about anywhere, like for sure a lot closer to his house. I'm not sure if this is a NITPICK POINT or just a warning sign that these journalists chose to ignore. The weekend starts with a very fancy dinner, of course they probably had to ask if anybody had any food allergies when they were preparing the menu, but then the "bread course" involved passing a giant dinner roll down the table so that each person could take a bite out of it. Umm, what if I have a food allergy to eating bread that a dozen other people had in their mouths? And why am I sitting at the end of the table that gets the very germy bread last, and the other end of the table got to take bites of it before everybody else drooled on it? 

Junior journalist Ariel Ecton, who seems too young to have been a fan of Moretti's 30 years ago, is there just as support staff, to take notes for her boss, Stan Sullivan, who will be the one writing the article about Moretti's new album. Ariel is the first to notice that the other people at the compound, the ones who are not party guests, are all wearing the same blue outfits and are assigned tasks by Moretti, as if he is their cult leader or something. This should have been another cue to leave ASAP, because we know how this ends, the leader says that the spaceship is behind the comet, and the time has come to drink the Kool-Aid or the Everclear or whatever and leave our flesh prisons so that the spaceship can pick up our souls and carry them to heaven. 

Well, that's not exactly what's happening here. But there is a form of religion being practiced, which is called "Levelism". There's a book that the guests are given (oh, good, something to read) which describes the concepts of Levelism (oh, darn, it's a manifesto) and then there's a whole agenda for the weekend, which involves Fashioning, the Album listening party, Archery, Painting, Shucking Oysters for Hours, and a puppet show. I mean, go there to hear the new album, but come on, you're going to want to stay for the puppet show.

Ariel is also the one to notice that two of the invited guests have not been seen since the first day, so, umm, where are they?  And she's also the first one to express a desire to leave (smart girl!) but of course, this takes place just before Everything Goes Wrong. I'm not going to get into all of that, but I have hinted about it. If this isn't your bag, or if you've had your fill of this escape-core genre, this might still be worth a look if you want to see what kind of aging pop star John Malkovich would play. I found that to be like what Michael Jackson might have become if he had lived, and if he had continued to surround himself with people who were willing to cater to all of his desires (yes, ALL of them) and nobody was ever allowed to tell him "NO". It's food for thought, even if this "food" is shared by several different movies, just like that dinner roll that got passed around. 

Directed by Mark Anthony Green

Also starring Ayo Edibiri (last seen in "Lorne"), John Malkovich (last seen in "Billy Joel: And So It Goes"), Juliette Lewis (last seen in "Strange Days"), Murray Bartlett (last seen in "Girl Most Likely"), Melissa Chambers (last seen in "Being Rose"), Stephanie Suganami, Mark Sivertsen (last seen in "The Last Stand"), Amber Midthunder (last seen in "Dream Scenario"), Tatanka Means (last seen in "Killers of the Flower Moon"), Aspen Martinez, Peter Diseth (last seen in "Maggie Moore(s)"), Tamera Tomakili (last seen in "Fruitvale Station"), Jasper Keen (last seen in "End of the Road"), Young Mazino, Jean Effron (last seen in "Frank"), Justin Perry, Aimee McGuire, Chris Highlands (last seen in "Suburbicon"), Andrew McMaster, Lily Joy Winder, Orion Carrington, Jeremiah Core, Marjorie W. Conner, Lex Lotito, Gabriel Armijo, Casey Messer (last seen in "Army of the Dead"), with cameos from Bill Burr (last seen in "Paul Anka: His Way"), Wolf Blitzer and the voice of Rosario Dawson (last seen in "Haunted Mansion"),

RATING: 5 out of 10 beanbag chairs

Megamind vs. the Doom Syndicate

Year 18, Day 260 - 9/17/26 - Movie #5,434

BEFORE: I watched the first third of the Emmys yesterday, the "craft" awards, I still have to watch the main telecast and then try to figure out what the third part was. There were a number of documentaries that I watched that got nominations, which seems a bit weird because I thought that the Emmys were for television shows, and to me, those docs were MOVIES. Yes, I realize that we have a thing called "made-for-TV" movies or there's a category for "miniseries and TV movies" or something like that. But I'm talking about films like "Mel Brooks: The 99 Year Old Man!" and "John Candy: I Like Me" - how did those get Emmy nominations, they're just documentary movies, what makes them TV movies, the fact that they aired on a streaming channel? We seem to have somehow erased the line between movies and TV shows, if these movies can be nominated for Emmys and aren't being considered for Oscars for Best Documentary. What makes them TV movies and not movie-movies? I would love some clarification on this. 

Speaking of my Doc Block, it seems that fashion icon Bob Mackie has passed away, and he was the subject of one of my last-minute-added docs this year. Look, it's bad enough that I chose some docs about already deceased people like John McCain, John Candy, Roger Corman and Molly Ivins. And Sergio Leone. And Roberta Flack. And David Lynch, Roy Orbison and Tom Petty. And Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn and Elizabeth Taylor. Jeez, there sure were a lot of dead people this year. And Elvis Presley and Ed Sullivan and Fred Rogers. But now there's one more, and I'd hate to think that my blog is cursed somehow - so I'm hoping that certain people get at least one more trip around the sun, like Mel Brooks and Dick Van Dyke and Gloria Gaynor. Jeez, Paul Anka and Diana Ross are probably getting up there in years, too. Robin Byrd and Stevie Nicks and Reggie Jackson. Hang in there, Billy Joel and the members of Led Zeppelin, it's not your time to go just yet! Also, does anybody have eyes on Chevy Chase? 

