BEFORE: I had to make a decision today - to Smurf or not to Smurf? I passed on watching this film last year because I noticed it linked to a few different Christmas films, so I figured it COULD be handy some December because then I could watch five Christmas films instead of four, or three instead of two, just by dropping this one in-between. I don't think there's anything Christmas-ey about this film, though, it would be used there JUST for the linkage. But it also fits HERE, thematically as well as link-wise, while I'm burning off as many animated films as I can.
The same problem still exists, though - do I watch it now or do I save it for Christmas? Well, to figure it out I need to work out my path to Thanksgiving and Christmas, even though it's only September, it's time. It might even be too late - but I did it, and I counted the slots. Well, last year I had like 7 Christmas films, but this year I don't have a path to so many. The December chain depends on the November chain, which depends on the October chain. I found two paths in the right number of steps to Christmas movies, but to just ONE movie with each path. So there may only be ONE Christmas movie this year, c'est la vie. The more important news is that neither path needs the "Smurfs" film, so I can watch it here and get rid of it.
New films are being added to my watchlist each month, though - so when I get to November maybe I'll look for some new links, maybe I can change things up then and work in a couple more Christmas films. But for now I just needed to know that there IS at least one path to Christmas that exists, and it doesn't use the "Smurfs" movie.
This will be the THIRD film in the last week that I worked at a screening of, in addition to "Boy Kills World" and "GOAT". "Smurfs" was a blue-carpet event for us back in July of last year. Not too many celebrities showed up, I did see John Goodman show up - he posed for photos with people dressed as giant Smurfs for about 30 seconds, then got back in a car and drove off. Well, that told me all I needed to know about the movie. Hey, he showed up at least.
Nick Kroll carries over from "GOAT".
FOLLOW-UP TO: "The Smurfs 2" (Movie #2,420)
THE PLOT: When Papa Smurf is taken by evil wizards Razamel and Gargamel, Smurfette leads the Smurfs on a mission to the real world to save him.
AFTER: Lord help me, this was pretty terrible, even taking into consideration that's it's made for kids. Certainly no adult (besides me) would even waste any of their time watching this, right? I mean, it's just nonsense, even taking into consideration that it's an animated fantasy film, and those aren't expected to make sense. As long as there's a good story, though, it can be whatever it wants to be, however this is NOT a good story, just nonsense.
This is essentially a reboot of the Smurfs movie franchise, because it ignores everything that ever happened before in a "Smurfs" movie and starts from scratch, with a new origin story that claims that Smurfs were created to be the guardians of "good" in the universe, whatever that means. "Good" is subjective, right? I mean, anything that one person thinks is "good" could be considered "bad" by the next person. Unless you're talking about morally good vs. evil, and even that can get subjective sometimes. Only a Sith deals in absolutes, or so I once heard.
There are still Smurf characters that are defined by particular strengths or characteristics, like Brainy Smurf or Grouchy Smurf or Vanity Smurf - I'm not sure this concept is great for kids, because shouldn't we be teaching them they can be or do a lot of different things, that they don't have to be defined by one characteristic or one profession or one bad habit even? Why don't we have Alcoholic Smurf or Heroin Smurf or Deadbeat Smurf? This does seem in line with the previous movies so I guess even with a reboot, the writers are just going to fall back on the bad writing crutches of the past...
But the new part here is an evil Council of Wizards, and four magic books, one of which is called Jaunty Grimoire and it's a book with a face and arms and legs and man, is that creepy. But it's hidden in Smurf Village and it might explain why Gargamel was always trying to get rid of the Smurfs, because he wanted that book? Anyway there are apparently FOUR magic books in total, and three are owned by evil wizards on the Council, and Gargamel's near-identical brother (very similar to Dru from "Despicable Me 3") is named Razamel and he apparently sent Gargamel to get the book from the Smurfs years ago but I guess Gargamel kept failing or forgetting to get the book? It's all very unclear, after introducing these new story elements so late in the game.