Tonight I'm wrapping up just over a week of animated films, as Keith Ferguson carries over from the regrettable "Happily N'ever After 2". There's one more animated film that linked to just "Smurfs" and none of the others, so I couldn't include it here, but I think I can work it in near the end of the month, it was due to leave Netflix so I went ahead and watched it, the review will follow in a couple weeks. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Megamind" (Movie #1,101)

THE PLOT: Megamind's former villain team, The Doom Syndicate, has returned. Newly crowned hero Megamind must now keep up evil appearances until he can assemble his friends to stop his former teammates from launching Metro City to the moon. 

AFTER: Another LONG delay between installments here - there's got to be a reason why it took some studio 14 years to make a sequel to "Megamind", I'm assuming lack of interest, people weren't exactly staging protests over the lack of a sequel. Possibly lack of money, too, because they couldn't afford to hire back any of the voice actors from the first film, instead they found sound-alikes for Will Ferrell and Tina Fey and David Cross, ones that would fit the new, lower budget. Again, I'm assuming.

Yet this is set just DAYS after the events of the first film, because obviously animated characters don't have to age in normal time, they can be any age we want them to be, and just like with Daffy Duck and Porky Pig, you can always rewrite their origin story if you're really stuck, or drop in a flashback that's never been seen before, or screw it, just do whatever you want, because it's not like kids are sending in fan mail to their favorite animated characters, asking them to "please make another movie because I've seen the first one a couple thousand times, and I love it but I'm also quite sick of it!"

Geez, I barely remember the first "Megamind" movie, I know that this character was a villain who defeated his nemesis, Metro Man, and then had nothing to do, so he created a new hero called Titan, who became a worse (better?) villain than he ever was. So Megamind became a hero to take down his own evil creation, Titan - yeah, that film might be worth a re-watch, it was so long ago - with a fresh eye, I may pick up on even MORE Easter eggs and tributes to superheroes from other TV shows or movies. 

So here in the sequel, Megamind stops a theft by oustmarting a group called the Go Fish Gang as they try to steal a gem-encrusted fish, which I'm not sure is a thing. Afterwards, Megamind's minion, Chum (formerly named "Minion", but his name was changed so as to not get mixed up with the Minions from the "Impossible Me" movies) tries to suggest an upgrade to "sidekick" status, though Megamind won't allow it, and so they decide to separate, at least for a while. Well, break-ups are never easy. Reporter Roxanne Ritchi was the good friend telling Chum that he should speak up and make his intentions known, and really, she should have stayed out of it. Clearly Megamind has "Artist Brain" and doesn't want to share the hero spotlight with anyone.

So at the worst possible time, Megamind's old criminal team breaks out of prison and comes to find him, they have mistaken his new "hero" status as the sign he told them to wait for, the sign that he was just a couple steps away from taking over Metro City. They're not falling for his "hero" act, either, they're convinced that he's a villain in hero's clothing, rather than the other way around. And since there are FOUR of them and one of him, he's forced to play along and pretends to rob a bank, in order to win their trust. Umm, most superhero films these days don't also follow the conventions of a Shakespearean farce, just saying. 

He also has to reveal "Phase Two" of his evil plan to them, even though he never really made a definitive one - but he did place rockets deep below Metro City, with a vague plan of launching the whole city into space. Great news, the plan is a hit with the Doom Syndicate, only also bad news, because they don't need Megamind to help them, since the rockets are already in place. Megamind tries in vain to get Chum back, then goes into hiding in an alley after he can't. He learns a valuable lesson, that he can't necessarily do everything himself BUT he can do more using the power of teamwork, once he admits that he needs help. 

One quick trip to Everything City for supplies, and we're ready for the big showdown between the new team of heroes (and sidekicks) and the old team who can't even decide which one is in charge. Well, duh, which one's going to be able to put a barely-rehearsed plan in motion? All that Megamind's team has to do is distract the villains, sneak into his own headquarters, stop the launch of the city into space and then round up the evildoers, what could POSSIBLY go wrong? 

They've set themselves up perfectly for another sequel, which could take another 14 years - or maybe they just followed up with a limited series on Peacock, which they did. Damn, I was hoping for another movie, and not just a TV movie. 

Directed by Eric Fogel

Also starring the voices of Laura Post, Josh Brener (last seen in "Carry-On"), Maya Aoki Tuttle, Emily Tunon, Talon Warburton, Scott Adsit (last seen in "72 Hours"), Chris Sullivan (last seen in "The Drop"), Tony Hale (last seen in "Marty, Life Is Short"), Adam Lambert (last seen in "Bathtubs Over Broadway"), Jeanine Mason, Michael Beattie (last heard in "Minions: The Rise of Gru"), Eric Fogel, Todd Haberkorn, Eric Murphy (last seen in "Being Eddie"), Joey Rudman (last seen in "We Are Your Friends"), Roger Craig Smith (last heard in "Trolls Band Together")

RATING: 4 out of 10 laser beams in the air ducts

Happily N'ever After 2: Snow White - Another Bite at the Apple

Year 18, Day 259 - 9/16/26 - Movie #5,433

BEFORE: All right, this film has been on my list for much, much, too long. I can't say for sure if it was on the original watchlist when I started this blog in 2009, but, you know, it's possible. I watched the first "Happily N'ever After" film in 2010, so that's 16 years ago, and it's taken me THAT long to link to the sequel - because none of the voice actors from that original film saw fit to appear in the sequel, they must have known it was going to be terrible. Or maybe there was no budget to get any of those actors to come back? Who knows? I'm just happy to finally be able to cross this one off the list, it's only 75 minutes long so even if it's unbearably stupid or corny, I can endure 75 minutes of it to open up a slot on my watchlist. 

David Lodge carries over from "Swapped". I could have snuck this one in between two movies in the "Purge" franchise, because one of the voice actors provided the voice for the broadcast system announcements in those movies, but then that would have caused thematic whiplash, I think. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Happily N'ever After" (Movie #444)

THE PLOT: Fairy tales collide when Mambo and Munk tip the scales of good and evil once again. This time, Princess Snow White is a misguided teenager who'd rather have fun with her friends Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks and Little Bo Peep than help peasants. 

AFTER: Now I'm wondering if the Chain was trying to protect me, all this time, for the last 16 years, because this really is one of the worst animated films I've ever seen. Beyond that, it's one of the worst films of ANY genre that I've seen. But it's gone now, it can't hurt me any more. 

I have to imagine that some other studio was trying to jump on the "Shrek" bandwagon, mashing up different fairy tales together, this would have been released between "Shrek the Third" and "Shrek Forever After", but who knows, maybe they started production after the second "Shrek". Still, that might be giving it too much credit, because this really looks and feels like it was thrown together and animated on somebody's Commodore 64 personal computer. I mean, we have AI now and the Instagram is filled with "A.I. Slop", all of which looks better than this does. I mean, you can just type the name of a character into an A.I. engine now and in a few seconds you'll have footage of that character doing anything you want. ANYTHING. 

Somebody (or a lot of somebodies) had to WORK to make a film this bad back in 2009 - the animation is horrible CGI, there's no attempt at proper lip-synch so you kind of have to infer which character is saying what at any given time. Notice that there's almost always one male character talking to one female character, then through the audio clues of lower voices and higher voices you can (sort of) determine who's saying what. But it's still difficult to follow and even harder to justify. 

Some of the actors use different names when they work on different animated projects, like acclaimed voice-over artist Keith Ferguson used the name "Jim Sullivan" in the credits here, I've got Wikipedia telling me that those names are used by the same actor, which is going to allow me to link to tomorrow's film. For a while I thought, maybe he's under exclusive contract to Disney or Warner Bros. and if he wants to do other projects outside of that company, he's got to use a pseudonym - but now I think it's because this film is so BAD that he doesn't really want anyone to know he worked on it. For sure it's not on his reel or his resume that he hands out. 

Ugh, let's get into it and then I'll be done with it. Snow White here is portrayed as a reckless teenager, she's always shirking her Princess duties and going "clubbing" with her friends - Goldilocks, Red Riding Hood and Little Bo Peep. These girls are collectively multi-racial and say "Holla!" a lot, that should give you an idea about when it was made. The dance club they go to also has a jousting match, sure, because it's Medieval Times - but Snow White has a cell phone!  And when she bites the apple, the spell causes her to say terrible things about her friends on social media, which is a network of crystal balls or something - that's very stupid. Why not just remake "Mean Girls" but with fairy tale princesses, that would be a better idea than this. 

Snow White's mother also dies early in the picture, so when the king realizes that Snow is out of control with the clubbing and the social media, he figures he'll get married again so she'll have a mother to teach her how to be a better, more giving woman. Umm, NITPICK POINT, why can't HE teach her that? Oh, right, because she's "Daddy's Little Girl" and he can't seem to discipline her in any way. It happens. But this is a chance for "Lady Vain" to get Rumpelstiltskin and the Magic Mirror to cast a spell so she looks EXACTLY like Snow White's dead mother. Right, because that won't seem suspicious at all. 

When the King sends his man-servant to the Fairy Godmother's dating service to start the search for his wife, the F.G. looks high and low and, of course, stumbles on the dead queen's exact double, and then it's not long before the marriage is scheduled, and Snow White, she doesn't take it well. This is what drives her to the forest to the home of the Seven Dwarves, she lets herself in and falls asleep in their beds. Geez, for a second I thought she was in the home of the Three Bears and they got her story confused with Goldilocks'.  When the dwarves tell her that her mother used to live with them (kinky, I did it...) they decide to make her stay and they teach her to do good deeds, like rebuild the houses of the Three Little Pigs and babysit for the Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe. Well, she DID have so many children, she didn't know what to do, but with Snow White's help, she has time to go to the spa and get a make-over!

The worst part of the film is how the characters Mambo and Munk carry over from the previous film, voiced by new actors because nobody wanted to return to this franchise, and their presence in the story makes no sense. They're "somewhere else" and they've got this big scale that they can't control, and somehow it tips fate toward either good or evil - but umm, where are they, and how does their scale affect the good or bad things that happen to Snow White? We already have the Magic Mirror, do we really need the Magic Scale in the story, too? Nope. But we have it. 

Somebody has to go out to the forest and find Snow White, before her father makes the big mistake of marrying Lady Vain, who will ruin the kingdom and probably kill the king once she becomes queen. Sir Peter, one of the king's bodyguards, finds her running a Help Center in the forest and they travel back to stop the wedding, just in time of course. The only way she can convince her father that she's changed and he doesn't have to get married is by apologizing for all the rude things she said about her friends, which she should have done ANYWAY, not just to stop the wedding. Lady Vain does not take this well and attacks Snow White, but her attack is reflected by the Magic Mirror, and it bounces back, removing her illusion spell and everyone can now see she's not as beautiful as the former queen. Ah, tough break, but she would have gotten away with it if not for those meddling dwarves...