Meanwhile, No Name Smurf is a Smurf without a purpose - he hasn't found his "thing" to do yet, much like a kid who has not decided what they want to be when they grow up, I suppose. Hey, it takes longer for some people than for others. I don't have any issue with No Name Smurf, because we could all have an existential crises if we don't have a job or a hobby or at least a "thing" to do. Without a "thing", what are we? No-thing. I feel you, No Name. Secretly he'd love to be Magic Smurf, but apparently that's not an option. Not yet, anyway. But at some point he finds he can open portals to other worlds, other dimensions, so OK, yeah, Magic Smurf, or at least Multiverse Smurf - however, opening portals also brings the Smurfs to the attention of Razamel, it reveals their location to him.
Razamel appears in Smurf Village and kidnaps Papa Smurf, leading the other Smurfs to cross dimensions to get to...umm, ours? Wait, we have evil wizards on OUR Earth? That's a bit weird. Once we get into multiverse stuff, why can't it be a universe that's mostly like ours, only it also has evil wizards and magic? The Smurfs go to Paris, for some reason, looking for Papa Smurf's brother, Ken. Ken? Why isn't he Uncle Smurf, if he's Papa Smurf's brother? I told you nothing makes sense here. The Smurfs try to go to Razamel's castle but instead get bounced over to the Australian Outback, where there is a portal convergence or something, and a group of hairy creatures called Snooterpoots. This is only going to get worse before it gets better, isn't it?
Razamel then captures the rest of the Smurfs, almost, and the two that are left, No Name and Smurfette then have to travel by car with Mama Poot from Australia to Munich. Umm, see the problem? Just me? Meanwhile, Papa Smurf reveals the existence of ANOTHER brother, Ron, who was once the best, bravest Smurf of all but got sucked into a vortex, well that's it, he disappeared forever 100 years ago and there's no way to return, I mean it's not like we expect him to turn up again later in this movie or anything like that, right?
This is the "Avengers: Infinity War" of Smurfs movies - when in doubt, just add another villain (or a second version of the same villain) and then keep adding heroes, keep adding heroes, keep adding heroes. More is always better, right? Then have a series of magical objects that the villain wants to collect, make them different colors so the audience can tell them apart, and make sure that any heroes you kill or disintegrate or suck into a vortex can be easily brought back.
By the end, it's just a giant chase scene, through various dimensions that are animated in different styles, and it becomes a one-gag sequence - "I have the book!" "Wait, now I have the book" and so on and so on. A chase scenes is a story crutch. Collecting a number of magic objects is a story crutch. Dimension hopping or entering the multi-verse is a story crutch. But this is what Marvel has been relying on for the past few years - which is what makes me NOT look forward to "Avengers: Doomsday", not at all.
Ugh, I made it, that was only a 90-minute film but it felt like forever, it was agonizing. Thank God I never need to watch it ever again.
Directed by Chris Miller (director of "Shrek the Third")
Also starring the voices of John Goodman (last seen in "Love the Coopers"), Rihanna (last seen in "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets"), James Corden (last seen in "I Am: Celine Dion"), Nick Offerman (last seen in "Pamela: A Love Story"), JP Karliak (last heard in "Batman: The Killing Joke"), Dan Levy (last seen in "Haunted Mansion" (2023)), Amy Sedaris (last seen in "Save Yourselves!"), Natasha Lyonne (last heard in "The Bad Guys 2"), Sandra Oh (last seen in "Big Fat Liar"), Jimmy Kimmel (last seen in "Marty, Life Is Short"), Kurt Russell (ditto), Octavia Spencer (last seen in "Small Town Saturday Night"), Hannah Waddingham (last seen in "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning"), Alex Winter (last seen in "George Carlin's American Dream"), Maya Erskine (last seen in "DC League of Super-Pets"), Billie Lourd (last seen in "The Last Showgirl"), Xolo Mariduena (last seen in "Blue Beetle"), Chris Miller (last heard in "Penguins of Madagascar"), Rachel Butera, Conrad Vernon (last heard in "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish"), Tyler Peterson, Marshmello, Chris Prynoski, Spencer X, Hugo Miller, Ryan Naylor (last heard in "Trolls Band Together"), Jonny Manganello, DJ Snake, Lea Elui, Yuuki Luna, Daisuke Tsuji (last seen in "The Rip"), Keisuke Hoashi (last seen in "C'mon C'mon")
RATING: 3 out of 10 sound effects from, you guessed it, Sound Effects Smurf