The story is simplistic, it feels like it was written by a child, and as I said before, it looks terrible, as if it was made when computer animation was in the infancy stage. Well, it kinda was, except we already had "Shrek" and "Toy Story" movies which look a hundred times better. 

Directed by Steven E. Gordon & Boyd Kirkland

Also starring the voices of Gina K. Bowes, Cam Clarke (last heard in "Lego Batman: The Movie - DC Super Heroes Unite), Doug Erholtz, Jennie Fahn (last seen in "Gloria Bell"), Keith Ferguson (credited as Jim Sullivan) (last heard in "The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie"), Kate Higgins (last seen in "Hotel Artemis"), Helen Niedwick, Lex Lang (last heard in "Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2"), Christine Lakin (credited as Catherine Lavine) (last seen in "Georgia Rule"), Cindy Robinson (last heard in "The Forever Purge"), Doug Stone, Kirk Thornton, 

RATING: 2 out of 10 pieces of Humpty Dumpty

Swapped

Year 18, Day 258 - 9/15/26 - Movie #5,432

BEFORE: It's Tuesday, and I have an update on that Pig Island BBQ & beer event that I went to on Saturday. I arrived an hour late, and when I got there all of the beer had been given out, and about half of the food stands were out of food. The event basically shut down at 2:30 pm, but had been scheduled to go until 4 pm. I now believe that since there were VIP tickets sold, and the VIPs were given access to BBQ and beer an hour before general admission, that this was a major cause of the food and beer running out - of course they want to sell more VIP tickets at a higher price, and of course they would want to give the VIPs whatever food and beer they want, but to do that and then have almost NO food or beer to give to the general admission people, who also paid for access, just paid a bit less, no, I don't think that's fair. I now think the organizers had no intention of saving much food for the "commoners" who paid less - I'll admit, I bought the ticket from a discount site, but I still feel I was entitled to the "unlimited" beer and BBQ I was promised. 

I followed the organizers on Instagram and saw that there were a few other people starting to complain (a bit) about the event, and starting to ask if there was the possibility of getting either a partial refund or a voucher for the next event and I replied to a post, stating that if anyone bought their ticket from the same discount site as I did, they could contact customer service and describe what happened at the event, express their dissatisfaction and maybe if enough people did that, a refund MIGHT be possible. A few hours later, that whole Instagram profile was cleared out, gone, goodbye, simple, no more profile, no more complaints, no more refund requests. It just ain't right. What I need now is for some investigative journalist to really look into this event, who made money from it, what they provided and what they did NOT provide, this could be a mini-version of the Fyre Festival incident, and that was a MAJOR news story where an event organizer got in trouble for not giving people what they paid for. Stay tuned to the news, I guess. 

The voice of Fred Tatasciore carries over from "The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie".

THE PLOT: A tiny woodland creature and a majestic bird suddenly swap bodies, forcing them to team up to survive the wildest adventure of their lives. 

AFTER: At first glance, this story seems to have a lot in common with "Hoppers", even the vowel sound in the title, "hop" vs. "swap", that's another similarity. Body-swapping is involved in both plots, only in "Hoppers" we had humans downloading their brains into robot animals, and here we've got animal characters keeping their brains, but switching their bodies, essentially "becoming" other animals for the purpose of understanding each other, learning to co-exist. "Hoppers" had more of an environmental message, which I support, while "Swapped" just wants all of the different animals to learn to work and live together in harmony, and there are no humans anywhere in the picture. 

In tonight's film, we don't really know where this takes place, is it on past-Earth or future-Earth or some completely different planet in another solar system or even another galaxy? Well, we'll never know if they don't tell us. The various animals all seem sort of familiar, only also not, and they have different names. Ollie's not a beaver, he's a Pookoo, and Ivy's not a bird, she's a Javan, whatever these things are, and Boogle is clearly a fish, except he's a Boogle fish - and the more they use these names the less connected we feel to them, it just all boils down to some kind of verbal nonsense after a while, in other words. Literally, in other words that we don't know.

Once upon a time on this other planet, or in this other dimension or whatever, there were these giant magical creatures called the Dzo, and when they came to visit this little slice of nature, many years ago, they brought these magic purple light-pods, which enabled the forest creatures to transform and take the shape of other animals, so they could understand each other, both in language and also spiritually, like as a species they could feel empathy for the other animals once they had lived for a while as the other creatures. Damn, this is all going to be about growing and fostering peace and understanding, isn't it? Probably a good thing overall, but it feels like a really long way to go and possibly also the most difficult way to get there. Can't we just do this with human kids of different skin colors and religions or something? 

According to the legend, years ago a Treewolf grabbed one of the purple magic light-pods from a Dzo, and transformed into a Firewolf, killed four Dzos and started a forest fire that also caused a rock-slide, which created large dam that blocked the river. After that, the different species in that area all kept to themselves, and that's the culture that Ollie the Pookoo has grown up in, one of fear and racism (sorry, species-ism) and keeping to your own kind. Why do I get the feeling that the film's going to try to change this all back? 

Ollie made a mistake and trusted a Javan, showing that bird how to open the pods that contain Piplets, a major food source. Suddenly hundreds of Javans appeared to eat the piplets, leaving few for the Pookoos (wait a second, the Javans are like the people with VIP tickets, and the Pookoos are the ones with general admission, who suddenly have no food to eat. Jeez, it's like this movie predicted the Pig Island incident of last weekend!). Ollie becomes an outcast among his own tribe, but tries to make up for it by shining light into the eyes of the Javans using glass shards, which makes them fly away and leave the Piplets behind. However, one Javan attacks him, causing him to fall into a hole where he lands on the last magic Dzo pod in his neck of the woods, and he's transferred into a Javan, of all things. His own people then chase HIM away, because they can't understand his language, he can't tell them that he's a rodent trapped in a bird's body. 

He's rescued by a trio of Javan sisters (one of them is the one who attacked him, and also the one he taught to open Piplet pods, before that. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?) and the Javan helps him track down another magic pod, so he can turn back, but WHOOPSIE, she touches it first (even though Ollie said, "Hey, don't touch that...") and SHE gets turned into a Pookoo, again, WHAT ARE THE ODDS? But we can assume that karma or fate or magic knows what it's doing here, because perhaps some time spent together, basically each in a body from the other's species, they can learn to work together and foster understanding and sing in harmony and finish each other's sandwiches. Or sentences, whichever. 

Boogle the BoogleFish says he knows where there are more pods, what could possibly go wrong? Simple, instead of switching back to their correct animal species, Ollie and Ivy both get turned into BoogleFish themselves, so now there are three fish, one who used to be a rodent and one who used to be a bird, working together to find even MORE pods so they can straighten this whole mess out. But maybe that's not what's really happening here at all, perhaps darker forces are at work...PLOT TWIST! 

So that's it for my story summation, go watch it yourself if you want to see if the animals ever get back into their proper bodies and learn to work together, defeat the evil power, and share Piplets together in the future. Darn, I've given it away again, haven't I? Oh well. Let me just add the one NITPICK POINT, because it was made clear earlier in the film that if the Javans ate the Piplets there would be none for the Pookoos, and if the Pookoos ate them, there would probably be none for the Javan to eat. So how come at the end of the film, when they learn to work together, there are suddenly enough Piplets for both species? Just being friendly to each other does not make more food appear, especially if there was a limited amount to begin with. 

Directed by Nathan Greno (director of "Tangled")

Also starring Michael B. Jordan (last seen in "Sinners"), Juno Temple (last seen in "Venom: The Last Dance"), Tracy Morgan (last seen in "Lorne"), Cedric the Entertainer (last seen in "Serving Sara"), Justina Machado (last seen in "A Thousand Words"), Nate Torrence (last heard in "Zootopia 2"), Camden Brooks, Tata Vega (last seen in "20 Feet from Stardom"), Ambika Mod (last seen in "Black Bag"), Lolly Adefope (last seen in "Saltburn"), John Ratzenberger (last heard in "Spellbound"), Kari Wahlgren (last heard in "Fixed"), Zemo Tatasciore, David Lodge (last heard in "Recount"), Johnny Williams (last seen in "Friendsgiving"), Maven Morgan (last heard in "Scoob!"), Nathan Greno, Tim Mertens (last heard in "Wreck-It Ralph")

RATING: 5 out of 10 hiding Rock Bears

The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie

Year 18, Day 257 - 9/14/26 - Movie #5,431

BEFORE: Since tonight's film features Porky Pig, let me tell you what happened this weekend when I tried to go to Pig Island, which is a not-annual BBQ and beer festival on Staten Island. I've been to that location before, the same event company used to run an event called Rib King there. Now, usually I try to be first in line for beer festivals, the reason being that if I'm at the end of a VERY long entry line, by the time they check everyone's IDs and hand out wristbands and sample glasses, I could lose up to 30 minutes of drinking time, and that's no bueno. So I planned to wake up at 9 am (on a Saturday) so I could leave the house by 9:15 and be sure to catch the 11 am ferry to Staten Island, and my friend agreed to the same timetable. Well, that's not what happened. I had difficulty falling asleep, this happens often when I'm anxious about waking up on time. Yes, the very thing I'm trying to do - fall asleep and wake up on time -  brings me such concern that I can't do it. 

So I woke up at 9, and I was so relieved that I woke up at 9 that I relaxed, and fell back to sleep. Great. I got up and got dressed and was out the door by 10:15, but there was no way I could make that 11 am ferry. So I texted my friend and told her to go on ahead, I'd catch up. The festival was scheduled for 12 pm to 4 pm, so I figured there was plenty of time. I got to Union Square and took an "R" train downtown, it was on the local track so it should have taken me to the Whitehall St. subway stop, which is just steps from the ferry. Service to that stop had been suspended, but my phone app told me it would be restored that day. But then I looked up and the train was going over the bridge to Brooklyn, now it was a certainty I wouldn't make the 11 am ferry, and probably not the 11:30 one, either. Took the train back and the closest I could get to the ferry was Canal St., which meant I needed to walk down to Whitehall, a 25 minute walk at a fast pace, however, I was still limping a bit due to the sprained ankle. At this point my brain was telling me to give up, just go home and eat the cost of the festival ticket (I paid $49, a discount price, full price would have been $71). But for some reason I kept going, made that long walk and I caught the 12:30 ferry to Staten Island. My friend had gone on ahead as I suggested. 

I took a bus to the event and checked in about 1:15 pm, the check-in guy told me there was "still plenty of food" which simply was not true. About half of the booths had run out of food, and the beer was completely gone. All of it, gone. Suddenly I remembered a Rib King event at the same location a few years previous, one which had run out of ribs around 3:00 pm, not 4. For that one I arrived early and had my fill of ribs, so it didn't really bother me. But this, showing up an hour late and finding out the event was already out of beer AND running out of food, yeah, I was angry. Half angry at myself for being late and half angry at the organizers for clearly not bringing enough samples to hand out. I stood in line at the few booths that still had pork samples to hand out, and probably ate about $10 worth of food, there was still a whole hog being carved up and I stood in that line three times, and that was a LONG line. I probably had the equivalent of a light lunch, like I'm a big dude and you're seriously going to hand me this teeny, tiny food sample? What is up with that? 

For some reason, the food and beer vendors who ran out of product stuck around, with nothing to hand out. I guess maybe their rides weren't coming until later, or it would be too obvious if they left early that they failed to bring enough. Meanwhile, the VIP area was still filled with people eating and drinking, so I think I know what was going on, the event hosts made their money from the VIP tables, meanwhile they told the people with discount tickets, like me, that there was no more food or beer, which seems extremely shady to me, possibly illegal. I resolved to never go to another event from this organizer ever again, especially not with discount tickets, and well, I certainly can't afford VIP ticket prices. At 2:30 they started breaking down the booths (remember, the event was supposed to go until 4 pm, but I think the fix was in) and I left at 3, but inquired about a refund on the way out. They told me I would have to contact the ticket broker, and I did, but I only got $12 back for my troubles, meaning I paid $37 for a couple tiny pork samples and NO beer. There were animal rights activists protesting the event, and I was able to tell them that I barely ate anything at all, so they should leave me alone. (Actually I told them I was once married to a vegetarian, and I'd heard it all before.)

So that happened - I'm waiting now for other people to complain on-line so I can weigh in and support them. I happen to know the organizer, he used to run a restaurant in the East Village that hosted beer dinners occasionally. He's a well-liked businessman in the beer community, but now I'm realizing how much of a shady weasel he also is, and I strongly suspect he oversold the event and also told the food vendors to not bring too much, I mean, who plans for a four-hour event that runs out of food and beer after an hour? I work part-time at a basketball stadium that serves 13,000 people at a time and NEVER runs out of beer, that would be bad for business.

Rachel Butera carries over from "Smurfs" (2025)

THE PLOT: Porky Pig and Daffy Duck are Earth's only hope when facing the threat of alien invasion. 

AFTER: Now that I have my path(s) to Christmas, it's time to start thinking about Halloween season. Oh, the chain knows that it's coming, and really, what is the chain but my own subsconscious, speaking to me through the proper sequencing of movies. The call is coming from inside the house, and the chain is my brain, what other explanation could there be? So the September chain contains a few films that were NOT classified as horror films, but they're kind of on the edge of horror. Alien invasion movies kind of ride that fine line between sci-fi and horror, they're sometimes just a little bit of both. In addition to two alien invasion films this month, I've got a "Predator" film (that's kind of an alien movie, too, right?) and at least one film titled "Anaconda". Creature horror, giant snakes, aliens, oh, we're in spooky season already, we just haven't really felt the full impact yet. Prepare yourself...

Of course, this is just a cartoon - and a Looney Tunes cartoon at that. What could possibly go wrong here, except for absolutely everything? Daffy Duck is about to run "amuck" and pretty much duck everything up, and I can really empathize. Every time they put me on a new station at the stadium without properly training me, I just know something's about to go wrong, possibly at near "I Love Lucy" conveyor-belt levels. I feel you, Daffy. 

Porky is Daffy's best friend here, they gave Bugs Bunny the weekend off, it seems. You know, there's hasn't been a movie with the Looney Tunes characters since "Space Jam: A New Legacy", and then before that there was "Looney Tunes: Back in Action", way back in the early 2010's. We just don't get enough of these characters these days, why would Warner Brothers just back-burner their best characters, at least where movies are concerned? I know that "Coyote vs. Acme" is in theaters now, so maybe they can get some momentum again. I mean, "Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile" was little more than a re-working of the "One Froggy Evening" cartoon, but come on, we need a movie with Tasmanian Devil and Speedy Gonzalez and Elmer Fudd and Tweety and Sylvester in it, everybody at once, "Roger Rabbit"-style. 

Instead, this is Looney Tunes characters in a post-"Ren and Stimpy", post "South Park" animation universe. Like in the old Looney Tunes you wouldn't see a character's naked butt or really have any sexual innuendo at all. OK, maybe Pepe le Pew got a little handsy when he tried to seduce a cat, but you wouldn't have Daffy Duck talking about Petunia Pig by saying, "Oh, look at that tasty dish, I bet you'd love to have a slice of THAT!" Of course, Daffy was talking about the pie on the diner shelf, not the female pig sitting at the counter, but the old cartoons still wouldn't have gone there. You can feel the influence that more modern animators had here, if John Kricfalusi hadn't gotten himself cancelled in 2020, this movie might have worked with Ren & Stimpy in it, instead of Porky and Daffy. Just sayin'. 

In what we could consider to be a "reboot" of the whole Looney-verse, this film adds an origin story where Porky and Daffy are found as babies by Farmer Jim, and raised as adoptive brothers. Huh, who knew? According to their flashback, Farmer Jim didn't die, exactly, he sort of ascended into the sky, Jesus-style, and the last thing he told them was to "stick together" and "take care of their home". As adults, they are best friends and roomates, or hetero life-partners in a mixed-species relationship, if you prefer. They don't live on the farm anymore, which raises some questions, maybe, about what happened to it - but they share a house in the town of Grandview, and we see them getting ready for the annual home inspection. They fail, however, because there's a giant hole in the roof that somehow neither of them noticed. 

We, the audience, happen to know that their house was hit by a UFO that was on its way to ao crash landing, and the only character in the movie who noticed it was a scientist with a telescope, who first saw an asteroid heading toward Earth, then got a bit distracted by the UFO. Umm, I think they prefer to be called UFPs, now, which are "Unidentified Flying Phenomena" - the "O" stands for "object" and that's quite literally objectifying, OK? I figured (incorrectly) that we would be seeing an appearance from the "Marvin the Martian" character, but they kind of went a different way with this, and that's fine. 

I don't want to give too much away here, but it plays out like one of those "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"-type films from the 1950's, where the aliens have a way of taking over human bodies through a form of mind control, essentially turning them into zombies. Gum-chewing, mindless zombies. But then of course there's a twist, because nothing is really what it seems to be at first. It's really hard to have NITPICK POINTS regarding a Looney Tunes cartoon, not only because they (eventually) did address the goofs that I noticed - they're still mistakes, but at least they acknowledged them, as they were necessary to drive the plot forward. 

Really, a lot happens here, they kept this one moving FAST and packed a lot into 90 minutes, even loose parodies of the films "Independence Day" and "Armageddon". I'm betting that they might have wanted to use the title "Farmageddon" here, if it hadn't already been used by that Shaun the Sheep movie. It just feels fairly disjointed at times because it's trying to be both a classic toon and a more modern toon at the same time. I don't think you can please everyone that way, satisfying both the older animation fans while still attracting a younger crowd to the same characters. 

Directed by Peter Browngardt

Also starring the voices of Eric Bauza (last heard in "The Super Mario Bros. Movie"), Candi Milo (last heard in "Space Jam: A New Legacy"), Peter MacNicol (last seen in "Film Geek"), Fred Tatasciore (last heard in "Trolls Band Together"), Laraine Newman (last seen in "I'm Chevy Chase and You're Not"), Wayne Knight (last heard in "GOAT"), Ruth Clampett, Andrew Kishino (last heard in "The Monkey King"), Kimberly Brooks (last heard in "Spies in Disguise"), Keith Ferguson (last heard in "Chuck"), Carlos Alazraqui (last heard in "Free Birds"), Peter Browngardt, Nick Simotas

RATING: 6 out of 10 sets of wind-up novelty teeth

Smurfs (2025)

Year 18, Day 256 - 9/13/26 - Movie #5,430

BEFORE: I had to make a decision today - to Smurf or not to Smurf? I passed on watching this film last year because I noticed it linked to a few different Christmas films, so I figured it COULD be handy some December because then I could watch five Christmas films instead of four, or three instead of two, just by dropping this one in-between. I don't think there's anything Christmas-ey about this film, though, it would be used there JUST for the linkage. But it also fits HERE, thematically as well as link-wise, while I'm burning off as many animated films as I can. 

The same problem still exists, though - do I watch it now or do I save it for Christmas? Well, to figure it out I need to work out my path to Thanksgiving and Christmas, even though it's only September, it's time. It might even be too late - but I did it, and I counted the slots. Well, last year I had like 7 Christmas films, but this year I don't have a path to so many. The December chain depends on the November chain, which depends on the October chain. I found two paths in the right number of steps to Christmas movies, but to just ONE movie with each path. So there may only be ONE Christmas movie this year, c'est la vie. The more important news is that neither path needs the "Smurfs" film, so I can watch it here and get rid of it. 

New films are being added to my watchlist each month, though - so when I get to November maybe I'll look for some new links, maybe I can change things up then and work in a couple more Christmas films. But for now I just needed to know that there IS at least one path to Christmas that exists, and it doesn't use the "Smurfs" movie.

This will be the THIRD film in the last week that I worked at a screening of, in addition to "Boy Kills World" and "GOAT". "Smurfs" was a blue-carpet event for us back in July of last year. Not too many celebrities showed up, I did see John Goodman show up - he posed for photos with people dressed as giant Smurfs for about 30 seconds, then got back in a car and drove off. Well, that told me all I needed to know about the movie. Hey, he showed up at least. 

Nick Kroll carries over from "GOAT". 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "The Smurfs 2" (Movie #2,420)

THE PLOT: When Papa Smurf is taken by evil wizards Razamel and Gargamel, Smurfette leads the Smurfs on a mission to the real world to save him. 

AFTER: Lord help me, this was pretty terrible, even taking into consideration that's it's made for kids. Certainly no adult (besides me) would even waste any of their time watching this, right? I mean, it's just nonsense, even taking into consideration that it's an animated fantasy film, and those aren't expected to make sense. As long as there's a good story, though, it can be whatever it wants to be, however this is NOT a good story, just nonsense. 

This is essentially a reboot of the Smurfs movie franchise, because it ignores everything that ever happened before in a "Smurfs" movie and starts from scratch, with a new origin story that claims that Smurfs were created to be the guardians of "good" in the universe, whatever that means. "Good" is subjective, right? I mean, anything that one person thinks is "good" could be considered "bad" by the next person. Unless you're talking about morally good vs. evil, and even that can get subjective sometimes. Only a Sith deals in absolutes, or so I once heard. 

There are still Smurf characters that are defined by particular strengths or characteristics, like Brainy Smurf or Grouchy Smurf or Vanity Smurf - I'm not sure this concept is great for kids, because shouldn't we be teaching them they can be or do a lot of different things, that they don't have to be defined by one characteristic or one profession or one bad habit even? Why don't we have Alcoholic Smurf or Heroin Smurf or Deadbeat Smurf? This does seem in line with the previous movies so I guess even with a reboot, the writers are just going to fall back on the bad writing crutches of the past...

But the new part here is an evil Council of Wizards, and four magic books, one of which is called Jaunty Grimoire and it's a book with a face and arms and legs and man, is that creepy. But it's hidden in Smurf Village and it might explain why Gargamel was always trying to get rid of the Smurfs, because he wanted that book? Anyway there are apparently FOUR magic books in total, and three are owned by evil wizards on the Council, and Gargamel's near-identical brother (very similar to Dru from "Despicable Me 3") is named Razamel and he apparently sent Gargamel to get the book from the Smurfs years ago but I guess Gargamel kept failing or forgetting to get the book? It's all very unclear, after introducing these new story elements so late in the game.

Meanwhile, No Name Smurf is a Smurf without a purpose - he hasn't found his "thing" to do yet, much like a kid who has not decided what they want to be when they grow up, I suppose. Hey, it takes longer for some people than for others. I don't have any issue with No Name Smurf, because we could all have an existential crises if we don't have a job or a hobby or at least a "thing" to do. Without a "thing", what are we? No-thing. I feel you, No Name. Secretly he'd love to be Magic Smurf, but apparently that's not an option. Not yet, anyway. But at some point he finds he can open portals to other worlds, other dimensions, so OK, yeah, Magic Smurf, or at least Multiverse Smurf - however, opening portals also brings the Smurfs to the attention of Razamel, it reveals their location to him. 

Razamel appears in Smurf Village and kidnaps Papa Smurf, leading the other Smurfs to cross dimensions to get to...umm, ours? Wait, we have evil wizards on OUR Earth? That's a bit weird. Once we get into multiverse stuff, why can't it be a universe that's mostly like ours, only it also has evil wizards and magic? The Smurfs go to Paris, for some reason, looking for Papa Smurf's brother, Ken. Ken? Why isn't he Uncle Smurf, if he's Papa Smurf's brother? I told you nothing makes sense here. The Smurfs try to go to Razamel's castle but instead get bounced over to the Australian Outback, where there is a portal convergence or something, and a group of hairy creatures called Snooterpoots. This is only going to get worse before it gets better, isn't it? 

Razamel then captures the rest of the Smurfs, almost, and the two that are left, No Name and Smurfette then have to travel by car with Mama Poot from Australia to Munich. Umm, see the problem? Just me? Meanwhile, Papa Smurf reveals the existence of ANOTHER brother, Ron, who was once the best, bravest Smurf of all but got sucked into a vortex, well that's it, he disappeared forever 100 years ago and there's no way to return, I mean it's not like we expect him to turn up again later in this movie or anything like that, right? 

This is the "Avengers: Infinity War" of Smurfs movies - when in doubt, just add another villain (or a second version of the same villain) and then keep adding heroes, keep adding heroes, keep adding heroes. More is always better, right? Then have a series of magical objects that the villain wants to collect, make them different colors so the audience can tell them apart, and make sure that any heroes you kill or disintegrate or suck into a vortex can be easily brought back. 

By the end, it's just a giant chase scene, through various dimensions that are animated in different styles, and it becomes a one-gag sequence - "I have the book!" "Wait, now I have the book" and so on and so on. A chase scenes is a story crutch. Collecting a number of magic objects is a story crutch. Dimension hopping or entering the multi-verse is a story crutch. But this is what Marvel has been relying on for the past few years - which is what makes me NOT look forward to "Avengers: Doomsday", not at all.

Ugh, I made it, that was only a 90-minute film but it felt like forever, it was agonizing. Thank God I never need to watch it ever again. 

Directed by Chris Miller (director of "Shrek the Third")

Also starring the voices of John Goodman (last seen in "Love the Coopers"), Rihanna (last seen in "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets"), James Corden (last seen in "I Am: Celine Dion"), Nick Offerman (last seen in "Pamela: A Love Story"), JP Karliak (last heard in "Batman: The Killing Joke"), Dan Levy (last seen in "Haunted Mansion" (2023)), Amy Sedaris (last seen in "Save Yourselves!"), Natasha Lyonne (last heard in "The Bad Guys 2"), Sandra Oh (last seen in "Big Fat Liar"), Jimmy Kimmel (last seen in "Marty, Life Is Short"), Kurt Russell (ditto), Octavia Spencer (last seen in "Small Town Saturday Night"), Hannah Waddingham (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning"), Alex Winter (last seen in "George Carlin's American Dream"), Maya Erskine (last seen in "DC League of Super-Pets"), Billie Lourd (last seen in "The Last Showgirl"), Xolo Mariduena (last seen in "Blue Beetle"), Chris Miller (last heard in "Penguins of Madagascar"), Rachel Butera, Conrad Vernon (last heard in "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish"), Tyler Peterson, Marshmello, Chris Prynoski, Spencer X, Hugo Miller, Ryan Naylor (last heard in "Trolls Band Together"), Jonny Manganello, DJ Snake, Lea Elui, Yuuki Luna, Daisuke Tsuji (last seen in "The Rip"), Keisuke Hoashi (last seen in "C'mon C'mon")

RATING: 3 out of 10 sound effects from, you guessed it, Sound Effects Smurf